8, firstly, you would have to find a MC who would be willing to work with you as a couple. Often MC's won't unless both parties are committed to working on the M. Secondly, what would the goal be? Your W doesn't want to because she figures you and the MC will gang up on her, so she doesn't want to do it! My W said "all that will come out of it is that I'm to blame and have alot of issues to work out, well, I already know that". The Solution Focused Counsellor I saw thought it would be appropriate to bring my W in to get her thinking about what she wants for the future, what kind of family, marriage etc. She felt that it would be important to get my W to start thinking beyond today. It would help to get an idea of what we want instead of this situation, be it together or apart, that might help move this forward. She said she's seen amazing things happen when a couple come in together. So I would be careful and thoughtful in how you approach your W because if its the same old same old, she won't be buying. Maybe try telling her that for her families sake it would be a good idea for you both to go and think through what the future holds. Solution Focused Counsellors do not dwell in the past or bother with blame but try to help you both envision a future and what it will take to get there. So if you can sell it in a different way, maybe it will fly. Again, it didn't work for me but that's my sitch. Oh, and if she doesn't want to go, then you go!
Whatis, w/ the right MC and the right story, I am looking at a big fat maybe, but I think it is worth a try. I will start looking for solution focused. I think if she saw that it had nothing to do with blame or what happened in the past, she might think about it. That was my wishful thinking, she has given no indication that she would give it a second's thought.
I think you are right about their reaction, all that will happen is she will get blamed and everyone will gang up on her. Our one and only session resulted in her saying she felt attacked. Interestingly enough that was a councilor our pastor highly reccommended, and was the one who mentioned DB. Unfortunately she approached us as though our marriage needed a tune-up, not falling from the sky in flames.
81388 Me 43, waw 44, 3 kids(D15,D12,S6)Married 19yr, together 27yr. Bomb 11/27/06, Separated 3/1/07 Divorce filed 4/18/07,
"Because it is in giving that we receive; In forgiving that we obtain forgiveness; In dying that we rise to eternal life" St. Francis
My options: 1) suck it up and carry on until either she leaves, her R ends or one of us dies (of natural causes)! 2) Give up on M and stay just for the kids. Live with her as a roomate I'm raising chidren with 3) Give her time, say 2 months, to decide whether she wants to work on US or wants the other R. If she chooses other R we separate and work our an amicable settlement 4) Tell her I want her out! 5) I don't give time to decide but tell her I've had enough, I am leaving and ask when she wants to sell the house! If she wants me to stay she can bring it to the table. Any others anyone can suggest? Oh, I forgot the last resort technique, but I'm not sure how workable that is with children in the home?
...ummmmmmmm, ummmmmmmmm, ummmmmmmmmmm...tick, tick, tick, tick, ummmmmmmmm, ummmmmmmmmm, okay, okay...I'll pick door number one!!
Let the OP, die from neglect...you be the strong one. Either the wife will tire from the OP, or maybe the OP will move on. Wait it out....maybe charge her rent? Just kidding.
You have the fortitude and intelligence to weather this storm. Treat her like a client/patient, you know what to do...
Thanks 1210, I'm tempted to give it a little more time mainly because I recently came across an email from OW (yes, I opened it!) and it read "take as long as you need. If you want to talk, call me. I'm always here" Ya, cuz she has no other life! W has been in full work mode lately, reading endlessly journal articles on work etc. which tells me she's trying to shut something down within herself. It might be good for me somehow! Is it decision time? or am I just off in la la land cuz I can't seem to leave the bitch Great to hear from you 1210, hope you are doing well.
Hey, more power to you for finding the message. Hmmm...it does seem to smack of the OP being a tad neglected...that could be a big plus for you. Look at it this way...OP really doesn't have much to offer...you have a family, with two little girls that are very into their projects and school, everyday seems unlike the last, there's always something happening.
OP can offer compassion, empathy, concern, care,...yada, yada, yada...so can you. OP lives with her parents, boring. She has one facet to her, you have three...which one will become the boring one...OP.
You can beat OP any day of the week...it probably will take a while, but heck, you have been there and done that...it's only time and a family. The cards are in your hands...OP folds.
I'm doing great thank you...trying to get Sol back on track...
Thanks again! I didn't mention BR Dance tonight. Well, I made a point of preparing myself NOT to respond to her irritated tone. I decided before hand NOT to allow it to affect my evening at class. The funny thing is that when I look around the room half the couples are standing there looking at each other, while we're actually dancing! We're doing pretty well, unfortunately all she sees (or comments on at least) is what I'm doing wrong. At break I asked her to show me certain steps and we tried to figure how I coud improve them. All went well and she seemed to be trying to sound less pissy, all I ask is that she try! Just four more classes and I'll be free to screw up whenever I please
1210, W never eases up at work! She will find something there to keep herself busy, busy, busy! If she wasn't busy she might have to actually think about her life. As for further dance classes, there arent' anymore until the Spring, I can use the break from her anyway! No new recipes to speak of, but I've asked for a new Chinese cookbook for my birthday, I need some more kitchen challenges. Take care, Number lady!
