OMG, I finally got Frank posting to me again and now I've driven him under a rock, lol. Frank, please don't crawl anywhere. You thoughts are always welcome.
GH, My 2 cents on the boob job - I have often thought of having one too. Not for anyone but myself and how I feel in my own skin. Really not even for my H. It is the same as going on a diet or working out; you are doing it for yourself and your own self image.
hey, GH If you have a few minutes check in on Benwa, he's hurting bad and I think needs some good advise and empathy here. I've done what I can. Thanks.
not having a man to keep us line... I see you are still hurt.
Discrediting Anna's opinion by assigning her words a motivation though you don't know her at all and simultaneously giving the pretense of empathy. Well played.
If you only consider opinions on this board posted by folks who aren't still hurt, I'm going to guess you're more of a talker around here than a listener.
Of course, I could drop the sarcasm and you could leave out the condescension and we could just communicate directly without supposing we know the source of others' statements. But that's not as much fun and it's late and I'm tired so I'm choosing the other route for now.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Quote: Discrediting Anna's opinion by assigning her words a motivation though you don't know her at all and simultaneously giving the pretense of empathy. Well played.
Ok.
What I meant:
Anna, I have read your threads and your angry response to my post impressed me as an expression of anger at being 'single', being judged, and the hurt your husband has caused you. It was an impression, nothing else. If it hurt or offended you I am sorry as that was not my intention.
I am glad to see you are moving forward and handling your life as well as you do. You are clearly a survivor.
I know that I am glad I am NOT single, it sucks having to restart your life again after losing what you thought was your 'soulmate for life', and feeling like others are judging you and your life. Especailly when the reasons for this are 'crazy'.
I hope I was clear in my explanation that its' MEN IN BARS that I don't trust, and married woman who are in the emotional state we all were in during the DB'ing are prey, given that we all hurt and are feeling lonely. I did not mean YOU, a stable, grounded woman, I meant it in the context of GH's wife and others.
I was one of those men once (long long ago...). I know how we think.
Burgbud, you don't know me. Which is probably why my posting short responses are not clear enough since 'knowing me' would help you to realize that I care a lot more than you can imagine. I'll need to remember that not everyone knows my intended message when I don't clarify it well enough. One of the pitfalls of being used to posting to the same people over and over so I know that THEY know 'what I mean'.
Ok, stop! Larry - having heard your clarification I understand much better what you meant. You certainly aren't wrong about being hurt that I'm suddenly single, and have been dismayed by some of the reactions to my singlehood.
Wow, I leave for a few days and you all have a little spat on my thread. I feel so important, lol.
As for Frank, I am sure he cares a lot. His opinion may be a little harsh sometimes but from were I sit, most of the people here who SEEM (I say seem because who of us TRULY know the motivations of the rest of us here) to care the most often are the ones who on occasion (or maybe more than occasionally) post less than sugary things.
Frank has long been an inspiration to me and though I don't necessarily agree with everything he says, I do think he contributes positively to a lot of people's situations around here. His thought that knowing him more making his comments more palatable may or may not be true, but knowing him more may help in understanding his perspective and also in cutting him some slack in the caring department.
Aw, but what the hell do I know, get back to fighting', lol.
As for me, things are fine. There has been no more talk of boobs or anything else like that. True to form, W buried that one day later.
We SEEM to be making slow, but sure progress towards more intimacy. She continues to ask for more "closeness" from me, much more than she used to, even before all this happened.
There were two important thing thats happened this weekend, both on Sunday night. My W finally got to go out with a GF. It was not the one she was originally going out with (she bailed on her Friday night) but actually I like this one better so it was all good. She was REALLY open about the whole "have your phone on" thing and we even had a really frank conversation about her wanting to make sure I trusted her by being available 100% of the time she was out and not "seeming" like there was anything else going on. I told her I really appreciated that and most of what I needed from her was just some reassurance. She agreed 100% and told me she's been really trying to do better in that respect. This was a big first because before her pride (or whatever) caused her to get angry at the suggestion that she "check in" with me. That night she was more insistent than I was that she be in touch with me. I took the boys to a theme park for the night so we didn't really even think to call her that much. Actually she ended up calling me a few times, and me to her only once.
So, she had some fun, but they actually beat us home. She was disappointed because she wanted to stay out longer but was ok with how it went. She just wants to find one of her friends that will just "hang out" more, as she says, maybe a couple times a month, and just to get out of the house for more than 2 hours. I support her in this.
The second thing that happened was that later that night she came to bed crying. I didn't really think it was about us because things were really good all weekend up to that point. She used her generic "I don't feel so good" line but didn't expand. Finally, after me just holding her, she said she was upset because it would have been her brother's birthday the next day. To refresh your memory, or for you newbies, explain more, my W to this day is still upset over the death of her 18 year old brother when she was 19. She feels she was like a mother to him and that her parents, via their neglect and negative attitude towards him, contributed to his death, which officially was ruled an accident, but she suspects otherwise. She feels a tremendous sense of responsibility herself because she was "not there" for him when she was needed. This has been an issue from the time I met her (he died about 2 years before we met).
Anyway, she was upset and usually when she gets upset over this, which she does this time of year (today would have been his birthday and he died on her father's birthday next month) she just keeps to herself. This time, for whatever reason, she talked. She really opened up in a way she never has with me and at one point said "It sucks because I'm not ever allowed to cry or talk about this." I said "Well, you ARE allowed with me, I want you to if you want to." She responded "You never did before." To clarify, one of my worst traits for the past, well, our entire marriage, was that I always tried to fix her when she was upset, totally invalidating her feelings every time. I never understood that she probably just needed to get it out and then she would be fine. Well, this time, I did just let her talk and she gushed. More than a few times she said she was going to stop and just kept going, saying a LOT of thing she never said, and she used to talk about it all the time, especially when we first dated. It was a really powerful and intimate moment, and I am sure she felt the same way. I think maybe, for the first time, I was able to actually listen to her, comfort her and in a way, I was able to allow her to heal herself to a certain extent. It was really nice to be there for her like that.
That convo, and the one about the trust issues was very long and I am forgetting a lot but that's the gist. I may post more later.
Oh, and about my lack of posting lately. I will be posting even less because starting this week, I will have a camera mounted somewhere in my room looking over my shoulder. Supposedly, it's not for that reason, but they CAN use it to monitor us so we will probably have to cut WAY back on our internet usage I will post when I can, but alas, probably much less than before.
GH...Some of your latest post really hit home with me...I have done the same thing in the past...not listening but always trying to fix and end up invalidating. One of the things I am really working on...I think it is a small thing that can make a huge difference. Just so natural for a man to look for ways to correct the problem. I think I have been doing well so far but have to keep reminding myself to listen...don't talk...agree/empathize don't fix.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
Yea, I STILL talk A LOT but in this case, I managed to stifle my natural instinct to talk and fix but not really for the right reasons. I actually did this because lately we have been getting into our old bad habit of having late night deep conversations that ultimately usually go badly. I decided a few weeks ago that I would just not participate in these convos and try to just let them die if she tried to start one up. I have been pretty successful at this and that night I was trying to do just that, just let her vent and then let the convo die. The unexpected result was that I guess I finally made her feel safe enough to actually talk to me. Once I figured out what had happened, I did manage to keep my mouth shut for the duration, only adding a "Wow, that must have hurt" or "I can only imagine what that must have felt like" here and there. It was a different experience for me but it taught me what it feels like to truly listen, something that until that point, I doubt I had really done much of in my life, at least with my W, and especially when she really needed me to the most.
I will post when I can, but alas, probably much less than before.