Thanks Michele for the books and to all of YOU out there ... I have not posted before, but I really want everyone to know that I appreciate all of the advice you have given to others.
I am at a loss of what step to take next... but being unavailable seems to be the next course of action... MLC... big time... I try not to talk too much when he gets home from work, and I stopped asking about his day... then he usually tells me something... but he has stopped complaining so much about work (hates his job)
I did have a phone consult with Arnold, and the Monday after that is when my H took off his ring..but I did try one of Arnold's suggestions, and there was no reaction... and when we had OR talk (initiated by him) about removing the ring, I asked if what I did bothered him... and he said "no" so, like everything I try... no reaction...
In taking off his wedding ring... he said I didn't seem to believe he was serious about a D, and in taking off the ring I'd have to believe him.... well, I believed him, I was just acting as if everything was going to be ok... but in not being depressed, and instead continuing to be upbeat and "happy" (yeah, right... he doesn't see me during the day!) I guess I was supposed to go back to being the way I was before I read DR, and be that clingy, crying, depressed person (9 months of that garbage of NOT being myself) And with an epiphany... the lights go on! I am back to my old self... that isn't good enough either. Is he jealous that I have the will power to change over night? Jealous that I found my old self, and he still is in La la land? Oh, and it seems like things have only gotten worse since I did the 180 back to myself... which is not necessarily a bad thing, it's good for me, and much more pleasant for him to come home to. We are still in the same house...,different bed rooms; he is hoping to get a new job, and he agreed to make one change at a time, but I am beginning to doubt that he will follow through with making one change at a time... and if the job is out of state.. he wiil leave...which may be the very best thing for him, oh, and maybe me...too. It seems that the more I distance myself, the further away he pulls, too... the more I say, "have a good time" the more he goes out...but he doesn't go out that much... I was gone over the weekend, and he pretty much stayed home and watched movies, and he had the perfect opportunity to go out "on the town"... I'd have never known. I am hoping that my husband is so confused (heck, I know he is) with my DB'ing..and along with the MLC, he doesn't know how to react... so he pulls away even more... I don't know any more what he is thinking... "ET phone home"... I did tell him about DR and the MLC chapter, and I know that there is a lot of debate about whether or not this is a good idea. But the night he gave me the D letter, I lost all perspective... but started DBing again the next day, and have not stopped. Oh, we have been together almost 30 years. kids are grown and gone... We were one of those couples whose marriages worked.. we got along so well... until recently, but even now, we seem to be getting on fine and he agrees we are... I guess I don't "need" any advice, but your support and continued postings to all of us... and encouragement... it is all greatly appreciated. TC
[ November 07, 2001: Message edited by: tiredcheerleader ]
I just wrote a VERY long post on the MLC site, and guess what... I lost it when I it "add new topic" This is the 3rd time this has happened... any ideas? TC
Well I read the DR book - a lot to take in there, but I'm getting there. I thought about my attitudes in the R prior separation, and thought I was perhaps too distant. So I've started being more available.
WAW told me two things, firstly that she was desperate to have another baby (I wasn't as she nearly died first time), and secondly that I manipulated our lives to my advantage all the time.
She still likes to go out to lunch with me alone, and spend time with D and I. Unyet she is full speed ahead in moving house (to a worse property by far) and unwilling to even look back. Her fear is that this will happen again in the future, by not having that future then it wont.
SO my question is - my approach has changed, she's happy with her situation with no change in her AT ALL. Just likes me being around, perhaps only for D. Any idea of how I can make short term goals when the WAS is so resilient and defensive?
Hi, I've been posting here for over a year. I read DB and now the Divorce Remedy Book.
Both books have given me hope and pushed me away from divorce. I have made lots of changes and these have seen positive effects for the family. I have three children: 15, 12 and 8. I have always worked full time and had jobs that pay benefits etc. H was out of work three years, now works flexible hours and gets children to school.
We've been married 19 years and went to many counselors -- all recommended divorce and didn't seem to know how to fix anything. So without your books, Michelle, I wouldn't have known that divorce wouldn't solve our problems or that there was something I could do to change the situation.
Last year H had told me he would divorce me. He told me in October and again in December in a counselor's office. We were referred to mediators, we never went. Things are less stessful now because of all the changes I made in communication patterns.
My goal is to have a strong relationship again and be best friends again. I want us to help each other and be able to confide our hopes and fears and dreams.
However, I've not felt safe since the divorce threats started thirteen years ago. H would threaten me with divorce and tell me I was inadequate. I've grown a lot and know I could never put up with that abuse again. I realize now he was projecting his inadequacies to me and blaming all his unhappiness on me. I was also vulnerable and believed his criticisms of me too readily. H isn't able to apologize for his mistakes and cannot connect with people. He has offended my parents so much I'm surprised my Mother's willing to stay here. I have accepted H's shortcomings and realize he cannot be more than he is.
He now goes out Friday nights for four hours and Saturday nights from 6-7 pm to 1-2 am. He goes to Qi Gong and says he has to sustain his energy. The philosophy is to increase his goodness. So it may help him. I have started building a separate life from him since he is gone so much.
I want us to go to Retrouvaille -- but when I suggest this H goes into a rage. He insists he agreed to go after the divorce, I say he agreed to go before he filed the papers.
I want us to start having time alone and as a family. I want us to plan things together -- if I suggest a plan, he tries to ruin it. If I ask him to plan something, he won't. I need less chaos. He needs to feel out of control and in pain and has to blame his unhappiness on me.
I want us to be able to talk about feelings, but can't because he'll say I am the couse of his troubles and he wants a divorce.
I'm not sure exactly where to start. My wife moved out a two months ago and she filed for a divorce two days later. I went straight to the Last Resort Technique. I am not sure if it is working. I see signs but then we continue to proceed down the divorce trail.
I am trying to be loving and not be overenthusiastic.
I am trying to be vague. But I usually tell her after the event was over how much fun my daughter and I were having.
I don’t say “I Love You.” I don’t try to hug or kiss her.
I try to leave after an event. Sometimes I talk the STBX and daughter into staying a little longer.
I don’t talk about the future. Especially since she filed for divorce and we are going through the motions.
I don’t talk about our marriage. I kind of slipped once in a while on small topics.
I try to have a PMA
I have only tried to invite her once or twice to events I know she wants to attend. Also, I am trying not to inquire about her events. I usually say, “Have a good time”
I am reconnecting with old friends and getting out of the house.
I am not sure exactly how to proceed on the LRT. Or is this the only technique I should be using? She says she left me because I am controlling. I could never get a clear definition of what is controlling. I have posted several incidents on the board and they do not appear controlling to the DB public. But as someone pointed out their opinion does not matter; it’s the wife’s opinion that matters.
The LRT is difficult because we have a young child. Sometimes, our daughter is at mom's and sometimes at dads. We allow each other a nightly phone call to the parent that does not have her.
Here are some of the events that have happened in the last few weeks. 1) We already had a Halloween costume for our daughter. I asked are we going to trick or treat together this year? She says yes. The STBX asks if she can show up the night before to show me the correct way to put on the costume for our daughter’s school party the next morning. On Halloween night she shows up and we have a great time. She tells me she had a good time.
2) Monsters, Inc. came out this weekend. She called me three times to ask if we all could go. I was unsure on how to proceed because on page 130 it says, "Accept some invitations to spend time together, but not all." So I was a little hesitant in responding with a Yes. She tells me "I would like to go see Monsters with both of you. I am available Sunday after 1pm. Just give me a call when you have a schedule." We did go on Sunday. She showed up a little early and purchased movie tickets for the family. I purchased the food and drinks. After the event we went to dinner. We mention to each other that we had a good time the next day. She tells me I looked handsome on Sunday.
3) Some subjects she appears to be angry or annoyed. For example, I called last night to talk to our daughter. My daughter was a little cranky and my STBX said she would call back in a few minutes. She didn't. I called back 2 hours later and she said, "What do you want?" in a mean tone. I guess my daughter was still cranky.
4) She tells me once in a while she still loves me. She tries to hug me once in a while or touch my hand or shoulder.
How do you do the Last Resort Technique when you have a child that both of you are trying to take care? I am trying to do everything on page 130. It appears if I let her control the shots she and act as if I don’t care then is more responsive to me. When I try to be vague she becomes angry. But on the other hand, she does not want to give me any information about her life and that's o.k. with me.
How do you LRT when you are proceeding through a divorce and you need to communicate about property and other things?
Lastly is the Last Resort Technique the only thing I should be doing now?
Dear DD, You are doing everything right- by the book. Keep doing it. It sounds as if she is reaching out to you sometimes and you are responding well. As far as your question about how to act regarding divorce proceedings, you just have to continue on your DB path in the hopes that she will get cold feet about the divore before its too late. If you address your marital issues now,I do think it will backfire. I understand how hard this must be, but for now, it's the safest thing to do.
In regards to her anger when you are vague- this could be good or bad. If she is annoyed, but is very interested in your whereabouts, this might be good. If she is annoyed at your vagueness and pulls away, it's bad. So you have to decide which it is. Anger in and of itself isn't necessarily bad. Also, her anger may be the result of the the manner in which you are vague, not just the fact that you are vague. So think about it. Is there something about the way you respond when she asks you questions that irritates her?
Thanks for your feedback! I have found the more information I offer and the nicer I am she responds well. Maybe she will have second thoughts about the divorce.
Have you ever thought about a DB dating service? All of these people willing to do what ever they need to work on a relationship. I figure if all of us are married to each other, then the 50% divorce figure would drop to 20% maybe?
Steve, The fact that your w likes being around you is good, even if it's because of your d. Don't worry if she is resistant right now, set your short term goals as described in the book and keep moving forward. Obviously, there is no way to guarantee things will go as you hope, but you really have nothing to lose. So start setting your goals now! Michele
Neely, I am really glad that my books have given you hope. However, I want them to give you more than hope- I want them to help you construct a plan. You need to go through the 7 steps and really think through what you need to do next. Start by identifying your goals. Make sure they're realistic given your h's frame of mind right now. Write them down and decide whether what you're doing is bringing you closer to your goals or pushing you further away.
