My Glass is Almost Empty, BI_43 part 2

[MuddleThrough]

I need to be supportive and not so fcuking DISAPPOINTED in what I am not getting from my H.

Maybe reframing these thoughts when you have them as "what can we do together" rather than "what he's not doing for you" could help? As long as you maintain the perspective that you are doing for yourself what you feel needs to be done - and finding ways of doing this together - you are going to rid yourself of disappointment, not only because you will get exactly what you are looking for, but because if you don't it will be because you couldn't/didn't do it for yourself. It's much easier to forgive yourself than someone else when you don't get something you want.

I can't speak from the perspective of someone in a relationship that's piecing, but I imagine I would go into piecing now with the same perspective I have now: this process is about learning about myself, improving myself, moving towards fulfilling my potential and purpose. It's not an investment with a return down the line. Not an exercise in delayed gratification - but it is a process by which you live your life closer and closer to personal truth - and there's another doing this with you. Each difficult step you have taken has brought you closer to this state of being. I know there's always some part of you that's looking to get something monumental for your efforts, to have that fantasy relationship really fulfill you, be the happy pill that cures your ills. I think we all look to a relationship to see ourselves mirrored in the other person. I think there is a part of ourselves that wants to see nothing more than ourselves complete and perfect in the eyes of the other. And if only this would make it true.

At some point, when you are both on stable, healthy ground, I think there needs to be open and honest discussion about what your relationship needs to be for you both. Compromises and agreements made. This way everything is out on the table, there are no unspoken expectations to build resentment over. If you're disappointed in your H then, you either have reason to be because of your agreement, or you can recognize that you are looking for something in your relationship that you need to find in your self.

Just my thoughts. Hope you're doing well as I haven't heard from you in a few days.

[believing_isaiah43]

OMGosh, ya'll, I've been wandering around other people's threads and had no idea there were any posts on mine since I've been away a while. Just this week really; working so much (yawn) - day shifts, night shifts, overtime - was going to watch a DVD with H tonight and just crashed hard around 6pm, and came to bed instead. Woke up briefly and thought I'd check in with ya'll.

Found myself quoted on Mamabear's new thread in Piecing, and posted to her, and here's what I said there:

I struggle MIGHTILY in my feeling of being OWED a good R by my H. We had a talk/discussion/argument/cry(me) today - started on one topic and just bled into all the others - and I cannot stand how he will state one of his needs, or disappointments, or some place where he is not getting something from me, and I will TURN IT AROUND immediately and state how I'm not getting something either. How it always has to be ABOUT ME. ugh.

Oh, I'll go post this mess on my own thread, and should probably move over here from Infidelity soon anyway. But Mama, piecing is SO much harder than fighting for your M, IMHO. I think GH said it well once, b/c he pointed out that in the middle of the A, you have a GOAL that is tangible and you are fighting against it, and also FOR your marriage and now this Piecing requires you not to FIGHT so much as to STAND STILL and wait, in terms of the R moving at its own pace. And all of us hate that waiting thing, b/c hello? they were out of the gate like a horse when it came to OW/M, so let's get cracking in the M. It's just not the same, and it's a lesson in grace and patience that I wish I wasn't having to learn (and relearn) every day.

More on that 'discussion' today when my head is not pounding from fatigue. I think about you guys even when I'm not here. Ya'll should work in a hospital - it does help me put my life in perspective every day, when I see some of the things people have to deal with. (i.e 3 small sisters killed in a house fire
) We don't have any problems when you look at things like that

[believing_isaiah43]

Must. Sleep.

Too tired for rational thought, but had to share this bit of wisdom from 25yrsmlc over in Piecing. There's a thread over there asking people if they're really happy piecing, or not. Lots of good insight, and more reinforcement about how Piecing is so freaking HARD, ya'll. Anyway, this is the post that, for whatever reason, smacked me with a 2x4 between the eyeballs.

In a workshop I attended a man had spoken of his W often and how she did not love him the way he wanted to be loved. At least, that is how I saw his problem....anyway, he mentioned that she wanted to come to the "graduation" if he wanted her to and he did. But he changed his mind, and so she did not plan on attending. Later someone convinced him it would be fun and once again the H changed his mind about his W coming to the ceremony...She again was flexible and fine with whatever he wanted. He seemed a little embarrassed at how many times his mind had changed. A light went off in his head and he began weeping.


He said, "all these years I've wanted her love to come to me in a certain way and I refused it if it wasn't in that exact 'one lane of a road', it could only come in the lane I wanted it from..... I've shut out so much of the love in the other lanes, so much love she was offering me all these years, what a fool I've been....she will come to the ceremony or stay home b/c she wants to do what will make ME happy....I want to love her the way she loves me and not close off so many lanes in my life...."

I saw this with my own eyes, and hope it comes across half as profound as I experienced witnessing it. It was a miracle I think, and if you'd heard his earlier comments you'd know it was true. How much do we shut off?

And if your H somehow made it clear that he GOT IT, and was genuinely sorry, why couldn't you THEN drop it, forgive and move on.???? If he really got it, he wouldn't do anything perilously close to his "before" behavior. You don't have to psychoanalyze it to be reassured, I'd say the opposite. BUt you will get nowhere if you insist that he keep on proving it all over again to you.

DB coach said to me (and other LBSers) something you might like:

"KEEP THE ROAD HOME PAVED AND SMOOTH" so let's not make it harder than it already is. I know some WAS don't ever come back b/c they believe it'll be too hard...they won't be forgiven or trusted or even taken back at all no matter what. When LBSers insist on continuing to need the reassurances a year down the road, they make it harder for all. IF your H 'got it', then you move forward as if it's a new love, b/c it is.

Now, my whiny-a$$ed self wants to qualify these points: but it isn't a 'love' b/c my H doesn't love me anymore, wah, wah, blah, blah I am just really wanting my ONE Fcuking LANE road and no others. Yeah, maybe he's not all 'feeling the love' right now (which, if I sit and dwell on that, could take me under) BUT if I keep whining and b*tching and moaning about it, how much further away do I pull us from him actually saying ILY some day?

God's working it out, I'm hoping, yet I keep stepping in and pushing the healing further away; the happy times keep being DELAYED because of MY BAD ATTITUDE. Don't you know God's up there shaking his head: I love her, but if she'd just SHUT UP I could get my work done quicker.

The silent pressure on H from me is HUGE. yuck. who wants to live in that vacuum? i certainly wouldn't (but i'm not saying it's not HARD to walk around mopey and entitled and all why-don't-you-love-me-again-right-now-ish. it's damned near impossible for Drama Queen Me).

This just really drove it home for me in a way I've not felt before. Now to figure out what to do about it.

[believing_isaiah43]

Toughlover in Piecing posted last week about what he and his W are specifically doing to work on their R/M. and I printed it to use at MC today. Here's what I just wrote him:

TL, your list is printed, and I'm "fixin' to" highlight (as we say in the South) the parts I want to discuss today. Our MC appt is at 9:30 EST and today, 10/4, was already earmarked as our State of the Union day. So we'll be going over where we are and where we want to go. I told H last night we had a lot to discuss with MC today and he said, "are you leaving?" He is always expecting an ambush. That's a mutual problem in our M of late. I told him NO, that I wanted an action plan, with measurable goals, and a thorough discussion of what we both want (i.e. what would things look like specifically if we were each getting what we want in this R). Will paste this to my own thread, but wanted to thank you for your outline and I'll be adding on my own goals/actions to yours.

I'll keep you posted (pardon the pun. ha!)

Thanks also to Muddle, for driving home, in previous posts, the idea of MEASURABLE goals. You can't tell progress if you can't measure it somehow, he kept telling me. I get it, and I think H will too. Yeah, it's not romantic, but floating around in the cosmos hoping things will improve is also a cheeseless tunnel here at Chez Stepford.

I work tonight, with lots of busy-ness in between but will try to update you this evening if possible. Going to pray for the last little bit before we go. Would appreciate anyone shooting up a 'flare prayer' for us today as you see fit.

Thanx guys.

[believing_isaiah43]

Didja miss me? I'm just checking in to say that the MC session went well; God really worked it out that day, even playing me some good songs on the iPod shuffle on the way over as encouragement. I felt a little silly when we started, as I made the statement that I'd like to make efficient use of our time together b/c of the State of the Union and some things I wanted to say/address. Then I pulled out my Bible, 2 printouts from this Board, and a notebook and pencil. Class was in session. ha. Anyway, we came up with an Action Plan based on things I presented and 'asked' for, and MC and H agreed to them. They are written down on a list of things we're to do each week together, but the list is out in my car so I'll post it here (and on the blog) tomorrow-ish. We've not done them all, and H didn't want me to initiate them all (he said in MC), so I sort of feel like a brat in school who's going to keep quiet and then 'tattle on him' when we get to MC a week from tomorrow, if they've not been done. ugh.

Felt really good about the session and when we left there, but things (as they always do) dip after a high point. H is having emotional issues, and could really use a friend - who is not someone affected by this A, which of course excludes me, and most of the people we know. So I'm going to start praying about that for him.

And I put on a leather jacket I've not worn in a loooonnng time today. Something in the pocket. Pulled it out, it was a hotel room key from last December when I flew across the country to try to stop the A from occurring. Yeah, thanks for that, God. groan. Threw it in the trash and never mentioned it (the old me would have SO mentioned it, just to twist the knife into H. Don't forget, I'm hurt. You hurt me. Over here, look at my hurt. Poor me. Look here at this hotel key, you big POS.)

Also, went to church today without H (he could not wake up, b/c he's on a fcuking DRACULA schedule, which he promised to quit in MC and I've yet to see a change 4 days later. Deep breath). ANYWAY, I go to church and am surrounded by our old friends from his job. His boss & wife sat with me, one of the VPs and family were in the row in front of us, and I met another VP as the boss introduced me to him. H would have DIED a thousand deaths to know this, as I'm sure they were all wondering where he was, etc etc. I fought the urge, while sitting in church, to go home and twist the knife in him about it. Came home, he asked about church, I said it was fine. Nothing else.

On the way home I kept thinking, what good is it to my life and relationship to make H feel like sh!t about himself. Not much. How can I show love to him like Christ would? By being non-bitter about him staying home and not mentioning the work people to him. Trust me, I am less than impressed by his behavior since MC appt, but it's NOT MY JOB to fix him or point out every shortcoming I see. Working on that. But you know, he doesn't poke me about all of my failings either. And there are many of my own. So I'm working at being pleasant and non-judging about what I don't like. Baby steps.

Will post the Weekly Goal list shortly.

[always_14]

Honey, you're on the path and doing well on what we have all hoped you would do.....start to forgive and take action on the forgiveness. Easier said than done...given what you read and such.

BUT, it IS the past, and you can't always hold him to that (of course, I yammer on about this....not like I am in your shoes....FAR behind, of course, with an H that is just plain nuts).

You are taking steps. With each time you DO NOT say something, I guarantee a small part of you is healing. You need to start also seeing H in a new light...not in the "my bastard H who cheated on me.." And the less it comes up between the 2 of you, the more likely that will happen. Remember, the red paint needs to come off of you AND him.

I cannot imagine what he's going through. My H is going through the samet hing, but sadly, it may be the one thing that keeps him from trying to work things out (oh, and his raging MLC too...did I mention that!!!). Really, he's so horribly depressed, about his job, being disrespected b/c of the A, and a failed M that could have been worked on had he not run in the other direction. I think that is what is so tough too....to see the spouse try AFTER you have gone and made a wreck of your life...not that we ASKED them to have the A to change.

My H always laments...why did this happen....why did we not address this sooner. Well, I did...you were in MLC land.

Anyway...it's regret all over the place for your H. He doesn't need YOU to make him feel guilty anymore...it's not like he's in a fantastic mood, forgotten about things, didn't really say sorry and thinks it's normal. He's feeling rotten for the both of you.

Be his friend now, as much as you can. AND....really put 100% into the M right now....you WILL see effort on his part and it will make you feel good to focus on something other than th epast.

[cat03]

I kept thinking, what good is it to my life and relationship to make H feel like sh!t about himself. Not much. How can I show love to him like Christ would

That is SO true! it also dawn on me "what good is it to remind him how much he screwed up?" I found an old movie stub, he'd gone with op to see a movie I loved (he knew I was dying to see it) and which I ended going alone. I mentioned I'd rent it (he doesnt' know I know he went w/her, at least I was able to act like an adult and didnt fuss about it) I just wanted to see what he said, of course he played dumb. So, what the heck was I expecting?? for him to tell me "oh yes, the movie I went to see w/op" ... but again, I didnt' rub it on him that I knew the truth.

We gain nothing but hurt when we twist the knife, I think we are stepping up the ladder by acknowloging this truth BI, as my H's TM said last week "I feel low enough", someone posted to me "be his safe place to land" Let's always remember that.

[jacqm]

one of the things i read somewhere is to pray for God to let you see your H as GOD sees him, not as he is in our eyes...covered by Grace, and as the man God wants him to be. Soon, you will see him that way, too.

in other words, how we perceive them in our heart determines how we see them in real life-honorable or dishonorable, which then controls how we treat them and react to them. If we can see them honorably, then we don't have to fight to keep our actions non-condemning.

Even tho my H is still out there and still with the OW, I prefer to think of him as the honorable man he used to be and i will defend him as such to others as well as to himself. its only when i dwell on what he's done that i hurt.
I think that's the key--its easy to focus on our hurts and pain, but when we take our eyes off ourselves and keep focused on Jesus, it becomes bearable and we can be merciful and loving.
jacqm

[believing_isaiah43]

Thank you guys for your insight; I've had less time to post than I'd like to, but I am reading your threads I promise! JACQM, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN FRIEND? please post on your thread, I have been thinking about/concerned for you. Would like to hear about you more.

Always, thank you for dropping by. You have so much going on, but I am proud of how your recovery times (from the lows) are less each time (have you noticed?) - that is real progress. You are so strong. And have great insight.

Muddle, I read your thread just now, and 45 minutes seems SO short to have a first C session with the 2 of you. Our first MC session with our DECENT therapist was about 2 hours, to 'set the scene'. I should post this to you directly, but I'm here on my thread and pressed for time!

OH! Here's my piece of paper with the ACTION PLAN from our State of the Union MC session last week. I'll refrain from commentary about what has (and has not) happened yet. We meet again with her on Monday, purposely skipping a week to see if we could settle into/initiate these changes before we check in with her.

1) Pray together every morning or evening
2) H gets up by 9 a.m.
3) Recreational time (interaction time, not passive watch-movie time) with no R talk
4) Recreational time with our kids once/week; recreational time adults only once/week
5) Sex once a week

Ya'll gnaw on that and I'll update you on what happens with it when I get more time. Work the next 2 day shifts and then a night shift right after. So I'll be cruising here but probably not enough time to post and still have sleep. (sigh)

[cat03]

how we perceive them in our heart determines how we see them in real life-honorable or dishonorable, which then controls how we treat them and react to them. If we can see them honorably, then we don't have to fight to keep our actions non-condemning.

ts only when i dwell on what he's done that i hurt

it amazes me how tall this "ladder" of progress is, each time I find myself in a new "step" thinking, wow this is so true! jac, you are on the money, each of us have 2 paths to choose from.
When we focus on the negative, nothing much can happen but hurt, we now should be able to choose not to open that pandora's box, I've been fighting w/images/thoughts of my H's SL when he was away, thoughts were assaulting me.

Those thoughts will always be hurtful..if I keep them alive by dwelling on them. But if I choose to focus on the positive side I will "feed" the good area of my brain. Must destroy the path I made in my brain that automatically makes me think of dumb stuff.