Well, I just spent an hour with a very informational post. Don't have the strength to go into detail again.
It is over with this EA OW. He called her while I was on the phone. He still told me he loved her and not me in the way he should. I told him each time he said that a little more of my hope for our future gets stripped away, and there wasn't much hope left after finding out about the EA.
To make a very long story shorter, my H and I have been talking for almost 48 hours straight. He keeps tracking me down, grabbing me, and pushing me upstairs to lie on the bed and talk, all the while stroking my arm or face. Each time I didn't say anything. I just waited. He eventually started to talk and didn't stop for a long time. I did not interject anything, just listened and listened and listened. Then he's ask me a question, I started talking, and he just listened without interjecting. Do you think we've finally got it, folks!!
I didn't try to reason him out of his feelings. I just listened. Finally, he came to the point of saying he realized how stupid it was to say loved someone he hasn't seen in 30 years and who he doesn't really know. He realized those feelings were already diminishing the moment I found out, and then again after he talked to her with me on the phone. It was all just a fantasy they played out for each other and when it was found out it just wasn't fun anymore. And the more he had to say those things of not knowing her and not seeing her for 30 years, the more ludicrious it started to sound to him.
There is a lot more to this story. I'm tired now. But the best thing is that this morning when he came into my room, he asked me for a second (third) chance. He promised (looking me straight in the eyes, folks), that he was going to give everything he had this time to making it work. He promised our sons, too. He told me he loved me!! I didn't even have to ask him to say it. Best part was, I FELT the love this time. Wow. Then we made LOVE.
He warned me that his libido was not what it was like in the past. He did not want me to think it was me and that he was thinking of someone else. It was just what it was. He thought maybe it would return to the way it used to be, but if not, just chock it up to old age
I think God's handiwork is written all over the scenario of the past 4-5 days. I think he placed the xOW in front of me at Yosemite, which led me to wonder about what was going on, which led me to check H's VM's at work; which led me to the discovery of this EA OW; which led to H almost being thrown out of his home; which led to H having to face his sons with the sins he committed; and so on and so on. I think God said, " 'nuf is 'nuf, Mattie's H. She's had all she can take. It's time to finish this chapter of your M and move on."
My H finally had to come to terms with the ramifications and consequences of his actions. It's too bad it had to come to that. I've tried to protect him for that. In this case, I think that was a mistake. I think my H had to fully understand what he was going to lose and just how close he was to losing it.
Anyway, we have a lot of work to do still. I think -- no, I KNOW we are BOTH on the road to healing and recovery. H knows he has issues -- his issues-- that need to be dealt with. He will check into counseling.
We may go on a partial vacation afterall. Not sure yet, but if you don't hear from me I'm just out of town. Our kids said they think just the two of us should go alone. Don't know if we will. H came so very close to losing his family that I think he wants to keep us all close together.
Boy, Tuesday morning I felt my M was over. Today we're talking about continuing vacation.
My gosh Matilda, I've been keeping up with your post and the stuff I've read the past couple days have blown me away. I didn't write anything because I did not know what to say. When I read that your H was still involved with someone after assuring you that he wasn't etc. made me realize that if your H can do this mine can too. I too feel that my H and I are on the road to recovery but at any moment I know he can just tell me he's done for good this time and wants out. I live with that insecurity now. My H's thing was an EA, but he was totally out of love with me (or so he says) so that made him vulnerable to another woman. He seems to finally have his head out of his A$$ and I hope yours does too, for good this time! Good luck to you and please keep us posted. I don't think I'm the only one shocked by your updates the past couple days. Lisa
MATTIE....just read your newest post and have to say that I came away with a much better feeling than I did on the one before!! I was so sad when I read that one!! This one sounded really promising!! Sounds like your H finally had a major "break through"!! I hope he will do the C thing...it may do him more good this time. I know the long talks were very therapudic for both of you! Sounds like you both really and truly communicated this time. You have been so very strong and I am proud of you!! I am happy that things have started looking up!! Let us know how things are going. Your Friend,Pat
Your last post makes me smile. I noticed something different.
There was NO little Matilda!!! Good work handling this crisis w the adult Matilda in charge.
You have learned one of those lessons that Hurting Badly talks about. (If you don't get it right, you have to repeat the lesson).
Now, does your H really GET IT that there are boundaries that must be kept. That's his lesson. You can't be the mom about this and stay on him about it either. It's his integrity to himself that needs changing. He has to figure out what his lesson is.
"Passionate Marriage" talks about how when wedding vows are exchanged we promise to love, honor, and obey (respect) the spouse. Some of 'em feel pressured to be monagamous because they have to (promised the wifey).
This book maintains that during the ceremony each person should tack on "and I promise to hold onto myself (vowing to be monagamous to one's own integrity)".
This puts monagamy in the focus on the individual's sense of integrity and not making it some rule that has to be obeyed.
Mattie, I'm glad that you didn't fall into the pothole behind that bump in your road. Good work, Lady!
I think my H, the real one, the one I fell in love with and married is FINALLY back.
We continue to talk. He is much more open and at ease. He confided that a part of him still feels that sometime in the future I will leave him over all of this, but that he is willing to take that risk because he is finally "getting it" about how much I love him.
He is also able to tell me with much confidence now that he loves me and that he KNOWS in time he will love me with ALL of his heart. He needs to work through his issues, which he finally understands are HIS issues, with a C. He is willing to do this.
He told the kids that "mom and I are going to make it." I told him I liked the way he said it, cuz there was no negativativty in it. No, "We're going to try to work on things." He was emphatic, we are going to make it.
He confided that on our wedding day he didn't think we'd make it for the long haul. He never felt worthy of me -- not good enough. I won't go into all his reasoning right now, but that certainly answers a lot of my questions regarding "how could he do this to me." Our best friends pointed out to me that the women he was having relationships with had pretty sorid backgrounds, they could never have measured up to me -- my H felt that they were the type of women that he deserved.
Yes, he does have some serious issues to deal with. I think he is starting to get a small glimmer of the fact that he is worthy, more than worthy of having the love and devotion of not only his W, but friends and family. He's finally getting the idea that there must be something worthy enough about him that his W, family, friends would not abandon him in his time of need.
Quite the opposite. He's gotten love and support (with a healthy dose of scolding, of course), and the offer of help and guidence. He's quite literally stunned. He thought if people knew the "real" him, they would be disgusted. Just like me, the other people in H's life who know and love him know that that is NOT the real him. They are ready to stand by him and love him.
He says he feels the feelings he has/had for the EA will die quickly once they are no longer being fed by continued contact. He realizes and accepts them for what they were and that they had no basis, nothing tangible to have fostered such feelings. He says they are already going away. He promised me and the kids that he would have no contact with her whatsoever. If she contacts him, he will let me know. I just have to trust him on this.
I told him I have doubts/insecurities. I will need his help occasionally to put them to rest. We have been down this road before -- 10 months ago -- of promises and being assured there was nothing else I needed to know. You all know I've had my doubts about that. How many times had I mentioned that something wasn't right; why wasn't he acting like a man who wanted to save his M, etc.
But now I believe it's really over -- his crisis. We are not going to piece the old M back together. It is destroyed. It's in shambles. Right now we are in the process of clearing away the debris so we can start to rebuild a new R on the foundation of the old R. It was a good strong foundation of friendship and love. It held us together through our "storm of the century."
By the way, I have gotten nothing but love and support from my friends and family. No ever told me to leave the bum, he's no good. They KNOW he is good. He just didn't know how to handle what he was going through. He made very bad choices. He will always have some consequences to live from as a result, but they pale in comparison to a life without all of these people who love him so much.
My mother (whom I haven't had the closest R with for a while now), told me she wouldn't give me any advice, but she would simply support me in any decision I made. She told me she admired me, was proud of me, was in awe of the way I've handled with situation with such dignity and grace, love and compassion. She told me she didn't think she would have put up with what I have. She is proud of the person I've become. I cried as she was telling me these things. My mother's and my R will improve because of all this. Amazing how good things DO actually come out of bad. I feel the presence of God all around me. He wants all of my R's to be healed. He started with my most significant -- my M, and is moving on down the line. I can truely say now that I feel blessed.
My best friend, who I surely thought would rant and rave and tell me to throw the bum out, basically said the same as my mom -- I will support you in your decision, which is very personal an only you can make. She also told me how proud of me she was, and that she never had a clue of the pain I was going through. She understood why I couldn't tell her, but, of course, she wishes she could have helped her BF through the worst time of her life.
I am so, so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family. I am so blessed to have found this BB. I feel that those of you who have been with me for a while here were guided her by God. You were the ones who had the most to offer me. You've all helped me through my darkest times. Someday, when all of our R's are healed and we are at peace I would love to meet you all. I would love to give each and every one of you a REAL hug and kiss.
We are leaving for a week's vacation this morning. We all need it so much. This week has been the ultimate emotional roller coaster for all of us. Monday we come home from a lovely weekend of waterskiing and sightseeing (bit of a glich there with seeing the xOW); Tuesday all hell broke loose and we were on the brink of divorce; Wednesday and Thursday much HONEST OR talk culminating in a true and honest (this time) desire to make OM work. We need to have some fun.
I'm going upstairs now to wake hubby up . I post when I return.
I am happy for you....I am sad for you.....I am scared for me.
I know how you felt before you found out about EA....like everything's right on track-SORT OF. I continue to feel that way but now it's easier to ignore. I still snoop sometimes but he was always very good at covering his tracks.....they say that rebuilding trust is a two way street, however, when H's are seemingly doing everything right-then the trust thing is more or less up to us...I still am not quite there.....I know you know what I mean.....
You certainly did handle it with dignity and respect (of yourself)...and you have really grown through this whole thing.
Take it slow. Be good to yourself. And take care of your kids.
H knows what he has to do here....(funny-my H and your H share a first name....) and I do feel strongly that this time-it's HIS thing.
I read your initial post on this thread, and tried several times to post something to you, but the words never came.
Your H screwed up. again! Would this go on forever? I wanted so much to tell you that he can't be so stupid as to keep it up, but how could I?
I'm so glad that he sees the EA for what it is. Pure stupidity! The shock of it all finally showed him that he could blow true happiness for a stupid fantasy. Fantasies, by definition are not real.
So... Now he truly gets it!!! He said he loves you, and despite his recent actions, you could feel that it's true!
This is all wonderful, Mattie. Have a great vacation.
MATTIE!!!!! I AM SO VERY VERY HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!! Everyone is right, you handled this whole mess with dignity and love! You are one very special lady and I am happy to see that your H's eyes have been opened!! I have prayed for you and for him every night since we "met"!! I know prayers get answered and I am thankful that yours were answered in the way you were hoping and praying for!! I believe that God knew that you had been through enough and I believe that even though he knew more hurt was headed your way,he also knew that a real blessing would come out of that pain! I felt the exact same way when I discovered my H's A and then again when I found out he was still emailing her. That last hurt was the limit of what I could take and then God helped me and my H find our way back to eah other. Hope your vacation is full of love and happiness!! Tell all when you return !! I said an extra "thank you" to God when I read your post!! Your Friend, Pat
![[Big Grin]](images/icons/grin.gif){kind=icon}
. I post when I return.![[Razz]](images/icons/tongue.gif){kind=icon}
![[Eek!]](images/icons/shocked.gif){kind=icon}