Does he have amicable attitude and others find him approachable?
Does he understand that others can be stressed?
If he has good dealings w his co-workers then he probably is already good at negoitating to attain compromise.
He would just respectfully extend that to his son.
The trick is for the father to understand that the way he was treated may have been the "right" way for his foster parents to deal w offspring. It wasn't right for him though. Now he has a son. He can consciously choose to alter behavior pattern so that he can "be happy (in father/son R) instead of "right" (the way he himself was raised).
Thanks again Lily He was put in charge of the workplace. No management skills he did alot of screaming and yelling at the guys because owner was riding his case. He realized that first of all that really wasnt him. And it was getting him know where with the guys. He started to work with them be pleasant. Of course the boss didnt like it and he was demoted. But he is happy he doesnt have to be in charge. I guess he did learn a lesson I can grab onto to get the message across with his s I think he will make it he is trying. Thanks Lily, I do comprendez Have a great weekend Loretta (the key word here is negotiation, you are amazing
What a touching thread. Rotten childhoods sure can mess a person up but it is amazing that little things like unexpected kindnesses (like happened with those kids) can go so far to change a person's behavior. My H definitely falls into the incredibly dense category frequently and also responds to direct suggestions if they are repeated 5-10 times. I used to think his density was at least partly on purpose but now I think he just doesn't get it and I've gotten more patient with him and his "impairments".
Hi, I told the kids that we are making some headway with H. He took us out on Saturday and he bought us each a drink and a hotdog. He wasnt going to have one because he spent so much money on us. Then he changed him mind but asked to share my drink. The kids said what he spent a lousy 10 bucks on us. I told them it is a start. The wallet closed shut and was never opened again for the rest of the weekend. On the drive home we stopped to return the movies I asked if he wanted a treat for the drive home. First he said no then when he realized I was paying he said yes. This is the reason why our money can never be mixed together again. If someone is interested I would love to share how it is mixed. I dont know if I am getting a fair deal? Thanks again Loretta
A few days afer the bomb I was being paid the weekly day care fees. It had been our habit for me to hand over a certain portion of this to H. I called it his weekend cash fund---to spend on the family and/or gas. Whatever, no receipts (which I have to save for the tax stuff).
At the time I felt awkward. Afterall, he'd just said he wanted a D. I didn't know what to do. Mind you this was pre Michelle so I was doing some instinctive DB by my decision to do nothing at all. I handed over the money. Sage questioned this. I just looked at him and said that I liked him being in charge of our money and did he have a problem w that. He responded that he didn't.
Loretta, control of our finances was one of the huge problems H had w me. I'm trained in accounting and he's not. I was adamant that we do things my way; he wanted it done his way.
It had been my habit to set aside money for Christmas. I always decided the amount that would be spent, etc. Well, this year I made a 180 (had read DB by now) and handed over every penny of our money to him. He sat quietly for a few minutes and then told me that I had given him much power. I had had no idea how much that gesture would impact him.
The way we're set up these days is that I write 98% of our checks and he holds all the cash. His paychecks are funding the checking account and my paychecks are funding the spending money. So it is mixed, so to speak.
I chose not to keep any money out for just me, right now anyway. This way, H 'provides' for me as well as for the kids. He IS Mr. Deep Pockets for our family. Power.
A support friend of mine thought I was crazy to do this after the bomb. I told her that for me the trust had to start somewhere. She also wanted me to put all our accts into escrow until everything settled. I chose not to touch anything; that would have negated what I was determined to do w H.
One of the changes that I had to make (one of my lessons as Hurting Badly would say) was to not be so anal about our money. Let Sage play out one of his dreams of financial power.
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With your kids. Coach them that he is sharing w them. He is taking money out of his pocket to "provide" for them. He will need to hear graditude.
Our kids would probably quip that there dad was being selfish. I'd tell them that that goes w the condition (MLC) and to deal w it as pleasantly as possible.
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Other posters will have other ideas. You have to 'look' at your situation and figure out how best to attain the goal you want for "you".
Remember, you can't change him. You can only change the way you yourself do things. For me it was to turn over the money and give him the power.
Funny thing. Back in the early spring he told me that I should control the money; I'm better at it than him. Pyric victory.
He did go through a period of "instant gradification spending". I duct taped my mouth and quietly figured out how to shuffle money around in our accts. I think he was 'testing' me by some of this spending. I passed. After awhile he wondered aloud if we could afford these things. I just said that the "cushion' was getting low and he stopped. "Cushion" is one of the terms he likes to use to indicate the decretionary funds.
Prior to H leaving this is what he yelled at me about every morning. He made me look like an idiot always saying what do you do with your money that I give you. I was determined when he returned that he would never touch my money again.I used to turn the entire paycheck over to him every two weeks and live in overdraft for myself and the kids. The way it is working now is I pay all the bills in the house, including the hydro at cottage and that phone bill. He pays for his won car insurance and the cottage taxes. He gives me 250.00 towards his share of the bills and the rest of his money is his. I am finding that I cant pay for the large things like eavestrough replacement and Christmas. This year I have learned that because with Christmas taxes(because it dipped into RSP to complete some reno at the house) and a crown I needed work payed for half I have not come out of the whole. I am holding my own because I do have 7,000 saved in an account. He uses his money to pay off boat, my car(A gift), equipment he purchased to start own business due to unhappiness at work and car repairs. So all in all I am oK with this. I just need him to give once in awhile with the kids and we have started this. I asked him to set this money aside to treat his kids. Loretta
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