Joe, I've been thinking about you and wanted to just mention something after our brief phone chat this morning (D10's team lost the game, btw).
We send cues to our kids about how they are to be around us and our Xs by the way WE are around our Xs. If we are uncomfortable, the kids will be uncomfortable. If we appear calm, cool and collected, then the kids will be, too.
If you are easy about seeing them off to school when XW picks them up, then they will be, too. If you are comfortable calling them when they're with you, then they will be comfortable, too. If you can say hi and be civil to XW, they can relax. I bet you would relax. And she would relax.
When we get stuck in "It shouldn't BE this way!" then we resist living the way that it IS. It IS this. It IS divorce. It IS shared custody. It IS the way your life is going to be for at least 11 years, until S7 is 18.
We don't have to say that it was the right thing to have happened... only that it's the state of play and we have to accept it.
I think it's in DB, but someone has to go first...to help the others be comfortable... and that someone may have to be you. But the net result will be a happier family. And a happier Joe.
Thank you for the cyber hug. It was a very difficult day, as I'm sure you know.
Michele,
Thank you, too, for your kindness. As I mentioned this morning, I'll see more of D11's reaction (and the boys' reactions) when the kids get home.
Sorry about the soccer game. I heard the weather report as I crossed the river and was wondering if they'd play at all.
Quote: I think it's in DB, but someone has to go first...to help the others be comfortable... and that someone may have to be you. But the net result will be a happier family. And a happier Joe.
It's in the "Why do I have to be the one to change?" section, isn't it? I suppose it's because I'm the one who wants change to happen. I wanted change in 2002 when I got us into MC. I wanted change in 2004 when I first logged on here. I got a lot of change since then, too.
Hmmmm. Wasn't there a school of British philosophy in the last half of the twentieth century which held that "you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need?"
You're making a lot of sense, again, friend, and I'm gearing up to try being "more than civil, if less than friendly" toward XW tomorrow. I like the way your pattern played out these past few weeks. I like what that must do for the stress levels you all feel. I want that kind of peace for my family, so let's see what happens.
Update:
Another kitty showed up with a limp for breakfast today. I took him inside (he was quarantined earlier this year after a bite) and went over his leg very carefully. There's no sign of any wound, and his limp is slight. So I'll let him rest inside, away from the others and from anything that might scare him. If he's not doing better early next week, I'll get him a regular appointment. I miss time at work anyway when the kids are home, so I'd be "missing less" by scheduling him then.
I went into work, and it was productive yet frustrating. I have a feeling I'll be spending a lot of time there after the kids leave next week. Our deadline is coming up in about three weeks, and I don't want to be responsible for holding the team back. Some things we needed in July came to us in September, and the folks who worked with them made some changes. Now I need to adapt my previous work to that.
How's that for avoiding jargon?
So the day started all grey. There was some drizzle by the time I got to work, and the weather forecasts online called for rain this afternoon and evening. But I looked up one time and saw a sunny day out the window. The revised forecasts didn't mention rain. The Mets were playing in DC, and I hadn't seen a game since our last family trip to Shea four years ago. Then I got $20 in food vouchers from a woman who couldn't use them before they expire after Sunday's game. So I cut out of work earlier than I originally planned and took myself out to the ballgame.
What a great game! Well, for the Mets and their fans, anyway. Five different Mets hit homers, Tom Glavine scattered three hits over 6 shutout innings, and the final score was 13-0. There were a lot of Mets fans there, and I chatted with some on the subway ride to get back to my car. I had my Guinness (yum!), I took a bunch of pictures (or clicked the button on the camera. We'll have to see how they look when I upload them), I saw my first official game at RFK (I'd been to several exhibitions back when they were used as proof that DC could/would support a team), and I just relaxed like I haven't in a long time.
So that was good.
I noticed the couples at the game. There were some with kids, some married (or wearing rings, anyway), some holding hands. Two couples sat in front of me just after the game started, and the two women sat next to one another. I wondered why? They didn't do a lot of chatting, nor did the guys.
A woman with a small child sat next to me. Her daughter was probably around 4 years old. She (the daughter) kept making up neat stuff by watching the big screen, calling the score by the uniform number of a player, for instance. The woman didn't seem to know much about the game, either, because she asked me after looking at the scoreboard what the score was. Then she and her daughter would cheer and clap each time I did for the next couple innings until she realized that I was cheering for the Mets. I wonder why they were there if neither of them knew enough to follow the game and they didn't go with someone who did.
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Quote: We are able to grieve our losses because we accept them. We have chosen them. Now we move to the next season of our lives.
I took that from today's reading in "Touchstones." Woulda made a great way to introduce this thread, wouldn't it?
October is a beginning time for me. Always has been. I did not choose to break up the family, but I did choose to end the destructive pattern we were in by filing in the summer, 2005.
More later.
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
The kids are home. D11 blamed me for PP's death. She doesn't like her school pictures, but XW has cut out a picture, so I'm not sure I can get the photo package replaced. I'll call tomorrow and see.
Two weeks ago XW sent S7 home in a sleeveless shirt and no shoes. Today she sent him in an undershirt. His homework was in his backpack, incomplete.
He was not a very happy camper. He yelled that I should "go marry somebody else and go away." You ever try to keep a straight face and listen to an upset child when you're laughing on the inside? Apparently when I marry someone else, then I'll go live somewhere else and become his step Dad. Hmm, what strange ideas. He went on to tell me that I should "just die" since "everyone hates you. It's easier at Mom's house because everyone hates you there." It turns out that everyone hates me because I revoke trampoline privileges for certain infractions, like name-calling, hitting, etc.
Well, I did listen and things settled down by the time he took his shower. After that we read from his library book. Once he was in bed, I had a chat with D11. I told her all about the events of Friday morning, and I think she feels better knowing that PP was not in pain.
S14 seems to have the easiest time moving back and forth. I hope he's come to terms with the anger he felt when XW left.
Back to accepting the loss I chose. One point of the meditation was that when we choose healthy behaviors, we necessarily give up the unhealthy ones, and the "relief" they provided from the real work we needed to do. Now I have no one here to ask for help. (I almost wrote "to cover my back" but in truth, XW didn't anyway.) I need to make the home the kids will have here as best I can. I don't regret divorcing her. I'd be in better shape if I'd changed the locks, emptied the accounts, and filed the day she left, but I don't regret continuing to try to "save" the M. I don't know how I'd live with myself if I hadn't kept trying as long as I did. I wasn't a model DBer by any means, but I know in my heart that I kept trying, going back to 2002, until I had nothing left to give.
I feel once again that the best possible R with her is the one with the least possible contact. Let her do her thing, so long as no one hurts the children, and keep her out of my life as much as possible. In "The Sociopath Next Door" Dr. Stout recommends avoiding persons without conscience. I expect that like any other XYZ Disorder, that's on a continuum, too, but I do feel that XW is close enough to the far end that distance is the best approach.
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Quote: She doesn't like her school pictures, but XW has cut out a picture, so I'm not sure I can get the photo package replaced. I'll call tomorrow and see.
Don't send them back! Who cares if D doesn't like the pictures - they'll be priceless when she's grown.
K, were the pictures horribly expensive? If not, I would just check to see if she can have pictures at retakes and see if she likes them better. Retakes were not something schools did during my growing up years and I look at some of my pictures and cringe BUT when I look at that face I see way more of my kids and grandkids than I ever thought I would.
DIL yesterday was saying how much she had wanted a little girl who looked like her....instead she said she has a little girl who looks like me. It was not said in an unkind way by any means and I did laugh and agree with her that I seem to have VERY dominant genes but I am sure K will look like her, too, and she does have beautiful blue eyes like her mom.
I think it is just very hard for the baby of the family and young boys. My D and her SO have tons of problems with his youngest who is turning 8 on 10/7. He gets in trouble in school, he spews hateful things, and both D and her SO get very upset with this. When he is at his mom's, his older brother who is 14 does all the laundry for the kids, cooks, and makes sure they get their homework done. Mom just doesn't have time? Daughter's SO pays a considerable amount in child support and pays for a nanny in addition so I'm not sure why there is no time. But, the kids are pretty much neglected there, to hear it from the kids and from the nanny so I'm guessing a lot of it is correct information. SO also has cut back his scheduled work to only working weekends in the ER so he can take kids to school in the morning, pick kids up, and provide transportation for ALL the kids extracurricular. I'm not sure why he pays a nanny and then does all of this but I think it has to do with him feeling guilt that a parent is not more involved with the kids. Their agreement (his W wanted the D) was that he would give her 100% physical custody (her request) and up his hours worked so he could pay her extra child support. The extra child support is still being paid. But, I lost sight of my point here, S7 is having a horrible time. He says he hates it at D and SO because there are parental controls on the TV, structured dinner time, structured homework time, etc., but I think the two ends of the spectrum, structure to none at all, are just too much to handle. I don't think I could handle it, yet the courts expect it from the children.
K, keep up all the good things you do for your kids. I know it is so hard now but when they are grown they WILL appreciate you and hopefully will let you know they appreciated always knowing you love them.
Sounds like a rough transition. Kids of D have it tough, don't they. Yet, the beauty of your sitch is that after a day or so of transition, they still have several days to enjoy with you.
You seem to be burning the candle at both ends. Are you doing anything fun or for self-care during their weeks away?
BTW, spoke to Kev. He may not be able to make it in Nov. How about you?
Joe, I've been thinking about your last post, how the kids were acting when they got to your house and then heard something on the radio about this.....
"legal strategy called Parental Alienation..."
I don't want to kick up a pile of worms, but is she TRYING to alienate the kids? If so, does she realize that it usually backfires and the courts usually side with the parent being conspired AGAINST? Her name is Lisa MacElroy. She's a guest on Satellite Sisters today.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
I think this Parental Alienation thing is very scary. I just read the webpage Barb recommended (btw, I LOVE the Satellite Sisters!) -- I think this is another way some folks can continue in a victim role. For instance, if a WA is deeply unconscious and his fantasy of what life would be like when he is finally free of that shrew of a wife isn't turning out the way he planned, he could read normal unhappiness on the part of his children about the D as "Parental Alienation."
In my case, my XH could allege Parental Alienation because the kids don't want to go to his house where there are no other children, no TV, nothing to do, and they are not cared for. The fact that XH CHOSE to live 45 miles away would not even enter his mind. The fact that he left his wife for another woman and his kids have feelings about that would not play into the scenario. Rather, he would latch onto Parental Alienation as a way to excuse his own behavior and lay more blame on me. There is no way he'd take blame himself.
It's really hard to parent thru a D. It's really hard to parent thru a spouse's MLC. The offending parent is sketchy, unreliable, a will 'o the wisp. This affects kids. And I also think we LBS parents make some mistakes in parenting. Often this comes when we hear that our X does This as a parent so we take the 180 position and do That. He takes them to Disney Land? We take them to the county fair. He buys them whatever they want at Best Buy? We make them scrub toilets.
We are just as much in the wrong as the LBS. We should parent the way WE want to parent, regardless of how the X is parenting. To parent in the affirmative, rather than in reaction to someone else's choices.
As I said to you before, Joe, we set the tone. When we choose to act in ways we can be proud of, we'll always be right. When we act in a certain way with our kids to make a point to our former spouse, we are acting from fear rather than love. We are using our kids, and that is unforgivable.
I wonder why they were there if neither of them knew enough to follow the game and they didn't go with someone who did.