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A Message from Michele
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Re: Moving Forward [Re: Jen_Jam] #990037
03/27/07 12:29 PM
03/27/07 12:29 PM
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 4,035
NY
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faithisbelieving Offline
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faithisbelieving  Offline
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Posts: 4,035
NY
Well said Bill....and..yes...maybe this summer, after my W leaves in spring as she tells me she is, we can hook up.

Jeff..whaddya think?

Frank


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Re: Moving Forward [Re: Jen_Jam] #992295
03/28/07 09:53 PM
03/28/07 09:53 PM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 559
Western U.S.
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JohnS58 Offline
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Western U.S.
Jeff - I just got done reading your post from 3/18 and found it truly inspirational and uplifting. Your frame of mind is fantastic. Lost_for_Now also brought up an interesting point in his response as well. Every now and then when I get down and depressed I am reminded about how much I still have. Sure, things are not what I would like them to be but I could have ended up in much worse shape emotionally, physically, and materially. All and all I had a soft landing. When I become aware of that it takes away much of the pain and regret, and I push on. It is amazing how the good times still occur and I can find myself content and able to laugh, even at myself.

Continued best wishes and happiness to you.


John S.
Re: Moving Forward [Re: Jeff223] #996704
04/01/07 02:46 PM
04/01/07 02:46 PM
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 1,841
Alabama
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Jeff223 Offline OP
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Jeff223  Offline OP
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Alabama
Thanks everyone.

First the news: My W has returned to me!!!!!
.
.
.
Got you. April fool!

Life is fine overall. I won't lie: many ups and downs on the emotional front. The lows are not so low lately and I wish the ups were higher but I will take it right now.

I have decided to press to get the D final; I am working the papers. Taking 'control' of the process is indeed lifting.

How do I know I am done? Let me use an example. I took S9 to his baseball game yesterday. My W came to watch. I was upbeat but W had little to say and no eye contact. She did sit near me but she spent her time talking to others which is rude to say the least.

At one point D6 stood between W and I. She took my hand in one of her hands and W's hand in her other. She brought our hands together. No reaction from W. D6 did it again and W pulled away slightly. How sad. In W's mind this whole thing is better for the kids (she told so once).

And I had little reaction. I did not expect anything different. That is detachment helping.

And it is clear that it is time.

Thanks again for checking in. It really does help me and I am grateful.

Strength and Honor all.


Jeff

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Re: Moving Forward [Re: Jeff223] #996721
04/01/07 03:12 PM
04/01/07 03:12 PM
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 4,035
NY
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faithisbelieving Offline
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faithisbelieving  Offline
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I am going to quote Sots here:
BULL$HiL
BULL$HiL
BULL$HiL
BULL$HiL
BULL$HiL
BULL$HiL
BULL$HiL
BULL$HiL

A Freakin' horse's A$$. Horrible. I'm angry.
Grab the hand, wink and make a joke of it.
Smirk.
Cough.
Anything...except hurt the heart of a child.

You're above this.
WAY!

Strength and honor. DO NOT TAKE ANYTHING LIKE THAT PERSONALLY. YOU ARE SO MUCH ABOVE THAT.

Frank


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Re: Moving Forward [Re: Jeff223] #996771
04/01/07 04:52 PM
04/01/07 04:52 PM
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 1,152
ON CANADA
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I_Still_Love_Him Offline
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Posts: 1,152
ON CANADA
Jeff...
Well, I'm glad you still have a sense of humour.

Quote:
How do I know I am done? Let me use an example. I took S9 to his baseball game yesterday. My W came to watch. I was upbeat but W had little to say and no eye contact. She did sit near me but she spent her time talking to others which is rude to say the least.

Okay, I must be missing something here. Why is talking to others rude? Would you not be talking to others if they were sitting near you and you were trying to be friendly? Why do you let that get to you? She is feeling uncomfortable with the tension between you and is trying to get through the game and wants you to think she is happy. In fact, you could have joined in on the conversation. You need to continue to focus on being happy yourself. It is hard, I know Jeff, but you need to focus on YOU.

Even if your W doesn make eye contact or had little to say, what is stopping you from making conversation and just appearing to be fine with the way things are going for you (even if it may not necessarily be the case right now). If she realizes that you are not happy, she knows she still has control of you. Are you really detached, Jeff? Think about it, really.

Okay, let me know when your S9's next game is and maybe I'll come down to watch his game. We'll talk the whole time while your W sits there seathing. I bet she'll start showing more interest in you then. ;\) Trust me Jeff, if your W realizes that she is getting closer to losing you, she will have to deal with her issues sooner rather than later.

If you truly feel that pushing for a D is the right thing for you, only you know that. I will continue to support you as you have been here to support me and others going through this crap.

As for the interaction with your D6 and your W, your D6 will remember what your W did and she will eventually say something. It is really sad that your W doesn't realize how she is hurting the kids and the relationship she will have with them when they get older. I agree with FIB, never hurt the heart of a child even if it means you may have to do something you don't necessarily want to. Shame on your W.

Spring....maybe this truly is the season of new found hope for us LBS and perhaps our WAS really are doing us a big favour. Only time will tell.

Hugs,
ISLH

Thread #7 - D papers on their way for ISLH

Last edited by I_Still_Love_Him; 04/01/07 04:57 PM.

Me: 49 - S22 & S26
H: 41 - No kids
M: 10/00
Bomb New Year's Day 2006
H living w OW 01/07; have baby 12/07
D final 07/07
Thread #9 - Hope Lives On
Re: Moving Forward [Re: I_Still_Love_Him] #996812
04/01/07 06:09 PM
04/01/07 06:09 PM
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 1,841
Alabama
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Jeff223 Offline OP
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Thanks FIB and ISLM.

ISLH - I will try not to be defensive but if someone chooses to act like a bit*h, ignore you on purpose, and try to lure you into argument (which she tried to do at one point) then I call that rude, among other terms.

What I tried to say is that it did not affect me; or, to be very honest, not even close to as much as it would have just months ago. Why? B/c I see her for what she is.

There comes a time when we need to stop apologizing for them. If they cannot treat us decently, sit somewhere else, not next to me. I see too many wonderful people here blame themselves or try to even defend the crass behaviors of their former partners, when in fact they are responsible for how they act, not us.

Was I seathing? I can honestly so no - never entered my mind. I expected her to behave that way. I had a good time watching my son get his first hit of the season. I enjoyed D6 playing on the monkey bars.

What did affect me was when D6 tried to pull us together. It affects me when this affects my kids.

Reading back that does sound defensive - but it was good to write ISLH. Thanks, keep me honest. \:\)


Jeff

Current Thread
Re: Moving Forward [Re: I_Still_Love_Him] #996815
04/01/07 06:14 PM
04/01/07 06:14 PM
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 5,490
Canada
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Jeff,

Thanks for your posts on my thread; I do appreciate them very much.

I just read the first post on this thread, and it was wonderful. Of course, there are ups and downs--I guess that is normal. I seem to go from high to low in seconds, lol! I guess things will level out at some point.

ISLH makes some good points about your W's behaviour, but it's hard to tell how she was acting from a post. I'm guessing she ignored you, which is indeed rude and hurtful. However, you and I both need to get to the place where it is not hurtful.

One of my best friends keeps saying to me, "Who CARES what he's doing? Who cares if he's happy? So what? All that matters is that YOU be happy." True words, but so hard to follow.

Whether or not you eventually reconcile, I think this is an important step, so that she will not have such emotional power over you. After all, you want to be able to see her w/ clear eyes if ever she does want to get back together--and that means not all positive or all negative.

I hear you about taking control of the D; I'm doing that, too. I gave H a proposed custody agreement and he's digesting it. I made a mediation appt, I'm getting the house appraised. I just want this over with. When it is done, I will see where things stand with us. But for right now, it has to be over.


Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself
My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Re: Moving Forward [Re: Jeff223] #996819
04/01/07 06:29 PM
04/01/07 06:29 PM
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,237
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ford Offline
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Originally Posted By: Jeff223
What I tried to say is that it did not affect me; or, to be very honest, not even close to as much as it would have just months ago. Why? B/c I see her for what she is.


oh how I relate to this statement.

I always saw my wife as she was when I met her, I really did, in my minds eye she was this incredibly beautiful 18 yr old that treated me like a king. then after her affair , all the "truths" started coming out and I finally saw her for what she IS. when my eyes finally opened, I saw a mean, self centered 41 yr old woman, who I didn't recognize.

I spent 20 plus years making excuses for her, I guess they call it "denial" everyone around me saw it, but I "Loved" her too much to see it.

once the blinders come off, it's easy to detach, it's easier to make sound decisions for you and your kids.

seeing them in their true light helps regain a self of yourself, at least it did for me.

Re: Moving Forward [Re: princess_nic] #996971
04/01/07 10:19 PM
04/01/07 10:19 PM
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 1,841
Alabama
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Jeff223 Offline OP
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Jeff223  Offline OP
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Alabama
Quote:
However, you and I both need to get to the place where it is not hurtful. One of my best friends keeps saying to me, "Who CARES what he's doing? Who cares if he's happy? So what? All that matters is that YOU be happy." True words, but so hard to follow.

Yes that is true nicola. But we will always care, that is just us. That is what is good about us - we care. Your friend should have asked "why do we react; why does it affect us in such a negative way?"

As ford points out, if we see the other person for who they really are, and not through the LBS foggy lense, then we can feel correctly. If someone I don't know too well does me wrong, that crosses a boundary, and I react as needed. Why should I feel or act any differently towards my xW? Likewise, treat me well and I will treat you likewise. This too applies to xW.

It is so easy for me to confuse detachment with ignoring or no contact or not caring. I do care and most likely always will. But I refuse to apologize for her actions any longer. She acts the way she wants to b/c she has free will. I will try to empathize with her b/c she is also going through a rough time and I had a role in this, but she is ultimately responsible for her actions and I will treat her behavior accordingly.

But I will pick and choose my responses; 90% of what she says or does should not affect me at all b/c it will be about her - not me. I will then just shake it off and smile.

If I treat her any other way I will lose whatever respect she has for me. And I will not respect myself.


Jeff

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Re: Moving Forward [Re: Jeff223] #998924
04/03/07 05:26 PM
04/03/07 05:26 PM
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WCW Offline
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Hey Jeff, I didn't give up on anything yet... it's getting closer... but H is not out the door quite yet.
Now I even have email limbo too...lost in email cyberspace...but I did reply to your 2nd send. Advice and nudging appreciated, please and thanks.
BTW, I am really depressed you wouldn't even wave when I powered down your interstate. Piglet wouldn't wave either though. Is that southern hospitality? ;\)


Live your life while you are still living.
Riding the trail less traveled.
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