Okay, this is going to sound reallly stupid, but I did something very special for myself. I bought a puppy! He is adorable and I'm now focusing on making the new addition feeling comfortable rather than dwelling in my "dark" places. H is a little jealous as he told me "well I must not be giving you the attention you crave" I overlooked this because it really isn't about him, it's about me. I have for the past 1 1/2 years put my H first in my life, even over my children (kids from previous marriage) because I was committed to making our M work despite his infidelity. H has been great trying to rebuild and frankly so have I, but we all know that it'll never, ever be the same. Unlike some of the posts, our M was pretty close to perfect before his A, H even said so. Can it better? I really don't see how you can improve on perfect.
Gotta question for all of you out there. My H is going on his first business trip since I found out about his A because I told him that the only way I would be willing to work it out was "no more overnight trips" Next week, he doesn't have a choice so he'll be gone and I'm freaking. H doesn't know that I'm freaking as I'm keeping these feelings suppressed, but I'm being flooded with thoughts of "what ifs" How do I deal with this?
Acknowledge those feelings and then tell them to go away. You cannot live in fear forever nor can you control what your H does while he is out of town. You are going to have to trust that it is just business. If you start to act all suspicious you will plant the seeds. Wish him well and tell him you will miss him then spend the weekend focusing on training your new puppy to do some new tricks!!
Quote: My H is going on his first business trip since I found out about his A...but I'm being flooded with thoughts of "what ifs" How do I deal with this?
Hey, I was just there (kinda) about a month, month and a half ago. My W went to a wedding about 100 miles away that took her right through OM country.
I have no idea what will work for you, but I can tell you what I/we did.
First, I made a decision early on that I wanted this to be an opportunity for growth and building trust and did my best to set my mind firmly in this direction. I told my W this to make her feel better, cause she was concerned.
Second...I made sure to spend that day doing stuff with my boys and for my wife. That kind of tanked because the boys both got invited to go to friends' houses, which put me at home alone. So I prepared a special meal for W's return which, including the shopping, took most of the afternoon/evening, and kept me busy til an hour before she got back.
Third...in my case, I was really good and nice before she left. Didn't bring up any bad stuff and met her when she got off work, right before she left, and brought her some lunch from her favorite fast-food place to eat on the road, as well as a couple diet cokes, some cash, car phone charger, etc. So we left on good terms and that made me feel good (and her too, I think).
I still had a few twinges here and there...but I somehow got myself into this mindset where any time I felt a little rough, I'd do something nice for her around the house while she was gone. It was still hard at some points, but all that busy work and the attitude helped a lot.
So when she got home to a nice welcome, and some food (they didn't have anything she liked at the wedding), we were both in a good mood and had a nice time talking about the wedding and stuff.
The real benefit was that it DID manage to be an occasion for growing a little and trusting a little better. For me, that nothing would happen; for her, that it was possible for us to have a normal life without me turning everything into a problem linked to the past.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
I haven't posted much lately because there's been really nothing going on. I'm close to two years in recovery and things are progressing as "nothing" really happened. With that being said, I'm starting to dream again about his A. There has been a few triggers. He's traveling overnight again and his finances continue to go downhill. I'm a little concerned about this and I think that's what's causing the dreams. Yes, I've talked to him about his finances, not accusing him of being irresponsible, more like, "let me know if I can take over a bill to help with the household finances." He tells me not to worry and then I find out the house payment hasn't been made, and he gets notices in the mail that several of his checks have bounced. What can I do about this? I really feel like I'm walking on eggshells! I could stand up and be strong and "tell" him what I'm going to do, but I think he would take offense to this. He really has gotten himself in a mess and he seems to be getting more and more depressed. Any advise out there for me?
haven't posted much lately because there's been really nothing going on. I'm close to two years in recovery and things are progressing as "nothing" really happened. With that being said, I'm starting to dream again about his A. There has been a few triggers. He's traveling overnight again and his finances continue to go downhill. I'm a little concerned about this and I think that's what's causing the dreams. Yes, I've talked to him about his finances, not accusing him of being irresponsible, more like, "let me know if I can take over a bill to help with the household finances." He tells me not to worry and then I find out the house payment hasn't been made, and he gets notices in the mail that several of his checks have bounced. What can I do about this? I really feel like I'm walking on eggshells! I could stand up and be strong and "tell" him what I'm going to do, but I think he would take offense to this. He really has gotten himself in a mess and he seems to be getting more and more depressed. Any advise out there for me?
Thanks.
Edited by Gwyn ( 48 seconds ago) _________________________ Gwyn
haven't posted much lately because there's been really nothing going on. I'm close to two years in recovery and things are progressing as "nothing" really happened. With that being said, I'm starting to dream again about his A. There has been a few triggers. He's traveling overnight again and his finances continue to go downhill. I'm a little concerned about this and I think that's what's causing the dreams. Yes, I've talked to him about his finances, not accusing him of being irresponsible, more like, "let me know if I can take over a bill to help with the household finances." He tells me not to worry and then I find out the house payment hasn't been made, and he gets notices in the mail that several of his checks have bounced. What can I do about this? I really feel like I'm walking on eggshells! I could stand up and be strong and "tell" him what I'm going to do, but I think he would take offense to this. He really has gotten himself in a mess and he seems to be getting more and more depressed. Any advise out there for me?
Thanks.
Edited by Gwyn ( 48 seconds ago) _________________________ Gwyn
Hi Gwen, Finances are a touchy subject even for happily married couples. In any case, it needs to be addressed. Just tell him you are concerned that the house payment is late and your account is overdrawn and is there anything you can do to help. Men seem to tie a lot of self worth into this subject so you want to be careful not to make him feel like a failure that cannot support his family. On the other hand, if he is being irresponsible and blowing money while on these "business trips" that might be a red flag.
agree /w mama, since you guys are married, you can get screwed too, so I dont' see why you can't ask, not paying the house is a biggie. I don't know how you guys do finances, I guess you each contribute and have your accts. separate (we have ours joint so we both know what goes in and out).
Tell him that perhaps you could be in charge of mailing out the payments for the bills (home,etc) if that would make things easier for him, something doesn't seem right.
Good luck hon, even if you have to step his toes having checks bounced isnt' a good sign at all and a sign that can't be ignored.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
