Well, I've been off the BB for several days, trying to catch up on my reading. I posted to MamaBear's thread a few minutes ago and thought I'd copy it here since it gives some insight into my sitch of late.
Quote:
How do I stop "watching and analyzing"? I am so tired of being suspicious all of the time.
Honey, if I knew, I'd write my own book. I'm not suspicious of the OW/A anymore, but of his feelings about me. There is no ILY from him. Ever. And yet, he's here and 'committed'. But it doesn't FEEL committed to me if there's no feelings with it...? Ack, anyway, should post all that crap on my own thread.
Anyway, all that to say that we analyze our S's in different areas for a LONG time. I don't want to, but I don't feel at ease and I don't know where we are emotionally, and H just feels the tension of being watched & scrutinized all the time. Yuck. It used to be a 'suspicious' watching, when I would check his email accounts and see what songs he was listening to on his iPod to gauge where his heart was. I haven't done that in a LONG time, but he still lives under that cloud from me. He said recently that it's the pressure of this whole M sitting on what he does/doesn't do, what he says/doesn't say to me, that somehow I've put the whole balance of this M in his lap. He's right, in a way, and I'm not sure how to stop that. Theories are easier than putting them into practice.
Hm. Have to copy & paste all this into my own thread. Sorry if it's a hijack, but I think some of this parallels your sitch too. H has started posting his story of the A on my blog in installments. If you haven't read any of it, you may find some of it insightful. Go here and look in the Sidebar for The Husband's Story links. Perhaps it will be helpful to you. That's why he agreed to it, to stop anyone from having an A if he could.
You know, on paper, he's doing all the right things, and yet I still feel miles away from him. I don't know when or if that will end.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
This may make no sense but I'm journaling and not going to stop to edit right now:
I'm no idiot. I knew we were distant, etc. just being civil-ish and cordial but could not put my finger on it until today. His emotions have been shoved down and buried and I assumed it was 'stuff' about the OW, but it's not. He denied that his emotions were pushed down or that he was 'hiding' something this whole time. But I knew. I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop for months. I just didn't know if I was looking for a boot, or a sandal, or a high-heel, but I knew something was coming. I don't know if the whole shoe is dropping now, but at least I see part of it coming.
Backing up a second... This month has been unbearably stressful overall. Money is horribly tight - we just found out a few days ago that our checking acct was overdrawn by over $1000 (add to that over $400 in bank fees), which is a huge stress - and an ego blow to H who is not bringing in any $ as of late.
Plus, it's becoming Fall and colder here - and that time of year is when H's job would gear up and his travel increased, and he had a lot of responsibility nationally with his company, and to the people underneath him. Everyone looked to him for the next 3 months to keep things running smoothly. The job sucked rocks for our family, but he loved being on the go and important. Contrast that to now. Barely getting by, and not even, really. So when the weather started to cool, the pain of not being a part of things this year was brought in sharp relief against the backdrop of Now.
Plus, we found out this month that everyone in his department, including the higher-ups that screwed him HARD when they found out about the A, were all promoted. H would have been a company Director if he were still there, and money would be great. (but take note: I wouldn't have H in that job again if they were sh!tting gold bars into our bank account daily).
Again, contrast that to where we are now financially. All this is really HURTING my H, and that HURT is re-surfacing in the last few weeks, escalating a lot in the last few days. We were talking sometime in the last week briefly about some of it, and he said he could hardly go anywhere in town and not see someone 'tainted' by what he did. It's like when you rob a bank, and they booby-trap the money to explode that red powder on everything. He said that everyone he sees has red powder all over them from what he did, some more than others.
I thought about that more tonight, and suddenly it occurred to me that I have the most red powder on me - yeah, duh, I knew that already - but what I just realized is that every time H looks at me he sees me thru the hurt he caused me and that is why (or part of Why) we cannot connect, and I am of NO comfort to him when I try to listen/validate/sympathize. I knew it was ringing on deaf ears, but just thought it was me SUCKING at validating. No, not entirely. It's also HIM not able, or willing, to TAKE the validation from me.
This is all complicated by the fact that I betrayed him by turning his A in to his superiors without ever confronting him first. (That's all on my first dead-locked thread for those of you not around before). That was a complete violation of the Instruction Book (The Bible, book of Matthew, chapter 18. if someone sins against you, you first go to him DIRECTLY. Then, if they don't straighten up you go get some others to work on him, etc). He's been amazing about not throwing that in my face or holding it against me permanently (well, now - but boy, it REALLY sucked to be Me this winter. I wince to think of it), and now I realize it's more to do with him burying everything for so long. His physical affection (not that it was much, but it was kisses goodbye, etc) was really like living with a cardboard cutout person lately, and I kept wondering if it was just me.
Jee-Zuss in a handbasket. Just when you think you have scaled a small summit, you plunge into a freaking sinkhole. Anyway, he said tonight that he is so hurt by what I did, and also by the people he worked for, after 5 hard (hard! no lie) years of daily sacrifice for this organization they showed no loyalty. He even used the word 'betrayal' and didn't see the irony in it at all. He said he had been ignoring that pain for the last 9 months b/c he's been so busy worrying about making sure he was 'doing the right thing' with me, and making sure I could trust him, etc etc that he had just forgotten how painful this all was. Not that he didn't make a HUGE mistake and what he did was wrong (he did, and always does, qualify his statements with that), but he was a good person prior to this one huge fcuk-up, and nobody remembers that.
sh!t on seven sticks, ya'll. what ELSE?! i want to scream at God, but every time I've done that, by gum if He doesn't show me something Else. so i believe i'll shut up right now.
damn, this is almost harder than leaving, i think.
i sent him this email just now. the first line was posted in someone else's thread (maybe by whatisis, i can't remember) and i just loved how it sounded so i expanded on that thought. have no idea how he'll take it, or if i'm just a gi-normous PIA to him with all this 'support' but so be it:
this is just a small scene in the film called " your life"
it may be the pivotal scene that changes the film it may be a mere subplot to distract you
-we won't know until we get through it, and that will be a while i think.
i think this is one of your hardest emotional times ever and i wish i was of more help. i try but i see it's not much use right now. your hurts are large and i want to help carry them, but you may never stop remembering my part in your pain (i know i don't).
i have, and will, continue to try to support you and encourage you as my team member. until -or unless- you don't want me to, or it feels like more of a burden than a comfort.
and that's a call you'll have to make, but i now understand how hard it may be to see me as Me. untainted by what's happened. now it all makes more sense - how i'm unable to comfort you or be of any help in your struggle. gosh, that's hard. i may be covered in red powder, but i'm the wife who loves you, who wants to be in a solid, laughing marriage with you. maybe you'll never see me w/out seeing your own hurt, but for now i choose to believe you will. and that i will too.
on the flip side, i remember hearing a sermon about how when we are saved, that God cannot look at us without seeing us thru the blood of Jesus. That no matter how fcuked up we are, or what we have done, that Jesus stands in the middle and God looks thru the Red to see us pure. remember that. i try to.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
RB, at first glance I thought you were telling ME to get out and go make a fresh start alone, and my heart just went THUD.
This is a wonderful place to live (other than the whole affair thing being known) - and the schools are fantastic. Our kids are thriving in them, and that's one of the main reasons we stay. Plus, hello? did you not read that we are $1400 in the hole my friend? not exactly a time to up and have moving costs.
i understand what you're saying though. perhaps there'll be a time to move, but i don't think it's now. plus, my H feels betrayed by the world really. moving away won't solve much just yet. he's at a what's-the-point-of-trying-hard-and-being-a-good-person-when-one-mistake-ruins-your-entire-life crossroads.
But thanks for checking in to Hotel Insanity for a minute with me here.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Leaving for work in a minute, wanted to check in to post a thought and H's answer to my email last night.
First off, again he came to bed on Dracula's schedule. Probably 3am-ish. Never faced me, went right to sleep (he didn't know I was awake. I had actually cried myself to sleep for the first time in months, and woke up again when he came to bed). His back was to me most of the night, and while this is no big deal, it is when he turns to face my side of the bed after my alarm goes off and I'm out of bed. He's completely asleep, it's just subconscious I think.
Also, and I could be paranoid, but I think there's some truth here. H has been emotionally 'monotone' with me since the A (and even before) and he said during a discussion sometime recently, 'what if this is really who i am?" (b/c I was saying he had all this emotion in the A and then it disappeared and there's no great passion in him now). his argument is that the A wasn't real, was ridiculous, a fantasy, all the right words. but he still remains 'hidden' to me. Part of that is the hurt that I posted about last night, and this a.m. I started thinking that what if it's suppressed as a defense mechanism? As in: the last time I had a lot of emotions, my world fell apart, so I can't trust myself to have any emotions. Do you think that's a possible H thought process?
Anyway, with that out of the way, and the fact that I'll be late for work if I don't go now, here is H's email back to me from last night:
I am hurting, and I am struggling to not blame anyone for what I did, but also struggling with what was done to me. This season is going to be very hard, for the reasons I talked about. I don't know how to deal with all of this. I think I have been trying so long to stay accountable to my actions that I have forgotten everything else that went wrong.
The fact remains, though, that I too am a victim, and that may never be resolved. There is no triumphal entry through the gates for me; just that lonely and overwhleming feeling that I have lost it all.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
There is alot of sadness in your H's post. In so many ways he has a point. He is being judged by actions he took in his personal life that in no way reflect on his professional expertise. This is an issue that affected his M....and impacts YOU.
I say this b/c my H is also now being crucifed for his A....no revelation on my part....he was seen by others and the gossip mill just got started. I don't feel sorry for H, it was his dumb mistake. And it's really humiliating to me. BUT, when things started biting him professionally, I did think that was irrelevant....he's a good clinician....a sleezebag, but a good clinician. But in H's case, he's letting things fall at work too, all on his own.
I really think facing this hurdle is meant to be part of your H's growth through this experience. To fall and get back up is one of the hardest things you can do. My brother, who went through a "crisis" of sorts after dropping medical school AFTER finishing (then he went back and got back in the field, but had to explain 2 missed years), said it was the hardest and best experience of his life to fall, get back up and to face the music and consequences of what you did....to sit there in interview seats and answer why you screwed up your life for 2 years. He broke down many times, but still came through.
I think the same is for your H. I think the best advice I have for you is that your H is dealing with the consequences and ripples of HIS life....it's hard to let go when you're living in the same house and M. BUT, he's finishing up the phase of his own life that he walked down when he started the A. So, leave him be. Let him sort through this, and be a friend and parter from afar. Be supportive, validate and no pressure, only when he seeks it. If he does not, trust that he's working through things.
Always, thank you for your insight. I am still attached like a Siamese-freaking-twin to the outcome, I'm noticing. I haven't dropped the rope worth a flip, and am still in What's In It for Me Mode, I think, on a very basic level. Still working thru that idea, what it means, and what the heck I plan to do about it.
I need to be supportive and not so fcuking DISAPPOINTED in what I am not getting from my H. That hangs like a black cloud over the atmosphere of this house and it's UP TO ME TO CHANGE THAT, not to wait for some happy pill to descend upon the home for me to get over my disappointment and ENTITLEMENT feelings. Which is somewhat understandable, but one hell of a cheesless tunnel here.
Slowly posted this on Sven the Red's thread a few months back (in Piecing) and it's true true true, people:
Quote: While we are DBing in ernest, progress (or developments anyway) seem to happen almost on a daily basis, and the good and bad are quite obvious.
Once we are Piecing, changes are far more subtle, but perhaps more sustained? And the LBS who has been doing most of the heavy lifting is left to wonder, when is the acknowledgement and return on effort going to be evident? And I think it really is up to us to re-frame what develops as the return we have been looking for.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
This is a great phrase. I love it. If you keep putting your hand on the stove and it keeps burning; ya gotta do something different. If you do the same things and expect other results...your a fool.
BI, When I read this it was like, wow!! She knows exactly how I am feeling, except that you are so much better than I at putting words to your feelings.
Quote: I need to be supportive and not so fcuking DISAPPOINTED in what I am not getting from my H. That hangs like a black cloud over the atmosphere of this house and it's UP TO ME TO CHANGE THAT, not to wait for some happy pill to descend upon the home for me to get over my disappointment and ENTITLEMENT feelings. Which is somewhat understandable, but one hell of a cheesless tunnel here.
He's completely asleep, it's just subconscious I think.