I am posting a reference to this post in every forum for one reason! DIVORCE BUSTING WORKS!!
My name is David. Some of you, who have been reading and posting in these forums for awhile, know me. If you havenít heard of me or read my story, please read my story in the space provided by Michele in the forum "Davidís Story". I must, however, let you know in advance that I never finished my story. Now, I believe I can begin the second chapter, at least.
My wife and I were separated for eight months, beginning in November, 1998. We lived apart and maintained a friendship, which I promoted and maintained per principles and guidelines I set forth from reading Micheleís books and some books on personal development. My wife told me repeatedly that she held no hopes for our future together other than the maintenance of our friendship. My wife had a life of her own that included a short (four month) relationship with someone else. Through the eight months that we were separated the friendship between my wife and me grew. A new trust in each other developed. I had made some serious changes in my life. I had made major shifts in my priorities. I had read everything I could concerning how women feel, what women want in a relationship and what women find attractive in a man. I read Micheleís "Divorce Busting" over and over. Each time I read "Divorce Busting" I found something that I had missed the prior time.
I also relied heavily upon my own belief mechanism which is, simply, whatever you truly believe in will become your reality. If I could see myself as an unconditional friend to my wife, irrelevant to my own self-serving and egotistical, natural human tendencies, I would truly become able to BE an unconditional friend.
My wife and I began dating again in June, 1999. We fell back in love with each other and she moved back in with me in August, 1999. I wish I could say that we lived happily ever after. I canít.
During the next few months my business began to falter due to a split with my business partner. The duty of support fell upon my wife for a few months. This is NOT the best thing for a new, second chance relationship. In January, just as my business was beginning to thrive again, my wife became disenchanted with our relationship. I can hardly blame her. It seemed that things were heading back to the way that they had become prior to our separating the first time.
I didnít tell her THE REALLY BIG NEWS just yet, but she did find out, over time, that she had come back to a different husband in August, 1999. I had weathered the storm of our separation and there was no way that I was going to let a twist of fate allow for disenchantment to come between us. I continued to work on the business and to employ the simple, unconditional friendship that has always been an ally in my relationship with my wife. During the months of February and March, thanks to the continuing dedication to what I had learned about Divorce Busting during my separation, my wife and I have come, once again, back to where we should be in our marriage.
This was, I believe, a final test of some sort, to show us that our marriage could go through a tough time without going through another separation and, probably, a divorce.
Believe me, it does take two, ultimately, to keep the marriage together. But a single partner in the marriage can make the difference in whether the other partner wishes to remain in the marriage. My wife was able to see me in a different light during tough time in our marriage the second time around. She saw me handle, in a solution focused manner, what fate tossed at me. She was also able to observe me under pressure. After all was said and done, she had witnessed someone that had truly changed.
I am proud to say that my changes have now undergone some very serious testing. I am still in love with my wife, now more than ever. My wife has become aware that we do, truly, have something very special. Due to my wifeís realization, I have become the recipient of a renewed and more tender affection than I could have ever imagined. My wife looks at me with complete and total love in her eyes.
I give a HUGE amount of credit to my wife for staying to observe and not bolting as she did a year ago. I do believe that the trust that was developed during our separation and what I learned in Divorce Busting, allowed her to feel comfortable enough to allow herself to stay and observe. I also owe a huge debt to our solution-oriented therapist whoís positive influence during therapy contributed to my wifeís being able to look at us in a positive manner.
I am posting this so whoever reads it can know that Divorce Busting works. Divorce Busting not only works to get your relationship back or back in order, but it also works to keep your relationship in order. When things get tough, whether you are with your partner or not, remember the methods of Divorce Busting. If you donít remember them all, just pull out the book and read it again. Believe me, you will find some things that you skipped the prior time.
If you are working on making changes in yourself this is great, but also work on keeping the changes you have made permanent changes. You must spend a regular amount of time on keeping the changes you are now making and the changes that have made in the past, a permanent part of you. There will come a time when you will be tested. It is a fact that you are never so judged by others as when you are under pressure. Having made a statement, whether verbally or by your actions, that you have changed, will serve as an invitation for the testing of those changes. Be ready and willing to show anyone, anywhere and anytime that you can stand the test.
Most importantly, I am convinced, you must believe. I can attest, for myself at least, that my beliefs are my reality. Whatever you see yourself to be in your mind and believe, you will become. Period.
No matter where you are in the Divorce Busting process. Whether you just logged on today or have been logging on for a year or more, I am living testimony that:
DIVORCE BUSTING WORKS!!
The changes I have made with the Divorce Busting techniques have been tested, not once, but many times. The Divorce Busting techniques in developing a solution-focused marriage are sound and can definitely stand up to testing.
Whatever you are doing in your own way, using Divorce Busting Techniques........pleaseÖÖ...
Keep at it and donít give up!!
NOTE: If you reply, please go to: "David's Story" forum and reply there.
Thanks for sharing your great success. You are a model to follow. As you have stated, the journey is a continuous one. It is not a destination that we reach, and we can stop working on ourselves and our relationship. To be trully successful, we need to work daily on ourselves and our relationships.
We should never take our spouse or relationship for granted. We should cherish each and everyday that we have together.
Please keep sharing with us, it gives us the energy boost to keep the faith.
david: reading your statement gives me a ray of hope although my h has started the basic legal procedure. i have a dream too but i was not strong enough seven months ago when he left...could not detach, accept what is happening (and i should have...we had been separated for a year four years before)..BUT i am detaching, have read DB and read DB and other books. the dream is far fetched (he has OW and has had them before...trust would be a big thing plus our four children who are all out of the house think i would be nuts to reconcile since they see him as a bad man) but i am still hoping. most people think i am reaching for something that can longer exist. h says he is not coming back ever, he wants out and to move on. can't be more definite than that....BUT maybe like you something will happen that will change. i know i am changing but he does not see that. we talk on the phone occasionally but when i saw him yesterday (he picked me up at the service station and took me to work since my car had to be serviced) for the first time in 8 wks it was difficult for him to see any change in a five minute early morning car ride...one thing i do know, my heart fluttered and i felt like a kid with a crush on a special guy.
your strength is catching. congratulations. working on a marriage 24-7 is the key. my h does not realize that! i would like him to read some of the things i have read. he read frank pittman's 'grow-up'. i don't know if he got it since his only comment after reading it was, 'the guy is against divorce.'
keep sending us people your advice. everything helps.
David, You give me new hope that I too may be able to use the Divorce Busting techniques to bring my wife and I back together someday.
I had a call from my attorney today on my answering machine when I got home from work and i dread to hear what he has to say when I talk to him tomorrow. I can only think the worst in that she is going to finish filing for divorce. I haven't heard anything is so long that i was hoping that she was thinking about it differently. But, she has been holding me at arms lenght for the last month or so and I guess I was just hoping for the best.
I remember your post and try to go back and read them whenever possible. Especially when I am feeling down. I rencently lost my job of 13 years and I know that has placed an enormous strain on her and my relationship. She was always afraid that something like this would happen and I would not be able to support us.
Well, she has been gone 13 months now and I still am not ready to give up. Your recent post gives me renewed strenght to go on.I am currently listening to Michele's tapes on Keeping Love Alive.
Congradulations on your success.
[This message has been edited by Moe (edited 04-04-2000).]
Well, well, well. I've been wondering about you, but never doubting you. I am so happy for both of you. IT's no wonder to my why you are making things work so wonderfully. You both are wonderful! I just completed a chapter in my next book about keeping the changes going in marriages that have been repaired and your story brings what I was writing to life. Being solution-oriented MUST be a way of life if your marriage is to sustain the positive changes. It's odd to say this, David, but for those of us who have been reading about you all along, it's actually a positive that things went downhill for a while because the real test is pulling yourself up again and getting back on track. We all have to do that from time to time. Even in my own marriage, my husband and I are totally committed to each other and love each other completely, but that doesn't mean that things are always smooth. They're not. You have to practice what you know about solution-oriented thinking all the time. You and your wife are a shining example of two people who truly understand what it takes to make a marriage loving. And what a blessing that is. Once you see that you can get your marriage on track again and again, you really begin to have a sense that the two of you can weather any storm together. And in my opinion, there is no greater feeling than knowing you're teammates. So lots of love to you both. Thanks for sharing your highs and your lows. And whatever you do, don't stop.
David, I agree, DBing does work. It has only been 4 months for me, but it is now pretty heaven. The first two months were h---, but I kept doing everything right and now my h and I are back together and it is on it's way to being better then ever.
David Glad to see that things are going well again. I must say, I was really wondering!! David, I must say you were very instrumental in helping me make the changes in my life that needed to be made. THANK YOU SO MUCH. I realize it was up to me to make the changes, but it was you that gave me the courage and inspiration to do it. I simply thought you were amazing and you made yourself so irrestable. That was my goal. Make myself into someone that would be very difficult to walk away from so that she would have reason to second-guess her choice to leave. This also allowed her to do the walking. You also helped me see and watch for the small signs. I hope to join you in the DBer Hall of Fame and succeed in drawing my W back home and WANT to be there. I'm on my way and if I had faith back when there was no reason to have any, then I should be fine now.