I'm doing well. I turned my dossier in to the university. I won't know the results til as late as April, tho. Its been an eye-opening process, reviewing what I've done and explaining why. This review has really helped me to consider and plan what I want to do in the future. A bit like DBing makes one consider one's actions in the M, and planning for that future R - either with the WAS or without.
In my case, the process has been very moving. While there have been some negative blips, like a few folks attempting to smear me, I have had an overwhelming positive response from colleagues and former graduate students who have written me letters of support. One that I read this morning (the student cc'd me) brought me to tears, as it was very moving to see what he valued about my teaching and supervision. It was as if the kids are listening and taking in the very things I'm attempting to say or teach. A very different outcome than my interactions with my XW, who seemed to be hearing another language/direction/motive behind my actions based on love or caring.
I am trying to get back in the saddle regarding self-care, as I've gained ~15 lbs since the D diet, and lost significant muscle since experiencing the calf tear. I did run 3 miles last night. I wanted to do 6-7, but I pooped out - likely due to pure lack of sufficient sleep.
In terms of S7 and the XW, his teacher noted that he seemed extra tired on Wed and was weepy, and he was the same with me. When I gently inquired about his bedtime, he shared with me, and XW confirmed later that she had had a party the night before. I don't picture a raging party, likely a gathering of friends, but regardless - why on a school night? I shared with her that S7 needs a good 10-11 hrs of sleep a night. With an eyeroll, she lied by saying "S7 goes to bed every night by 8." Not true regarding last night, and as I've called in the past at 7:45 and found them out shopping.
I kept my cool and merely repeated WCB's mantra: "Document, document, document!" Today, I invited XW to a sitdown to discuss various parenting issues, hopefully leading up to changes in visitation and child support. I'd so much rather do this cooperatively than within a battle in court. It would save S7's parents ~ 40k collectively. That's at least 1 year at Stanford, hey? But then again, he's going to Cal, so what do I care? Go Cal, Beat Stanfurd!!
I don't think a resolution would come about from XW having matured - which is just fine with me, as long as the end sum is that S7 and I get more time with one another.
The weather's turning here in FL - turning incredibly gorgeous. I'll be setting my kayak out this weekend to do some maintanence (need to install a new skeg cable), then start hitting the water again. Maybe I'll take Nurse out this weekend... or perhaps just do some meandering on my own - always a pleasant outing.
Quote: I shared with her that S7 needs a good 10-11 hrs of sleep a night. With an eyeroll, she lied by saying "S7 goes to bed every night by 8." Not true regarding last night, and as I've called in the past at 7:45 and found them out shopping.
Gabe (Oh yeah, I came back to see what you were up to), I know that you are keeping your son's best interests in mind, but I'm going to be the voice of objection here. I kind of get a sense that every time there is a little blip in child rearing that you try to gently remind your ex-wife how she's supposed to parent. Some of these things happen...they would happen even if you were still together. Occasionally kids get to bed later, occasionally there may be misunderstandings about a kid being picked up and when they need picked up(ask my "wife"). Do you like when she gives you input on your parenting? Sure, she might not be doing everything perfectly, but unless it's a trend, I just don't think you need to bring it up to your ex at each occurrence. It seems controlling to me...like you are fine with her parenting so long as she does it your way. Personally I would (and do) take offense when my kids' mother does that. There are bound to be a few things that you aren't exactly in tune about. How was that for a 2X4? I'm sure it was put nicely and tactfully, but does it really need to be said on the first occasion? My kids were up late last night also and didn't get the required 10.25 hours of sleep....it happens. I don't consider it a major dilemma if they are a little out of sorts the next day.
Otherwise, things sound great for you. I need to lose about ten pounds also so I know how you feel. The weight sure jumped back on to me after the bomb diet plan took it off.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I think I'm going to chime in with my .02 here. I have to agree with Me (that sounds so funny to say). Whether you mean to or not, this probably is coming across and pretty controlling. Things rarely happen perfectly or on schedule with kids...ever. If too much expectation is instilled that everything should happen on schedule, you might be setting your little guy up for some perfectionist issues in the future, too, or some undue anxiety.
So, I would encourage you to relax a little bit. Chill, dad...everything's groovy!
And what the heck is going on with all of us gaining weight again??? I know I'm still struggling with that 10 lbs I put on after I quit smoking last year. Perhaps it's "happy fat" as they say!
I get you, JM & M. And I agree - its a cheeseless tunnel to comment on her parenting. It didn't work when we were M - why would it work now.
I do disagree that her manner of parenting is acceptable or okay for him longterm. So I will continue to document every blip that she provides, as my goal is to have my fair share of time with S7. Is this selfish? Well, yes my needs/desires are mixed in there somewhere, but I also know that he'd profit from that increase in time with me as well.
There is a notable pattern here over the past 3 wks, of XW leaving a 7 yo for 2 hrs at school - with only my phone calls to clue her in, of XW leaving S7 overnight with a child who fondled his genitals, and lesser things like forgetting to give him any lunch, or keeping him up late on school nights.
The problem is not that minor stuff happens occasionally. Its that she is so d@mn inconsistent as a person and a parent. Like any true MLCer, she is causing great confusion when she acts like the Martha Stewart of mothers - with rigid standards and harsh terms about S7's "laziness" or "sloppiness" on some days, then slips into "everything is alright" "don't get your panties in a wrinkle" messages when she's back in her flighty mode.
I've learned to detach from her nonsense. But S7 is learning about the world via her, and I hate that his world includes such an inconsistent, confusing message.
I am very flexible with him, but at an appropriate level. He gets to help choose and make dinner, he gets a choice of when to do his homework, but overall, he gets a rather consistent life with me because this will help him to predict the rules, the consequences for his behavior choices, the knowledge that "Dad will be the same Dad" when he meets me after school.
I know what you mean about flexibility and about relaxing abit in terms of not riding her about every flub-up. I need to stop with that -except when the extreme events occur - and continue to report larger events to the family court and to document smaller ones for my records.
Know that I vent here in a very different way than how I communicate with her. But I do need to stop doing that form of communication with her. She'll stay in MLC mode as long as she stays in MLC mode.
You know the beautiful thing about D? (if there is one). Its that I'm free. I'm not left holding the bag for this nonsensse. I don't have to walk around on eggshells anymore along with S7, wondering what kind of XW would show up that day, what insanely perfectionistic stance would she hold me/us to that day, only to forget it completely in 1-2 days? No more! I've created a household free of that instability, and S7 has told me in so many words that he feels at home and at peace when there. If that's what it had to take, given that she was not willing to budge on the personal changes area - so be it.
Resentment or anger apparent? Probably, but that's okay. Its going to take awhile for all of the BS, the nonsensical blaming that took place during the M to rationalize the D, to work its way out of my system.
Hey, Gabe, not that you asked... but how about a different tactic than document, document, document (which I found was a font of negative energy for me, and kept me moored in the "XH is an a-hole" mindset). What I'm suggesting is that you offer to take S7 as a favor to her. You offer to "babysit" if she needs it. You offer to have him for a weekend if she wants to go out of town.
My impression, and I could be completely wrong, is that the girl is suffering under a passel of shoulds -- she should be a good, Martha Stewart mom/she should throw parties. What an opening for you to spend more time with your son!
Making it a benefit to her, rather than a commentary on her poor parenting skills is really the key, though. The upshot is that your son would have a more consistent experience without a showdown between his parents. What do you think?
Since you're brave (or foolhardy ) enough to come around here for advice, let me throw this out.
I agree with the general consensus that you might strike XW as controlling and critical if you have too many "suggestions" too often. I can see where documenting everything would be a path to negative energy, as Michele says. (I also wonder what the family court would think of a lot of "She keeps S7 up later than I do" kinds of documents.)
If XW accepts more offers to take S7 "off her hands," you can still document that should she later try to cut you out of his life. Then you're documenting something pleasant, too.
By all means, document interactions with the child who fondled S7. Speak up to XW. Make sure S7 knows you are there for him. He needs safety more than he needs documents. I know what you said about that kid's parents, so it sounds like it's just you and XW to protect S7. If she won't, it's just you. He couldn't have a better Dad.
I still haven't heard back from the email about how I can use my travel voucher. I wonder if that's the idea. "Delay till it's expired," so maybe I'll book a trip to the Carribean for January this weekend and see if it goes through. I want to get my FL ticket soon so I can meet Kevin. Right, Kev? You're gonna be there?
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Quote: I've learned to detach from her nonsense. But S7 is learning about the world via her, and I hate that his world includes such an inconsistent, confusing message.
Perhaps the first, second, and third, frustration I have as a parent--and with all due respect to the ladies who offered gentle advice, you have to acknowledge how deep the frustration is for Dads who battle a legal mindset whose starting presumption is that the kids are better off with their mother. Unfortunately, the kids are always the top victims.
At the same time, Gabe, I'm getting my first taste of adolescent peer influences, which is just as discoincerting and equally, if not more out of your control. Thus, the only thing under your control is the environment you maintain--and you seem to be providing for that as well as you can.
In my view, there's no escaping the fact that harm will be done. Our job is to minimize it and make it as minimally disruptive as we can. I feel like I can almost guarantee you that if you do that--even if there are serious and dangerous bumps along the way, ultimately you're example will prevail.
Thanks for all this great input, folks. Merrick, I think you're spot on - that all I can control is myself, and if I stay a solid and positive presence in his young life, he will remember and be shaped by that walk and message. Thanks - I'm holding onto that one.
I had a nice weekend. I took Nurse out kayaking Sat morning. I had popped awake before 6 and couldn't fall back asleep so I went running - putting in a nice 7 mi. Unfortunately, after stretching and showering, I was very relaxed and fell asleep again, making our start to kayaking a bit late.
She reported being weepy and feeling "off", noting that she has been on the same anti-dep for several years. Thats a red flag for me, but I also know that some folks plain need the meds. Anyway, she'll be going in to discuss a different med, so that may help.
I kind of had to squelch her subtle suggestions that we not go kayaking, but she really enjoyed it once we were out - seemed to be proud talking about it to her family afterward. I'm not sure if she doesn't enjoy physical/outdoor activity or not or merely if she is unfamiliar with it. It was important for me not to merely sacrifice my interest in doing this, as we've done the 'going out to eat, going shopping' thing for her on several occasions. I just seem to go stir crazy sitting around all the time.
I met her extended family at a fam function later that afternoon. Very large Catholic family - although she grew up in an atheistic household, the influence is still there via aunts and uncles. I met her aunt who will be sponsoring her in RCIA, and we had a good talk about annulments, with two folks there in long current Ms following annulments. The failed Ms seemed to have the common factor of drug or alcohol addictions in the other spouse, but who really knows? On Sun afternoon, Nurse and I did some landscaping at her place. It was nice - she's very mellow talking & puttering, then screaming in ear-piercing tones when she runs across a bug, then back to just fine, enjoyment puttering.
No contact with S7 until Sun night despite 4 calls/messages to speak with him. That is getting old. I offered to have a sit-down meeting with XW about S7 to discuss many things, including CS, visitation, and other plans for him for the upcoming year. I plan to take any notable changes to an A to get written into a legal agreement. I had offered the meeting via email but then dropped it, so when she brought it up in person 2-3 days later, I was pleasantly surprised. As S7 and XW just went to see her parents this weekend, I'm going to let things sit for a week or so, as they tend to whip her up into a neg frenzy when they're around her, and we need as much cooperative pos influence as possible.
Its been an eye-opening process, reviewing what I've done and explaining why. This review has really helped me to consider and plan what I want to do in the future. A bit like DBing makes one consider one's actions in the M, and planning for that future R - either with the WAS or without. 
Today, I invited XW to a sitdown to discuss various parenting issues, hopefully leading up to changes in visitation and child support. I'd so much rather do this cooperatively than within a battle in court. It would save S7's parents ~ 40k collectively. That's at least 1 year at Stanford, hey? But then again, he's going to Cal, so what do I care? Go Cal, Beat Stanfurd!! 
Perhaps it's "happy fat" as they say! 