Mel...I'm sorry. I wasn't laughing at you. I was laughing with you and at myself. I REALLY do see me doing something like that. For example, once when D was about 13 she was having a hissy fit about something and I just couldn't take anymore. I reached in my dish and scooped out chocolate pudding and started a food fight with her than ended up with her covered in chocolate pudding and me in stitches on the floor laughing. Of course, I got to clean up the kitchen then, which didn't have me laughing all that much. But, sometimes, you just have to cut loose.
Joe, I don't think four days to embark on and complete a trip to Alaska would give you anything but exhaustion. Perhaps I'll check out the Irish music and send you a t-shirt.
Nov 6th to Nov 10th it is! Book it, baby!! Kev, Wes, 11/6-11/10.
Seriously, if that works for you, know you're always welcome. That tends to be a great time of year - post-hurricane gorgeous fall (we don't really have seasons down here, tho).
Joe, I remember your early days here, and I know that your road was at least twice as steep as mine. Despite that, you've ended up with a parenting stance and a level of grace that I can only hope to achieve some day. I still struggle with the issue of resentment, but find the 24hr rule still works - e.g., not talking or communicating to XW until I calm down. Your spirituality and faith in God has been an amazing resource to you thru all this, and I hope that it continues to be so.
I imagine that there's a lesson to be learned regarding the ongoing need for humility, nonjudgmentalism (a word? ), and unconditional love for our kids.
Quote: I took a deep breath and asked myself, "Who do I want to be?"
I thought of those very words when I went to the HS open house on Monday. Sure enough, I ran into XW. She had a copy of S14's schedule for me, which was nice, because I'd had no time to make a copy. I thanked her and said, "I want to see S7 on Wednesday." (That's when he became S7) She just said, "OK."
Sure enough, they were at the end of the driveway on Wednesday morning and I saw him there!
Quote: I don't like him. I don't respect him. But I can walk with him.
I thought of these words, too. Well, a variation of them.
After the interaction with XW in the auditorium, I went out to find a map of the school. Instead of distributing maps, they had Navy Junior ROTC students stationed around the school to give directions, but I saw someone who was going to get one, so I asked for one. I thought they'd come back with a stack and I could ask for a second one to give XW, but they came back with two, for me and the first person who'd asked.
So when I ran into XW again, I showed her which floors each classroom was for our simulated "S14's day at school." I didn't sit with her in the auditorium. I don't like her, I don't respect her, and I don't have to sit near her.
Quote: The party sounds great.
It was great. I'm looking forward to this year's Halloween party. We'll have lots of new people to meet and scare!
Barb,
Quote: I know you want your son to appreciate you, I know you want him to think you've got it all together, but heck, at 14 (?) maybe he can start being in charge of his own laundry.
He can, that's for sure. What got me was that by the time he mentioned it, there was no way anyone could have washed and dried them in time. I had other laundry running, too. So that means he's heading to his mother's house with dirty clothes. I don't want to give her any ammunition to use against me.
I do wish I had done better in talking to him about it, but as my T pointed out last night, he has a lot of denial. His mother left without even telling him goodbye, he knows that I originally filed on the adultery charge, etc. He's got to try real hard to find reasons to admire her, 'cause she's still his mother, so these days she can do no wrong in his eyes.
There might be a little of that "I can't afford to upset her or she'll reject/abandon me again" along with "Dad won't abandon me no matter how much of a rat I am" going on, too.
And strike that "not pretty" remark from the record!
Kev,
Quote: I can empathize with your feelings of bitterness and anger. I still have them as well. Just remember you're human and that you will replace the feelings with agape if you continue to ask Him to lift you up.
Thanks, man. I do need to keep my focus on me, and keep praying. It's not fun when I'm trying to pray in the morning and feeling so much bitterness, anger, etc. at the woman parked in front of my house!
It occurred to me that, if I were "D but not done," this would be the perfect sitch to have interactions with her and try to continue DBing the M. It also occurred to me that she and her mother likely planned most of this for more than a year, going back to her mother's visit a year before moving in, when she still claimed she wouldn't move in. That was when XW and XMIL somehow failed to sign the van over into our names instead of XMIL's. So it was technically not marital property at the D.
As my T said, the apple didn't fall far from the tree.
Friend Betsey,
Quote: I'm here to tell you that it's a process and occasionally I fall off too. I just haven't posted much about those episodes
I guess I post about this stuff as a way to vent, and to see what I can get from others who've been down (or are going down) the same kind of path. My "ordinary" life is too ordinary to post. I suppose the week-on/week-off stuff will seem ordinary at some point. I really dislike having XW and XMIL parked at my house each day for the kids' bus schedules. That will probably never seem ordinary.
Quote: The most unfortunate part of this falling-off-the-wagon experience is that other people tend to be the recipients of my anxiety.
Exactly what I did to S14 last Sunday evening.
I can't help wishing that XW had made good on her threat to be "gone with a note on the table and they (the kids) won't know where I am." I suppose it's better for them that she didn't, but that's almost too close to call. I know I'd feel better if she weren't around my home so much.
Quote: I doubt you'd want her back now even if she agreed to be faithful. That's your truth now, Joe.
What would that agreement mean? She was unfaithful before OM-0. She was unfaithful after OM-1's wife confronted her here, in front of D11. She was in MC lying about money she took from the HELOC.
Betsey, I don't believe I could trust her in anything ever again. I forced myself to trust her before, ignoring, supressing even, my own knowledge of the truth. Fidelity is not in her.
Quote: Trust. Believe. Have faith. And don't forget to breathe before you sip that Guinness.
Good advice, all! Though I"m working through a German Oktoberfest now. I'll be sure to have my Guinness here in time for the Celtic New Year, though.
M,
Quote: Joe, as someone who has been away for a bit, I have to take note of how much growth you've continued to exhibit. You still have every right to feel anger and hurt, so naturally there are going to be times when this comes through.
Thank you. I don't have the perspective on my own sitch, even when I go back and look at old posts/journal entries, etc.
I have a right to my feelings, but I don't want to express them in a way that can hurt S14's. He's in denial for a reason. At this stage in his life, he needs it. But while he's like this, any "bloopers" on my part just add to his adopted anger at me.
And I tell the kids I love them every day. They blow it off, too "baby-ish" maybe, but I still tell them.
Glenda,
Quote: I couldn't tell what I needed to wash and what I had already washed.
That's D12 since she was D7 or D8. I have a ton of stuff to give to her cousin now. She has so much clothes, and I've seen stuff that was still folded come back in her hamper the next week too often.
I don't want the kids washing loads of three items at a time, though, (not good for the septic field) and complaining that they're not going to wash anyone else's clothes.
Gabe,
Quote: Nov 6th to Nov 10th it is!
I talked to Kev tonight. Are you supplying the couches? I really want to use my voucher to get all $300 worth, so I'd buy a ticket to FL.
Quote: Joe, I remember your early days here, and I know that your road was at least twice as steep as mine.
Oh, I don't know about that. The RO crap you endured, and XW's backstabbing at work now are things beyond what I had. Let's just say we both had some tough times dealing with our respective XWs.
Quote: Despite that, you've ended up with a parenting stance and a level of grace that I can only hope to achieve some day. I still struggle with the issue of resentment, but find the 24hr rule still works - e.g., not talking or communicating to XW until I calm down. Your spirituality and faith in God has been an amazing resource to you thru all this, and I hope that it continues to be so.
You still can't have my last beer! Seriously, thank you very much. MC remarked once that she thought my faith had been a strong support in my life. I've always felt that the kids who were betrayed by clergy really got the worst abuse, because in addition to the abuse itself, the thing that has helped me most was stolen from them.
I lost my patience (back to your words, Kev!) with myself, with S14, and with XW/the sitch itself on Sunday night. The 24 hour rule will serve me well, I'm sure, when I can keep it in mind.
Gosh, it's too late for an update now. I had a very busy week, with not enough billable time at work, but some way cool stuff happening at home. No, not that way cool (Get your mind out of the gutter! ), just some good meetings at schools and in regard to the house.
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
I wrote about the open house night on Monday night at S14's school in my last post. One more interesting part of that evening was the silent auction. There were baskets on tables all around the school lobby for two groups doing silent auction fundraisers. Most of the stuff was geared toward women, with skin care products and salon certificates, etc. But there was one with a mountain cabin rental for two nights, a gas card, and some other stuff. I bid on that.
When I came back to check on it, XW was standing in front of it. I wondered if she was planning to bid against me, but she didn't. Someone did, and I think they were a school employee, 'cause they listed the school instead of a phone number for their contact info.
Over the course of the evening I bid again, and so did they. I bid one last time, at the highest I was willing to go. Each time I went by to check, XW was standing in front of it.
Just before the next to last "class" in our simulated school day, the auctions closed. I got my cabin rental. I went to that class (S14's math class), and XW was already there. When that one finished up, I spent some time talking to the teacher. S14 has a lot of math ability, with standardized scores in the eighties for several years now, but he insists he can't do math.
Then I went over to the last class. Where, just as at D11's school the previous week, there was no XW.
Tuesday the schools were closed for the primary elections, so there was no XW parked in front of my house that morning. I got a call from D11 during the day, though.
D11 - "Dad, how do you make a web page?" Joe - "A D11, you made one. Remember? It's still online on the Internet. Your 'Don't smoke' page." D - "I know, but I want to work on one now." J - "OK, but this isn't something I can explain to you over the phone. At least not while I'm at work." D - "You're at work?" J - "Yep. Just because the schools are closed in MD doesn't mean I get the day off work." "I can go over this with you when you come home. Just remind me on Sunday night. I don't even know what's on your mother's computer to suggest how you would work."
Later I found a web page that teaches HTML for kids, and I texted it to her phone.
Wednesday morning. S7's birthday! I would have gone into work early that day, but instead I met S7 when XW pulled up in the morning. I wished him a Happy Birthday, and XW said, "He's grumpy." I figured I'd let S7 tell me how he felt, so I kept talking to him, and I sang "Happy Birthday" (with the "cha-cha-cha"). He seemed to enjoy it, and to enjoy pretending he didn't enjoy. Not that I sing well enough for him to enjoy that, but he did enjoy the attention.
I asked D11 if she'd gotten the text message. She said she had, but she had moved on to other things by then, so I guess we'll be doing some html this week. D11 was sitting in the back seat of XW's truck, doing homework. She'd been off school on Tuesday, and here she was on Wednesday morning, doing homework in the last few minutes before her bus was due. I started to help her (she asked me about abstract nouns), and XW started in on her. "D11, is that your breakfast? Why didn't you eat it?" The question in my mind was "Why is she taking breakfast and homework in the truck with her, especially when she had a whole day to get the homework done?"
Anyway, we finished up her English homework. I don't know what else might have been incomplete. I got a letter from the school on Thursday informing me that she was supposed to have brought back some work signed by a parent earlier in the week. Since she didn't, she got a zero for it.
Ya know, I don't have another adult living in my home who can help with meals, etc. in the evenings. Yet the kids get their homework done, and I go through their folders to sign and return the things the schools send home. The kids have a dinner every night, and a breakfast every morning. What can be so important that they can't get those basics when they're not home?
Never mind. I'm just venting again. But this woman can't make the meetings at school, or can't stay for the whole thing when she does, doesn't get the kids to do their homework or eat breakfast, doesn't reimburse me half the costs for school supplies or medical/dental bills, doesn't pay her portion of the outstanding tax liablity from the last joint filing, parks in front of my house in the morning instead of paying for child care (and her child care costs were a factor in the CS calculations). What exactly did she want when she tore up this family? What does she think she's getting now?
Wednesday night I saw my T. It was the first session in a few weeks. It's a better time on Wednesdays than my old Friday slot was, too.
Thursday I got a call from S14's math teacher. He'd been late to class twice, and a third time would mean automatic detention. It turned out to be because his history teacher held class in the library, so he had a long way to go back to his locker and up to the third floor at the opposite end of the building. He's going to work it out with the teachers to avoid getting pinned with that third "late."
Thursday night was the first meeting at D11's school for the PTSA. Once again I didn't make up any time at work, but I did get to the meeting just a few minutes after it started. You'll never guess who didn't attend! (Insert sarcastic smiley here.)
Leading us to today, Friday the 15th. Estimated taxes day, so I can remember how tight money is until I get her tax bill paid. But the big thing about today is the dance at D11's school tonight. Her first dance.
She went with a friend who's a year older than her. They had been classmates back in the school D11 just completed. Her friend paid for her admission, started walking toward the stairs to the gym, saw the chaperone at the top of the steps, and turned back to tell D11, "Your Dad's here!"
It was raining so the kids' shoes were wet. The stairs are metal, and one of the other chaperones suggested we tell the kids not to run. So I had gone to the top of the stairs to warn them as they came in. Somehow I became the "running police." At least it was a dance, and not something dangerous like an art class with scissors.
By the end of the night, I wasn't sure I could bend my leg again. I spent the night on the landing of a stairwell, telling kids, "Stop running," "I appreciate your concern for safety," and so on. Some of them kept coming past to pretend they were running in slow motion, or to tell me, "I'm walking!" or whatever. I knew a dozen or more of them from teaching religious ed these last few years, so I could speak to some of them by name. Maybe next time I'll rent a tux, seeing as I didn't for the D hearing. D11 only came by me twice, and the first time she acted like I wasn't serious when I told her to stop running. I was, and I'm hoarse now.
So my little girl is going to the school dances now, where she'll likely meet some guy. I'll have to insist he fills out the application and passes the background check and clearance.
It's funny. I used to play a certain song by Clannad when I was putting baby D11 to bed, and "dance" with her to it. Last year she heard the CD again, and told me how much she likes that song. I told her about playing it for her as a baby. I imagine we can dance to it at her wedding reception. My darling is growing up!
Anyway, that's the stuff at schools. S14 had a brush with "the law" but is taking responsibility to solve the problem. D11 is in some bit of trouble, probably over disorganization, but I can help her make a schedule that works for her and then adapt it to life at XW's house. S7 had a great party and will get good word of mouth to support his invitations to the Halloween party.
As for the house, the best news is the Japanese maple tree. Years ago I mentioned to XW that I thought it would be nice to put a deciduous tree in the front yard outside our bedroom. It would block the afternoon summer sun, give us a view in the spring and the fall, and not block what little sun there is in the winter. I showed her how I imagined it in the yard. I expected (dirty word, that) she would have some ideas and discuss them with me.
I came home one day to find a new tree in the front yard. It was on the edge of the yard, just about a foot from the driveway. By now it's about 15 feet tall, and in the summer it shades one corner of the garage. Some of its branches hang in the driveway now, too, so we have to walk around it to use the car.
I told the kids I was thinking of cutting it down. They didn't seem happy about that. D11 seemed to be bothered the most. But when the remnants of Hurricane E came through here a couple weeks ago, they soaked the ground so much that the tree started tipping over. I called a local nursery about that, and they told me that I could probably transplant it, if I wait for it to go dormant. No guarantees that it'll be ok, but I know it won't be ok if I move it with the chain saw!
So maybe D11 and her brothers can keep the tree that (I think) reminds them of their mother, and I can get the summer shade, etc. that I wanted all along.
At S14's open house, I was seated in the auditorium near some neighbors. I didn't know them very well (they're at the front of the subdivision and I'm at the back), but when we started talking I recognized the H as D11's social studies teacher. Anyway, when I told them which house is mine, they told me that it has the largest floor plan of any house in the subdivision. I didn't bother to tell them about the addition.
In real terms, I guess I have the "white elephant," since I've always heard that it's not a good idea to buy the biggest or the smallest house in a neighborhood. But in "this is where we live no matter what its market value" terms, I guess it's nice to think we do have a lot of room. Until I try cleaning!
So, tomorrow is my last chance to make up some time before the kids come home. I do have some work I can do, so I'm going in for a few hours. I'd like to get to the point where I don't go to work on Saturdays and holidays just because the kids aren't home that day. Once I get out from under the old tax bill I'm going to make a point to take that time off. I won't make full-time hours, but I don't do that now anyway, even with working on holidays, etc. If Labor Day had been during XW's week, I'd probably have worked then and could take tomorrow off. And if wishes wuz fishes we'd all ride for free, according to Ben Grimm.
There, now you're all caught up.
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Quote: But this woman can't make the meetings at school, or can't stay for the whole thing when she does, doesn't get the kids to do their homework or eat breakfast, doesn't reimburse me half the costs for school supplies or medical/dental bills, doesn't pay her portion of the outstanding tax liablity from the last joint filing, parks in front of my house in the morning instead of paying for child care (and her child care costs were a factor in the CS calculations). What exactly did she want when she tore up this family? What does she think she's getting now?
Joe, I know this will shock you... but I'm reading a book [pause for effect]...
Anyway, it's a book I picked up after getting an email (thanks, H2H for forwarding the initial email to me) -- it's called "The Passion Test" and I thought it might be useful in my work. Part of it has been. Part of it is hyperbole.
But, nevertheless. One of the most useful things was this phrase:
Quote: Your results always match your true intentions.
I copied that one down on an index card and have it propped on my monitor. Makes a lot of sense, huh?
If your underlying belief is that you are corrupted, not good enough, and a poor excuse for a human being, your results will mirror that. Even if you mask your underlying beliefs with bravado, or disdain for others or whatever, your results will reflect how you really feel.
This is why we self-sabotage. This is why, as a client revealed to me this week, we are less than adequate parents -- because deep inside we fear that we are inadequate. And we make it so.
I am completely putting myself in another person's shoes here (which could fairly be called "projecting"), but what if you were a person who had very weak internal governance. You couldn't stop yourself from doing something harmful, like over-indulging, having sex, or shopping. And you hated yourself for your weakness -- you should be better than that! -- but you couldn't stop. You might get to the point where stuff seemed pointless. You're inherently irresponsible, so why bother with being responsible? Why do anything other than reinforce the idea that you are a failure?
Because deep down you know you are, always have been, and always will be a failure. There's nothing you can do to change it.
My friend, that is one sad way to live a life.
Not your choice, not my choice, but some people's choice -- that's my guess.
Michele - you have a way of ferreting out some of the most intriguing food for thought.
I remember having a dream during the time I was pretty ill with the ruptured appendix/abscess, in or around the time I was readmitted to the hospital due to very high temp, infection, etc. It seemed linked to my abandonment issues and not very realistic and I would hate to think it was my intent. I dreamt that now XH walked in to hospital and proclaimed that children were grown and he understood why people I loved left me. I was not worth the time and trouble and he was leaving. I could keep the dogs.
Now, that isn't exactly what happened but close enough I would hate to think all of this mess was the result of my intentions. Some type of mix up in cosmic ordering?
Of course, I always get around to assuming that all things "wrong" are somehow my fault and I am unworthy of the things I want.
When I finish 80/20, which I finally found again, I think I'll add The Passion Test to my reading list. I think I've made some huge progress in the last year but I'm definitely a work in progress with a long way to go.
Quote: Joe, I know this will shock you... but I'm reading a book [pause for effect]...
If the desired effect was a smile, you got it. my friend!
Quote: Your results always match your true intentions.
I like that idea. It speaks to reponsibility, to owning one's own power, and it has a sense of karma to it, too. Thank you for posting it.
Glenda,
Quote: I would hate to think all of this mess was the result of my intentions.
By "all of this" I presume you mean the D? Looking back, I see your stated intentions to fix your finances, your housing, etc. all coming together according to your efforts. As for the D, remember that XH has/had intentions, too.
Update:
A mildly interesting day. I posted late last night, did some reading, and slept just as long as I could this morning. Well, I had to go out during the night to referee a cat fight, so I figured I deserved to sleep in.
Two of the cats were growling at each other, and at one point it sounded like a human baby's cry. I think that's what woke me up enough to get out of bed. Once I realized what the sound was, I still wanted to go out there and nip trouble in the bud. I don't need any more quarantined pets or animal surgery bills!
I found a reference to Light A Million Candles on another site this morning. It's not a pretty truth, but there are a lot of kids getting hurt.
I did work today, less than I had planned, but probably to better result than what I had planned. A tool I developed is getting increasingly complex due to fluctuating user requirements, and I was just in the right frame of mind to start simplifying (or "refactoring" as we call it on resumes ) it this afternoon. I like the way it's headed now, and I feel a lot better about my ability to keep up with future changes.
Back on the laundry front, KMart had towels, etc. on sale this week. I'd gotten tired of the kids using beach towels and stashing them in their rooms wet for me to find. So I got a bath towel/hand towel/washcloth set for each of us. It took two trips, starting Wednesday night at the local KMart and finishing up tonight on my way home. Gotta buy the right colors or the kids will meltdown!
Tonight I finished washing and drying more than a dozen beach towels, and stashed them for next summer. I'll tell the kids that I'll wash their towels once midweek and once when they're not home, so it'll be up to them to stop stuffing them wet into hampers.
The mail today brought me a not so lovely surprise. My business insurance for my self employment nearly doubled! I need to do some investigation on that quick because it's due in less than two weeks.
I haven't heard back from USAir about the details of using my voucher. It'd be nice if I have a year to buy the ticket and another year to take the trip. Maybe I could set my sights on Ireland in the spring.
Now I'm going to open one of my Oktoberfests and read something. Maybe even something besides a self help/self improvement book, though Michele's got me thinking about buying yet another one.
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Yeah, I was supposed to be reading by now, but I found this online at Take Our Word For It:
Quote: Forgive was, in Old English, forgiefan 'give, grant, forgive' (from for- 'completely' and -giefan 'give'). Interestingly, this word is a calque (a word translated into one language from another language), having come from Latin perdonare 'forgive, pardon' (clearly the source of the Spanish and French forms). The Latin word was a compound formed from per- `thoroughly' and donare 'give.' The translation from Latin occurred in prehistoric Germanic times, the Proto-Germanic form being *fergeban.
It has nothing to do with excusing lies, infidelity, abuse, drug use, hiding/stealing money. Instead, we can give them the life they chose, with its consequences, and give completely.
OK, now I'll stop bothering you nice people.
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
), and unconditional love for our kids. 
I really want to use my voucher to get all $300 worth, so I'd buy a ticket to FL.
