Don't Trade Our Love For Tea & Sympathy

[osu43130]

Glad to see you had a pamper-me evening. I am also sorry for the bad day that you had. Today is a new day so make the best of it. You are in my prayers and God will always be there for you...

[believing_isaiah43]

Muddle, thank you.

I agree with everything you said, and I have wondered about apologizing so much as he has stopped apologizing so much, and what good is all this repetitive behavior? He just keeps running around his personal Mt. Sinai, and I don't know that I can do 40 more years here in the wilderness.

I struggle daily with feeling like I am inauthentic, b/c I want to sit him down and tell him all the things he is NOT doing, can't he see it? blah blah. I don't, I won't, but I fight it daily. I swallow this bitter pill all the time.

He says he's forgiven me but can't forget it. I disagree. I do think I've forgiven (finally) the A. What hurts and what I have not forgiven, is the ongoing lack of effort in this R. It makes me bitter and pissed. He focuses on what he WANTS to, expends effort on what he WANTS to. That is not ME in any way.

He stays awake at night until 2-4 am, his own avoidance behavior that has continued since pre-A, during A, and post-A. He now doesn't face/touch me in bed, we just change who's-sleeping shifts for child-watching. No time spent together. I asked him a few nights ago to hang out, and we watched the 2nd half of a basketball game together, and he immediately left to work on his resume after it was over. No interaction, outside of discussing the game. No PLEASANT,fun, lighthearted interaction. I am TIRED of this.

My S6 is home sick today, and H's a$$ is in the bed which is why I'm not at the gym. I work tonight, so I'll have to sleep this afternoon. He is fine with leaving the kids basically unsupervised while he sleeps. I am not. I'm tired too. I TOO am depressed to the point of sleeping in every spare moment. Damn, but my resentment is large and stuffed down. And yes, we are both on meds to try to help this emotional crap. Imagine how bad it could be without it

Nothing changes, so nothing WILL change. I could just hit him for his INaction. This passivity about the R is ultimately destructive, I think. Hope I'm wrong.

I've now been working full time for a year as of 2/13; had to get a job b/c of his A, and subsequent firing. I had hoped it would not be permanent, but it appears to be, and perhaps this is part of my sadness/anger this week. Esp. if we don't stay M, my stay-at-home-with-children days are over, and I mourn that too.

Right now he seems trapped in a place where something is preventing him from doing so.

Amen, my friend. and I just want to POINT THAT OUT, YELL IT FROM ON HIGH TO HIM. But I cannot, and I am more frustrated than I could have ever imagined myself. I feel he is deflecting, and placing blame for his hurt on everything else. Yes I did what I did, BUT is his motto. It used to be my motto, so I see it SO clearly.

[osu43130]

He is fine with leaving the kids basically unsupervised while he sleeps. I am not.

BI, I feel you here my STBX is the same way but my kids seem a little smaller than yours. Not sure how many you have but my STBX would sleep on the couch downstairs while my D1 would just run around and get into everything...Crazy the way they think isn't it?

I am TIRED of this.

I know your feeling. What do you think you should do about it? What do you think you can do to ease the bitterness that you currently have towards your H? I know you are trying to save your M and if you want that to happen you are going to have to find some way to deal with the anger and resentmet that you are feeling towards him.

Esp. if we don't stay M, my stay-at-home-with-children days are over, and I mourn that too.

This is so true. Unfortunately you need to look at this as a positive. You need to look at it as you are preparing your life for the future. If you do seperate in anyway you will have already started preparing for life after seperation and it will make it easier on you in the long run. I am actually happy for you for picking up a full time job. It shows how dedicated of a parent you are. That is something you had to do for you and your kids and you took the proper steps to do it. Kudos.

Yes I did what I did, BUT is his motto. It used to be my motto, so I see it SO clearly.

I agree with Muddle when he says it looks like you husband is trapped and will not let himself free right now. In time he will have to accept his part in the mess and forgive you for yours. Until then you will have to just stay patient and not let those crazy emotions get the better of you...

Stay strong BI.

[theoden]

BI,

Some observations:

1. Sound like your hubby is depressed, perhaps clinically. He should get help, simply for his own sake.

2. It's OK to state your desires/needs is small bite-sized, positive actions steps. Instead of giving him a huge "stop doing this" task like, "Stop being emotionally distant from me."
How about, "Hun, would you be willing to say, 'Good night'
to me and give me a kiss on the cheek before we go to bed?" Or instead of "You don't reach our to me at all" try, "Can we in the next week or so, plan a date night that we both might have fun in and agree not to discuss our relationship during this time?"

Maybe something basic, like sitting him down, when you are both awake and relatively decent moods and share with him what you want and need. It's Michelle's idea of asking for what you want.

It's the thing I have the most trouble doing . It's seems silly. But maybe it works.

In our case my wife addresses me with large "stop doing this" imperatives: I am emotionally distant, I don't "see" her true self, I don't respect her. Whan I've asked her what a positive expression of repsect would look like that I could try in the next 2 weeks, she refuses to answer.

Interesting...eh?

--Theoden

[MuddleThrough]

Instead of giving him a huge "stop doing this" task like, "Stop being emotionally distant from me."
How about, "Hun, would you be willing to say, 'Good night'
to me and give me a kiss on the cheek before we go to bed?" Or instead of "You don't reach our to me at all" try, "Can we in the next week or so, plan a date night that we both might have fun in and agree not to discuss our relationship during this time?"

This is excellent advice. Tell him what you want. Tell him how you'd like him to behave. This is ALWAYS easier to take than being told your behavior is wrong, bad, annoying, etc.

[Heywyre]

People always respond better by being asked than being told what to do.

[theoden]

BI,

Yes..you have repented of causing him to lose his job.

But...for a man, his identity is his job, his vocation. SO physchologically, you've emasculated him. He feels like your bitch right now. And until he gets his footing back in the work force, he'll always feel like he's half a man. How can he forget you cost him his job when he's unemployed?

Add that to guilt, public shaming and depression.

He must be a joy to live with.

Perhaps he needs encouragement. Not nagging. Tell him you are encouraged by his job seeking efforts and that it means a lot to you. Maybe let him know you care about him a lot (avoid the word love) and that you think he could really benefit seeing someone (a therapist) for himself to help him through this slump. Encourage him to do something for himself, to care for himself, because he's really worth it.

You know, it feels like he's only one good belly laugh away from starting to see hope in this situation.

I think he's lost hope and he's just going through the motions right now.

--Theoden

[theoden]

BI,

You posted this thing about trusting God through this and not obsessing over every thing you say/do.

Good move.

Let me share with you my wrestlign with God on this.

Here's what I found. It seems God likes DB principles, too. I still pray for him to change my wife, end her relationship with OM, etc. But, what I'm finding is that it's the prayers for me to change are being answered. For example, I've been praying that I can learn to patiently grieve with my wife and sit with her in her pain. Well, he's provided opportunities for me to do that. One evening on a date night, she was cold, angry, depressed and miserable. I wanted to say, "Let's go home, since you don't seem to want to be here." Instead, I drew her out. Asking questions, validating felings, listening, not judging, sharing my stuggles with similar issues. By the end we were laughing. The next day she called me and thanked me for really listening. The next night she initiated love-making. Sha-zaam. I must point out, I drew her our because I genuinely cared and loved her, not because I was doing a technique. I also had been GAL, so I was buoyant and happy, I was a dynamo of peace, fun and hope. Her sadness was not going to crush me. In addition, while I was drawing her our, I threw up a prayer, "Holy Spirit come and be here." I invoked the presence of the Almighty.

Another time, I was praying that God would humble me. Then I read this book called Come Back Barbara. It's about how a pastor learned to love his daughter unconditionally after she punted her faith, got divorced, and started dating drug-dealers. It didnt exactly apply to a marriage, but I began to see how I loved the self-pity, holding the moral high ground and the self-righteousness I had in our marriage crisis. It really struck me and I confessed it to God. One evening I was talking to my wife and I told her that throughout this process I was being very self-righteous and would she forgive me for that? She started to cry. She also commeted on how she noticed I was changing for myself and not for her and that she appreciated it. No we didn't have sex after that, but she's seeing that my heart is able to change.

So..God answers prayer. It seems he delights in answering the prayers of people who are seeking to humble themselves and become more Christlike.

When I pray the "miracle" prayers, I find, sometimes, that I'm just asking him to fix my wife, end the pain and turn the clock back. Most of all, end the pain.

But...the pain is what's changing me into a more wonderdful man, isn't it?

--Theoden

[whatisis]

So true, Theo! God (as you believe him to be) is giving you the opportunity to do something different, and you did. I too have had to look at myself and see all the marvelous changes I have made to myself and acknowledge that without this pain they never would have happened. Blessings come in many different guises, maybe the best is still to come!

[theoden]

Maybe the best is still to come.