Think I've gotten through this little down time that started close to that 49th birthday. I'm exercising and seeing results, eating better because that is just what I want to do, no white knuckles, and doing just fine with my H working till midnight. Yahoo! Thanks for your help again. I'm sure I'll be back!
Yesterday my H showed me what he has been working on all this time. I do not know how it would be possible for him to have put so many hours into this piece of work. Either he is so depressed that he is staring at his monitor for hours, he's having an affair, or he is goofing off at his computer. In any case, he has withdrawn from our marriage big time. I went over to see him, half expecting that I'd catch him with another woman. He looks so guilty and anxious. I haven't said a word to him about my OW fears just expressed concern for him. This is not a healthy way to live. There is no way it has to be like this. What to do?
Time to exercise! That a good thing to do. I am starting to get depressed again hope exercising will help enough to avoid another go round with medication. 2L
I've been there with the depression thing. Since my major depression, I've had some tremmors. It scared the heck out of me. I've been keeping tabs on my feelings ever since, and jumped back on the meds a coupla times in order to preempt another breakdown.
Be careful.
Sounds like your H may be going through something similar. Don't jump to conclusions about OW.
I think you should just continue to do what you started. Show support, take care of yourself, and ride it out.
You are right again, Andy. I know that another reason why I'm having a hard time now is that we have new friends with a couple of young kids that we with a lot of other people were helping out because he has cancer. We just found out that the cancer has spread and they have given him 6 months to live. I lost my sister to cancer this month years ago when I was young. Life seems so unbearably cruel sometimes.
I upped my weights at the gym Fri and exercised like there was no tomorrow. The guy helping me out bet I would be surprised Monday when I tried those weights. I took a prozac this am (I took one over my birthday weekend too and it seemed to help). I have an exercise buddy who is a dear friend maybe she could go for a walk today.
I think the associations are there whether we recognize them or not. The important thing is to move past all the unavoidable pain to the most thorough acceptance you can manage and to focus on all the positive networks that are also out there. To handle our hurts and lend a hand to others when presented with an opportunity is the best a person can do.
Friday must have been an exercise breakthrough for me cause I did just fine with those weights on Monday .
This is supposed to be the last night my H works late. His project is due tomorrow. The truth is that I feel so abandoned by him and so accused of standing between him and his work that it’s going to be stressful to deal with him being around. When he is home he tends to veg out in front of the TV. It feels like he only has energy for work. Tomorrow we can watch Ireland on PBS. That will bring back some very god memories. Perhaps I should suggest a movie Thurs. I am going to be involved in a community project early that eve so we could get a bite first. That might help me ease into having him around.
I checked out marriage builders on these issues. Going to that sight makes me realize I don’t have a partner yet. My H is not interested in “points of joint agreement”. That site goes in for really being a couple. That sounds great to me but you have to have a cooperative partner for that. Sometimes I worry if the going the independent, make yourself happy route, doesn’t end up looking like Bill and Hillary’s marriage. When your spouse really doesn’t care about your needs, it seems to me that you can’t avoid some resentment. That’s how I read the marriage builder’s site anyway. It isn’t that my H doesn’t care about me, he simply puts his career first (and sometimes second, third, and fourth). If there was an emergency in the family, he would be there. If things were going well for him at work, he says he would be with me more but I think that would mean he’d be in the house watching TV. He is doing his best. He just doesn’t know any better, wants it to stay that way and wants me to be happy with things just like they are. I’d like to bring him along some because I really believe we could both be much happier.
OK. How to take that to a PMA…………. Well it would probably help to have a realistic expectation: Chances are he will always work like this at least from time to time. It is not the working, it’s the hostility that bothers me. People can stay connected even if they are very busy. He manages to keep up with the news very well could it just not be occurring to him to keep up with his wife? Could I find some creative ways to do this without interrupting? Hmmmm
How about some limits and boundaries? I will never know if all he is doing is working. With the way he is acting now combined with his history, Mother Teresa couldn’t trust the guy. That’s where my mid-nuptial agreement post comes in. That may not sound so positive but I’ve not been good about protecting myself. Maybe it is time. During the affair we made a huge investment in a house and when my H was fired we lost it all. His denial was so strong, he used absolutely no sense. I believe he has changed but that is so concerning. Now we are looking at buying another house. I’d like to be wise about this.
It would be very sad to break our family apart (my granddaughter is as close to having a child as he will ever get and loves him). I love him and want always to treat him well no matter what but truly I’d rather be alone than work through another affair. That agreement, especially if I managed to act very loving and kind to him but kind to me too, would give me a chance to say that perhaps clearer than anything else could.
With limits firmly in place, I think I could go back to my quiet, single person life style when needed and enjoy him when he is available to be enjoyed. That still is not my first choice but I might not get my first choice. Think I’ll leave him on the couch next time he parks there and go do something more interesting. Maybe I’ll find ways to influence him toward that first choice vision as I go along because I think he would like it too and just doesn’t know that it’s possible.
You posted that your H’s work comes waaaaaaaaaay before you. I think you should consider this, 2L…
You are viewing his actions and superimposing assumptions about his feelings onto that. Does he “love” his job? Perhaps, but you certainly can’t compare the “love” of an activity to the love of another person.
Apples and oranges.
And his workaholism must be at least partially motivated by fear. He lost his job once, and it could happen again. Also, men tend to define themselves (a little too much) in terms of their professions. Hard work is a sign of a “good” person.
So, the bad part is that you may be right. He may never change his behavior.
But I can’t help but think that it’s better to be loved than feared. In that respect, you have an enormous advantage over his work. Regardless of how he behaves.
The tears are coming back. Went to physical therapy for a recurring shoulder problem. It is in my H building so I stopped by to see him. He did seem genuinely glad to see me. There was going to be a party for his coworkers and he invited me. One of the coworkers is someone who my H has told that I get upset when he works late. This guy's response was something that bolstered the whole idea that I am unreasonably demanding. I AM NOT UPSET ABOUT HIS WORKING. I wouldn't care how much he worked if he would stay in touch. I know about lots of couples who hardly ever see each other but they stay close with loving phone calls, e-mails, and quality conversation during their time together. They are a team. My H views me alternately as the opposition and the job coach and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. From what he told me of their conversation it sounded to me that he has this guy thinking I'm the opposition. (He doesn't tell other people about the endless hours I've listened to his various work stories. Yes, I am angry! But NOT about listening to the stories, I'm angry because after all that I still get cast as the obstacle). I couldn't go because I started crying. It was not possible to hold back the tears. I told my H I wasn't feeling well and wasn't up to seeing all these people at the party. He seemed to think this was some kind of oppositional, disloyal behavior on my part also. I doubt he saw the tears.
I will be visiting my daughter and babysitting our granddaughter for almost 3 weeks in July. This has been pretty routine since we moved and was part of the deal for moving. I have told him that when I'm away I'd like to talk to him frequently but when I called he usually seemed bothered so I've stopped calling. He calls very rarely.
I'd really like to go back to the marriage counselor but he won't go. It feels impossible to get him to understand that I don't want to keep him from work. I know how important that is to him and want him to reach his dreams. I've sacrificed a lot for his dreams, without a second thought, because I love him and want him to get what he wants. All I want is for us to keep connected. If we don't, I think it is just a matter of time until he has another affair. I won't have an affair, can be happy about other things in my life but I don't want to spend the rest of my life putting so much energy into this marriage.
Guess I'll take another prozac. May even have to start it up again. I'm allergic to Wellbutrin and prozac blocks me sexually but that's better than frequent,uncontrolable crying.
A real 180 for me would be to stop thinking about my marriage!
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