Letting it go is as conscious of a decision as deciding to love someone again. You face your fear, accept without condemning, whatever happened was horrible and sad, but then there comes a time when you look at it and you forgive it, and you shut the door on it. One will never be able to totally forget it but you can choose to forgive it and if comes up to assault your mind again you will remind yourself that the bad choices your H made were forgiven.
With time and with will you can focus your mind into more positive things and not the the A overshadow every thing.
See my thread under piecing called "the little black book" when I thought I' could never forget about finding out about my H's A and all the details I learned, there are awesome posts there.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thank you so much Cat. I've read a lot of that post now, and it's making sense to me. It clarifies a lot of things my H has said, that most of this I'm going to have to work out on my own. When he said that, it sounded so cold. But I can see that it's just plain fact. He can never do enough to heal me. I have to do it on my own with God's help. I have to get over myself, because the A never was about me.
I am feeling hopeful tonight. Circumstances remain mostly the same (we are still separated), but I'm learning that focusing on the positives and choosing my thoughts helps me immensly. True progress comes the same way a child grows--day by day, almost imperceptably. There are many positives, and I feel certain that I am on the right track.
H spent most of the day with us. There is no indication that he has any interest in attending church, but he came over this morning and helped me get the children ready to go (that never happened when he was living here). He is acting as if everything is normal--being playful and teasing.
D5 keeps asking him if he'll stay with us tonight. He says no.
I'm happy to see baby steps in your case, keep up the good work, keep being a good friend and keep your expectations low.
My H told me out right "I can't console you" when it came to the A, they are just not ready. I don't know if you read this post from toughlover , but it just got to me because I still at times bring up the A to my self and make my self suffer and expect stuff from H that he just can't give me right now:
Quote: That's why I think it's so necessary to let go of the past. Because of our history with our spouses we have all the expectations for reassurance, etc. But the WAS can't give that cause they don't have it. THEY BAILED ON US! Right or wrong, they may not have much to give anymore, but if they're WILLING to build something new, if we're willing to let go of the past once it's been sufficiently dealt with, then it's all about that. GH rightly points out that in the end, assuming our WAS are willing to recommit 100% and do their part, it's going to be our game to lose. We either just get over it or we don't.
There's a great scene from the movie "The Mission" with Robert DeNiro and Jeremy Irons where Irons is a Jesuit missionary in South America in the 1800s(?) and Robert DeNiro is a slave trader. Irons is there to educate and convert the natives and DeNiro is there to round them up and ship them out.
DeNiro ends up being converted himself and taking vows. As penance for all the crimes he committed against the natives, they bind up all his armor and weapons in a sack and tie it to his waist, then make him climb a really steep rock mountain with all that weighing him down. It is, of course, an outward symbol of his repentance. He struggles toward the top and when he's finally there and can't seem to get any farther, when it almost seems like the bag of armor is going to make him fall to his death, a native draws his knife and cuts the rope binding the armor to DeNiro's waist.
That's forgiveness. Sooner or later that's what we have to do for our WAS who are repentant and willing to climb back up the mountain with us. And the interesting thing is that by releasing them we're really releasing ourselves, too. In the end, that's what love really is.
So far in my life, this is really the hardest thing I've ever had to do because I had to really change who I'd become, just like our WAS have to. Who I am is partially what got me in this mess, and it's so much easier not to change, just walk away, which I now understand is why so many people do just that only to find themselves in a similar mess later on down the road.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
When I was in high school, I was invited to participate in a leadership training day-camp up in the mountains. It’s funny that nearly a decade-and-a-half later I specifically remember this day in great detail, but something happened at that camp that will forever burn in my memory.
There were the usual team-building activities—an obstacle course, the trust fall, etc. At this camp there was a 20-ft climbing wall up to a platform on a large tree, with a rappelling cable on the other side. About 5-7 feet from the top of this wall was a trick step. Rather than angling up for a sure foothold, this step angled down and away from the wall. It was explained to us that if one tried to place a foot on this step without throwing one’s full weight behind it, that foot would slip off the step. But if one put one’s entire weight into that step it would hold and enable us to climb the remainder of the wall. It was impossible to climb to the top without using the “faith” step.
I stood at the bottom of that wall and watched my classmates climb. Each paused when it came time to use that step. I cheered for them, “You can do it!” I pictured myself climbing the wall and taking that step. I could do it!
When it was my turn, I headed on up. Unfortunately, I am not blessed with a lot of upper-body strength, and heights are definitely not within my comfort zone. When I reached the “faith” step, I froze. I tried to talk myself into lunging over to it. I failed. After several excruciating minutes, I was unceremoniously hauled the remainder of the way up that wall by the leaders above. Of course I was embarrassed, but more than that, the significance of letting my fear prevent me from taking that step has been with me ever since.
Over the last several weeks, I have been regarding the task of letting go of the past with the same trepidation I felt on that wall. But somehow, it doesn’t feel that way anymore. I get it. He’ll come home when he’s ready. He does love me and our kids. He’s giving everything he can. He needs me to calm down, forget myself and be his friend. As counter-intuitive as that seemed before, it makes perfect sense now. All that matters is putting my full weight into the future. Our future.
Last night, H acted distant, and only stayed with us long enough to eat supper and watch a show on TV. It was a busy time for me—getting the kids ready for bed and taking care of a few other tasks, though I did lie down next to him on the couch for a little while. He left, and called a few hours later. In my attempt to become a better listener, and create a safe place for him, I asked him if he was okay, that he’d seemed preoccupied tonight. He agreed, and started talking about issues at work, the long list of things that need to be done NOW. He talked for almost an hour, and I felt really good about the conversation. No R stuff, and no opening up about his feelings, but an opening nonetheless.
H is an emotionally closed personality. He doesn’t worry about the past or the future, just tries to get through today. Most often when I ask what he’s thinking/feeling, the answer is, “Nothing. Really. I don’t think about anything.” In one of our more heated discussions, he said, “How do I explain something that I’m not thinking? How do I describe something that I’m not feeling? How do I tell if I don’t feel? How?”
Part of my fear of letting go of the past has been that he will distract himself with his busy-ness and push every emotion regarding his infidelity and our M away and never really resolve anything—just “forget” it and pretend it never happened. From what I’ve gathered, his A’s just “happened” (dang those selfish, horny OW and his lack of integrity), and they surprised him. If he doesn’t ever acknowledge his feelings and share/work them out, how will we get past this?
My gut tells me this is all territory I need to leave alone for awhile. The thing that worries me is that he won’t work it out, that there will never be a good time to address it because he just doesn’t want to (he seems perfectly happy to be living away from us). I know that we’ll never have the intimacy I crave without complete honesty, and maybe he doesn’t want that kind of connection.
This is my fear to conquer. If he wasn’t committed to our R, he would have been long gone by now.
Tonight H had some work to do at a machine shop I've never been to before. After I took the kids to get a few things we needed at the store, I decided to run over and let them say goodnight to him.
When we got there, he just came out, and when I asked if I could see what he was working on, he said no--nothing really to see yet--and acted in a hurry to get me out of there. As he turned to walk back in, he said, ILY.
I don't really think anything bad is going on, but it seemed funny that he didn't want me to go in. I can't help but be a bit suspicious of the ILY, because he said it SEVERAL TIMES A DAY during his A's.
Tonight just feels empty. He's around, but he's not here. I still have these moments that hit me between the eyes: this is real. All of it, it's not just a bad dream.
I can see D5 trying to interact with her daddy in the same ways I have in the past...ways that don't work. I've got to figure this out before I completely mess her up. Before I completely mess everything up.
I'm doing my best to keep my mouth shut about our R, while trying to be open to him, "just in case" he has an alien pop out of his stomach to share his real feelings. I mean, you never know. GAH.
An amazing friend helped me through today’s emotional breakdown. I am learning, bit by bit, but wow, this process is TOUGH. She helped me get a fresh take on ways I can constructively 180, and I feel so much better. She left me with a new mantra: Easy, Breezy, Beautiful. I'll keep it.
