My personal feeling is that the other component of the emotional stiltedness is genetic in origin. I have 2 kkids, less than 2 yrs apart. The environment hasn't been all that different for either one of them. One has a lot of difficulty expressing emotion while the other really lets you know where he's at. hey're complete opposites. One will never tell me if something is wrong, while the other tells me every last detail. I believe there's a genetic aspect to personality that can't be overlooked.
Aid, the one danger of reading the books is that you can get into fixer/ analyzer mode, where you start thinking too much about your H's issues and get derailed from your own growth. It's good to have an understanding and lend a helping hand, but he is goung to have to put the pieces of the puzzle together. I like the actions you're doing to facilitate some closeness. That takes a lot of strength. You're an awesome mom as well.
My personal feeling is that the other component of the emotional stiltedness is genetic in origin. I have 2 kkids, less than 2 yrs apart. The environment hasn't been all that different for either one of them. One has a lot of difficulty expressing emotion while the other really lets you know where he's at. hey're complete opposites. One will never tell me if something is wrong, while the other tells me every last detail. I believe there's a genetic aspect to personality that can't be overlooked.
Aid, the one danger of reading the books is that you can get into fixer/ analyzer mode, where you start thinking too much about your H's issues and get derailed from your own growth. It's good to have an understanding and lend a helping hand, but he is goung to have to put the pieces of the puzzle together. I like the actions you're doing to facilitate some closeness. That takes a lot of strength. You're an awesome mom as well.
Bworl, I don't know if you have read Silent Sons, but one of the points the author makes is that not every chld from a dysfunctional family has problems later in life. The author was such a Silent son, and he mentions others who survived with minimal damage. I have lent the book to a friend otherwise I would check the references.
The book is well worth reading. There is a ocmpanion book called 'Perfect Daughters' which might be more appropriate for MLC women . ..
After over a year and a half I have finally ordered that book.
My H fits the category to a T. His mom was depressed and verbally abusive. When I met him he always said "My pareents did the best they could. I have put that behind me" Now he says "I always felt taken care of" ...
(same shtick different lingo)
I DO NOT believe it for a second! From what is has told me there is no way he felt cared for or loved or that anyone took interest in him.
I guess my point is perhaps this is what also makes someone more prone to a MLC... not just the crappy childhood but a core aspect of denial Throughout adulthood) about how crappy it truly was and that maybe their parents did the best they could BUT he/she (the MLCer) DESERVED BETTER!
I really do feel for my H. HE DID deserve so much better.
brava
Me: 36 He: 34 no kids Married: 2000 He left: July 05
Maybe that is the piece with me. I know that I had a crappy childhood. I have been in counseling numerous times. H has never really admitted much about his childhood other than MIL and FIL always went to everything for his older an younger brother but his events weren't as important. He really hasn't even admitted that he has residual feelings from his parent's split when he was in junior high. But when we were first together it is something that he told me so it must have had an effect.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
Gang, Thanks for weighing in. Bill, my H has 2 siblings. His sister has always been emotional. She's always talked about how badly she felt about her parent's D. She always thought her dad was a jerk for cheating so much on his mom. She's never hidden the fact. She is very close to her mom and mildly close with her dad. She has different issues, like not performing well in school, but for the most part, she is emotionally in touch. H's brother seems to be doing fine as well. I'm sure he has his own stuff, but he is in disbelief over what H has done. My BIL basically learned at a very young to lean on his friends, not his parents. So he coped differently. My point is, each kid handled the emotional trauma differently.
IHJ, I hear what you're saying. Don't worry. I'm still focusing on myself. But the book helps me to have some more patience.
The wierdest thing happened today. Lately, I've been reading mine and H's horiscope. When he's here, I read them to him. Two hours ago, I read his...
Capricorn: Strange news comes your way. While you can't imagine how this involves you at first, you'll soon see how this directly involves (and benefits) you. Be creative when applying this newfound knowledge.
So, I asked if he received any news. He said no, that he hasn't been on email or his cell phone all day. So, later he gets a call from BIL. When he hangs up, i ask if he got strange news. he laughed and said no. So, then he goes to the store. He called me about a half hour ago to tell me that a friend of ours is ENGAGED! That is strange news becuase we never thougth he would actually propose to this woman. I was in shock. I said..'See... there's the news!" He just laughed at me, as if I'm crazy. I bet H will be asked to be in the wedding. That's probably how it will impact him.
Anyway, thanks for all the support. You guys are the best!
even the ages you stated are exactly the same in my case. If you ever find the answer to this, please share it with me, because I have been struggling with this for some time now.
What I have figured out about this is that our H's were so young when they got involved in a serious r with us. So, when most guys their age were dating around and "having fun" in their twenties, our H's were in serious, committed Rs. Now, that's not to say they didn't have fun with us, but I think they found themselves in their thirties realizing that they missed out on something.
I know in my H's case, he even said this. One of the things taht drew him to the A was that he never got to date as an adult. Now, neither did I and I'm not about to have an A, but I'm just trying to offer some explanaion of what's goign on. I think that when another woman comes into the picture, they don't have the will or strength to say now. It's just too tempting.
