To the Husband, I commend you for staying in your marriage and trying to work things out. My husband has decided to do the same thing. I happen to also feel the same as your wife. I am starving for affection. I want my husband to pursue me, snuggle on the couch with me, reach out and hold my hand, buy me flowers for no reason. For some reason he just can't do this right now and as a result I feel hurt and rejected. Can you offer some insight into how you/he are feeling?
Sure our M is healing but I feel so lonely inside. Is this a normal part of the piecing phase? I know that you get what you give and I feel that I am giving, but it feels awkward being affectionate with someone who acts like they don't want you. Unfortunately, this is probably how my H felt for a long time pre-A, I just didn't know how much I was hurting him. Payback is a bitch!
First off a slight hijack...Strongbear how are you? Catch me up on your situation!
****a well man won't deny himself or his spouse a healthy SL
I would disagree. If we can be frank here.....I have as much if not more of a sexual drive than I did when I was 15. However even after I left the OW intimacy was tough because there is a psychological part to it. If a guy is just looking to get his groove on, that's one thing. But ML is as much mental as it is physical.
My gut tells me that y'all need to interact mentally. The sexual stuff will follow.
One thing you have to understand though....Affairs are VERY powerful. When you are in a marriage for a while and have the typical problems of marriage, it is a freedom. Not only do you miss the OW but you miss that freedom.
It's not like when you were in college and a relationship did not work out and you move on to someone else. You go back to the thing that drove you to the affair in the first place. (Yes meaning the marriage).
My opinions are myopic so take them with a grain of salt. But the seeds of my affair were planted years ago. Not that I am a victim. I am and was wrong.
My point is that you and your hubby need to "connect" psychologically. There will be ups and downs. But if the mind does not click the body will not either.
Hey JM, Question is; how are YOU? I have been thinking of you often and hoping that you are doing ok. To catch up on my sitch you can go to the Piecing Forum "What to expect". You can fill me in on yourself there as well. Thanks.
Cat, MB and JM, Many thanks for your posts and thinking of me during this crap week. I appreciate it. Mama, I sent H your question and will answer you via blog or a post here soon. Cat, thank you my sweet friend for keeping up with me. JM, I can't tell you how nice it is to have you trolling the boards again. Please keep me posted on your CT scan, either here or email. Do share news of the babies! Love me some babies.
Okay, I just composed a monster blog post to answer some of the issues raised from my Dealbreakers post, as well as writing a bit more honestly about what my H IS doing vs. just writing what he is NOT doing, KWIM? Plus all the crap I'm not doing to make him feel safe. Anyway, all that to say, I'm just going to copy/paste it here because I am WIPED. OUT. and (of course) work tomorrow. All italics/bold/underlines are in my blog, but I'm too lazy to re-code the post here for those. Hope you all had a good weekend.
Quote: I don't even know what to tell you; I am on a roller coaster of hope and despair - much of my own making. The Husband is just empty and has nothing to give me, his whole life imploded for God's sake, and I run around like a little yippy dog wanting more more more. I'm so tired mentally and physically that I just want some comfort here at home, and that's not working for me. I know The Husband cannot fill me up, that only God can, but I still wish for a fix.
It's just been the most exhausting year of my adult life on every level. I turned full-on to the Lord early in this thing, and was comforted by Him, held up in the middle of the ongoing Hell of the affair by Him directly and indirectly (through amazing friends). Since then, it's been a world of busy-ness and emotional torture for me with returning to work fulltime, the kids going to school, and The Husbands's individual destruction/upheaval of his life, and by extension, mine.
I am (overly) concerned about a return to the status quo of Life Pre-Affair, which was nothing worth writing home about, as I've mentioned here before. The Husband's late night habits of staying awake without me, and not being intimate were bad habits for years, which is the most obvious road sign on the way to Things Staying The Same And Not Changing, and therefore how I gauge progress in the marriage. Every day/week/month that goes by with that 'one thing' still the same in our lives, the more panicked I become that we are on the same road to StagnantMarriageton, Unfulfillment, or Adulteryville, and won't be able to find the off-ramp. It's a multi-layered fear, really. Feeds right into my insecurity of being rejected, etc. So I panic, and think The Husband hasn't noticed this non-change and gee, I guess I'd better say something about it, because maybe if I KEEP SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT IT, IT WILL EFFECT A CHANGE. Well, duh. Not. That's nagging, ya'll. But in my panic to find the off-ramp, I nag him about this ONE thing that scares me to death, that I consider to be the road sign into Hell's cul-de-sac. Who wants to move toward THAT? Hey, I'm bitching at you constantly, come over here and love me. Um, no thanks. Who can blame him? Yes, yes, he's wrong about the bed thing longterm, but so too am I - in my way.
So I ride this rodeo bull of my emotions/feelings, which just digs up any good that's been planted and leaves another gaping hole in the ground where something should have been planted, left alone, and allowed to grow roots. Each time I ride these large emotions, our progress is impeded and slowed considerably. But at the same time, I wonder: Will this EVER change? Is he just plodding along with me out of no other choice? He tells me repeatedly that's not true, and I long to believe him. I can't just dismiss this stuff out of my head, although sometimes actually I can.
I admit wanting to leave and be done with it, and in the very next minute thinking that I would not want to live a life without him in it. And the Lord sits on His throne and just shakes His head at me, I'm sure. I feel so lost about the Lord, more far away from Him than I want to be emotionally, because my soul feels a jumbled mess anymore. I have a purpose at work, people value me and need me. I don't feel valued and needed at home. Perhaps The Husband felt much the same way about things when he was working and coming home to the old yucky me. I'm not the same person that I was this time last year, and for that I cannot be anything but grateful, no matter how horribly it came to pass.
I don't think I hold the actual affair over The Husband's head, but I know I do hold what he's not doing since the affair over him. I'm sure it's no way to live, I just had such hope that our relationship would be much further down the road by now than it is. That's my shortcoming in expecting more than I have. I have also been reading about couples who are further along in intimacy, etc. after adultery and it makes me ache. Not that I should be comparing my individual situation to others', but it's hard not to when I'm searching for answers and other stories about successful marriages after infidelity. Sex/intimacy/time would not be the sticking point for me that it is, if we were having it. But perhaps even then I'd find another sticking point. The Husband certainly seems to think so, and he may be right (although I'd like to think he wouldn't be), it's just that this particular problem plagued us pre-affair, and is much more painful to be STILL dealing with post-affair.
Plus, the negative stuff has so much more 'sticking' power than the positive. It seems bigger and stronger and in more abundance than anything good that's happened. (more on that in a future post, since this one is rivaling War and Peace in length already) My fault there for chewing on that bone as well. Grabbing the classifieds to look for an apartment every time I want to run is not good for trust and rebuilding, I realize that. I reach for him and then run away from him -like a yoyo- depending on whether I'm upset or happy, and I've worn him out with it. I do not blame him for being over me and my fat dramas.
I took off my wedding ring, not in any grand gesture actually. I haven't been wearing my diamond for a while now (long story because the stone came from my mother, and I'll perhaps elaborate on those feelings another time), and I take my band off when I go to the gym (NO, get your heads out of the gutter, it's because it's in the way when I lift weights. Not because I'm trolling for gym rats). The last time I took it off, I just forgot to put it back on for several days. Frankly it just didn't seem to be a big deal but The Husband saw the rings in my drawer one day during my recent Dealbreaker mindset and asked if I was going to keep them off. I didn't answer him directly, and I could've just apologized and explained that it wasn't intentional etc. But no. I didn't. Which made it seem - by omission of explanation - that it was part of some Master Plan. That was wrong of me. I implied more sinister motives than I ever intended by my lack of information, than I would have if I had tried outright. Sometimes I cannot process things fast enough to see the end result, and when I hold honest information close to my vest, screw up even more. Hence, the whole wedding band scenario. And did I come right home, put it back on and explain it to The Husband? No. I just left it off for a few more days because I figured I wasn't in a marriage anyway, blah blah. The bull-riding emotional rodeo rides on.
Did The Husband remove his wedding ring? No. Not even during the affair, actually, which falls on both sides of the fence for me (i.e. aw, he never took it off VS. the bastard didn't even take off his ring to screw her. You understand). Way back when, he voiced many times that he would never love me again, wouldn't live in a loveless marriage, wanted to leave me and this trainwreck of a marriage, etc. But. In his defense, since he ended his relationship with her, he still has never removed his ring. Has never voiced anything but his desire to make this marriage work. Even when I've been out the door a handful of times since. Even when I am the first to bring up separation. Even when I say I will not live in a loveless marriage, and many of the same phrases he uttered during that awful time. Even then. He is battered but still standing.
This blog is biased toward my wayward and wind-swept emotions. Hell, my life is biased toward my wayward and wind-swept emotions. It is not objective, nor does it take in The Husband's side of things. Although, good grief, people. How many men would blog about their affair and how it ruined their life because their spouse asked them to? Not many, I'd venture to say. The Husband is a good man. He has grown from this as well. Just because he's not meeting every need I have for a marriage is no reason to beat him when he's down. I say that to myself as well as to you.
As has been revealed to me by a wise man, we both broke our vows, The Husband's lapse was just more public and got all the visible PR. I did not love, honor, or cherish either. My sins were more subtle and less visible to the outside world. Good heavens, how many of us bitch and complain about our spouses? That's so wrong. And you know it. Even if s/he never knows about it, it infects your relationship. It's what happened with The Husband and his friend-turned-lover. And it's what happened to infect my respect for my man before he even turned away. Quitcher bitchin'. Fix your problems before they spin out of control. Even if you're bad-mouthing a little teensy thing, it looks poor. Here's a recent example. I saw a friend in church a few months ago, and her daughters were wearing little matching dresses. I commented how pretty they looked, and she said, "I never should have let their daddy put them in their car seats. He didn't do it right and they are so wrinkled." Damn, woman. Be glad he's helping you by buckling the kids in their seats, you know? But she saw the negative in her man, not the positive. But we've ALL done that. We've ALL disrespected the person closest to us when that is the LAST thing we should be doing. And for GOD'S SAKE, don't bemoan your marriage to a 'friend' of the opposite sex. Just don't. If you can't share the conversation with your spouse and have to hide it, you know it's wrong. Don't even give me your story or justification for doing so. Talk to the hand.
All of this to say, in my roundabout way, there are two sides to every story, marriage, failure. This blog is mostly my side, and biased toward my point of view. It's not an accurate accounting of the things The Husband has done to secure my trust, and move toward me in other ways since the adultery. He takes itty-bitty-bound-up-geisha-steps toward me, due to his own baggage clashing with my own, but he is taking them. He, too, is a different person than you would have met one year ago. He includes me in his life, makes time to talk to me for hours if needed, and makes plans for us to do things together occasionally, as a family and as a couple. I put my caveat on all of his efforts by telling him it's not very often, or you didn't hold my hand, or you only did it because you had to, or you're only here for the children, you see the pattern. My rampant insecurities jump right out of my mouth and splat onto the brand new sprout of a relationship trying to come out of a frozen ground in some fierce wind. If you were that little sprout, would you keep trying so hard? I see my side, yes, because - well, I'm ME. But I do also see his, as much as I can from my selfish cranium-in-rectum position most days.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
I just want you to know that your ability to put all of this into words is INCREDIBLE, and I am amazed at how much of it sounds as if it could have come straight from my own heart.
BI, Thank you for that post. I can't believe how alike we are. My H is making baby steps and yet I am still not happy. We had a really nice relaxing weekend together; mostly sitting together talking and watching TV. When Saturday came and went with no lovin' I thought to myself, oh well there is always Sunday. Then Sunday night I get a quick hug goodnight and I am ready to call it quits. I want to have a dreaded R talk with him but luckily he fell asleep right away. I go downstairs and think I will write him a note with my dissappointment, but for some reason decided against that.
Your post helped me to see things from his perspective. Thank you so much. Now if I could just learn how to get out of my selfish cranium-in-rectum position long enough for H to want to be with me, wouldn't that be great?
BI - hang in there. It's clear to me that you are fighting an internal fight - something that's playing out in your relationship. The state of your marriage is a safe place to play this out, and you instinctively know this so you project things onto the relationship that you are trying to address within yourself. The trouble is that it's a rather convenient place to place blame for your own lack of happiness. Even though it's not what you want it to be *yet* it does not stand in the way of your happiness. Own the issues you see personally, but look to the positives that do exist in your relationship as a product of the relationship. It is your responsibility to maintain a positive image of the relationship (no matter the state of the relationship - and this does not mean ignoring this) in your emotional reality.
Your statements about how people don't maintain the cherishing state of mind when it comes to their spouse is evidence of the way we generally regard ourselves. We are always pushing to be perfect yet we aren't - to keep up with the artificial standards imposed upon us (that we accept rather) by the media and out culture at large. We defend ourselves, but all too often we find an outlet for this self hate in the criticism of our spouse and we don't extend them the same courtesy of forgivness we do ourselves. As you stated far more eloquently than I could, it doesn't do us any good to be critical and talk behind our spouse's back. It poisons our relationship (because what you practice you eventually become) and it never truly relieves us of the pain that our constant failure causes. A happy person doesn't try and fix the issues that seem to cause the fear of failure - rather they fight the fear itself. This prevents the fear from controlling them and they are free to nurture the good that exists within them.
You seem to be so focused on an external fix - whether it be God, your husband, your marriage - to address your yearnings. I think all of these things will be wonderful parts of your life once you accept the uncertainty of the situation. Can you strip away the years of conditioning and look at the relationship as you would have the first day you were together? Look for all the new things there are to learn about your H, and do so in a positive way? Even if it seems so rediculously negative, can you see something in him to appreciate (just for yourself)? Can you find something that teaches you a little more about yourself? You've got a great idea of what your fixed marriage will be like, of how you can measure your progress. Now think about what the "fixed" BI will be like. How she'll act, think, feel. How will you measure your steps toward success? How far along are you? Are you the whole that will be half of this fixed marriage yet? I know you have made some great progress - the fact that you're aware of your insecurities, that you're secure in yourself enough to admit you're insecure is great in itself. Just keep plugging along and you will make it, I know it, you know it. It's just frustrating, and human nature makes you believe that things shouldn't be the way they are. Look deep in your soul and ask God - I think you'll find that every step you took was meant to be, and there is so much good where you are that you are just ignoring.
As for your marriage: change something, one little thing. You said that there was a shoot of new growth. Nourish this, love it. If you do this, rather than criticise the fact that it's not yet a tree, you will find growth, positivity and happiness in it. That change that you provide can be the thing that your H finds refreshing and will be something he can fixate on to prove to himself that he made the right choice in staying. Thanks for posting and letting us know how everything is going.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Quote: But if the mind does not click the body will not either.
I agree JK, though what I meant was that a well (physically and MENTALLY) man won't deny his wife. I was thinking more of depression. My H also didnt' want to ML for a long time after he came back because he said he felt guilt and it didnt' feel the same, on the latter, guess he, like me, was hoping we'd pick up where we left off when were were having NO problems at all, the "ideal" SL, which wasn't the fact when he left our home.
Hey BI, just wanted to tell you you are in my prayers, hope you get some rest babes, I know you'd think things better after a while))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat, MB, and Muddle, Thank you guys for stopping in and checking on me often. I appreciate you (even if your spouses don't!)
Will post more in reply tonight or tomorrow, but wanted to share with you guys H's reply to my blog post. I linked him to it and he read it and replied that night. We've not spoken about it yet, but I think that may be coming tonight. Still haven't figured out the Final Answer.
Quote: I just read it. Lots of commentary. So, what do we do about all of it? Bag it or move forward, knowing each other's strengths and weaknesses and needs. We are at a serious crossroads here, and we need to move in some direction. Either continue and keep on going to counseling and try to make this work, or end it all. You know my stance. But, I cannot continue to keep fighting if you are not willing to help me make this work. I am too tired and beaten down. You are either my partner or you are not. I need to feel like my efforts are important and that they register on your radar screen. That is my hill to die on, so to speak.
I care about you so much. I'm so sorry that my "love" feelings are not here. But, I really beileve the Lord can restore all that is lost. I so trust Him to do that. I know I have my moments about Him, but, in the end, He's really all that both of us have, right? We are without hope unless He can intervene, and I know He wants to.
I am leaving this up to you. If you want to dedicate yourself to making this work then let's do it. Otherwise, let's figure out how we can end this without devastating [D7 and S5], if that is possible. If you want to leave, and really see no hope, then I have to let you go. Not what I want, but, as I said, we have to go in some direction here and not hang here in the limbo that is killing both of us.
What is it going to be? I am me and you are you. We need [MC]'s help to find common ground. If you don't think this can happen then you need to be doing what you need to do. I will never judge you for anything you decide. I know that the affair has thrown you into a terrible state of mind, and I know some couples do not come back from something like this. But I have tried so hard to build your trust and do the things you have asked. I am tired of being beaten down and having caveats placed on all of my attepts. It is unfair. I believe I am much further along towards moving to you than you give me credit for. That hurts, since my primary goal is to make our marriage great and godly and safe for each of us.
So, what's it going to be?
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Whoa! BI, stop pushing him away. He is truly trying, IMHO. Just because it is not on the time table that we would like it to be does not make it bad. Have to rush off to work, but will be back!
