***Hi gang! Here is a post from BRIDGET. She exemplifies how the 180s create change. It a step away from the "more of the same" behavior that gets you "more of the same" results. The 180s take ingenuity, and some creativity. In the end, it allows you to become a stronger, more capable person. The thing is, when you do something different, it catches your partner's attention. So, why not come up with an 180? Of course, your 180 may be different from BRIDGET, and thats fine. The thing is: DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT!!
<<I'm here to list some of the 180s and "something differents" that I did over the course of a year to save my marriage.
I would LOVE to see other people's lists, too -- please join me in counting what works:
-- Can't stop 'em "looking?" Give 'em something to look at! My H started an adult website, which freaked me out,
but I learned to do a little surfing myself, and shopped for lingerie, lipgloss and heels. I became one of the "hot babes" in person.
-- I was always the Keeper of Celebration (holiday birthday? wedding? I wrapped the gifts!) so this year
I skipped out. I didn't attend Thanksgiving or Fourth of July with grandma; went away with a girlfriend for XMAS,
signed bday cards from myself alone. Know what? Though at first he liked his bachelor ways, after a while I found him calling me on the holidays, "where are you?"
-- My H was the one who picked out the music we listened to, so it was always jazz. I like jazz. But I decided I also like funk, reggae, R&B, Calypso, arena rock bands, Japanese meditation tapes -- so I bought new CDs every week. Folk, vocalists, oldies, world beat ... hey, wanna see my new collection?
-- Along the same lines (boys do the electronics) I decided I need my OWN technology around here so I began to upgrade some equipment and learn more about computers. I took a class in digital video. I rented a pro-quality camera and am making a documentary. My editing class starts
-- I made some new friends on my own, not even worrying if my H would approve or get along with them. I went out to read the Sunday NY Times with one friend. I went to the chess club with another. Hiking? Meditation retreat? Veggie cooking class? I'll go! My H at first didn't notice or care, but he got curious, then a little jealous. I seemed to be having so much fun! (Of course I cried in my bubble bath alone, late at night, but I was beginning to see some OPTIONS in case he never came home.)
-- Probably the biggest 180 in the world for me was shutting up about our R. Not once since my H moved home
have I brought up the subject of "us." Not once have I asked "what happened back there?" I bite my tongue HARD whenever I am tempted. No recriminations. No insinuations. No retroactive blame. What happened is behind us now, in particular that thang about him chasing buxom young chicks around town.
(In fact, just writing about that right now feels like a no-no.)
-- I am a little quieter now, where I used to fill all the gaps in conversation. Adds mystery. Let 'em wonder what
-- I am a little unpredictable. Will I go to his mom's for Thanksgiving? Will I come home after work? What new
music/video/electronic device will I bring home next? Will I be driving a new car next? Who is this exciting, surprising person in the short skirts and leather jacket with faux fur? What is this new restaurant? What the heck?
-- And finally, I tell him all the time that he's cool. He's cute. He's adorable. He's my man. He's studly. He's
fine. He's lookin' sharp. He's struttin'. He's hot. You get the picture. Even though he's a little unshaven
occasionally, he's my choice and I let him know it. Does he eat it up? We all do. Does he reciprocate? As a matter of fact, he's a pretty quick study...>>
One of the first places we might want to try to do a 180 on is within ourselves. Inside of our heads, and in our thinking patterns.
How many times have we all been guilty of automatically knowing the reasons why someone is doing something? Have many times have we gone with the first "theory" that pops into our heads about a person's intentions? Have many times have we been guilty of trying to be "mind-readers", and KNOWN that the actions of another person is soley based on the intention of causing us pain?
Next time this happens to you, "try something different". Take that automatic thought, and try to envision what the total opposite of that thought might be. "Reframe" your thinking, do a "180" on it.
More often than not, we will find that the truth of the matter doesn't dwell at either extreme case, but usually falls somewhere in between.