With all that said, it is true what you say Andy about the love he has for me vs the obsession/fear/ambition/gamut-running he experiences with his work. I feel sometimes like he is as knotty a problem for me as his work is for him. Hmmmmmmm
Lost it big time last night. When H got home I couldn't stop the tears. Tried my best to tell him about my saddness without blameing him. Told him I think this could be solved with minor adjustments that aren't time consuming. Told him I was proud of his passion, endurance, and commitment to work and I hope there could be a way to not loose any of that but to find a way that isn't such torture to him and that allows us to stay connected. It did not go well. If the pattern holds true, he will be very rejecting of me and see me even more as the obstacle. What I have to do now is not see myself the same way. Took another prozac this am. I'm feeling very bad about myself and know it can get a lot worse than this. Maybe I should call my psychiatrist. I wish my H would come too but don't dare ask him.
I'm so sorry you're down in the dumps right now. It's easy for me to say he loves you despite his behavior, and it's easy for you to agree on an intillectual level.
But feelings don't follow so-called "logic".
I truly wish your H would put in some effort. I kinda suspect that he would put some effort if he wasn't so busy trying to force independence on you.
I'm not sure if this sounds right, but what I'm trying to say is that when I pursued my W, she saw it as dependence. She once told me that she feels I "need her" rather than "want her" I think she distanced in kind of a "tough love" sorta way so that I wouldn't be so dependent.
I get the impression that your H is doing the same thing.
I know it doesn't sound very DBish, but I think you should (without pressure) keep letting him know that you don't want major changes. Just a few little ones.
He's afraid that if he gives you an inch, you'll think you're a ruler.
Forcing independence? I don't know. We are pretty merged in a lot of ways. One just about as much as the other. But at the moment we don't trust each other to provide any kind of emotional safe place. I'm the optimist that keeps things going and I'm getting tired. It would be hard for us to split up but at the moment I wish I could be back with people who know and love me in my home town in some little life that he was not a part of. What I really wish is that we could cut the cr*p and put together some kind of reasonable life together.
It's ironic, but I bet he's tired of the power struggle, too. That's why he doesn't wanna give. That's why he gets short tempered when you want something.
In my case, I broke the circle by giving in completely. She thought I was controlling. Fine. I abrogated all control.
After awhile, she got sick of that. She thought I was giving up things for the wrong reasons. She thought I was giving in simply to keep the peace. She was partially right, but it was also because the only way I could think of to have an equal partnership was for both of us to think that we have one. So, it was her turn to control.
I get the impression that in your case, he’s always been the one in control, so I don’t know if this would work. I have a feeling that you just hafta keep trying to negotiate, and convince him that you’re not after complete control.
A relationship is built on negotiation. Relationships have problems when the couple doesn’t know how to negotiate.
Well step one is to calm down so I'll work on that. Speaking of work, gotta go do my commnity activist work--3 meetings today--that will probably help too. Hopefully I can help build affordable houses, improve transportation, education and the incredibly dirty air in this state in which I now live, and help young adults get their GEDs even if I can't straighten out my marriage. My house is not as neat as it used to be. My husband does not get as many gourmet meals as he used to, but too bad! Thanks for the kind words. I need to be patient with my H but not buy into his crap either!
