BI, I love the action plan. H and I are also in MC and we have similar action steps, but not quite a plan like that. But for us, our issues go deeper becaseu H doesn't seem to be able to stay away from OW for long periods of time and MC and I are thinking there may be some additioanl issues going on with him that need exploring. But for a rational person, which it sounds like your H might be, that's a great plan -- even if you don't stick to it completely.
Hey JM, I was just askign about you on another post. I haven't seen your name on the board in a while (this is aidandylan... I changed my screen name because i was afraid H would see and figure out my name).
I have been lurking and catching up on everyone's posts and keeping up with my blog, but haven't had the time - or frankly the emotional energy - to update here.
The Action Plan is dead in the road. We did one thing on the list for the first 2 weeks, and when we met with MC that next time, she told H to try to tackle one at a time and perhaps slowing down would make them easier for him. (DRAMATIC SIGH FROM ME. WHATEVER.)
She said, rightfully so, that the prayer was most important. So, for the most part, we have been praying at night together. We see MC tomorrow and it's been a month since this Action Plan was put into effect. I'm not knocking prayer, so forgive me Lord if You think so, but I am bummed out by the lack of decent forward movement and have been less encouraged as time goes on. Perhaps this is due to me wishing I was piecing like ToughLover is, everything they are doing is what I want to be doing - based my Action Plan requests on what he and his W are doing. This one thing at a time deal is rankling to me. Shame on me, I'm a selfish b!tch today maybe.
And I'm getting ZERO in my one Dealbreaker area: coming to bed at the same time, and sex. ZERO. He's still saying goodnight to me and going downstairs to all hours. No, there's not porn or any wacky sh!t going on, just a general AVOIDANCE of ME. I cannot tell you how many times I've told him (and also in MC) that this is where the rubber hits the road for me. It was going on pre-A, but even though it made me miserable, I tolerated it. And I also thought it was b/c of his then-highly-demanding job. Well, there's no busy job anymore, but he will now find reasons to keep himself 'needing' to do this or that. Garbage. I told him post-A that this is something I will not tolerate anymore, a sexless M and a H who will not come to bed at the same time. That it feels like a big fat rejection, lack-of-reassurance, and flat-out disrespectful/can't-be-bothered when he does this. EVERY DAY. I told him tonight that this is the ONE thing I've asked for, the most important thing to me right now (somewhat b/c of the A, but mostly b/c I seem to be a man in a chick's body, b/c I feel connected and more open/intimate AFTER sex. He's like the girl, who wants to feel inimate/open BEFORE he's willing to have it.) You know, what-the-fcuk-ever. I'm about done over it. We have a C appt tomorrow a.m., and if some sh!t doesn't get resolved I am close to giving up.
Sorry if this seems lame and stupid to anyone out there. But, hell, the man cannot even tell me he loves me NOR will he ML to me or spend much time with me. All of this on the heels of an A is just about a Dealbreaker for me. If you had it for her, you can fcuking rally for me.
I have changed a lot, I realize there is more to do, but my basic CONTENTIOUS nature is GONE. He runs up against NO resistance in his life about parenting, finances, decisions he makes. NOTHING. I mean, I'm no doormat, as ya'll can guess, we do discuss things, but I argued with him and 2nd-guessed everything he did pre-bomb. Everything. Emasculating, and wrong. He has NONE of that now. And he's acknowledged that. So - pat, pat - I will pat my back there, but it's not enough. We haven't met each other's core needs and I don't trust that we ever will.
The most one-on-one time he gives me is when we are arguing about our R.
I find this whole deal sad and ridiculous. Hell, he deserves to be happy too, and if it's not with me, so be it. I'm too tired to go on and on with the details of all that was discussed/argued tonight, but I'll let you know what is discussed tomorrow in MC. Perhaps I can look back on this post in a few weeks/months and laugh that about how stupid it was, but not tonight. Feels pretty hopeless.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
oh sweety, sorry you got such a roadblock in your path))))))))))))))
I almost dare to think that depression is making him unable to give you anything because he himself is empty right now, a well man won't deny himself or his spouse a healthy SL, specially with you making so many changes and being a supportive wife.
Quote: If you had it for her, you can fcuking rally for me
I remember saying the exact same thing to my H. It tok me a few weeks to remember that men in an A are just escaping reality and drugging themselves w/sex when with the others (op), it's not that the others really made them want sex or that we can't give them what they want. The forbiden-novelty-kind of sex they had is totally different from the loving sex you and I had with our H's pre-bomb. Our love was real not some make-believe endorphin.
Say it with me, "the A wasn't about me" it was about our men being emotionally retarded.
I pray your C session helps, at least he is going, and taking a few items off the action plan might be wise since he doesn't seem to be able to tackle more than one.
Is there an activity both of you can do at night before bed, something the two of you can enjoy?
I've taken the pressure-sex-nooze off my H's neck and our SL is much better now, I am convinced your H must be feelint either depression or anxiety, or even both. Guilt is also an awesome mood killer.
Hang in there hon)))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Well, I'm on the road to be a WAW, and I apologize to everyone here for throwing out false hope in my sitch. We just cannot (will not?) climb this mountain in front of us. I am so sad today I can't stop crying. But, rightly or wrongly, SOMETHING is going to change finally. I just wish I had better news. I'm not much of a Stander, I only have about 11.5 months into this sitch. It is just too much for me, and this cycling is getting nowhere. My M may be over, but I know I will take the positive changes and use them. For that I cannot be anything but thankful.
Our MC session was me weeping and alternately cussin' mad. H says he doesn't want to separate but is not willing to change what I ask, anything but. And that's my dealbreaker. I just can't blame him anymore. It was half my fault for our M failing and getting to him having an A. We're just unable/unwilling to recover properly. I really admire everyone here, and in Piecing, for their strength thru such a miserable-soul time. I mostly feel I've let people here down, but I'm tired of so much pain and so little progress.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
BI - if there's anyone here that can do this, it's you. It's not about standing, it's about doing. Men like a stable environment - that's why he doesn't want to change anything. Women like to be constantly stimulated. Maybe you need to start setting up little explosive charges all over the place and start him jumping. There's a reason he was attracted to you and all your controlling, critical stuff. I bet a part of it was the challenge of getting you to calm down and be stable. Well, give him that challenge and know for yourself that the only way he'll be able to regain that stability he's seeking is to throw you a bone (so to speak). He knows what the solution is, he just isn't motivated. Light a fire under him. Stop looking up at the mountain (I'm fairly certain that you don't often look down to see just how far you've come) and start looking at the campsite you're both sitting in together and see what you can do to help make it a place to move forward from together.
You can do it. If you want to. Let yourself be who you are, not a box you build around yourself designed in fear.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
wow, now calm down honey, you know you are having a bad day when you take blame for your H's A, that right there tells me you arent thinking well, so don't you rush and make any big decisions right now.
You are not letting any one down, you are having one of those "hit rock-bottom" mars-venus phases us women have when all our emotions just have to come out.
I'm not downplaying your sitch, but you have come way too far and have learned too much to be a WAW, this man actually posts about his A online! for you! my H rather cut his left you know what than to tell the world he did what he did, it can't be over, I refuse to believe that.
Vent, cry, but don't give up just yet. So you mean to tell me your H is just not willing to even considet giving you what you need? did he explain why? is he just not ready or just not compliant to your request?
The only downside of being in this board is that we see others in a higher level, one we wish we could achieve already and it makes us despair a bit.
Come one hon, take a deep breath, calm then, THEN make a decision, give yourself that much.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Quote: a well man won't deny himself or his spouse a healthy SL
and yet, he did for YEARS. This is not just post-A. This is a good five-year problem in our M. The point is that I'm not willing to take it anymore since he had some healthy sex and strong desire for the OW, and yet came back to the same old pattern with me of NONE.
He pursued me on the sidewalk after MC and said "i don't want you to be done' and I apologized (again), but dammit, I'm not being placated to stay only to have this sh!t ongoing. somebody has to stop this ride so we can get off. (pardon the pun. ha). I told him things have not changed and there doesn't seem to be the motivation TO change this habit and he deserves someone to motivate him, as do I.
I am not going to his parents' house for Thanksgiving (MIL called and left a msg on the machine, which is why it came up); he said we're a family and we should be together and I told him that we will be alternating holidays, for God's sake, we might as well start now. He ended up telling his mother that I am not coming, and now he can deal with all that later. It's a relief to quit acting like everything is fine. it is NOT fine, GD-it.
Even our ever-optimistic MC said that ours was not a M (given our current non-intimacy, QTime together), just good-functioning roommates. Life is too short for this ongoing failure.
Just goes to show you, you never can guess who will be the ones to make it, who will fail.
This train has completely derailed, and will not be stopping at the station.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
BI, I know how bad you feel, trust me, I do. Have you read your sign off lately?
Quote: If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Patience my friend. That is the word that is consistently used around here. I myself have a very short supply. If you have time, hop over to my thread in Piecing. I have recently gotten some good advice about this very thing. If your H doesn't have it to give right now, there is not much that you can do. Has he given you reasons why he cannot be intimate with you?
perhaps it is a medical problem and he is too proud/shy to seek treatment? when did your SL started going downhill? Iknow after each kid my drive went downhill, there is gotta be another reason.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
