My Glass is Almost Empty, BI_43 part 2

[RBinBR]

BI, I agree that there is little that can be done as long as you and your H continue to lead separate lives. Is there any way that you can get a sitter and plan something fun out of the house for you to do together? Not a movie or dinner ... something fun for him, tied directly to his interests, whether that's a ballgame, concert, amusement park, etc.

[MuddleThrough]

Well he doesn't want THAT, he wants me to acknowledge his efforts in THE R (which is way harder to do, b/c it's more vague & our perspectives are different about it): to thank him for spending time with me talking about his day when he never did that before. He still doesn't do much of it now, IMO, but apparently HE VIEWS it as a large amount of time and effort.

You need to know what needs to be improved from his perspective and what he's doing to improve it. Then, and only then will you be able to really see his strides for what they are. There shouldn't be mindreading involved. You also will be GENUINE in your acknowledgment of his efforts because you will recognize that he's doing what he set out to do, not doing things differently that you may or may not attribute to conscious effort on his part. Get it all out there and be methodical about it!

[JokerMan]

B.I.

Well you are obviously a Christian. Here is one for you:

Matt. 19:26
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

What is possible B.I.? Your marriage? Your sanity? Your happiness?

You have something I do not and many do not. You have the trust to lay things down at the feet of God and feel the comfort because of it. You have that strength.

Lay it down hon. Just let Him worry about it. He is big enough to.

Not much more advice just following along.

- JM

[believing_isaiah43]

as always, so grateful for your honest replies.

And JM, you are right and we just had this discussion tonight (get out of my house, man!) about how I need to lay down my incessant need to control my surroundings in order to avoid pain/hurt, to make sure something is not going to sideswipe me again (always one of my issues, now more cemented/justified to me by the A and my 'need' to have a 'handle on' my H and my radar is always tuned into him).

He said tonight that he (H) can't be the one I depend on to make me whole - only God can fill that hole I have - which I KNOW, but I'm unable to completely let GO of it. Even when I 'detached' from him the previous week and 'let him be', he said he could feel it that I hadn't detached in my heart (he's way too damned perceptive for my good) and he still felt analyzed and scrutinized with his every move, even when I don't say anything to him.

This is one of our 2 biggest relationship "crazy cycles" and if we can take the 'need to control out of fear' component out of this cycle that we could perhaps move foward. (Cycle 1: he withdrawls, i feel the need to hunt him down and flush him out, he runs away harder. Cycle 2 is the sex/physical thing, except our roles are reversed from 'normal' genders and I want sex in order to FEEL intimacy and he wants intimacy first to want sex)

But, he did say that one of the reasons he has hope for us is that we KNOW what our problems are, we just have to work thru them. That's why we have a C, and why we're seeing her again on Monday (finally!) . This road is a pain in my a$$ to travel, that's for sure. I wish I didn't love him SO damned much. But I do, and now I have to figure out MY work - and quit worrying so much about what HE'S not doing but about what I'M not doing. (groan. it's so much easier to b*itch about the other person, isn't it?)

[JokerMan]

****only God can fill that hole I have - which I KNOW

y'all both have a hole. A void if you will. Trying to figure out how to fill that hole is life.

****but I'm unable to completely let GO of it

Yes you can.

****But, he did say that one of the reasons he has hope for us is that we KNOW what our problems are, we just have to work thru them.

That's half the problem.

**** it's so much easier to b*itch about the other person, isn't it

No it is just easier to b^itch and not work on a solution.

You a good gal B.I. I can sense that. I think you are trying to hard, but that is in your nature.

[believing_isaiah43]

God love him, he's sent me the first of a zillion installments and you can read him on my blog as of now. I would sure appreciate any encouragement to him in the Comments section as you see fit (JokerMan? GH? Bueller? ) and also I'm dying to hear your impression of it here as well.

JM, thanks for your encouragement, you are a good man too.

[JokerMan]

****JM, thanks for your encouragement, you are a good man too.

UMMMM you may want to ask my wife...she may disagree

I read his post. He is a good writer. When is the next installment? I commented on his blog.

The fact he is writing about it is a good thing. I never really thought about it until now...when I wrote about my affair is when I began my clarity. To put things in writing takes actions of the mind and the body.

[believing_isaiah43]

Thanks JM. Soon, I hope. I don't want to nag him about it. I was hoping to wake up today with an installation in my email b/c he was up so late last night, but alas , tis none.

He had started writing about it, and how people were treating him, right after it was exposed, just for his own sanity I think. But he was still in the A, lying to people that he was not in contact with OW, and he just quit the writing and emailed OW for 5 weeks. It's been long enough (I hope) since it ended in January for him to look back and write about it now.

Had MC yesterday, lots of good insights. Will post more about that later today. My sinuses are exploding and I am hoping it's just change-of-season allergies and not a full-on illness coming. As the breadwinner now (with no sick days), I can't be sick

[grasshopper]

Well he doesn't want THAT, he wants me to acknowledge his efforts in THE R (which is way harder to do, b/c it's more vague & our perspectives are different about it): to thank him for spending time with me talking about his day when he never did that before. He still doesn't do much of it now, IMO, but apparently HE VIEWS it as a large amount of time and effort.

Here, here. My W wants the same thing, and then in the next sentence, she'll tell me how unsure she still is about everything. I guess to us, that kind of thing makes us want to affirm LESS not more. I guess we need to understand that they are looking towards us to make them feel ok about what they are doing, or not doing.

...he leaves OW and returns to the M, but we continue to have an SSM? WTF? where did all of his passion/emotions go? They surfaced, I witnessed them, you can't deny you have them. It's like the Lost Colony: poof! disappeared. <insert suicidal tendencies here> j/k

Amen here too. My W, the one who throughout our entire marriage has been the one who resisted sex or who at the very least was not passionate about it (lots of it my fault, BTW) had this admittedly torrid affair with lots of passion, etc, then when she's back in "us" she is back to being her old, cold self.

I hate that too, but as you said, it's REALLY complicated.

While I said my W wants affirmation, I REALLY want it too and I think you and my W suffer from that same "this is stupid to have to tell him the same damn thing over and over again" mentality. I can only tell you that there are certain things that I don't think I could EVER hear enough of and almost all of them would just be simple words of appreciation from my W. I can't tell you what words to use, but rest assured, using the same ones over and over again may not be nearly as trite as you think.

GH

[cat03]

He said tonight that he (H) can't be the one I depend on to make me whole - only God can fill that hole I have - which I KNOW, but I'm unable to completely let GO of it...
... the sex/physical thing, except our roles are reversed from 'normal' genders and I want sex in order to FEEL intimacy and he wants intimacy first to want sex)

BI, we are so in the same pg. Sunday during an argument he told me how whatever I need I need to look for it elsewhere (affirmation, solace) because at this moment he is still broken and can't give me anything, we do ML but other than that there is no affection unless it comes from me, he receives it but that's about it.

Same with sex, you wrote down exactly what's going on with us. At the begining he told me "it didnt feel the same" and this Sunday told me he felt ashamed & that's why he wan'st into it as before.

It's so hard for us women go without affection, I guess for the time being we need to try to fit a square peg into a round hole BI, fill ourselves w/other distractions and step back from our expectations just a bit.