kcee, Here's the obvious advice, no more articles, no more OR's. But you know that already. You say wish you luck? I do, but you'll also need determination and self-control. Okay? Michele
User, It's hard to predict if your spouse is going to realize that the grass isn't greener. I wish I had that sort of crystal ball. Only time will tell. Keep following the 7-steps in the mean time and focus on yourself. You'll know eventually how things will turn out. I know this is difficult. It's hard enough to follow through with your plan especially since no one is guaranteed the outcome for which they're hoping. Hang in there. Michele
jtolic, Everything in your post sounds very positive- the fact that he wanted to be with you and the things he said in counseling. However, I am gravely concerned that you have a counselor who is giving you deadline about deciding on your commitment to your marriage. NO COUNSELOR HAS THE RIGHT TO DO THAT. IT'S NOT YOUR COUNSELOR'S BUSINESS TO BE TELLING PEOPLE THEY HAVE DEADLINES TO MAKE THE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION OF THEIR LIVES. Please either confront your counselor when your spouse isn't present (or there will be a potential backlast) or go to someone else. I, of course would opt for the latter, but I know this might be complicated.
Aside from that, keep up the great work. Be kind, loving, responsive and don't participate in OR talks. Michele
Graced, The method of doing a 180 is the overriding method regardless of the kinds of problems you're experiencing. In short, If what you're doing isn't working, you've got to make a switch. Most people experiencing the MLC problem are pursuing at first, so the LRT would be a 180. However, if your primary response has been backing off and you've gotten no reaction, then, true to the do a 180 method, time to switch gears.
Without knowing more, it's hard to advise, but re-read the section on doing a 180 and devise a plan.
Although the book is geared to couples living together, the same principles apply to couples who have separated. Naturally, there are more challenges because when you change, it's difficult for your partner to notice these changes if s/he is not home. However, you have to become more creative in getting your message across about the "new you." Besides that, all the methods apply to both situations. If you or other readers who are separated have specific questions about the application of the methods in Divorce Remedy to their unique situations, feel free to ask. Michele
DB, My heart goes out to you and no, you are not being selfish at all. All of us are worried and concerned. You have family in the military. You have reason to be scared and desire comfort especially from the father of your children. It makes perfect sense to me that you reached out in that way. It's so sad that your ex didn't see your contacting him as an opportunity to share your pain. But I do think that sgctxok is right about her take on things. He's trained to be stoic.
I'm glad to hear that you have others to help you through this challenging times. Allow them to comfort you as much as possible. I also agree with your plan to back off for the time being. Take one step at a time.
And one more thing, although this is the place for me to respond, input from others who are reading or who have read The Divorce Remedy is always completely welcomed. Okay? Michele
Thank you, Michelle. The best thing for me right now is for everyone to support our military, so my sons,the children and spouses of others, feel the country is behind them, which will help give them the courage and fortitude to do what needs to be done.
Thanks for the reply. To add more information. I was totally blind-sided by h in Jan., he had never even mentioned that he was unhappy, I felt uneasy, knew something wasn't quite right. He confessed to the affair, we went to counselor (who told him he wasn't depressed...)twice, I continued going, he didn't. He met the ow on a hunting trip out of town, she has since moved to a town 30 mi. away and I believe he spends most nights with her, but he has not introduced her to kids or community. He is avoiding conflict at all costs, he runs from friends and his sons because they have confronted him.
In the beginning I tried to convince him to stay for the sake of our kids and because we had invested 30 years together and they were great years.(imho) When I discovered that he bore no resemblence to the man I knew and the things coming out of his mouth made no sense, I wrote a "love must be tough" letter. I wrote several letters that looking back were great dbing tactics. I see him running away from conflict, from the responsiblity of family. I have always been the nurturer so I thought the 180 was to stop pursuing. For me to go dark was a big change, but I see no results. Should I just sit back and watch the MLC progress?
I've read your books and they've been great. I'm going into my 11 month of separation. My H is in deep MLC. The one thing that is very confusing to me is the fact that after all these months, he hasn't talked about anything regarding where we are.
I know that I'm not supposed to bring up OR or discussions about the situation, but how long is this feasible. My therapist tells me I have to talk to him and ask him some questions about his feelings after almost a year of separation. I am very confused. I want to sit him down and discuss but I don't want to damage the little I've accomplished. Any suggestions?
Mary, You say you don't want to damage the little progress you've made. Tell me, what progress have you made since this thing started? Then I'll be better able to advise whether no OR talks is the way to go or not. You always have to look at the results do know whether what you're doing is working or not. Sometimes things work so slowly, the progress is almost imperceptible. That doesn't mean you're not making headway. So, let's take a closer look here before you do anything. Michele
