I love autumn!

[koshka]

Friend Betsey,

I have complete confidence in the choices you will make tonight. It's a wonderful thing that you realize you don't need to play into the role she's cast for you.

Thanks for the vote of confidence. It went so-so, as we never said a word to one another, and XW didn't stay for the whole thing.

Whatever she takes away from them when they're done is going to help her during tryouts.

These clinics are the tryouts. She has this week left to make a good impression. There will be 12 girls on the team, from thirty trying out. Some of them are returning from last year's team.

D11's biggest advantage is her desire to do the best for the team. She learned a little about that in drama camp this year, when she was cast as one of the Munchkins after asking for Dorothy.

The coach went to great lengths to explain to me that nothing is decided yet, but I do see that the odds are stacked against her on this one. On the other hand, I took her to an audition for a musical on Friday, and I don't think her schedule will allow for both. So we'll see what happens.

But what they really want from the younger girls is to see them try (and I mean TRY) to execute and to not get flustered when they ask them to make changes. So equally important (if not more so), they're looking for girls who can be team players, take criticism for constructive reasons and not personally (unless it IS personal) and to put 110% into the entire tryout session

I passed that on to her, and told her about D12's success last year so that maybe she'll take it to heart, instead of blowing it off as "Dad talking."

I'll make sure Kevin has a Guinness for you on Saturday. I'm sticking with the Glenfiddich.

Drat! I just got off the phone with him and I forgot to ask if he did. I guess I'll have to enjoy an Oktoberfest here myself instead of living viacariously through Kev's Guinness!


VJ,

I'm finding out that somehow these X's seem to try to get us to lash out...but it's always better to try and not let them get to us. You do great work with that!

Thanks! I struggle to try to stay detached from her crap. I wish it were easier, but I suppose there are things I need to learn from this.

Congrats on your Steelers' win last week. I'm hoping to see the Vikes beat the NFL's Washington, DC franchise tomorrow. That way I'll get to hear something about the Vikes in the local media. This is very much not a sports town, as the rest of the league doesn't exist in the local coverage, so a victory on Monday would make the local sports coverage worth paying some attention.


Barb,

Oh, but it had a very classy ending....

I believe that was my first thread to lock. I've always tried to bail out somewhere in the nineties. Yes, it was a good thread that served me well, and thank you for keeping Gabe honest. You're more than welcome to the beer!


So, for any and all still with me, it's update time:

D11 and I went to the school for the open house. She saw XW walk past the door while we were in the cafeteria, and she wanted to go get her. I said we should stay where we were and save her a seat. XW didn't come back, though, and the "simulated school day" started, so D11 took me to her home room.

Eventually XW showed up there and sat on the other side of D11 from me, one seat ahead of her. She didn't say anything or even look toward me. I gave my seat (next to D11) to another Mom who showed up after we had started. XW asked D11 to write out the day's schedule on a floor plan of the school. When the bell rang, D11 was out the door like a shot!

I had trouble keeping up with her, and told her when I caught up that I needed her to slow down, since I didn't have the map she had made for XW. At each change of class, D11 was outta there like a bat out of, well, you know. XW trailed behind us, sometimes not even coming into the classroom, but standing in the doorway.

D11's science class was our next to last stop. Her science teacher is a Mets and Vikings fan who attended the same college that my sister did. XW was standing in the doorway there, but she was gone by the time that session was over. She didn't go to the last "class" at all.

Friday evening I canceled my C appointment (which a week earlier I had rescheduled into my custodial week when the storm that took my cable/phone/internet had messed with the power at C's office) so I could take D11 to an audition for a Christmas musical, "The Littlest Angel." I had no idea that it would consume most of the evening.

The parents weren't allowed to watch the kids reading for the parts, so most of them left. I didn't want to make the trip back home to turn around and go back so soon, and there wouldn't be enough time to do any party-prep shopping. I had a book in the car (Nouwen's "Reaching Out"), so I just read while I waited.

They let us in to see the singing. D11 did not do a solo, and I'm afraid that didn't help her chances for the kinds of parts that she wants. I asked her afterwards why she hadn't done a solo. They were asking kids to sing "Amazing Grace," which D11 sings beautifully at home. She said she had been too nervous.

On the other hand, she does have more acting experience than a lot of the kids who were there, so that probably helped in her reading. I'm pretty sure that the woman running the show would have been able to hear D11 as she moved from singer to singer when she was checking out the group singing. We should hear tomorrow.

Friday night I did not sleep well. At first I thought I was just worried about pulling off the party. But when I did finally get to sleep, I dreamed that XW was divorcing me, and trying to be as cruel and callous as she could about it. I'm not entirely sure I was unaware it was a dream. At any rate, I woke up with a lot of bitterness toward her front and center. This birthday party for S6 was the first big "family event" here since the D. S14's party was here, but that was at the very last minute, when he came back home and told me less than a week before. (He had planned to have it at XW's with the big screen tv, but couldn't for some reason. I haven't pestered him as to why not.) D11's birthday was the last day of her camp, and I had told the camp instructors about it, so they had a surprise party for her. I showed up for that to see her, because it was XW's custodial week, and I would not have seen her (D11) otherwise.

But this was planned in advance and executed by me and the kids. S6 never asked if XW would be there, so I did not invite her. Last year, during the S, while XW kept S6 away from me, we invited her to take D11 and her friends to the movies as part of D11's celebration. She initially agreed, then backed out. In October I held the traditional Halloween party, inviting all the classmates of all three kids, and XW. She agreed, and even said what she'd bring. (For a party that size, I ask parents to send/bring a food item to share.) Then she called a couple hours before the party and told S14 that she wouldn't attend. So as long as S6 didn't say anything, I didn't want to set him (or his sibs) up for another disappointment.

I prayed hard Saturday morning. I really didn't want to feel so bitter. I didn't want the day or the party to be about what XW had done to our family. I didn't want it to be about me and my "growth." I wanted it to be about a six year old boy who's turning seven and celebrating that fact with some of his friends.

The day was beautiful. S14 and D11 helped get the place in shape. S14 left to go to a party at his old school where they distributed the year books, but he worked hard before he did. S6 and his friends had a wonderful time. One of his classmates turned out to be a younger sister of one of S14's old classmates back at that same school where S14's party was. All the parents were great, helping me get kids organized, taking a list of who gave what, and so on.

The party wound down and several parents (and S14's former classmate!) expressed interest in this year's Halloween party. My kids went to the trampoline, and I packed my car full of trash and recycling to take to the recycling station. As I drove there, some sprinkles struck my windshield, and as I drove back home, it began to rain. I thought about how sunny and warm it had been at the party, yet comfortable for the parents in the shade. I thought about how blessed I am to be able to offer my kids a party. I felt a whole lot better than I had in the morning.

We went to a restaurant later that evening. On the way to the eatery I thanked the kids for all the work they had done this week preparing for the party. During dinner the kids were joking and laughing with one another. I am so glad that they are together. If nothing else, the custody hearing last year accomplished that much, thank God.

Today, S14 comes to me at a little after five and asks if I can get all his shirts clean and dry before he goes with XW for the week. "Huh? In less than an hour? With something else in the washer right now?" I told him I'd have them ready for him to pick up after school tomorrow (he has a key and his bus drops him off here), but he said he had nothing to wear. I offered him a shirt ("Party like it's 1999" with the guy from "King of the Hill" on his riding tractor) and he got upset. He got even more upset when I started washing his shirts anyway.

Here's where I messed up. I told him I don't want to hear from "that woman" about how I sent him to her with dirty laundry, and that I'm tired of hearing from him "about how perfect she is" so I don't need to hear it from her. He calmed down a bit before she got here, but he was out walking around the yard with her while the younger two were finishing their desserts.

That reminds me. <vent>I really don't like her arriving early and taking herself for a stroll around my property.</vent>

Later, in a conversation with Kevin, we agreed that Betsey's a great person. Oh, but wait, while true, that's not related to my story about my "process" in coming to terms with the end of my M and my dreams for my nuclear family. No, we agreed that some women simply can't respect any man who would love someone like them. I thought of Classy Alanah's reading where I offered that respect really is a key for men, or at least for this man.

One last interesting note. D11's school has a dance this Friday. It'll be her first dance. We had a discussion about boys during one of her nightly chats this week, and she told me that she asked her mother for advice about "getting" a boyfriend. (I was good. I bit my tongue, but I was good.) She asked XW "because she reads a lot of books about that." Seems to me all she ever had to do was try a little marital fidelity and she wouldn't have to "read a lot of books about that." But that's just me. And here you probably thought I was over the bitterness.

In time, with more prayer.

Thanks,

Joe

[Glenda_aka_kc]

Joe, How perfect for S7's party! It amazes me that you handle this stuff so well. I don't know that I would, which I guess is one good thing about the kids being grown. I do not believe I could portray the grace and poise you do.

Of course, some of that stems from me. I've been dreaming about XH a lot in the last week. August 30 would have been our 26th wedding anniversary but instead was our 1st un-anniversary. I still miss my family...I can discern that much from the dreams...and that family includes XH. I thought I would be bitter. Amazingly enough, I am angry but not bitter. At least at this point in time, if an opportunity arose in which XH offered a forward looking family relationship I would work toward that. I don't think he will...as I have said before that would require a major change in his thinking....he is never wrong and does not make errors in analyzing his life.

I suppose part of it has to do with aloneness. I miss having his company, etc., but I do not see me trusting someone else enough to involve a relationship. I've also lived enough and seen enough of step-parents that it doesn't seem a course I want to travel. So, I'm working on learning to love my aloneness and considering whether or not I will follow through with a blind date at the end of the month. A friend of mine has a life-long guy friend who is divorced and he thinks I need to meet him. My friend also says, don't think of it as a blind date...you are just going to the football game with W and I and I know B will be there. I will probably go just because I need to spend some time talking to people I do not work with and/or people rather than my dogs. And, I guess it couldn't hurt to meet the guy. He's a judge and who knows when a judge friend might come in handy in my life.

Anyway, enough digressing here. Let me know if you really are coming up. I don't know if I will have enough of these projects done to actually have a space here for someone to stay. I'm totally moving at a snail's pace, or I feel like it. But I would see about some time off and definitely go to the Irish music with ya, if you wanted any company. Hard to say if there will be enough snow for riding by then or not.

Keep smiling...it makes people wonder what you are up to -- or at least that is my theory.

Glenda

[koshka]

Glenda,

Joe, How perfect for S7's party! It amazes me that you handle this stuff so well.

Thanks! It doesn't feel like I'm doing it well, especially when I read about some of the successes others are having. But I suppose my turn will come as I get stronger.

I was thinking more about the bitterness, how it really didn't destroy the party and how it did come out in front of S14 over his laundry. All the praying on Saturday helped me act in a way aligned with my beliefs, i.e., in the way I should, but it didn't change what I feel. Sometimes I feel bitter and angry and sad and more. The key, and this is where it gets so tricky, where prayer becomes so important for me, is how I let my feelings out in my actions. Keeping them inside won't work. Letting them run willy-nilly over my Rs (like with S14) won't work. I'm still working on what will work, and prayer helps with that.

I looked at the prices online, and I need to check with the airlines if I can travel on the "must complete travel by date." The kids are with me till the evening of Nov 6, and my "complete travel by date" is Nov 10. That would be a tough schedule for my "vacation."

Thanks,

Joe

[MicheleTW]

Joe, those joint appearances with an X can be vexing... With school starting, it seems like there are more and more opportunities. I had a weird thing on Friday morning. I was playing in a golf tournament on Saturday so I decided to go practice after dropping D10 at school (her school is just a few miles from the golf course). As I walked into the facility, who's parking but XH? (he who said he's not playing much golf seemed to play 3 work days last week, but that's another story).

So, I took a deep breath and asked myself, "Who do I want to be?" Took another deep breath and called, "XH! I just sent you an email about D10's schedule!" And we walked into the club together. He was very nervous and hung about a step and a half behind me. We talked schedule, which, as you know, has been an issue between us. But I kept it upbeat, light and yet managed to express my concerns about what he proposed by email (another story).

My point is that it was an OK interchange. I walked right up to that fear, fully and authentically the person I want to be -- and it worked.

I don't like him. I don't respect him. But I can walk with him.

And that feels good. For me. I don't really give a hoot how it is for him.

The party sounds great. Just FYI, I had a similar scene with S13 over his shirts this morning. Fortunately, there was a suitable one in the dryer -- just slightly wrinkled.
What is it about these boys and their wardrobe???

Your pal,
Michele

[Dmsw4]

Joe, I know this is something I do to myself...I'm thinking about the laundry situation...I judge myself more harshly than those around me do.

When I pack the kids for their time with their dad, I try to think about what H will think of this outfit or will H think I packed too much or not enough or whatever. But I am always harder on myself than I need to be. I know that your XW may not have been happy that the clothes came back dirty, and your son may not have had the shirt he wanted, but I know that I could have a weeks worth of dirty laundry here (and I usually do) but I could still put together SOME sort of outfit for the girls.

If XW is not happy...so what? I realized a few months ago that I don't have to please H any more. He's already gone, why should I care what he thinks anymore? I know you want your son to appreciate you, I know you want him to think you've got it all together, but heck, at 14 (?) maybe he can start being in charge of his own laundry. Next time he gives you an hour notice, show him how to hand wash his favorite shirt, squeeze out the excess moisture in a towel (I like to wrap it in a towel and stomp on it on the floor) then pop it in the dryer. Wash the rest and tell him to throw them in the dryer when he gets home.

I let the martyr in me out every once in a while, and she's not pretty...

[The_Colorado_Bulldog]

Joe,

I did in fact have an Irish beer in your honor. However, I opted for a Smithwick's Irish Red Ale, pronounced Smethicks or Smiddicks depending on the local dialect, instead of the aforementioned Guiness. Smithwick's is brewed in Ireland by Guiness Brewery, however.

I also shared a wee bit of highland nectar with a bonny Scottish lass who is warmly regarded in these parts.

I can empathize with your feelings of bitterness and anger. I still have them as well. Just remember you're human and that you will replace the feelings with agape if you continue to ask Him to lift you up. I think that peace comes and goes, it does for me anyway. The answers will present themselves in time. I think that it's important to remember that Newcomer watchword even now: Patience. The relevance is on the self. Hasn't it always been, though?

Hang in there.

[Underdog]

Aw, shucks, it's nice to feel loved and appreciated. It's even more true when Celtic blood runs through the blood in both of you wonderful men. Yes, we had a great time (despite the rain). Next year, Joe?

But that's just me. And here you probably thought I was over the bitterness.

Okay, friend, see my hand? I'm pulling you back on the wagon. And for your pep talk, I'm here to tell you that it's a process and occasionally I fall off too. I just haven't posted much about those episodes--I seem to have people close by when I do fall off, and it is comforting knowing that they care enough to pull me back out of the muck and into the light.

Consider this weekend as one of those episodes. I'd love to tell you that I'm no longer bitter at all, Joe, but it would be a lie. (At the very least, a gross exaggeration.)

Rather than devote time to correcting how you feel (because I know you're already trying to get back to your center), I'd rather ask you to sort through things. Pay attention to what's going on inside you. Write this stuff down. In your case, the dream triggered more conscious thinking. But what has been happening during your waking hours? Are you feeling fearful about anything? Overworked? Not enough time devoted to self care? Stress in your R with S14 seem particularly heavy right now?

I'm pretty sure you can answer yes to all of them, but the point of this exercise is not to elicit a "yes" answer from you, but to help you navigate your next episode--in addition to doing a post mortem on this one.

I've discovered through trial and error that my bitterness comes out full force when I'm doing a lousy job of self care and I expect those around me to do something about my hectic schedule and lack of willingness to prioritize me. My D12 tells me that she can see this easily, so I've asked her for help when she sees me enter this spiral. (She's got my back. )

When the conditions get ripe, I have a meltdown and yes, I attribute all that ails me to the fact that I'm a single mom without a man around the house. And then I start enumerating all the ways which Mr. W. contributed to how I feel today. The most unfortunate part of this falling-off-the-wagon experience is that other people tend to be the recipients of my anxiety. So I'm truly trying to build myself some road maps so I can navigate more easily and hopefully prevent falling off again.

If not, I follow Michele's adage and tell myself that I WILL recover and I'll get centered more quickly when I do. I'm human and this stuff happens.

The important thing here is that you try. After all our talks, I doubt you'd want her back now even if she agreed to be faithful. That's your truth now, Joe. Remember that you're paving the way to a more truthful and authentic R with yourself and your kids. Some day, a woman is going to come along who appreciates your willingness to learn from your experiences.

Trust. Believe. Have faith. And don't forget to breathe before you sip that Guinness.

Slainte'! And hugs to you both today.

Betsey

[IAChild]

I'll have a Grant's Perfect Porter , please, as long as we are all being beer snobs!

Joe, as someone who has been away for a bit, I have to take note of how much growth you've continued to exhibit. You still have every right to feel anger and hurt, so naturally there are going to be times when this comes through. With respect to S14, have you considered having an honest conversation with him? Something like this:

S14, I am really sorry, partner. I know what I said to you about your laundry was way out of line ad it hurt you. Sometimes I just still feel angry and hurt about the divorce and what it's done to our family. But I am still your dad (or daddy?), and I love you very much. I promise I will try much harder in the future not to let my hurt spill out on you. Make you a deal -- I won't snap at you if you give me more of a head's up on your laundry. Better yet, I'll teach you how to do your laundry yourself! It's really not that hard...

Anyway, my .02, fwiw. I still think you're SuperDad, so keep up the great work!

Martha

[Glenda_aka_kc]

ROTFLMAO! I am visualizing the stomping on the wet shirt rolled in the towel. Now that would be something I would do....I might not even wrap it in a towel.

But, I am guilty as ever of washing clothes for the kids at the last minute. I did, however, turn over the laundry to each kid by the time they hit high school. They were too picky about everything ... especially considering that every morning was a jumble of trying things on and throwing clothes on the floor that weren't suitable for that day. I couldn't tell what I needed to wash and what I had already washed. So....the job became their's.



Glenda

[Dmsw4]

OK, glad I gave you a moment of amusement....