OMGosh, ya'll ROCK. Thank you so much for being here today. I can't wait to more thoroughly absorb your thoughful posts, but alas - I work tonight (ugh). I've got a post for the blog knocking around in my head to get out, and if I can get started on that, I'm going to SLEEP.
Will check in later tonight from work if (please, God) it's a slow night. Oddly enough, I can come to this site, and read blogs all night long, but heaven forbid I try to check email or look on ebay! ha.
Thanks again for your uplifting, insightful selves. I SO appreciate each of you more than you know. If we were all single, I'd fall madly in love with each of you
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
I struggle daily with feeling like I am inauthentic, b/c I want to sit him down and tell him all the things he is NOT doing, can't he see it? blah blah. I don't, I won't, but I fight it daily. I swallow this bitter pill all the time.
Don't we all wish we could sit them down and make them see the things they don't? I've read so much on these forums over the last month in particular that I reckon I probably know H's mind better than he knows it himself right now. I desperately wish there were some way to make him face the reality of how destructive he's being to himself, (nevermind to me, or to our M).
Then I read this part in one of theoden's posts, (love the username BTW, I'm gonna go right ahead and assume you're a Lord of the Rings fan?)....
Originally Posted By: theoden
I began to see how I loved the self-pity, holding the moral high ground and the self-righteousness I had in our marriage crisis. It really struck me and I confessed it to God. One evening I was talking to my wife and I told her that throughout this process I was being very self-righteous and would she forgive me for that? She started to cry.
....and it hit me like a bolt outta the blue that I too have been self-righteous throughout this ordeal. Even now I'm still doing it, with the wanting to find a way to explain to him how much better I understand him now. Part of my wanting to tell him that is so that I can feel like I'm the one in control because I know so much about him. And as right as I may be about how his mind is working right now, I can't tell him that because it's not my place to tell him how to feel. He's gotta work it out for himself. The frustration I have, (and maybe this is the same for you BI, seeing as you mentioned his passivity pissing you off), is that he won't realise it himself, so that scares me, and it just fuels my wanting to "fix" him (and in turn, fix us) even more, which in turn just makes me more self-righteous.
BI, we've gotta accept that we can't fix them! As terrifying as it is to leave them to their own devices to figure themselves out, somehow we've gotta find a way to do just that. We've gotta give up whatever control it is we think we have over them, because it's all just in our heads anyway, and we just end up making ourselves crazier when we spend so much time and effort worrying about them, and if we're more crazy, then the situation won't ever improve.
The situation won't change until someone in the situation changes, and as much as it sucks, and as impossible as it feels to do it, we have to be the ones to let them go and trust them to be able to manage their own issues, the prospect of which is scary as all hell!
Dammit, why is it that there's gotta be so much, "easier said than done" stuff when it comes to good DBing.
Hang in there BI.
Me:30 H:30 Together:10yr H left:Oct3'06,couple weeks before 5th wed anniv. No Kids OW bomb:Jan19'07 My thread: He filed.
In an effort to focus more on my stuff, I've worked hard on yesterday's blog post. H still doesn't read it, so it's not for his 'approval': http://instepford.blogspot.com
AND.
On the phone last night while I was at work, I touched on the whole him-perhaps-leaving-town-for-a-job thing (I asked him to pray about it with me, he agreed, he hasn't. Very old pattern with him. Agree to, but no follow-thru):
I mentioned that I was praying about moving as a unit and whether or not we were supposed to, etc. Just a vague statement from me in a friendly tone, and said to him, I'm sure you've been praying about it too. What do you think/feel?
He said: I don't know ANYTHING. I really don't. I know we need to sit down and talk about how we feel about everything. And I said, Why don't we do that in front of C? and he AGREED immediately. I was very uplifted by that. I see C on Monday a.m., and will try to schedule a 2nd meeting with her for the 2 of us maybe Wednesday, but hopefully ASAP. I hung up very hopeful. No matter WHAT happens, the chance to ADDRESS things again makes me feel so much better. Thank you God.
Off to work again, hopefully with a chance to read the boards (although I'm always sad by the 'weekend slowdown' here. Quit GAL-ing and post so I'm not lonely! ha!)
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
School's on a 2hr delay from snow. I have C appt at 10:30. H was supposed to do a presentation in S6's class today, but b/c of the tight school day, will now be on Friday. Ah! H will now be free at 10:30.
I asked him in bed if he wanted to come to C with me today since he won't be busy then, and (appealing to his $ concerns)said it would be more cost-effective to meet once this week instead of twice. He groaned, said no. I didn't expect him to rise to the occasion, and I get p*ssed when he does just that.
Plus, he smelled of beer and apparently feels he must hide it somewhere now. He doesn't put it in the fridge, and must hide the empties. WTF? We'll be chatting about this later for sure, b/c I am NO prude about alcohol. Hell, I'd drink with him if he'd invite me, y'know?
BUT. The beer disappeared from the fridge months ago when I mentioned some that (a) alcoholism runs in his family and he'd been drinking regularly since the A, as in nightly, and (b) he's on psych meds trying to find the best one for him, and combining it with alcohol didn't seem like a good idea while doing that. I don't THINK I was being his mother, just bringing up points, but now he's 'sneaking' - and NO, this is not every night, but maybe once every week or two that I can tell. A concern.
I'll bring it up, but will talk to C today about how to do that, so I don't come off as the Party Pooper Police.
Thus ends today's vent. Carry on.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Why's he got to invite you? Why don't you bring home a bottle, maybe grab a nice Belgian (beer that is!) and share a nice moment. Yeah, you are being motherly - but it's because you care. He's hiding it for two reasons - he knows you're right and he doesn't want you to worry either. It's a sign that he cares.
Have fun, be a bit rebellious. He sounds like he's not having much fun with you these days. What did you guys used to do for fun back when you were in love? What can you do now to get his heart thumping? Excitement increases feelings of love and togetherness. I've even heard that it's good for couples to have near-death-experiences every few years! I'm not advocating this, just saying that something to up the excitement level would be a good thing.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Muddle, I am so trailer-park about beer! Miller Lite is fine with me. H will drink Samuel Adams, etc and I just gag at the dark strong stuff! ha.
I completely agree about the fun stuff. Excitement has been non-existant for years and now in the face of children underfoot and no $$, I am paralyzed by HOW to have any. Which is depressing in itself.
I'd fall out of an airplane with him if it would help.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Hell, shout obscenities at people in the mall! That's free! Drink a couple beers before church! Embarass him in a way that you can laugh about. Act like a teenager at times. Let your inner child out. Stop taking everything so seriously. Poke and prod your husband, don't treat him like he's fragile and you don't want to break him. Kick his butt somtimes! Get your hands on him.
Look back at what worked in the past. What did work? How did you have fun together?
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
