out of mlc into piecing together, Need advice!!

[Was2sad]

Wow woman, there are lot's of words flying around in your mind.

Downshift.

Breath deep, slow down. Too many details to weigh. Lots of red herrings here.

No amount of consideration of so many details will give you any more confidence that any decision is the right one, than if you narrow this down to a few basic overiding issues - and face them. Who are you trying to convince, and who do you really need to convince? This jury has been given so much detail they forgot the charges.

He cut you out of his life and made eratic decisions that affect everyone in the family with no regard for anything but what he wanted. Is that who you M, or is that the guy about to turn 50 ... mlc?

How many guys at 50 are still trying to grow their earning ability dramatically instead of finding the best way to retire asap and play with momma?

If this is who you M and this is how he has always been, why so surprised now? I don't think so. I see mlc all over it, but haven't met the man. You have.

If it is mlc and you are detailing the last 18 months, review the mlc basics some more. You are seeing signs he is popping up out of the tunnel and looking for a safe place. He does not want to fully face his guilt or actions and hopes you will join his party. I'm not reading about his signs of crisis stage depression that herald Acceptance and Withdrawel like we typically see in the final stages. Maybe he is ahead of his class. Most mlc that return to the real world are gone a couple years up to five or more.

He misses you more than when he started this journey, so he is not totally gone. Is he totally finished with his mlc?

How can you make decisions for yourself or the kids unless you know? Do I need to repeat myself?

You are tossing around all kinds of "what if" so let me confuse you some more. "What if" he is not done with his mlc and you drag the family up there. "What if" it is not the life he thought it would be? "What if" it does not make him happy? "What if" you just can't do it when you get there, or hate him forever for making you? First, you will hate yourself for doing it, then him.

Then what? What eratic thing might he do next in his search for his lost happiness or meaning of life?

Do I want you all to be happy? More than anything else. Have you convinced me that such a move would make that happen? You haven't convinced yourself, so why me?

You said before that some parts of the cold state are prettier than others. Is he asking you to move to the place you would be happy or one that would make him happy? Is he considering a split family in one state that would reduce his weekend commute, and does it even matter? What do you want?

If you can't have what you think you want right now... how much are you willing to give up as you look for a settelment resolution?

If you have made it 18 months, can you make it 19 without deciding anything? Or 20, or more? The longer you consider your inner feelings and thoughts, these things will happen.

You will become more guided in your decision, more confident.

He will have more time to complete his inner journey, and contemplate how comfortable he is living out his daily life that far from family.

Are you telling us he has gone and gotten high pay credentials now that are only valid in one state in our country, that he can not now go get in Cali, or any other state if he desired? Or is the cold state just the one he has decided to live his last days in? There could be a lot of them ahead. Do you want to live yours in a place you honestly don't want to be? Or with someone you aren't honestly sure is himself again?

pondering .... hhmmmmmm.....

[LostLou]

Thanks J –

My H left right before my D16’s Jr year too. Grades are in the toilet. He is trying to act concerned, but you have to be around it all the time, not just here and there to really get it and look like you mean business. My D has been looking for a place for him to live that she can stay with him now and again. She misses him desperately. He won’t tell us where he lives, well he says he lives with a work friend, but I know he doesn’t live there – I assume it’s with OW from some snooping I did. Yuck - D doesn’t know about that, and I won’t tell her. Our C said it’s important not to be too sad around her, or let her find out about OW – that she already feels abandoned by him. Great.

His job thing is weird, we were all set to move last year – a big promotion for him, and he decided it wasn’t worth giving my job up, his retirement, uprooting kids, etc. Now, he gets a better offer from them, and he is good to go – see ya, bye! Looking back over the last several years, I see the depression and know that we were in for some crazy times ahead. Got to love that hind sight and all.

My C told me the same as you, you are a beautiful, vibrant woman, and won’t be alone if you choose to date. You shouldn’t fear the end of the M, just make it all about you for the first time and enjoy yourself. Easy for her to say! My H comes around a lot to “check in” on D (S20, S24) and myself, which I so look forward to, but which is keeping me from moving forward. I end up sitting around wondering where he is and if he’s coming over. His C and mine have both told him to cut me loose and move on if he doesn’t want to work on M. He said he can’t do that, “I’ve know W for 31 years and I know better how to handle this D.” Good for you buddy! Doesn’t know me as well as he thought, or he’d quit acting like an a@@!

It is nice to hear about where you are now, and that you can move on and be happy. It’s wonderful that your D is so talented, and I know you are a very proud mom! If nothing else, this MLC crap has taught us to wake up and appreciate all of the wonderful things in our lives – our children, friends, family. I think we all get a little complacent – I know I did. I know you will make the best choice for you and your family. I think I’m leaning on you giving it one more shot. You’ll always wonder “what-if” if you don’t try.

Thanks for your advice and feedback, it’s appreciated!
Lou

[brandnewday]

J
All I can honestly say that as long as my Husband is willing to try I am also.
As you know, I packed up my house and was trying to sell it to relocate.
I was doing this more for the kids then for me.
As much as I love CA I also love my home here and didn't really want to give it up, BUT I would have done so had God not intervened.
My prayer was that my H would just move back home and IF in time we decided to move back to CA, that we would do it as a family.
As far as his job is concerned, he will be working for the same company doing freelance work.
One of the key differences between you and I is that you have completed your education, you have a career and are financially secure.
You have so much more independence then I do and in some ways that should give you some security.
At least if you try to make things work with you and your marriage and things backfire, you have the ability to stand on your own two feet and support yourself.
That is one of my biggest regrets.
That during the MLC I didn't just go back to school, as I would have completed my degree by now.
J, I don't like the idea of you and the OM.
If you are sharing personal things with him and becoming too close even if you can say you are just friends, it can be bordering an EA.
Two people going through similar cirumstances, a shoulder to cry on...you already know the schpeil.
Just be careful.
I don't want you to base your decisions on emotions.
Every day I deal with memories and I hope that in time they will go away.
Perhaps there will always be a scar there from the hurt that was caused, but I don't want to dwell on the bad stuff anymore.
For the two years he has been gone he has led a life that did not include me or the children.
He made new friends told many lies and tried to escape reality.
BUT
On the plus side, as much as he tried to forget about us he couldn't and is coming home.
I also have to look at the fact that he is giving up his dream job and returning to the place he ran away from.
I think coming home takes alot more guts then running away.

My Husband has been making apologies, things are moving forward and I am still working on patience and being still.
This time last year I was waiting for Divorce papers to arrive.
Now I am waiting for my Husband to arrive.
I see the light at the end of the tunnel.
J, this is a risk but I have to try it one more time.

[brueniap]

J-
I've been reading along and am struck by a couple of things myself. I think we have to look at things from all angles. If you are still interested in your marriage I say what's not to try. You have a fantastic opportunity awaiting you with a new job - if you should choose this.

H deserted you for his dreams..........i guess this is where we face true forgiveness. Unconditional mercy. Humanly impossible - not impossible with God. I think many things have to be wiped out of our own minds if we're going to make the plunge again with our spouses. If we always remember the hurt we won't get over the hump and move on.

and besides..........you could love it there.....you don't know unless you try.

but you have to make a decision. I read in "Feel the Fear and do it Anyway" - there are no bad decisions - just different ones with different outcomes. If you do this than these things will happen, if you do something else then there's a different end. but.......you can make a good end out of any decision you make. It's up to you and your attitude.

And what's the hurry.......can this wait til the one daughter begins college? It may make more sense then? I think part of your problem is during the decision making progress itself. Once you decide what to do you'll go full steam ahead because you'll be able to start making plans. You are in limbo until you say yay or nay.

brue

[25yearsmlc]

Was2, BND, LL, Brun and all,

thank you all for the input. I am confused and conflicted obviously. I am also lonely and since H is 3000 miles away and OM is here, it does get harder to imagine continuing this "part time" M or whatever it is or will be....

I have much to consider and appreciate all that you wrote and will give it a lot of thought. I am not sure Was2 of your opinion or were you throwing out different questions for me to ponder? I believe that doing the morally correct thing is what leads us to happiness eventually, at least I know that I'd feel guilty if I did something I knew to be wrong and then later saw that it hurt others...and guilt puts a damper on my happiness....I just don't know God's will in this...for me. I think for H it's that he offers to return and we take it from there....

Gotta back off all the questions as you say W2, it doesn't have to be decided by noon on Wednesday and fyi all of you, there is NO WAY I am moving d17 anywhere her senior year. No matter what I do later, for the next 6 months we are here with her, supporting and encouraging her as she finishes her last laps of school with us...God I will miss her so much next fall. Pending sense of loss no matter what....damn.....

D17, for the record, has not once wallowed in self pity, nor has she once wavered in her support of me and her little sister d9. Her unrelenting patience and good humor with d9 make me want to cry....she's one of those old souls you meet now and then, but she is my daughter.... My God what a gift....and then at those moments, like right now, I realize with sorrow and pity, what H is missing and may not ever truly know....maybe not even truly know d17 as he missed much of her first 7 years, and now her last 2....tragic and costly regardless....

God help me if I ever hurt my kids like that. Guys, thanks again, you have given me a LOT to think and pray about. I just THANK you so much,
j-

[Was2sad]

j

Now you have me wondering if I had a point or just prompts.

I think mostly it was prompts since I was not sure what position your heart was telling you to take. I know you have no interest in the cold state. I know you enjoy your life with your kids in Ca. You should, where ever you are.

If you stay very still and hear Him tell you life with your H will be rewarding where ever you go, then maybe you will know. If you are told to continue to be still, then that is the thing to do. If you are told you should not be asked to follow without choice to a place you do not choose, then you will have a very hard decision to make.

What I would like to see happen is for your H to learn to be very still. I wonder what he would hear? I wonder what he would say if the two of you were discussing that inner voice over the phone for a few months? I wonder what he would say if you began to share some of your little prayers with him, or asked him to start joining you in one before hanging up? I am fishing without any bait so I may not catch a big one here.

I would consider a small one a great baby step.

take care

[25yearsmlc]

God W2,

your post brought tears to my eyes....what idiot woman let you get away? then again, the fact is that I'm a better woman/wife for all this "stuff" and might not have ever really gotten here, without it... (So maybe you were a big jerk before and that way this is ALLL gooood).

Seriously, praying is all I can do and I believe I will get more info on that job (if it seems as if I could really make more of a difference there, that'd be a sign to me)....and I will ask H to pray about it. When he is here, I will ask him to do it with me. Lately he has been receptive to me when I stay calm...

Are you happier now in your life W2? What do you wish had happened?
Do you know? just wondering,
j-

[25yearsmlc]

w2,

I know your w may not come back and that her absence is what you expect to continue...but how are YOU, when you are able to see yourself apart from the pain of her departure? And are your sons any better, vis a vis their mother?

I do know what you mean about other relationships taking on more significance...and what a good thing that is. Guess what I'm asking is where are you on the road of recovery? And thanks again for all you've written.
j-

[Was2sad]

Guys are quiet. They don't talk, just grunt. I don't always know what the boys mean when they grunt. They are 'bout grown now and busy trying to find a perfect woman. I miss them. I look forward to every little grunt, like it will be the last.

I am doing ok. I am looking in the mirror and asking "where were you when I needed you? Why didn't you make me a better more attentative H when she needed it the most?"

But make no mistake. I also ask "could this ever have been avoided? Why wasn't she willing to go to MC and fight for the M as hard as I wanted?"

I hear the answer "this was what was chosen for you. it is your test of faith in Him. it is to make you a better person" ... and I pray I am every day. I practice listening. I practice being still and content. I am not in the tough situation you are in. I am not faced with having to decide move my world, or not. I am blessed in many ways. I think we all are, if only we can put our life in perspective.

If we can only understand a small part of His plan, and do our best to do our part, what a life we will have. You will. You already do. Do not focus on the yet unknown, yet undecided, yet written. Focus on what you have, already enjoyed, and may yet reap. Do not limit your potential. Do not limit your happiness. Be very still if you want to live this moment. It is all we have, at this moment. What will come next is not for us to decide. We will be guided.

[25yearsmlc]

W2,

I wanted to ask what your profession is, assuming you are some sort of pastor or healer, etc. But then I thought "No, don't ask...what if W2 is a professional wrestler, or worse, a plaintiff's attorney?" SO, use your judgement W2, if you think I can handle the truth...You are so good with the words...and when I think of my "brilliant" strategies about making my H "better" by witholding affirmation, not wanting him to take me for granted, etc. blah blah blah, I shake my head and hope it'll be as funny someday as it is frustrating now... I think if we are actually to improve/grow from all this ....stuff, we do a lot of looking in the mirror.

thank you, you are making a difference in my life--so you know.
j-