My Glass is Almost Empty, BI_43 part 2

[MuddleThrough]

Muddle, I read your thread just now, and 45 minutes seems SO short to have a first C session with the 2 of you. Our first MC session with our DECENT therapist was about 2 hours, to 'set the scene'. I should post this to you directly, but I'm here on my thread and pressed for time!

It was short because our babysitter (W's friend) was late. Frustrating, but we managed to get a lot out on the table. It's progress - any movement in the process is good.

Congrats on an action plan! You'll really be proud of yourself when you accomplish what you set out to do together! Now, keep you eyes on your own plate and let H worry about his. Anytime you feel he's not keeping up his end of the bargain recognize that you aren't do so well on yours and you're projecting your stuff onto him. If this isn't objectively true, you'll at least keep yourself moving forward by focusing on what you can control.

I have to agree with Cat that that is a very important thing to be aware of. We know we cloud our reality with our perspective, but this recognition doesn't do us much good unless we actively look to the positive and never put a ceiling on the potential of our spouses by forcing them to live in a prison defined by their past actions. We have to see them as the see themselves at their best. Otherwise we are living out a nihilistic, empty value driven dream that only serves our egos - and not very well at that.

[jacqm]

Wow--some good truths here...you should put them in print--or at least print them out to read/re-read/and read again til its ingrained. we all should.

i'll post to my thread, just haven't felt much like it lately. some good been happening, some disappointing, some just to make things more difficult.

i just like to check in here to see how y'all are doing. You and your H are going to be OK, i think--it just takes a while to relearn things.

jacqm

[JokerMan]

I have been out of the loop. Any updates on the blog? If so can you post the link again?

[believing_isaiah43]

JM! Where R U? Have babies? Doing okay? Hook me up with the 411, please. H is going to post soon, he says, but it's been difficult for him. You can see why in some of my blog posts (http://instepford.blogspot.com)

We had a crappy argument last night, and I got defensive, yelled, and was generally my pissy old self. Go me (ugh). But we hammered it out (as I called him back from my cell phone from work going up the stairs to the hospital to clock in last night). I just couldn't leave it crappy for the whole night. and apologized b/c I'm so FREAKING FRUSTRATED. (the Action Plan as Roadkill being one - 1 out of 5 done - and him being dissatisfied with me, but not giving me MEASURABLE THINGS to do to make him feel better, etc.). I told him he's have to give me something more than needing to be 'accepted as a person on a basic level' - WTF, man, obviously I need more direction, and it feels like he keeps changing the hoops he wants me to jump through. Told him all that, and he promised to think about WTH that would look like to him, so I'm not living on VagueWorld. I made my goals for him measurable in order for me to feel better, and I need him to do the same.

That's the news from Chez Stepford for today - we did get our Christmas photos made today. For the last several years it's always just the kids because H has been traveling the last 3 months of the year. This year he was here and we took our first family photo in 3-4 years. I hope it looks good. It felt a little funny, but I hope it is a beautiful pic to give us hope.

Headed to McDonald's (ugh) to reward the kids for good behavior for the pictures and for cleaning their rooms today. I swear when my kids are grown I will never darken the doorstep of McD's again, that nasty minion of satan.

[cat03]

hey girl, hope you are doing good today. Well, so much for men wanting us to be direct, I hope your H is able to tell you what he wants.
Are you reading something? I think it helps to keep our focus, I was skimming "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" awesome book, sometimes I forget what I've learned.

Last sunday we had a bad argument, and even though -speaking the truth- he behaved like an a$$ at some point, I see how I went wrong and how it led to him making me so mad (I angrily asked him--after listing all I do and him telling me 'this is taking hours!',--that is it ok for me to do all the chores and for him to do nothing he made a stupid face and said 'bingo' pointing at me)
I wasn't direct, I keep forgetting to just get to the point without explaing why he should help me (sometimes that is needed but not always, learned that from Mars-Venus book) and the fact that he is adhd also makies him a very short attetion span person.

We need to go back to the basics and polish what we've learned long ago, to respect them without expecting them to earn our respect, to encourage them, to value and thank them for what they do, to praise any gesture so in time it encourages them to keep it up and so they feel we do value them.

Serenity now, ish!!!

I hear you about McDonalds, my kids love that place, I make sure I eat a sandwich at home before we go and I bring my bottle of SlimFast while we are there I just can't stomach their burgers... now, the apple pie, well...

[believing_isaiah43]

Hi guys,

Met with MC this week - thank GOD for her, I always feel better when we go even if it all goes to hell the minute we leave - and hammered out more feelings, etc. Still have the Action Plan, but since we only did ONE out of five/H feels like those are all things HE has to do and therefore unconsiously resistant (or something), we are going to concentrate on ONE at a time. The one thing we DID do was spend time together as a family. This is actually not as lame as it sounds b/c in our former life we would just pass the kids off to each other and have happy memories with the kids SEPARATELY. This way were creating memories as a whole, and that's good. But we did ZIP on the list past that.

C said that our first priority is to be praying together daily and that's her one thing we HAVE to be doing. H owned the fact that he dropped the ball on that and he really wanted to. He's the perfect H in counseling, NOT that he's insincere but more like he's his best self. He did acknowledge some very real changes in our interaction post-A, such as me not fighting/bucking him on every little thing/opinion he has, and that my general contentious nature has disappeared (which it has) - so that was nice to be acknowledged.

And then we leave and life and busy-ness get in the way of our intentions. Ya'll know.

Um. it's been 3 days since MC and there's not been one community prayer here. My 180s have included NOT nagging him about stuff like that, so I don't -but I may mention it today in passing. We meet with her again on Thursday.

I posted something on the blog that H wrote back in May of this year (on his own, now defunct, blog - his stupid f*cked up parents would read his stuff and then critique him about it. Ugh. He quit writing on it, obviously) that I thought was a really good piece of writing. Anyway it's here if you'd like to see.

[cat03]

arggh!!! I accidentally erased my post, this can't get worse.

BI, anyone, set me straight, I lost it. Im not posting on my thred, I think H is checking it out.

I behaved like an a$$ this weekend, drilled my H about his sex life w/op, insisted he tell me about it, wanted him to tell me that I was better than her, wanted to get the dirt on it and wanted him to make me feel better about it.

Of course he got annoyed and would not tell me a thing, not even to say that he did enjoyed it with me, just told me that we are different people, that it is ackward for me to ask this questions, but will not tell me ANYthing make me feel better. Yes, I'm basically asking how I'm better than her in bed. And no, he refuses to say anything, and I know Iwas acting batty, but I get no extra attention from him, no ILS after all these months, still acts all happy go lucky and doesn't do anthing to make me feel like he wants to make it up to me in any way, no validation, no affection other than in bed, no support whatsoever if he feels I'm in pain.

He tells me he is still not 100% there, that he can't freely give me what I ask (validation, reaffirmation) and in an anger bout told me he still doesn't trust me becaseu I look into his stuff (when i found about the truth about the A). GRRRRRRRRRRRR, I told him I forgave him for waht he did, why can't he do that same, why is my offence as bad as his? he says it is a different kind of violation (his privacy) and he still feels at odds w/me about that.

I will never understand that point of view,I prob should speack to my C. I know I shouldn't have pushed so much and ask such graphic questions, but I'm loosing it since I feel I give so much and he is focusing on hisjob and doesn't think he is ready to give to me, I'm damn SICK and tired of this sh*t, yes, i'm really mad, I don't curse, but damn it, he just doesn't try. Sure one or 2 things have changed, but if I have a prob about something he feels that he if "backs down" i'll find something else to
"bother him" about, that when I ask him to understnad and take action or do something for me even though he doesn't truly agree w/it that I'm manipulating him, if he doesn't agree with it and I want him to cooperate w/me then I'm "telling him waht to do"

How in the heck am I supposed to be loving to a man who acts like I"m the one who left and did crap and who doesn't even try to make me happy. Yes, i'm whining, but I guess it is juts one of those days, I hate this, I hate it w/all my being, married to this man who doesn't love me.

And I think he knwos I read his black book, he sort of mention it,a nd I've only talked about it here, so come tomorrow I'll get a new name.

[believing_isaiah43]

OMG, cat. you are losing it - you have to pull it together or you will not keep this thing moving forward. Read GH's post from last night (SO good) and the thread in here titled something like STOP! LBS

I of course popped in here about 2 minutes before I have to leave the house for work so that's all I can give you on 2 seconds time.

You have to STOP being so inconsistent with your H. Trust me, I UNDERSTAND your emotions but giving into them when they bubble over is SCREWING UP YOUR LIFE. you KNOW this.

more later.

[twist_of_fate]

Hey BI, I've been "beemed donw" from the crazy mother ship and feeling more sane than ever.

Didn't mean to hijack your thread but I knew you'd helped me, directing me to the threads you listed did the trick

Um. it's been 3 days since MC and there's not been one community prayer here.

What I'd give for my H to be in agreement to prayer. Does he rebuff you when you ask to pray or are you waiting for him to make the first move?
I have a similar prob w/the kids and a devotional time I want to have w/them, they aren't used to it and since i'm not either (w/them, I do have time aby myself for my personal devotional) before we know it it's bedtime and it is too late, I really have to make time and make it a priority.

When do you ideally want to pray w/him, did you agree on a time? maybe the time you want to hold prayer isnt' good for him (too early, too late?)

Anyways, hope you have a good C session on T))))))))))

[believing_isaiah43]

Hey friends,
I have had my energy sucked out of me this weekend, headed to work now. cat, we did pray together for a few nights and then this weekend went completely to hell in a handbasket in several areas. ugh. NONE of my design, I am happy to report, but still a bunch of bad crap. Will update when I can! Miss ya'll. Do check the blog, I did get a chance to post about H's FOO issues finally.

oh PS, a funny-to-me thing. OW's city was in the news for a few days last week and H made a comment about it, and I said I had seen that and thought about her, and H said "and she's in her house like nothing ever happened. b*tch. fcuking b*tch" I almost fell over. He never brings her up, and he certainly has never said anything like that about her. My inner-nasty-redneck was pleased.