I posted this over on Mama's thread in Piecing, thought I'd slap it up here too.
Quote: A-f*ing-men, Mama:
Quote:
It seems so unfair that I have to work so hard to "win" back my H's love when he was the one that betrayed me. I guess I am having a hard time letting go of that betrayal. In a perfect world he would be the one trying to win back MY love.
Perhaps this is why I'm dropping the ball on Piecing. I was so much more together and focused on the 'goal' during the A, of saving my M. In the dead-middle of the crisis, I can rise to the occasion. With years and years of mediocrity and disappointment looming in the future, I am now ready to leave. Nobody wins really. (Except maybe GH - I've quit reading his thread b/c it's become painful to me)
I think I only changed so much, and then I just stopped. "i refuse to move any more until you come over here"-kind of mentality. He feels only conditionally accepted by me, so he's quit moving toward me as well. And here we sit. As miserable as I have ever been as an adult. The worst year of my life - you all can relate.
In other news, I got a flu shot yesterday which promptly made me sicker than hell! Ugh - fever of 102 all day today. Finally broken, but wiped me out. No more flu shots for me, that was awful.
The inlaws are coming tomorrow for D7's ballet recital, ugh. dreading it. (the inlaws, not the recital!) they know something's not right b/c I'm not coming for Thanksgiving next week with H and kids. Hope they'll just leave it alone.
Like Mama, I feel the H is here only for the kids and our financial situation. We've ML only 3 times this YEAR, and sadly that's a banner year for us in the last 5. What kind of marriage is THAT? none, in my opinion. He's a great roommate and friend, but I want a husband. I know he can be one, he just chooses not to be. PLUS. our sitch is different from most here in that H LOST HIS JOB b/c of the A. Either of those separately would be hard enough to deal with, but together it's a hole he cannot emotionally climb out of. And I'm not able to 'support' him like I should b/c, hell, the man hurt me, betrayed me, and our entire life savings is wiped out and we had to do a debt consolidation thing this week to avoid bankruptcy. Of course he's not feeling like some manly stud. This year has been the Fourth Circle of Hell, for God's sake.
I just don't see this being saved, not to the level of a M I want for my life. Sure, I can sit in this M and just turn off my desire for intimacy and passion, and live with this roommate. Puh-leez. That's what I've BEEN doing for years. and then this man goes and has an A. The hell with that. I have the high sex drive and HE goes and has an A, and then comes back and STILL avoids me? Fcuk that. Oh, I riled myself up again. Deep breathing.
I know I'm still doing things wrong. I know I should trust God to turn this around. But sh!t, ya'll. God has left us in this crappy M for years, and the A is just an added twist of the knife to it all. I feel like I'm losing my religion, to quote R.E.M. Why was the best time of my life BEFORE my marriage? I've been married for almost 11 years, and the first 6 months were the best part. That's a LONG time of falling apart. I just don't see it being restored/repaired to something better because our patterns are not changing post-A.
Maybe I'm just post-fever exhausted. But my hope is dead tonight. So there.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Ok, I think you and I and our H's for that matter are all at the same place. A fork in the road so to speak. Road A = we are about to now become a WAS or Road B = we can sit in this M and just turn off our desire for intimacy and passion, and live with this roommate. Or...Road C, which btw is the road I think we should take, we change what isn't working.
Are we putting too much pressure on our H's? You mentioned that your H isn't feeling very "manly" right now after all that has happened this year. My H is undoubtedly feeling the same (we also are in the middle of a debt consolidation in part due to the fact that he spent ungodly amounts of money that we didn't have during the A). They feel guilt for betraying us, they feel like a failure for not being able to provide for their family. How do we build them up and make them feel like a man? A man that loves his wife and wants to ML to her often. That my friend, is the question of the day!
