K, I would tell him in the nicest way possible "H, I know money is a little tight with you at the moment, but I really would appreciate that check. I don't mean to bug you about it, it's just that I have bills that have to get paid".
Yeah, he just gives me a check every other week when he gets paid. We don't have a legal agreement yet. He is always good about making sure I get it, but the past few times it has been a week late.
I said that to him when I asked him to put it in the mail before he left. I said I had bills that needed to be paid before I left for my vacation. Obviously it went in one ear and out the other.
I will say it nicely, but I don't want him to think I am being a nag about it. My GF said that if I don't say anything he will think he I am a doormat and he can just do whatever he wants.
I hate all this sh*t! I feel this sadness in the pit of my stomach whenever I think about the way H treats me. The love for me he once had is gone- I am not a priority in his life anymore. I want to figure out a way to change this- so H is chasing me and wanting me in his life....
I just left H a VM about the support check. I said " Hi H, I am just calling to let you know that I haven't rec'd the child support check yet. I know when I spoke to you about it you said you would put it in the mail before you left on vacation, but I haven't gotten it. I'm not sure if you forgot. If you put it in the mail now I won't get it before I leave so maybe I could get it from you on Friday when I pick d7 up. I have some bills I need to pay so I really do need the money if you can give it to me on Friday when I see you that would be good. Thanks alot.
I hope it sounded okay. I am really p*ssed off that he was so inconsiderate about not mailing it like he said he would, but I was pleasant on the message. I wanted to tell him off, but I didn't!
No matter how I sounded I am sure H will turn it around to make me out to be a pain in the arse!
Yay!! You are not dead! You were Not killed by a bulemic raging prune faced OW or cowering H!! Oh joy!!
Well, The answer about "asking for money" of WAH ("allowance, dad?") is to get it from the court system so they automatically deduct it from his paycheck. The government and military are not the only entities that do this. No way should we have to ASK for money to feed HIS/OUR children. Absurd. I would not want to have to ask or hope or worry or whatever, that he might not live up to his word....hello??? Yep, you have to make a motion in court to do this and I don't know NY law (except it's hard to prove fault there). In some states you just show a notarized copy of the divorce decree/property settlement, or interim support order, and bingo, it works. You can also probably do it through his work, which HE will love....But I do know you have more power in this sitch than you realize. My sister thought the idea of her ex writing out the check each month would make her feel good. But ow wrote the check and that did NOT feel good. In fact, when the check was sent one month late and her ex/ow were in arrearages, OW wrote a "nice note" about how short they were on cash then, what with the birth of THEIR baby and all.....
So she gets it straight from the gov now. That's what I think I'd do. Anyhow, I posted on piecing and it looks as if I'm heading north this summer. I still worry, fret and find weird things trigggering painful feelings in me, not just anger. Part of me sees H differently and I am hoping he will do as he says and "make it all up to me" "be the H I deserve," and things like that. He does say things I need to hear. I see d18 a bit more at ease with him, but I doubt she'll ever see him the same. Still, that doesn't mean she won't forgive him. I think she is working on that, but I know she tries not to have expectations of him and that breaks my heart.
All in all, I think the time apart has helped H to see the value of his family more. He says he is "lonely every single day and night." (I know, wth was he thinking??) He does not like being away from us, his kids and he really values my opinion on things. Asks for advice on HR issues, wacky patients, how Not to get sued, etc. So our friendship allowed him to feel comfortable and I still bite my tongue when he "discovers" downsides to being 3000 miles away....but we are moving toward each other, and not away. And we are keeping this house, empty for a while. I know it's very pricey to do, but I have to know I have an escape route for sunshine at least the first winter. Besides, if the streets are all filled with gold, what's the prob?
OMG, the other day a "certified letter" for "H, MD" came to the door. NOT a good sign when h is a doctor. So I go to Post office as H is on the tundra. I wait b/c postal worker goes at GLACIAL PACE and tells me, after I rang the bell, that I "woke him up." I swear. Anyhow, there is now a long line behind me and I am rattling my legal saber and getting my warrior lawyer armor on (mostly b/c suing H could take food out of my kids mouths, not to mention mine)...Finally, I get the letter and it says "IRS" and I say, out loud, "Thank God It's From the IRS!!" Postal worker says I'm first one to ever say that. I say, "This could be SOOO much worse."" Now, people in the line seem uncomfortable around me....and btw, it was a pretty nice letter, I mean, for the IRS. Sorry to hijack, will post more later. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It was so nice to hear from you. No-- I am not dead, still kickin' here in Buffalo! Ol' prune face and H are still going strong too- unfortunately. Although H went to Florida this week , took his kids and my MIL-- OW DID NOT GO WITH THEM... Not sure why, just glad she stayed home. Wouldn't want my d around all that 2nd hand smoke- Yuk
It is normal to feel a bit nervous about your move up North- all that darkness and all
At least you will still have your house as you said to "escape" to if need be. I am glad that you and your H are moving closer together. That is wonderful news! All you can do is take it one day at a time.
I wish my H would feel the loss of his family, but so far no such luck. He is happy being a "Disneyland dad" for the time being.
Right now he is doing just that in Florida. I sure wish he would begin to miss me and start to dispise Ow for the loser that she is. Still no divorce. It is moving slowly now that H realizes all he is going to have to pay out.
I have been doing a lot of reflecting back to H and my M and many things have become more clear to me, especially about his R with my girls. It was like "walking on eggshells" around our house b/c I always wanted to keep the peace where H and the kids were concerned. I could tell you some stories- like how H would put labels on food in the frig that said "do not eat" b/c it was his food! You see H is a fitness fanatic and would prepare and buy things "just for him" and if the kids touched it - OMG it was the end of the world! If one of girls was in the bathroom getting ready for school in the am and H would wake up needing to use the BR all h*ll would break loose if he couldn't get right in! How I was expected to take the day off if H was going to be home for the day. If I had patients scheduled he would expect me to r/s them and stay home "in bed" with him. Not that I wouldn't have loved to do this sometimes, and many days I did ! But there were times that I really needed to go to work but would call in b/c I knew if I didn't H would be upset with me. I am the boss, but still I have a responsibility to my patients too. CONTROL FREAK! NEEDY!! Yeah, you could say that! All of these things would have to change if H and I ever did reconcile, but as it appears now H is no where near taking responsibility for anything that happened in our M. I am still to blame for everything!
Do I still love him anyway- I do. Wish I didn't , but I still do. I guess this is called unconditional love , isn't it?
Looking forward to leaving for Florida tomorrow. Me and the girls will be staying with my mother/grandma. Maybe I'll meet some cute poolboyz! Just kidding, I really have no interest in OM right now. My heart is still trying to mend.
It is sad about your d18's R with her dad, but I am sure given some time that will change for the better. Keep me posted on the move.
Our H's are somewhat similar, only mine wasn't/isn't so controlling. BUT I was always trying to keep the kids quiet so as not to bother Daddy with their mere exsitence. His job was too demanding for him to be bothered with children, for goodness' sake!
Re. the bathroom: so funny! We have one bathroom upstairs and another in the basement, which we only use as a powder room. H was always telling me that he wanted to get to work early, or at least on time, so he needed to go first. Okay, I'd get up, get the kids ready, eat breakfast, etc, then--as I'm on my way up the stairs--I'd hear H make a run for the bathroom to get there before me!! I swear, this happened nearly every morning!
Why didn't I just get in there first and say to hell with him? I don't know. He's get mad if I did, but I was seething and late if I didn't.
Anyway, I won't be such a doormat in my next R.
Have a wonderful trip!
N
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Although H went to Florida this week , took his kids and my MIL-- OW DID NOT GO WITH THEM...
