Amy, "Please edit" as in remove your words from the blog? Just need clarification; let me know!! [yes, in some areas, i need you to hold my hand and use small words. forgive me]
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
this is from Theoden on my last thread. Will address it after my update to follow.
Quote:
God loves the raise the dead. He loves impossible situations. It's only when you are hopeless (in your own abilities) that you can really start to have hope (in Him). So start hoping again, because it looks like God is at work in your situation. I feel it.
First of all, I diagree with your counselor. If you've forgiven your husband for the A, then what grounds do you have to leave him? I'm speaking biblically. You can do what you want, but I'm asking you to think.
Second of all, I don't think your husband is leaving you anytime soon. He wants to work this out, he just hates himself right now. And yes, it sucks not having affection back. I know what that feels like. But thank God, you have time.
Thirdly. I think if you really GAL and start to to be fulfilled indepdendently of him, you will begin to attract him. People aren't attracted to drowning, upset, needy people. And also GAL can be spiritual growth. Maybe allowing Christ to be your righteousness, joy, peace and worth will begin to let you loosen the pressure on your husband. If you cup is full with Christ, then your husband won't feel that he needs to conform to your expectations in order for you to be happy. And that's sexy. You can be joyful in Christ even if hubby doesn't hug you tonight.
You know what helped me? Excercize and painting religious icons and...Writing down every night before I sleep at least 5 things I am thankful for that day. It can be small stuff: the salad I had for lunch, the smile I shared with my wife, etc. After 2-3 weeks I went from being morbid to being joyful and buoyant. But write it down. I also see a great Christian counselor who recommended a book: Authentic Happiness. He helped me climb out of a depression. He also recommended vitamins/supplements that could help my dark moods.
So..what are some GAL ideas for you? They don't need to be expensive.
Also, did you try Michelle's idea of writing down what you want from your husband in small, bit-sized, goals? And then asking him when you are both in an OK mood?
Keep at it hun. You are amazing for trying this.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Okee dokee. Had lots more to say, but there's a new development that could push this off the fence. Dang, it's been some horror show every 3 months.
SO. My faithful followers (bless you! ::waving::) know that H lost his job b/c of the A, and that I turned him in. Horrible stuff. Big debris and disaster.
H was a mgr. over 3 other people he loved dearly. He's been in and out of touch with them over the last year, due to most people dropping him like a hot potato of leprosy. I have been disgusted at the way folks have run screaming away from him, as if it would rub off. Anyway, I digress.
He has been slooooooowly rebuilding some of these relationships. not all, but some. and it's been with much hesitation. he was SO hurt by their abandonment in the most dark times, that he's like a skittish animal with them (and me). His whole world fell apart, he's unemployed, we live in a small town, loss of dignity/integrity, etc. There is much more to this, layer-wise, but just go with me for now as I'm trying to be brief-ish.
He had gone to lunch with a female co-worker, AND HER FIANCE, all perfectly okay. And had been emailing her about her son's basketball schedule, and a bit of his struggle, she with hers. No, I'm not entirely comfortable with it; it's not inappropriate at all, the content, just that I feel (and thought he did too) that if it's much deeper than the weather, you need not be sharing that stuff outside of your M. It's what happened with his A, and he later realized he didn't have clear boundaries. I thought he would have better ones by now, since he's previously spoke of it, but perhaps not? AND the fact that he wasn't communicating with ME recently, this stuff, so it actually was deficient over here in the M, yet he's sharing with another female. ::ding, ding:::some red flags and bells.
So he was going to meet them for lunch again this week, and gets an email from her last night that says she was 'informed' that corresponding with him is not such a good idea. Frankly, it's a bit of a blessing from God for the reasons mentioned above, BUT b/c of his particular skittish/humiliated nature, he is CRUSHED. and Furious at the same time. As if he's a child molester, etc. Will never rise above it, things will never change. people will never see anything but what he DID, not who he was and is. you get the picture.
so the upshot tonight is, H says 'i don't think i can live here anymore' (this city) - which has been SO difficult for him. he sees someone from work every single day, passes the road to work every day. a burden emotionally, and has been, but each time he thinks he can rise above a little bit, something like this just wipes him out.
BI 'i want you to stay, but understand if you need to leave'
H 'we'd all have to go'
BI 'you don't want me to go. i'm part of your torture and you don't even look at me in the eyes anymore'
H (not looking me in the eyes) 'i don't want to break up this family'
BI 'i don't either, but what kind of M is this? we're not moving forward at all. the kids deserve a happy family, this isn't God's best for us'
H 'it's not about us. it's about the kids'
BI 'i know it is, but you may need to be away from me for a while'
H 'but i don't want to break up this family. it could be worse. i do care about you and respect you'
this is just paraphrasing, but the defeated tone he had, and let me just tell you. he was very much communicating that he would not be around me if he could, but is conflicted about the children. i am not projecting, b/c i was so shocked (yet verrrry calm), didn't expect him to be so de-fcuking-tached about us. I didn't argue with him about how he feels, it was just HARD to hear and see, when I thought we were in a different place than we apparently are.
Hello, Denial? Party of one, your table is now available.
I hugged him, and he kept his arms at his sides. Like a corpse. Nothing. NOTHING. Hands at his fcuking sides, people. WTF. uck.
I tried to go to him last night, when he came upstairs to tell me about the email, and was so distraught. he stiff armed me before I had a chance to get near him. "no. i don't want anything. i don't need anybody. i am done"
I cannot adequately convey what this was like. it sounds on paper kind of temporary, and just a phase, but i'm telling you i thought he was potentially somewhere other than where he IS. damn it. i am so unimportant in his Big Picture. DAMN IT.
Oh great God Be small enough To hear me now
There were times when I was crying From the dark of Daniel's den I had asked you once or twice If you would part the sea again Tonight I do not need a Fiery pillar in the sky Just want to know you're gonna Hold me if I start to cry
Oh great God Be small enough to hear me now
There have been moments when I could not face Goliath on my own And how could I forget we marched Around our share of Jerichos But I will not be setting out A fleece for you tonight Just wanna know if everything will be alright
Oh great God be close enough to feel me now
All praise and all the honor be To the god of ancient mysteries Whose every sign and wonder Turn the pages of our history
But tonight my heart is heavy And I cannot keep from whispering this prayer: Are you there?
And I know you could leave writing On the wall that's just for me Or send wisdom while I'm sleeping Like in Solomon's sweet dreams I don't need the strength of Sampson Or a chariot in the end Just wanna know that you still know how many Hairs are on my head
Oh great God (Are you small enough) Be small enough to hear me now
-Nichole Nordeman, Small Enough
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
I foung this written on Marriage and it made me smile, comforting, and melancholic. I don't know why:
Its chosing your own family. It's almost like having your own personal historian running after you with a notebook. Just someone that witnesses your life and lives it with you.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Sorry believing. I know how the rejection from somebody you love can feel. The compassion you show in the face of that rejection is what makes you special.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
I wish I could tell you both something... because I'm not sure I'm too convinced of it myseld...but somwhere inside me I belive it's true...sometimes our personal sin and failures and mess ups are the defining moments in out lives when God really shapes us into the kind of people we need to be. Is it perhaps possible, BI, that you both will become luminous and powerful and gracious and merciful beyonf your wildest hopes because of this crisis? If we are united with Christ, we are united with his sufferings, too, in order that we may experience resurrection. Death leads to life.
Sometimes leaving the town you are in is the only way to start fresh somewhere new. He's not crazy.
And look...he should be thankful that someone doesn't want to cross that line with him. I know it hurts. My wife is re-thinking our marriage and having an EA with my best friend. I started sharing this with an old college friend of mine, who is a woman, and who lives out of state. She's a Christian. She prayed for us, started sending me marriage-saving books, etc. Then she stopped returning my emails and calls. I got one last email from her saying she developed feelings for me and that she would break off all contact. I didn't share those feelings, but it was clear that she did the right thing. I emailed her back thanking her for her wisdom and told her I wouldn't call her or email her back. Ouch. A 23 year friendship down the drain. And I'm the one who is trying to save my marriage. Look...shit happens. Your husband shouldn't be surprised.
On the other hand, these people in your town (and his friends) need to know something about grace. He's repented of his adultery, he's put the other woman off. He's chosen to be with you. People should be running towards him and cheering him on!!! The father loves the prodigal when he returns. He throws a party. Maybe you can talk to his old friends and say that he needs encouragement and grace, not judgment.
