don't get it! Help!

[kissak]

I just don't get it!! My H left a month ago and has been seeing a women who left her H the same day he left me. He tells people they are just talking. Then he spends the weekend with her after leaving 2weeks before. He denys anything went on before he left. LIE. Now I am told they are dating. He hasn't told me, I just see and hear. He is such a chicken!ughhhh. I however am just trying to be the sweet, kind women he fell in love with. I am trying to kill him with kindness. I invited him over for dinner when he dropped the kids off yesterday and he said yes he would eat with us. I thought that if this women knew, she might have something to say. I bet he never told her! We never talk about the future of Divorce, he chooses not to talk about it I guess. He has always been a happy person to be around, and now, whenever he comes around to get kids he always seems down. Does the fact that I pray before he comes over for God to put
pressure on him to reconcile have an effect! I hope so. This OW's personality is so unlike someone he would like. I just don't get it. She has no personality what so ever and no one likes her. I didn't even get a good impression the first time I met her years ago. He is 33 years old and we were in the process of selling our home and building a new one and all of a sudden he says he hasn't been happy for a long time and that we are different people now. Could this possible be a MLC? The bad thing about this is everyone he knows has lost respect for him since he left his 2 young children, and what was a great marriage, he had absolutly no responsiblities at home other than work to pay bills. It hurts so bad to see him with this other women so soon after he left me. How is he supposed to find out what love and happiness is when he finds someone on the rebound. He works with her every day which doesn't help matters for us. I am hoping that by being my nice, sweet self that I have always been will make him see what he saw in the begining. How can I handle this OW though, bad thing is she lives down the street and he lives where I have to go by there everyday. I can't get away from them. It is so painful. My H has always been a BIG flirt with the ladies and I hope that this new girl will not likely be okay with that matter. Another thing, while he was over eating dinner my S6 asked him when was he coming home to stay at night and he replied "I don't know buddy". Does he really not know? Just don't get him at all anymore. I really want him to come begging me back someday so I can say "I'm not sure about that". Sorry this is so long, I am just so depressed by his actions.

[cat03]

here hon, a explanation why:

========Beyond Betrayal===========
Romantic Infidelity

Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of failing in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continuing living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate - someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own - is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.

Emotionally Retarded Men in Love

About the only people more dangerous than philandering men going through life with an open fly and romantic damsels going through life in perennial distress, are emotionally retarded men in love. When such men go through a difficult transition in life, they hunker down and ignore all emotions. Their brain chemistry gets depressed, but they don't know how to feel it as depression. Their loved ones try to kee from bothering them, try to keep things calm and serene - and isolate them further

An emotionally retarded man may go for a time without feeling pleasure, pain, or anything else, untd a strange woman jerks him back into awareness of something intense enough for him to feel it - perhaps sexual fireworks, or the boyish heroics of rescuing hff, or perhaps just fascination with her constantly changing moods and never-ending emotional crises.

With her, he can pull out of his depression briefly, but he sinks back even deeper into it when he is not with her. He is getting addicted to her, but he doesn't know that. He only feels the absence of joy and love and life with his serenely cautious wife and kids, and the awareness of life with this new woman.

What he needs is not a crazier woman to sacrifice his life for, but treatment for his depression. However, since the best home remedies for depression are sex, exercise, joy, and triumph, the dangerous damsel may be providing one or more of them in a big enough dose to make him feel a lot better. He may feel pretty good until he gets the bill, and sees how much of his life and the lives of his loved ones this treatment is costing.
===============
http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1175/is_n3_v26/ai_13700396/pg_1

[Heywyre]

Sounds like my H is a combination of both of those - sheesh, he's got problems

[kissak]

Thanks Cat, It does seem like that is him. But, what do I need to be doing? He blames his unhappiness on me. The only reasons I get is things like, not keeping dishes washed and laundry kept up. Hello! I worked a 9 to 5 job too and take care of our 2 kids! He also said I didn't give him affection when he desired it. How can I show him the affection now when he won't let me be close to him? I noticed him staring at me during our dinner together with kids on Sunday, I don't now what he was thinking. I do feel like when he is around me he misses me, but when he is not around me, he doesn't even think about me. He told me 10 yrs ago when we had only been married a couple of yrs and we separated for 6 weeks, that he missed me when we were together, but when we were apart he didn't. Make any sense? His brain is like a honeycomb, he thinks about only one section of his life at a time, never sees the big picture. When he is with me, he thinks of me, when he is with OW, he thinks of her and not me...see the pattern? How do I get him to see the big picture and what effect this is having on our children? How long do emotional affairs last for retarted men!? I wonder if him seeing me with another man would jar him any. I have NEVER given him any reason to be jealous and I wonder what this would do to him.

[cat03]

your sitch sounds so much like mine, I'm also a full time mom w/2 kids and my H had an A w/a coworker. Sounds like your H is having a MLC.

He blames his unhappiness on me.

Yep, that's how it begins, the anger stage, where everything was the other S's fault, dont' let him get to you, it takes 2 to tangle, and as I'm sure you had your share in the demise of the M so does he. It blind sided me when my H left, but only until then did I take a HARD look at myself, and what did I see? a person who constantlly nagged, criticize, told my H what to do. Didnt' treat him like the man of the house, didn't put him as a priority, too tired to have sex w/him and rather spent time w/kids.
It took such a blow for me to realize this things. I'm saying this so you can also see what happened in your M, and we both know it wasn't the dishes nor the laundry.

When men feel rejected and at the brink then they do something stupid like have an A, not because they hate their S, but because they are trying to quench a thirst for attention, the newness of a new R without complicatin blinds them.

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How do I get him to see the big picture and what effect this is having on our children?
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Listen to me, you CANT make him do anything, sometimes women take their Hs for granted and expect them to do this and that. Right now your H is on a course in which he has to reach rock bottom for him to actually see that the OW is only a bandaid and the HE has a share in the strain of your M, that it wasn't only you. My H's anger stage lasted a few months, so hang in there and dont' hold your breath hon.

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I wonder if him seeing me with another man would jar him any.
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Yea, he'll just put another 1000miles between you two, and you would have scoop down to his same low level, I hope you were just kidding when you said that. Remember, his mind is a fried egg right now, dont' you make a stupid move like he did, your kids need at least one DECENT responsible parent, and right one, that's you.

Work on yourself, detach detach detach. Keep being kind, show him what he could be coming home too. I know is hard, I know it hurts and that every morning is hell. But it will get better, hang in there. KNOW that you can make it on your own,with or without him, you were a whole person before you met him, you can be one again.

The OW is just a distraction, pretty soon when the novelty wears off he'll see OW for what she is. How long this will last? Hard to tell, supposedly an A lasts 7mts or so, though by many posters here I see that it can be a yr or more.
My H's A lasted about 6mths on an off, he OW finally saw that my H was using her as a crutch and all his web of lies caugh up w/him.

In the meantime I always looked nice, was a friend to him and in the end that's what he says made him try again, that I was the only one who truly cared for him. He'd talked to me when he was depressed, I never talked R w/him unless he'd bring it up, I let him know that I'd be there for him.

Decide each day to be happy for you and your kids, your H right now is in la-la land, dont' wait on him. I highly recommend you join a woman's support group IRL or see a C, it saved my sanity to do both. You do need to vent and talk your hurt out.

You'll be fine kissak, you can make it.

[kissak]

Thanks again Cat! You are so inciteful. Are you and you H working on things? I kind of blew up at my H last night. I came home from Church and saw his car at the OW house. She lives at the foot of my road. It hurt me soooo bad to see that. I couldn't stand it and we had a text message war! He still claims that they just started seeing each other and that's all. He said whether I want to believe it or not, it just happened. He said he didn't lie to me about the fact he said he didn't leave me for another woman. I just find it hard to believe. I think it made it easier for him to leave because he had interest for her. Why, I don't know. She has NO personality! Any way I thought being the person I am, I text him this morning and told him I was sorry for the blow up and that I was just hurting, and he said he was okay with it. I told him about a medical problem that had come up with me and he said that no matter if he was my H or not he would always be concerned for me. I feel like I took 10 steps backwards last night. I feel like no matter what I say or do, he will never come back. Its hard to be just his friend and know that he is with someone else everyday. Sometimes I get so mad that I want to take him for every thing he's got! By the way, I'm not planning on using another man to see if he gets jealous. It has been a thought, but I don't want to close any doors on reconciliation, besides, why would I want another man to deal with!!!

[kissak]

Is it normal or a bad sign if the WAH acts like he is ok with leaving and that it doesn't bother him if I call and fuss at him about things. My Husband always says that he understands when I fuss at him about leaving. It's like he knows I have a right to be upset and angry at him. It doesn't bother him unless I start blaming him for something he thinks he's innocent of. I feel like he doesn't care that he hurt me and that he expects me to be upset with him. Will it ever start to bother him instead of him being ok with it. He started seeing this OW immediatley after he left. It makes me sad to see that he might just get hurt being with her. I want to tell him that, not just because I want him back, I just don't want to see him hurt. I genuinely care about him as a person, not just my husband.

[cat03]

My H also had the A right after he left, and I do believe him he didnt leave me for her, we had our problems. The thing is, after leaving the home the WAS is so vulnerable and if anyone pays them special attention and they feel conforted, BINGO! infatuation sets in and they seek refuge in this new person.

Why are you calling him to fuss? is that going to bring him back or giving ammo and reasons to stay away? You need to show him that you are a different person now.

[kissak]

Well, i have been texting my H today and he has been texting me back, he started it. He wants us to be friends through all this. I told him I just needed him to tell me when he is seeing someone. It is a respect thing. I also told him i needed him to be my friend and willing to talk to me when i needed him and I would do the same for him. I also said I might need a FRIENDLY hug from him sometimes. He said he would be there and would give that friendly hug when I needed it. I am trying to keep him seeing I am a friend that will care for him no matter what. Hopefully that might bring him back to me someday when he can't find the happiness he is lookin for.

[flip]

My H started seeing the OW a week after leaving me. That is incredibly hurtful for the LBS, that we can be discarded so quickly, but the WAS only do it to try to make themselves feel better. The OW will validate them and their decision and the intoxication of a new R helps to supress any niggling doubts they might have.

He may well get hurt by the OW, equally he might end up hurting her. Either way, you have to let him live his own life and experience his own mistakes.

Any why are you calling to fuss??!!