It seems the prevailing issue you have in your M right now is that your H wants acknowledgement that you are working on the M. You feel like you ARE, although to H it feels like you aren't.
Since you are in agreement about working on your M, why don't you just ask H what he would like to see you doing? Perhaps ask him to "set some goals" for your M and to give you the list. And maybe you could do the same. A short list - maybe just 2-3 things that you can each focus on.
It just seems that since the dialogue is there to work on your M, then being direct is in order. You can't mind-read (or can you?? LOL). So, would swapping a list of goals be something you & H can do?
Bless you guys for checking in. I am working like a hostage this week, so my posts have dwindled. Will be back in a few more days, I work nights thru the weekend. MC was a good session, as good as the prior one I thought. EXCEPT that she gives us 'homework' to do, and WE DON'T DO THEM. Not because I don't want to, but I'll remind H a few times and then STOP b/c dammit, if it was important to him he would fcuking DO it. Roadblock there. I'll fill in details on this when I've got the time, I promise. We see her again next wednesday a.m., so we DO have time to get it done, and I will mention it once or twice and see if he makes it a priority. or not. again.
Oh, so much to tell you the temptation is strong to stay online, but MUST sleep for work.
Do read H's post on my blog if you've not already and comment to it, and/or tell me here your impressions (before I tell you mine)
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
BI, i want to read and post to you SO BAD but my puter keeps locking up. our sits are So similar...and i was really interested in what your h wrote inyou r blog as i think it will help me jhnderstand my h. i want to read it!! soon i hope.
i managed to stay online...i wanted to post a comment but don't want to take time to set up an account. so, here it is:
"i am really looking forward to reading more. my husband is in the midst of an affair, and he too leads his 'public' life (which i WAS part of) and then his private life...it's like being married to two different people.
i want to understand--i DO understand. Affairs are really easy to fall into...its hard to keep your head clear in the emotional jungle. None of us can judge until we've been in those shoes. I can't condemn my husband, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. jacqm" you can passit on if you like, BI jacqm
Girl, I had no idea my comments were limited to registered users w/out your input. I have gone and fixed THAT, thank you and also copied your comment to H's post. Many are waiting for his next post, but I bite my tongue not to yell "come ON, man!"
just worked the last 5 out of 6 days and had a you-deserve-a-break-today glass of wine whilst checking email in the bed. ahhh. supposed to work tomorrow as well, but there's a chance I won't so I've stayed up later than I should. yawn.
missing you guys, will try to catch up on reading a few threads and hope to post tomorrow night or wednesday (D6 7th birthday!)
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Believing, you and i could be reflections of each other. I read on your blog your issues from your past, your needs, physical expectations and experiences, and I share those same issues/needs. H and I are also switched in the usual gender roles. You mentioned on your blog about reflecting on your past-- what have you come up with? Have you learned to deal with/control your issues/needs? I'm curious, as now that i'm "separated" and H is pushing for the D, i'm being bombarded by longings and opportunities that i'm trying to fight. It's such a battle! when you feel so rejected, and you crave someone to just put their arm around you.... Did you find it hard to trust men? Assume that they really only wanted sex, so all their talk of love was aimed towards that one thing; that they didn't really mean what they said? that you didn't really deserve that kind of devotion, so therefore, they had to be lying? and, having given your trust finally to one man (your H) and then he goes and has an affair (and, in my case, wants a divorce), this just confirms what you really knew all along but were stupid enough to fall for. Do you relate to that?
sorry to hijack this, but i wanted to ask you. I'll post same on my thread. jacqm
Jacqm, my sweet friend, thanks for checking in. If I had some freaking answers I'd bottle it and we'd all be happy, yes? No, I'm nowhere near dealing with all I have mulled over in the last few weeks, but I'm less an ostrich than ever before so I'm happy with that for now.
I've always had trust issues with men, so this really f's me up on a lot of levels. Have no idea all the ramifications of it, but I am still waiting for H to be secretly longing to get out of the M, etc. It's an underlying fear (sometimes an underlying panic) that effects a lot of what I do/think/act, I believe.
With that said, I'm going to write some concrete things here about what I've done this week in the 180 department. Noticed? no idea. But have to say I am quite content with myself regardless.
First off, as I mentioned before, I grew up in a crappy house with a lot of b*tching and sarcasm and snippy tones. Very mean undercurrents going on, and one of the things I disliked the most there (aside from the outright abuse) were the tones of voice in my household of origin. I cannot emphasize this enough. People were always negative, even to the point of arguing with the TV, finding the worst in every situation, etc. and the TONE of voice just was so sharp-edged and wounding.
Well, true to form, what I hated the most I have become. My tone of voice can be just like my mother's, when I'm impatient, mad, or selfish. Or even when I'm none of the above. Was just hard-wired in there way back when.
I've made a real effort post-A (when I had all the reason in the world to be a tone-of-voice nazi) to not be that person. I have failed miserably for the most part on COUNTLESS occasions since December, trust me. But the awareness of what my goal is and what I'm trying to do is big for me, Ms. Don't-Look-At-Anything-Negative-About-Self-And-Actually-Try-To-Change-It.
But lately (as in the last few days consistently) I HAVE been really changing my tone of voice in all situations. Not doormat-ish, just softer and more friendly.
I had been noticing my voice when I dealt with relative strangers, just saying 'hello' and 'thank you' at my gym to the trainers, etc., that my voice was really nice and I kept thinking about it. Like, wow, I do have a pleasant voice if I can just harness it at home with my family. So I've been attempting that more, and this week it seems to be sticking more often, praise God. So that's happy 180 Number One.
Number Two is somewhat related to the voice. My daughter just turned 7 and her party is tomorrow. Every year, I turn into stark-raving-stepford-lunatic-b*tch in preparation for her parties. The invitations, decorations, etc must be perfect. Yes, b/c I love my child, but I mow down everyone in the house during the prep and am tense as crap. God, what a nightmare I have been. ugh.
Anyway, last year we had a nice party for her, and I remember H said afterward (trying to point out things about me that I was not seeing) that I had been rude/short with him in front of the parents at the party (some unimportant crap about bringing out the hot dogs, who knows?). And you know, I just hadn't really noticed. And quite honestly, didn't much give a sh!t b/c again, I have been a real b*tch in my former life.
Well, about 3 months after that, my world caved in and I remember this example of something that humiliated (emasculated?) him, b/c I just never hardly showed him real respect after a while.
SO. Fast forward to this week. I am so laid back about this party it is wonderful. Everything is still really nice, but it's not down-to-the-minute perfect. Things I would have prepped ahead of time, I am turning into a craft for the girls to do themselves and have fun with (decorating their goody bags). AND, big incident tonight. Weeks ago, I ordered a pinata on ebay, paid WAY too much money for it and too much to ship it. Basically was an idiot because my D7 wanted a certain one, and I couldn't find it anywhere else, nevermind that we are on the brink of financial ruin. Caution to the wind!
So, H and I opened it up when it arrived, looked at it and I boxed it back up and put it in the garage on his work desk to be worried with closer to time (i.e. tonight) when we needed to fill it with candy. So, here's tonight. That box cannot be found, and we think that perhaps H took it to the dump thinking it was an empty shipping box b/c hey, pinatas are so light the box weighed nothing. Old Me? Would've fcuking KILLED him, raged from one end of the house to the other about how he had ruined his D's birthday. Not so obviously b*tchy, mind you, just subtly jabbing him with barbs all night. New Me? Never raised my voice, or changed it from my friendly tone, said it was no big deal, it was nobody's fault,we'll think of something else to do for a game. Went upstairs to calmly break the news to D that we'd lost it (with H silently at the bedside, feeling like crap by himself) and sweet girl said "that's okay" and we thought of another game to play with the candy. Crisis over, very expensive pinata gone and all is well regardless. And I never brought it up again. Went on about my business, no seething, no nothing. Just forgot about it. Over and out.
Sounds lame, but this is HUGE ya'll. I swear. Did H jump up and down and have a parade for me? No. b/c even if he noted the change to himself (which I have no idea), he needs to see this change longterm to feel 'safe' about it, I am sure. But I felt so at peace about the way I was (compared to the old me) tonight, I wanted to take out a full page ad in my paper! Look! I can change! I may bring it up at MC next week if the opportunity presents itself. If not, that's okay too.
There's always more to talk about, but I had to share these 180s with you guys b/c I've just NOT been really good at them so far but finally I am having some success. Even if H never cares about them, I do. I want to be more of this person in ANY R that I have, be it this one or with another man (God forbid, but ya gotta think about it). I'm so grateful for this chance to fix my garbage permanently.
Not like I won't still fall down and fail at times, but I am happy with the forward movement
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
oh, Believing, that is so fantastic about your attitude improvements! Not getting angry, not being bitingly sarcastic...those are such great leaps!
the one thing i've read in the bible that i am trying to remember: "whatsoever is kind, pure, beautiful, etc etc; think on THESE things" God knows that what we dwell on (which is a CHOICE) is what controls our attitudes. if we focus on the good things and let the (relatively speaking) small stuff go, then our attitudes are more loving.
The pinata thing is BIG-you did so Good, Girl!!!
another bible thing i read a lot is James--he talkes so much about controlling the tongue. I had a hard time with the tongue-when i got angry or hurt inside (for i never showed it on the outside), i was able to say hurtful things "in honesty" or as "humor"; not in meanness (huh???) i think as a 'passive-agressive' thing. i'm trying to learn to control that. trying, because we don't have that much contact, so its hard to get a chance to work at it.
oh well. hey, have a great day, and i hope your daughter has a super bday!!! jacqm
