I do not believe separtion is the answer, and should be use only as a last resort. Because even this may not work for your M .
Re-- things are not that bad, I can understand that one as my W said the same thing. To bad I did not listen to her at the time. I now known as hard as it is communication is the answer, You both have to learn how to talk to each other. Have to get back to being friends. H has to learn how to listen to you without taking it personally, I did not get it and would shut down when W was trying to talk to me. Men want to avoid conflict at all cost.
Yes sex is very important in R. Talking and romance are primary means for a women to experience love, sex is a way for a man to connect with love and feelings he has.
Why does it have to be so hard for us to understand, we all need to learn the 3 Rs in school, my be they should start to teach imporatins of relationship skills from day one!!!!
Meggie...I posted eralier on your thread. I was reading JimFromBostn's thread where you were looking for anyone that has autistic children.....My son is 7 yrs old and is officially diagnosed with Autism. Although there has been thought of changing that to PDD-NOS at times. I was wondering from your original post if in fact your son was autistic, but I always handle that question carefully.
Thanks Utterly, I do think I have to try different things then I have been doing. H says he wants to change but just 'doesn't understand' no matter how many times I explain so I definitely am not getting through with my current methods. I do tend to agree with intim. not being used as a weapon too. Guess I just have to impress on him it doesn't mean everything "okay", that there are still serious issues to work on. Thanks,
KJ, The encouragement to change now is so needed. Thanks. I really think it is true that I need to do some different things regardless of m status. Just to kind of remember who I am. I use to think that was so psychobabbly but really there does come a time to examine who we are and where we are going and I think I am really at that point.
Thanks TEW, I really don't think the problems with the kids are the main thing going on with us either. It just brings all the problems that were always there (a big one being that I feel like H is another kid I have to take care of instead of a real partner and co-parent)to the surface because now those qualities are needed (and missed) more than ever. Yes, my 3 year old was dx with autism at 2 and was placed on the severe/moderate scale. Now he has worked up close to mild already. His therapist thinks that there may be a chance that he will be Aspergers or better someday but of course no one knows for sure. So I am very hopeful for the future but still very scared and I still grieve for the childhood he should have had before this stole him away. He really was fine one week and within a couple weeks he was completely gone and a part of me feels like he (and in someways I) died when that happened. I don't mean that disrespectfully because of course the death of a child is much, much worse but really it was just like someone snuck in and kind of kidnapped the inside and left us with trying to get him back.
My older son (after years of non and misdx) was dx with Aspergers this summer. Although he lives a fairly normal life and has many gifts(in a regular class, etc..,) his behavior is a real problem and dh often lets me handle him because he hasn't made the effort to learn how or doesn't want to deal with it. On top of it he will sometimes blame me for the problems-"oh, he's just spoiled" etc.., So in some ways I really ended up with these 2 kids that need both their parents to be there 100% and by this time we already had a baby and although we have taken some precautions (no vaccs, etc.., just in case) I feel like it is going to just happen again and I wonder how long I have. Right now baby is fine, but so was my second son at this age. Everyone says this kind of thing just doesn't happen 3 times but then with autism being on the rise 800% or whatever it is now who knows? I just know I can't go through this again but if I have to I would rather do it alone and alone then (supposedly) with someone and alone. That feels so much worse. And then to have dh not be with me on this and spend my time having to run around and help him with every little thing (I mean the man can not even remember his own medical appts) when he should be the one handling his own affairs plus help me with the kids. Well, as you can tell I get pretty mad and end up feeling it would be so much easier if he would just get out of the picture. Yet, a part of me knows that is not the answer so that is why I am here.
I am so glad you wrote to me because it is good to get the perspective of someone else who is there. And I am so glad that your child is progressing so well. That is something I am thankful for -that my children live in a time when there is a lot of help and hope for ASD whereas even 10 years ago things were so much harder for these kids.
Thanks so much for letting me get that off my chest and I'll try to work on the PMA thing in future posts.
Islander, I would like to avoid separation if possible if for no other reason than it is costly and I really think he should be able to "get it" without me having to take it to that level. It seems like many do kind of wake up and realize how bad it has gotten though once the separation happens so in some ways I wonder if that might almost help OR. I am really looking to avoid that though and am going to be applying what I can from DR first. Thanks for the input.
It sounds like you have your hands full! My H also didn't "get it" when I tried to talk to him about our problems. He told me that he thought "Whatever. She'll get over it." when I would bring up issues.
When I reread your posts I noted that there was no mention of counseling, either individual or couples. Are you interested in pursuing counseling as an option? Particularly with a solution-based therapist? I know you mentioned that finances are tight - however some medical plans cover a number of free individual counseling visits.
I've found individual counseling to be really helpful over the past couple of years as a sounding board and a place to get new ideas for strategies to try, etc. I wasn't able to get my H to go to couples counseling until after I moved out, but I think that it could help with your communication. My H and I have gone to two counseling appts. so far, and it's been a great comfort to me to have another person in the room helping me try to get through my H's thick skull!
Quote: "(I mean the man can not even remember his own medical appts) when he should be the one handling his own affairs plus help me with the kids."
Do you trust him to handle his own affairs? It sounds like he doesn't have to: you do it for him. Back off on this - it may be necessary to let him fail once or twice to meet his commitment. But then, they are HIS commitments, not yours. I'm trying to do this with my pre-teen as well.
Also, your idea of his help may not be his idea of help. Look again at his actions with an eye for recognizing when he does help. If you give him more "carrots" for helping, you won't feel like beating him over the head with a stick. Personally, I find this VERY difficult to do, as I feel he should not need my positive reinforcement to do what he should be doing. But, that's MY expectations, not his. -KJ
Meggie....I certainly understand where you are coming from in your sitch. In a way, my W and I went through a lot of what you and your H are going through emotionally, I believe. That was 5 years ago in our case. Although the sitch never caused the level of strife that you are facing.
Like I said, I can fully understand what you are experiencing, but I do not want to trun your thread into a discussion on the emotional issues of dealing with disabled children. If you want more insight on how we delt with the situation and what we went through I would be happy to discuss that off this BB. You can e-mail me at ziggyw@attglobal.net or leave your e-mail and I will offer my opinion. I will be very honest with my perspective of how mother's and father's deal with this sitch differently.
I am glad you decided to stay and work on your R. Read DR and apply the principals, you can make difference.
Meggie, How brave of you to question your thoughts of leaving and post on a board filled with marriage-saving diehards! You're incredible.
I also want you to know that my heart goes out to you about your children. Do not apologize when you talk about the grief you feel over losing the reality of a normal child/childhood. Grief comes in many forms and yours is, without a doubt, justified. Many couples struggle when their children have problems. I'm not surprised you are as well.
You have gotten some wonderful advice and support on this thread. I'm delighted that you will be familarizing yourself with DB principles. That's wonderful
I'm really struck by the fact that your husband keeps telling you that he doesn't understand what you want from him. My guess is that you haven't said it in a way that makes sense to him. I have a suggestion. Read the thread on goal-setting, Newcomers, set your goals. And read that section in The Divorce Remedy. If you'd like, post your goals here or on the goal-setting thread and we will help you make sure you're clear enough about what you're hoping will change in your marriage. That will help you get started.
One thing is for sure, you're right about the fact that divorce wouldn't necessarily make your life easier. It's hard to feel lonely in a marriage, I agree. So do something to change that. You can do it the DB way. Michele
