After months of watching these boards I now really need some advice on my situation. I am a Brit in the US for 6 yrs with my British H and baby. Several major life events in the past 2yr and 12 months ago moved states, new jobs, baby in tow, no family/friends. Six months later (Aug 06)I find out about H's affair with co-worker which he initially denied (H and I work in same place but different positions and shifts). Was completely blindsided; no hint this was coming although in hindsight can see the factors that led to EA and PA (we moved to US for my career, I am workaholic, not much intimacy since S born etc).
Never believed in counselling (typical Brit) but as a last resort asked if H would consider it. Shocked that he did and said he wanted to try again with our R. However, he was lying to C as still with OW even though she had just moved 2hrs away. It's not easy trying to discuss R issues with toddler climbing all over; no family/friends near so had no-one to leave S with while we talked/cried. I admitted my part in the breakdown and made steps to address problems. Went to UK in Sept 06. Had terrible time; H told me he wanted OW and not me. Found emails from OW describing everything they had done, how they will be married and have kids etc...wanted to vomit. Had to face a journey back to US alone with son; got home to house in US to find H had moved out. He said he would contact me in a few days even though he was primary caregiver for our son for 3 days per week...so I had no childcare.
Did the usual crying, begging etc for weeks. Found DB website a month later. Read DB book. Without realizing I had been doing some of the techniques (not constantly calling, trying to GAL etc). Since end Oct 06 H comes to the house 2 days per week to look after son (Tues, Wed) and driving 2 hours each way back and forth on both days. Returns to area on Thurs for job (still hasn't got another job even though OW has been pushing for this since Aug 06. Denies he is even looking) and comes to see me and son on way to work - it is a night shift job so comes home to sleep off nightshift on Fridays and Saturdays. Drives back to OW on Sun morning then drives back to me on Tues.
H spent Thanksgiving with OW and met her parents. I returned to UK for Christmas as couldn't face it alone in US with baby. Had a wonderful time and didn't really miss H like I thought. Came back with renewed confidence. Had been noticing baby steps and had seen some improvement recently (H leaving some things at house etc).
However, things have slid back a lot and I am now back to crying. Just as I get my hopes up that there are small improvements things happen that make me realize H has no intention of giving up OW (his soulmate!). Although he initiates most calls and still calls me "babe" he thinks I am doing fine with this situation and we are good at being friends. Thinks of me as his best friend and doesn't want to lose me - he is in and out of my life/home serveral times a week to see our son and it is killing me knowing that he is sleeping with OW (who is in 20s and he is 40). Part of me wants family back, part of me cannot possibly see how we can get over this. It is not his first PA.
Being strong and idependent and showing him I can live without him is easy because it is part of what led to breakdown. So I feel that my behaving like this is confirming what he thought - we are better as friends. Not sure that the independence thing is right for my situation.
Tonight we had bad snow and freeways at 30mph - yet he would rather drive 3 hrs in treacherous conditions back to OW than stay over in spare room even though he needs to be back here early in a.m. anyway. This has devastated me all over again and the crying and saying ILY etc started again tonight. Just don't know if I can go on living in this bizarre situation, PA been going on for 6 months, H moved out 4 months ago. Sorry this is so long but it is an odd situation that needed explaining. Please, any advice? Is there any hope for my marriage after this long?
Me 36 ring on H 41 ring off S2 Together since 1992 Married: 2000 Bomb Aug 06 H moved out Oct 06 (and straight in with OW)
I'd like to welcome you to this forum. You will find a lot of good advice from the wonderful people that are here to save their marriage/relationships. Take what you need and leave what you don't. Since you already have the DB book, you are one step to saving your marriage. Once you've GAL'ed (Get A Life) and achieve sort of a PMA (Positive Mental Attitude)you might find that the pain will ease a bit. It may still be there but you'll have better control of your emotions. You need to process all your emotions don't hold them back it's not healthy for you or your child. In my case,I took the advice of people that have been DB'ing for while and tried very hard not to let my emotions get the better of me particularly in front of my W. You can keep sort of a journal like this post of yours and add on to it whenever you can. You will most likely realize later on that most, if not all, the DB'ing techniques you'll learn are for YOU. Browse the other other topics for ideas for GAL, 180's, etc. I'm sure others will chime in later to give you some comments and/or suggestions. I'll see if I can find other reading materials on affairs that might help you. For now, you should read up on the DB book regarding infedility. You've got a lot of work ahead of you so hang in there. Right now just concentrate on YOU and your child's well being.
H, Thanks for your comments. I appreciate someone reading my long post! My PMA after Christmas seemed to confuse H and he seemed more interested in me. But he knows I can do it on my own - I have always been the one that can cope with everything...his response to bolting (frightened he would lose his soulmate when she moved cities) even though he was the caregiver for our child was because "I knew you would sort it (the childcare) out". His father ran off with another woman when he was a child and he said "well, I turned out OK" (???) so he doesn't seem to be overly concerned about our son. My family is the complete opposite and everything I wanted my marriage to be for my child. I don't believe in D and I cry because of what this is doing to our son who wanders around the house calling for daddy. Up to the A he was a model father and I was so proud of him. I have done so well with some of the DB techniques (mostly!) but am starting to think that nothing is going to work because he seems quite happy with the situation. It's making me physically sick even though I have rarely shown it infront of him in recent months, until this week. I have often wondered if this is also a MLC.
Me 36 ring on H 41 ring off S2 Together since 1992 Married: 2000 Bomb Aug 06 H moved out Oct 06 (and straight in with OW)
Living independent lives attributed to the breakdown of our M too. But I was the one that had the A. When I was in the midst of my A, I too believed the OM was my soul mate. Now that I am out of the fog, I realized I can never be more wrong.
When I spoke to the DB coach she told me to utilize 180 and GAL. So, even though independence contributed to the breakdown of the M, DB can still be done. I think the main result is for you to be healthy mentally even if you are not in the R with your H.
But when H is in my prescene to give him my undivided attention.
She asked me why my H was attracted to me and to become that person again. She also asked what made us a couple and to emphasize that.
I am not too far into the process myself, so I hope what I am able to provide helps.
Thank you so much for your words. I need to re-read DR! If you don't mind me asking, how long did your A last? I feel that H is getting too comfortable with the situation as he has the best of both worlds and it will never end. Am also starting to wonder if I could ever really love/trust him again. Maybe it's better to end it now while S is too young to understand much.
I will try and give H more attention....all but ignored him this morning even though he was trying to be nice and cleared all the snow off the drive as soon as he got out of the car after his 2hr drive. I did make dinner this morning and told him it was there when he was hungry (while I was at work, which is a 180 for me since he was the chef in our house!). I am also making links with other people and trying to get out of the house even if I take S with me. Do feel better for it.
Reason I think MLC also: moved out without warning; bought new car even though we were just making ends meet financially, bought new clothes, changed appearance, changed mailing address, got new cellphone (different area code). Guess this one may take a long time to end......not sure if I can wait it out
I hope your DB techniques are working for you. Please let me know how things go with you.
Me 36 ring on H 41 ring off S2 Together since 1992 Married: 2000 Bomb Aug 06 H moved out Oct 06 (and straight in with OW)
No worries geordie. Just glad I could somehow contribute my own thoughts with regard to your sitch. If you two ladies have the time, I was hoping you can read up on my own dilema. Perhaps you might be able to learn something from it and/or offer your insights from your own point of view. Please post your response in my own thread keeping this one as geordie's very own. Thanks in advance.
Aside from the DB book, here is a site that I found a while back that I found helpful in answering a lot of my own questions when I first suspected my W's affair started. The links to the articles are to the left of the webpage. Hope it helps.
Thanks for the links. I posted on your thread. Your strength is inspiring.
I read so much back in Aug although I need to go back and read again as it is easy to get sidetracked. I also have something about different types of A's and the chances of them lasting, characteristics of people involved etc...it's really interesting and helped me a lot. I have it in pdf form and you are welcome to read it if you would like.
Well, this evening when I returned home H was very nice to me. Enjoyed telling me about his day with S1. Out of the blue he hugged me and said "I know we need to talk, we'll do it at the weekend, OK". I smiled and just said that I think it would be a shame to throw away the past 14yrs. He hasn't said the "talk" word since he wanted to "talk" to tell me he didn't want me anymore, and that was back in Sept. He thanked me for cooking his dinner. I noticed things of his still in the house and he has not taken S's car seat out of his car (that's a first, the spare seat usually stays in the house). He called me 30 mins into his drive to OW to check on me and make sure I was doing OK cooking rice (he is very particular about cooking rice....should be on Iron Chef or something)...I can't help but get hopeful that he is considering a move back...but I know I should expect a step backward since we seem to have had a good day today. Oh..this is hard.
Me 36 ring on H 41 ring off S2 Together since 1992 Married: 2000 Bomb Aug 06 H moved out Oct 06 (and straight in with OW)
No expectations about your convo this weekend. Keep your cool either way, validate and affirm... take a bottle of water w/ you so you can take a drink to buy time to form your response. But I really have my fingers crossed for you. One day at a time. Julie
