I know this sucks. It is so hard to endure. You definitely need to think in terms of you. The busier you keep yourself the less time you have to think about what your W is doing. I'm sorry you are going through this. Wish I had some decent advice, but what it takes is a tincture of time and a hefty dose of GAL.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thanks for stopping by, I appreciate it. Yeah, better times have to be ahead, right? Just how FAR ahead though is the unknown.
I actually can't wait for my new job to start. It should keep me sufficiently occupied so that I simply won't have much time to worry about W or what she is doing (and with who).
Meeting a whole new group of people there is also going to be good for me. I am in a rut in my current job, so this will all be good.
Current thread
Me-38 W-31 No Kids Bomb-10/10/06 She moved out very soon after, and is filing for divorce very soon.
You're so right this new job couldn't have come at a better time for you. Right now you have wayyyy too much time to think, but a new job will challenge you, and new friends may open up a whole new world. It's all good.
Only bad part I see about the new job is that no one there knows of my situation. They know I'm married, but they don't know that I will not be in the very very near future.
Hoping that it doesn't affect things negatively there. Desperately want to make this new job part of my GAL and PMA. Also hoping (?) that the D will not be far into the future and W does not drag her feet. Since we are where we are, she has clearly moved on. No need to prolong anything anymore, and I hope she sees it that way.
I will be operating under a bit different set of rules from now on I think. I love my W, always will. I also know that she is in a completely different place than I am. I need to allow that to be, instead of fighting it so hard. It takes too much out of me, and really slows my progression to a halt.
Dealing with her OM is tough, but she is doing what she wants to do and I need to keep repeating that to myself. Therefore, I need to be doing the same.
Current thread
Me-38 W-31 No Kids Bomb-10/10/06 She moved out very soon after, and is filing for divorce very soon.
I know that feels true. And you are like everyone that says you will always love your Ex. Personally, I know that isn't true. Love dies. A time comes when you wonder how you were even married. A lot of divorcees reach that point. That's how they are able to move on to new marriages. Not all of them are completely over their ex, but a lot of them are. You'll find better love. You won't need to carry an unreciprocated love around anymore. It does get better.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I know that feels true. And you are like everyone that says you will always love your Ex. Personally, I know that isn't true. Love dies. A time comes when you wonder how you were even married. A lot of divorcees reach that point. That's how they are able to move on to new marriages. Not all of them are completely over their ex, but a lot of them are. You'll find better love. You won't need to carry an unreciprocated love around anymore. It does get better.
I think you are probably correct. I have made some bad choices in my life. This is my third relationship that has ended with my significant other finding someone else. Only the first time I was married however. In each of the first two cases, I had a new girlfriend even before the old relationship was over. I see now that I hadn't healed, nor had I fixed any of the issues that resulted in the first two women cheating on me.
I am going to break that trend now. Took me long enough, but I see now that I must look inside and see what I was doing that caused these things to happen. Then, I must fix them in order to be in a place that I am ready to enter a new relationship. I took each relationship that I was in for granted, and I paid the price each time.
This is where I draw the line though. From here forward, I will be a different man. I will not do it to save any relationship or for anyone to notice and pat me on the back. I will do it for me, and because if I want to be happy in a relationship again it needs to be done.
Getting to your point Just_Me (finally!), I don't ever think about those other two girls, even though I thought I would at the time it happened. So, I guess you are correct. My hope when I one day look back on all of this is that I am looking back from a happy place, in a wonderfully rewarding relationship with someone who I appreciate every single day and who does the same for me.
Even so, I still don't know that what I will feel toward my STBXW will ever be hate. At that point, it would just be a waste of my energy.
Current thread
Me-38 W-31 No Kids Bomb-10/10/06 She moved out very soon after, and is filing for divorce very soon.
No, not hate. There isn't any reason for that. Think of this as a difference of opinion. She thinks it's right to leave you and find someone else because it wouldn't work with you. You happen to disagree. Of course you are right...but she thinks she is to. Maybe someday she'll recognize that her actions weren't the right ones, but there isn't a reason to hate someone that has poor judgement. Maybe more like pity
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I agree, but it's more than that for me. I would amend one sentence you wrote...
"She thinks it's right to leave you and find someone else WHILE SHE IS STILL MARRIED because it wouldn't work with you."
Yeah, I'm still quite bitter about that one. However, whether it's because she is out of town for business (probably) or because I have suspected OM for so long, I feel better than I did a few days ago. It'll all go down the drain of course the next time I see her, but for right now I'm okay. And that's something at least.
Current thread
Me-38 W-31 No Kids Bomb-10/10/06 She moved out very soon after, and is filing for divorce very soon.
I still find myself thinking about her all the time, wondering if she is with OM. I am feeling very scared and alone today.
As a result of the depression I was in while we were still together my W stopped confiding things in me. We didn't really talk anymore, and that is probably when and how I lost her. The frightening thing about that is, since I haven't been that person to her for so long, what in the world would ever bring her back to me? As far as I can tell, nothing
I sit here now and the knowledge that she is gone and is never coming back is just washing over me. The person I was when she left is not someone she would ever look back on and say 'I miss that guy, I want to go back.'
The question is, would she ever truly accept that I had no control over what happened to me (depression) and remember the 'good' me? I doubt it. I think that the four years we were together (only 1.5 years married) have been forgotten by her and replaced by OM. I fear that OM will not make the mistakes I made and will keep her happy forever. And shouldn't that make me happy?
Right now that doesn't make me feel better, because it would also be a constant reminder that I failed her as a husband.
Hi Lfn,
I could have written some of that myself, having had the same feelings. Booze got me, but now sober for about 8 months and addressing the underlying issues. What's frustrating to me is being such a different person now, in a lot of ways everything she said she wanted. But it doesn't matter at this point, at least as for as 'us' is concerned. We can never go back to what was, but only hope to create a new and better relationship.
Quote:
... I have made some bad choices in my life. This is my third relationship that has ended with my significant other finding someone else. Only the first time I was married however. In each of the first two cases, I had a new girlfriend even before the old relationship was over. I see now that I hadn't healed, nor had I fixed any of the issues that resulted in the first two women cheating on me.
I am going to break that trend now. Took me long enough, but I see now that I must look inside and see what I was doing that caused these things to happen. Then, I must fix them in order to be in a place that I am ready to enter a new relationship. I took each relationship that I was in for granted, and I paid the price each time.
This is where I draw the line though. From here forward, I will be a different man. I will not do it to save any relationship or for anyone to notice and pat me on the back. I will do it for me, and because if I want to be happy in a relationship again it needs to be done.
Yep. #2 for me. This time I'm taking the time to properly heal, figure out and fix my deficiencies. There is a small comfort in knowing that we responded in the absolute healthiest way we could. 15 year marriage for me, so the plan is to wait at least 15 months before even thinking about getting into another relationship.
It takes a lot of pressure off too, to not feel like I have to compete with her for 'who has the best new mate.' Not that I want anyone else. In a lot of ways, she was everything I would have ever wanted. In my case, it'll take a lot more time to get over the feeling of regret, and self-loathing for losing her.
B42, M15yrs, T16, No Kids 8-06: Buying house 8-8: Bomb 8-16: Served 9-11: D final 9-28: She moved out 12-3: PA-her 9-26-07: Last time I saw her. My sitch.
