BI, I'm so sorry to read about the latest developments in your sitch. It really does seem that your H's own self-loathing is holding him back from even being able to think about working on your M.
He needs to do something to change that, and if getting away on his own for a while is the only way he can do that, then he might just have to.
Maybe it doesn't even have to be an actual move, where he settles down somewhere else though. Maybe he just needs to go on a solo road trip for a while to get away from the glaring eyes of everyone in your hometown so he can start feeling good about himself again and hopefully realise that he's worthy of forgiveness, firstly from himself, and then also from you.
When my H first moved out, he mentioned that he was considering just "going bush" for a few days and not even taking his phone, so he could escape everything and everyone and get his head straight. As far as I know, he never did end up taking that trip, so hasn't really had any time to himself to reflect on who he really wants to be and what he really wants to do, and as a result is a total mess but is in total denial about it.
I really wish he had have taken some time for himself. I think that he, (and us) would have benefited greatly if he'd taken that timeout, and something similar may very well benefit your H (and your M) as well. Obviously, the way things have been, hasn't been working, so you'll both need to try a different approach.
I'll make sure and mention you in my prayers tonight!
Me:30 H:30 Together:10yr H left:Oct3'06,couple weeks before 5th wed anniv. No Kids OW bomb:Jan19'07 My thread: He filed.
Thank you so much, friends, for chiming in (and astimegoeson, for stopping by!)
Theoden, I had intended to point-by-point reply to your first post on my last thread. But dude, I am so tired. I keep reading that post over and over, and basically just nodding my head the whole time. Which is why I copied it to this current thread.
I agree with the whole bloody thing. The detach/fulfillment making one more attractive; absolutely. The making a Gratitude List at the end of each day. I did that for a while, pre-bomb, and forgot about it. Great idea, and I do it mentally but need to WRITE IT DOWN. you're right.
I have NOT written down small goals and I should. I've kind of avoided that b/c all my goals have not come to fruition, but I should break it down smaller. Bricks in the wall, instead of trying to have a building appear.
And funny you should say it, but every time I feel defeated and hopeless, I am always thinking: THIS IS THE GOD WHO RAISED THE DEAD, FOR PETE'S SAKE. MY MARRIAGE IS A CAKEWALK TO HIM. Thanks for affirming that.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
I hope I don't piss off H with today's post. It just spilled out from an ever-growing place of compassion for such a complicated sitch. H described it like when you vacuum, and go to clean out the cannister - all the dirt and strings and lint are all jumbled together in a mess than can't be untangled. That's how he sees me, as part of the tangle.
He said last night: I wish it were cut and dried. That I did what I did, and you weren't part of the people who hurt me.
But I am. And I don't know if he can 'untangle' me. Neither does he.
I told him: I have my hand extended. Only you can decide whether to take it.
So, how am I? Growing.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Was that your post on the blog? If so, it's a real compassionate understanding of your husband.
It's almost like I wish I could talk to him, or email him and talk to him about grace. I'm good at helping people see it. I'm almost unable to recieve it myself these days. Funny how we can use a gift for others, but can't use it for ourselves.
Anyhow, throw a prayer up for me. I need to feel God's love and grace so that I can be full in Christ and therefore be less judgmental. I want to invite my wife into a full life with me, not indict her for her shortcomings.
It's clear that when I'm doing OK, I'm more buoyant and able to listen to her. When I'm positive and joyful, she's less prone to "run screaming" from me. I'm just trying to open my heart and attract her.
You got it, friend. I am so sorry. Love is loooooooooooong suffering, isn't it?
This new chapter of our lives is so fraught with ups and downs, it makes me seasick.
Yes, I wrote that post about my H on the blog. No, he's not read any of my 'good' posts. He's not read the blog in almost 2 weeks, since the 'bad' ones. Of course. And I've been tempted to send him links to the blog twice this week (see! see! I'm writing nice stuff about you!), but that seems like forcing the hand, so I wait and hope he'll revisit on his own?
Hang on my friend. It is so hard some days. And Vday is going to suck. I scheduled myself to work that night, so I would not be around moping. No expectations of that day (I'm just postponing my expectations really; holding out hope for April - birthday/anniversary - and when that rolls by w/out The Love, I'll reset my date. That's how I roll, yo.)
Be back later today to check on you. C appt. today - woo! - haven't met with her since the comment about giving up she gave me, so we'll hopefully clarify.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Mama, what I was alluding to was already posted: #926810 - 02/10/07 12:41 AM
Theo, I scheduled myself long ago to work this Wednesday night. Seemed like way too many expectations if I was off work. So, I will buy him a card and leave it for him before I go. Expect nothing, or some bogus non-romantic gesture, from H. Last year's card from him was truly bad, so hopefully it won't be that bad (or worse- ack). But at least it was a card. No card will be worse.
He's looking for jobs out of state this week. Haven't figured out how I feel about that. He suffers much here daily (hourly, even) but I don't know how "healed" he'll be by moving either. Plus, I have zero intention of going without a recovery plan in place for the M. With goals, actions, and some fcuking commitment to making the M/R a priority.
But. With that said, I do plan to pray about it, and asked H to pray together again (he abandoned that, hasn't been consistent ever with it. Driving me crazy with his inconsistent nature about the R) about the job stuff, stay vs. go stuff, and to make sure that as a unit we do what God would want.
Sigh. I'm tired. And flirting with pissed-off-ness. I've done a really good job of stuffing that for now. Of no use, and no good comes of me whining about what I'm not getting, blah blah.
That's about it.
Theo, don't push the V-day stuff. It's just a day, man. I do plan to write on the card some version of "I love you" b/c it is V-day, so think I get a pass for that. But it's not been spoken between us for months and months. bleh.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
