I'm a little bit uncertain if I'm doing the LRT right, or if there's something else I can / should do. My story is posted in the "I NEED SUPPORT" forum and they are titled, "Looking for help / advice!!!" and "Looking for help / advice!!! (Part 2)".
Briefly, September 2001 H told me he didn't love me anymore. November 2001 (1 week after coming home from 2 week business trip) he told me he needed to leave for awhile, so he went to stay with a friend or his Mom. The 2nd week of December, H told me that he wanted to do an "official trial separation", (something he spoke of with our counsellor), because the "dating" and counselling we had been trying wasn't working for him, (wasn't getting the feelings / spark back). So, our contact reduced even more. The last I saw him was December 21. After that I didn't see or hear from him until I sent him a business like e-mail around 10Jan (also sent him an e-card for his b-day). I then followed up this week because he never got back to me. We then had a 20 minute phone conversation that seemed to go well. I was supposed to hear from him by today sometime so that we could set up a time to meet and go over bills and stuff. I haven't heard from him.
So, I've been doing the LRT, but alot of it has been imposed by him because he doesn't contact me.
What can / should I do by way of contact? Am I doing the LRT right by not calling him, (eventhough it was basically imposed by him?) He seemed happy / relieved when I called him Wednesday. By me not calling him, he wasn't contacting me...does that mean it wasn't working and I should try something new??
I don't know for sure where he's staying, I don't know where he was over the holidays, (and he has asked that we don't talk about it). How should I proceed with the LRT? Is this the right step for me?
OK, he called. He acted a little nicer to me today...he said he was on his way back into town and asked if we could talk sometime tomorrow. He said if I had plans he would work around them. I said that I did have plans, but it wouldn't be a problem because they weren't going to take all day anyway. He asked me to call him when I got home and he'd come over.<p>He didn't say anything about 'working out bills' or anything like that...he said 'so we could talk for a little bit'.<p>I was polite and upbeat - I asked him how his class went and he said 'good' (again, he was upbeat) and I said 'I don't think I even knew what the class was for' and he told me a little bit about it.<p>He asked about some mail he thought he might have received and I said I wasn't sure what he had received specifically. He asked if I would mind if he stopped at the apartment today to pick up his mail and I said, 'No, that would be fine.'<p>I hope his demeanor today sticks with him tomorrow when we talk. It was actually easier talking with him today because he seemed a little more like himself.<p>Of course, I'm a nervous wreck that I'm going to handle the conversation wrong tomorrow. Any suggestions?
Hello Michelle:<p>I have an update to my situation, if you're interested and have some advice.<p>My thread is on "I Need Support" and it's called 'I don't want to lose my husband (Part II)'.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/09/1512:45 PM. Reason: 2 posts combined
My thread is posted on the mid-life crisis board.I wanted to tell you how fate may have dropped the "Divorce Remedy" right into my life at exactly the right moment. My airline captain husband of 24 years suddenly announced he was leaving me, about a month before Christmas. This was a previoulsy kind wonderful supportive lovng man-who always put my happiness above his own. I attempted to kill myself when he left me, and should have died according to the Dr's in the E.R. I swallowed alot of pills, but not enough! The next few weeks were just an unbelievable nightmare, where I did everything wrong!!! In mid-January I flew out west to visit a friend for a few days, and to go see the mountains. In the calgary airport as I was heading to the gate to catch my flight back to Toronto, my little suitcase on wheels knocked over a nice display of books. WHen I bent down to pick them up, I read the title, "The Divorce Remedy"and knew I better buy that book immediately. I read it completely by the time my four hour flight was over, and i began implemementing the last resort right away. It seems to be working, and i know it is the only chance i have of saving my marriage.Luckily there is no other woman involved, but i feel i need to get my husband back before he does get interested in someone else. How much backing off is too much?
Wow Michele!!! How do you keep up with all this? You truely are a wonderful woman and I have much respect for you. I wonder if you could help me with this one? My thread is Cant do this Anymore on NC. Big problem now is business. I cant get out because H cant buy me out. The B is in dire straights. My H is determined to save it. I realise that we would lose everything we have if we sold or I forced settlement now so would like to also work it. Trouble is, I am finding it so hard to detach whilst working with him everyday, I am scared when OW returns from east she will come in office etc. The reason I wanted settlement was to be able to move on. My H said, "you are making everything so final!" This is just after he told me he wanted to explore R with OW and not work on our M! My thoughts are: 1. Work together to save business, perhaps in doing this H might realise that I am not so bad to have around and want to work on us one day. 2. Let him have his time with OW (not much else I can do anyway) and maybe he will see grass not as green. 3. If we are to work to save business that H does not allow OW to come near office. I couldnt stand that, it would kill me! How do I do this and DB effectively? H is coming around tomorrow to talk about our options with business and how we can do it. I fear he is going to ask me to not work there and trust it all to him, his track record doesnt give me much faith. It (business) is so part of us and our plans together am wondering if it is something worth holding on to and working together on? When I look at it, the people who have been telling me to just get out, are divorced people who have not managed successful relationships and who just think I am wasting my time. Am getting so much conflicting advice from family and friends, work associates etc. I am scared and battle weary, and all the other stuff. My brain just doesnt want to work properly atm.
Hi Michele I want to thank you for the books that you have written. I have read them over and over. I have a post on midlife crisis. My husband and I have been separated for 14 months. He has not filed for divorce, but constantly says he won'y come home because it won't work between us. He says he will always love me. He doesn't call or come by anymore. I usually call him every 5-7 days to see that he is okay. I really wish you could give me some of your great wisdom or insight as to what I am supose to do or expect from him. We have been married 28 years. Our sons are married. I really feel as if he waiting on me to file for a divorce. I think he could leave things the way they are for the rest of our lives. Please send me advice. Pam
Michele; My wife is having an EA and says she wants to work on our marriage but does not seem to want to end the A. I've been trying to follow your suggestions for when he/she does not want to end the affair, including the "Last Resort". One problem, though, is that I cannot bring myself to stop saying "I love you" or having sex (which she's wanted more now that before), and really, I think in many ways we've both begun to change the many problems our marriage had. Any suggestions for a "modified" or "hybrid" Last Resort? / or other way(s) of dealing with her not wanting to end the affair?
Hello Michelle I want to thank you for your support for all of us out there that ar struggling to save their marriages. I'm new to Divorce BustingI have both of your books, I've finished DR, & reading DB. But I'm having a tough time with LRT. My H told me in Sept. that he was having an A with a friend & co-worker of ours (she left a few months before this all happened). Anyway he has tried twice to stop the A, but can't. He still is at home with me, sees her at night after work. And it is tearing me apart. I told him he if he needs to see her go, because he needs to figure this out & I woudl be there for him. But I am so tired of feeling like I'm the door mat. He can go see her, come home, be with the kids and I'm so sad. How do I get out of this funk!
LF
Hello, I'm sorry to bother you with this ridiculous question, but here is goes. There was a thread under the name "went straiht to LTR"-Hangin On & Kacey, here at Divorce Remedy Book Club and I'm wondering how I find it again since its been replaced this you question board. Which is fantastic. Thanks
Yes, Why me, I know exactly what you are talking about. This friendship and easy going communication with a spouse who decided to get out of M. I am struggling with it a great deal, and sometimes am completely lost. This good, friendly relationship is a MUST for any positive comeback. However, I've learned not to conclude too many positive conclusions based on improved communication. In my humble opinion, spouse's friendly approach to us during these difficult times doesn't necessarily reflects any change in their hearts. This is how I feel in my case. Despite a significant improvement in how W and I communicate, we are miles away each from other, emotionally. I feel a lot of love, and I sense almost none from her, other than that friendly attitude. I hope I am do not sound negative, but I just want to share with you my view. Please, be strong.
Michelle, I have read DB but have not began DR yet. I need some advice, My h and I have been separated for 3 months. There is no anger between the two of us we get along fine. As hard as I am trying he keeps saying he just thinks of me as a friend and maybe that's all we've ever been. I know the latter to be untrue! I don't push him whatsoever, and I never bring up OR. He asked me the other day how I was doing and I told him I was okay but I missed him and still loved him. It seems that others on the board go from not hearing from their spose or from the WAS being awful to them to being friends. What do I do? We never hit rock bottom in that sense. He says their isn't anyone else and hasn't been looking, but if things continue as they are, he will. What to do? He seems to be satisfied as friends only. We have been married for 8 years with 3 kids under the age of 7.
Wow, I feel like I am looking in the mirror! I would like to hear from someone who has been in our shoes and is seeing improvements. I need something to hope for!
When h and I were still together and before I began changing myself, I had a no care attitude. I rejected my husband , I had a lot of anger towards him, I told myself many times that when our kids were older; I was going to leave. I thought about life with someone else, wondered what it would be like, etc. I never dated anyone else and began to question my marriage. I realized later that I truly love my husband and that he and I were not a mistake to be together and began changing my attitude. Now we are separated, I guess my changes weren't quick enough. So my question is, If I am to stop pursuing my h (which I have done months ago) how can I put my 180 into practice? For me a 180 would be to show that I do care, give him compliments, be more physical with him, show him more respect and understanding. How can I do those things, wouldn't that be pursuing him or pushing him? What can I do? We are friends, but I want to move from that (forward of course).
Last edited by Cadet; 07/09/1512:32 PM. Reason: 3 posts combined
Michele, I made a mistake the first time I typed this and it is posted as a new topic, rather than under this heading. Please bear with me, if you've already read it once. I will try to be brief, but also give you enough info to try and help. My question first - I'm wondering if using the DB tecniques can reach someone who has a sexual addiction and is trying to run away from his problems?? Here is my situation - married 11 yrs (been tog for 13). Our r starteed as an A (not something I'm proud of) at the end of his first m. Have two sons - 5 & 7. We moved across country so he could get the job of a lifetime. We are both 46. After the move he started expressing thoughts I know now are typical of a MLC. I made the usual mistakes of pleading, etc.. thinking he wanted to feel needed. He left last Nov. - wanted time to think. I confronted him about whether he was having an affair and the answer was yes (now know the real reason for leaving). I've since discovered and have read both DB and DR and have backed off, for the past several months. He regularly visits he kids and I've ried to have the PMA and have kept busy with my activities. He is going to c and is on antidep to tx his clinical depression, which seems to be working now. It seems like he is popping his head out of his hole periodically and is testing the waters, gets a positive response from me and then he goes under again. I am feeling stuck. He and I have talked about if I tell him he is needed or if I act like I can handle verything that either approach seems to make him run. SO.....right now...again I feel stuck and that the circumstances are overwhelming with the odds not in my favor. There seems to be so many layers to the situation - MLC, clin dep, ?? of sexual addiction and now an A that has lasted about 10 mo ("because we can have fun and a r should always be fun/he admits he is scared to be by himself). I think he has some degree of s addiction because during the course of all of this he admitted to having affairs of varying lengths throughout his first m and ours - in addition i think he views porn on the internet. What a mess. I think I'm at the point of needing to try he LRT, but don't really want to lose him for a variety of reasons. any suggestions would be most appreciated.....thanks in advance. Reed
