My Glass is Almost Empty, BI_43 part 2

[grasshopper]

GH has often talked about taking risks, and I think...

OMG! I'm being quoted now as if I'm some kind of expert, lol. No I get to quote OT and MY experts, you don't get to quote me, lol.

GH

P.S. BI, I think you are doing fine. Muddle has it right on as far as I am concerned. You need to be true to yourself as much as you can while recognizing the things that may not be true to the "new" you as much as you can. My point is that if being controlling is something you don't want to be and you can clearly identify an upcomming action as that, then just don't do it. So, ok, I correct myself, be true to who you want to be, and yes, if you have to risk who you ARE to do that, then by all means do so.

[believing_isaiah43]

GH, thanks a million for posting to my thread during your limited internet time. I take that as a compliment and I am thankful for all of you here. Do you think I say that enough? Well, I don't care, I'll say it again: I am SO thankful for finding this BB and the wise, compassionate, friendly, good people on it. All of us here could use more affirmation, I'll venture to say, since we're not getting enough from our WAS's, so I'll step up and do it tonight: you guys ROCK. Your spouses have lost their fcuking minds to be so blind to the wonderment that is YOU. I'd marry you all if I could! ha

Anyway, MC on Thursday was so calm. We spoke of the 2 month thing, where we are, why H feels so far away from me, lots of things. All in a respectful, thoughtful manner. our discussion was so good, I thought. Plus, we rode together to and from the appt, and usually we just meet there in separate cars and leave separately too. I made a point to thank him for us riding together, it was nice. I didn't mention the C appt at all until that night, as he was leaving the room to go downstairs and asked him what he thought. He was nonplussed, it seemed. I expected him to be more enthusiastic (well, wrong word: maybe more 'on board') about the positive-ness of the MC session. and i think he said "okay" to describe it. frustration. he's just off in the cocoon, there. <insert fuming little gremlin here, if we had one with smoke out of his ears>

I have been Miss Detached of late. I could win a bloody award. "And the winner for most detached and cheerful in the face of flat marital relations goes to..."

But the Lord has seen fit to give me SO many little God McNuggets this week. At my hospital, the VP of Patient Care told me that a friend of one of my patients this week found her to compliment me on taking "excellent" care of her friend (anaphylaxis from bee sting), and the VP told me she was going to write it up and give it to my Director for my file. Yay! You know, I know I'm a pretty decent nurse, but when people write glowing letters about our care here, they never mention me by name as they do others, so this was a first and really exciting for me. H was proud, but again, not as 'on board' with the enthusiasm as he normally would have been.

Then my blog has been receiving some comments here and there from strangers, which is nice for sure, but I went to the blog of one of my commenters, and her entire post for that day was about my blog! OMGosh, you have no idea! What a fat fat compliment. I was shocked and couldn't stop smiling for an hour, and I think it's because for the first time in a WHILE I really felt validated. And by damn, it felt wonderful. Told H that night, again lukewarm reaction. Hello?! WTF, but okay. Still winning my detached award.

Last night we watched a DVD together (we rented the 1st season of "24" and have been watching one episode at a time), sitting on the same piece of furniture (1 point) and my feet tucked under his thighs (1 point). I didn't try for any other contact, and when it was over, I go upstairs and he goes downstairs. Moi, being my award-winning self the whole time. I sent him an email that said only"Thanks for spending a little time with me tonight" and he replied "Let's do it again." Another point awarded, but trying not to read much into it.

Then yesterday, I asked him if he'd be interested in writing some things for my blog, from the 'unfaithful's point of view, and he will be, so as soon as that's done I'm going to post here and make you guys all go read what he's written, and give him lots of comments. I'll keep you informed, I'm actually pretty excited about that so I hope he can stay in touch with his authentic self thru it. we'll see.

This is life and it's weirdness in a nutshell; leaving a few things out, but am pooped and will check in again later. This was my 3rd day off - woo! - but go back tomorrow for 3 nights in a row. groan.

[jacqm]

Believing:
I'm glad i read your blog; I've copied part of it into my journal:
<<But I know what I believe. I choose to stay here. I choose to love him. I choose to believe God's promises for marriage ... that He desires to mold a marriage to be a reflection of His glory, passion, and love ... that my marriage is not excluded from His blessing list. I refuse to keep God in a box any longer while I handle it in my own strength. >>

I needed to hear this today, as i've spent the past hours on and off in tears. will post in my thread, i don't want to hijack yours but i'm having a hard time trying to hang onto my sanity, my hope, my faith through this.

all i can say to you is detach, detach, detach...
in my head, i know that if you give it to God, He can heal everything. i KNOW this, even if i can't DO it right now.
jacqm

[JokerMan]

FWIW I am one of your "lurking" friends.

[believing_isaiah43]

Dang, Jokerman, I'm honored!
I'm one of yours too.
When my H posts his side of the story on my blog, I definitely want you to be one of the people who comments on it (and to call bullsh!t on anything that doesn't appear truthful) - he has nobody to speak to about this from a mentor/friend position, and I don't know how much he's really addressing in himself or just stuffing away for the sake of being 'proper' - you know?
I am really anxious to get his posts up this week, just hoping he won't drag his feet (ooh, I'm a poet. ha)

Jacqm, honey, I'm off to read your thread. Girl, you are doing hard work and have been so positive, let yourself fall down every once in a while. It's okay, just pick yourself back up before you leave the house. I of course can't fall apart in the house, so it's usually in the car for me. This sh!t is hard, girlfriend. We'll hang out together and make it. I don't know what I would have done the last 3 months without this BB - I wish I had found it during the A, I would've made less mistakes I'm sure. I wish our spouses had one like it for their own perspective/support.

Thanks to the both of you - sending hugs to you on this Sunday morning.

[jacqm]

Hi BI
I didn't post to my thread the other night afterall; feel so nekkid there since i found how easy it was for ANYone to access it...no privacy to the rawness we show here. not that this is any better, but wht the hey.
i'll go post now.
take care--
jm

[believing_isaiah43]

Muddle posted this thought in his thread, and it really spoke to me loudly:

I have to admit that I feel a bit strange sometimes talking to her, like I have so much to hold back.

Amen, my brother. I want to be wide open, but there's the tiptoeing you must do b/c of the damned circumstances. I am frustrated.

I've just worked a string of 3 nights in a row, so I'm exhausted and disconnected, but we have MC in the morning and I'll catch ya'll up after that session.

[MuddleThrough]

Well, to add a little something to that, my W has mentioned that she thinks I'm being fake and/or two faced - telling her one thing and thinking or telling other people another. Well, what do you expect? It's not helpful to try and tell the truth about what I see to someone who's trying to avoid it at all costs!

It's good to have a place like this forum to release our feelings and thoughts without worrying about being judged or damaging our sitches. My W used to be the one person I told everything to, and she told me everything. I miss it, but at the same time, I think this is a challenge that I need in my life - to find inner strength and confidence about my self without the validation from my W.

Hope you counselling session went well!

[believing_isaiah43]

MC session had to be reschedled as we had to get D6 from school for possible pinkeye. fun times. Dr appt at 1:30 - big groan (we avoid them since loss of H job/insurance. OMGosh, the price of non-copay Rx's is freaking horrible)

Anyway, I was a bit melancholy today and H was all over me: what's wrong? what do you want to talk about? what do you not want to talk about? what's the matter today? I did my best not to bite his head off, but hello, if I had acted that way with him, he would have accused me of 'smothering' him five ways from sunday. I did point out that contradiction to him.

I'm not happy that we had to put off MC until Monday, and frankly I'm unhappy about the STATE OF MY FREAKING R/M forpetessake. Get a clue.

To give him some credit, he is writing some A/M/R stuff to post on my blog, so he'll be a regular 'contributor' and I look forward to seeing what he has to say/how he puts it, and where he sees our "state of the union" vs. how I do. He's been working on it for a while, so I'll let you know when it goes up, so you can all go see what the devil he has to say. Probably won't be the riot popularity of the JokerMan threads, but he's a good writer, so it should be entertaining and hopefully insightful.

So that's the state of affairs here in BI-ville on Thursday. Beige and Boring. Do not want to continue to live a life where my internet friends are the best thing around. I'm irritated today by that. This R could be so much MORE than we have, but I don't know how we get there from here. sigh.

[cat03]

Hey toots, cheer up! I know it could be so much better, but it also could be so much worse. I'm totally amazed your H would agree to post on your blog knowing it mentions him as a cheater, my H would've rather cut his arm w/a rusty.
ANYways, hun, I hate it to put it this way, but you have it so much better than others here (ok, me LoL) He actually is reaching out and asking how you are feeling. I told my H last night I was having anxiety and barely sleeping... and you could hear the crickets chirping. Or maybe he was too ashamed to say anything since we all know what I've been thinking of.

Give your H the benefit of the doubth always, think the best you can think of when you think he is being a clod, I am fighting to do so to, that' s one thing we talked about in MC last time.

So here is a lollypop, now stop pouting and see your glass as half full)))))))