I am sitting here banging my head against my laptop .... bang bang bang... D-UH... You guys... I tell you... I can TOTALLY FREAK myself out. Andy... wish I had read your bit of coaching before my H came home very early this aft. SIGH... I can do SUCH a good BACKSLIDER!!! 18 months and I can be SUCH a rookie!!!! ok.. so here goes... H comes home I say.. so ... what's happening? You are home instead of at work how come?
He says plans have changed and "the bunch" plus a "few others" are now having their dinner tomorrow night due to circumstances beyond their control, AND it's in a very trendy part of town. THIS instead of doing obligatory duty at another work function instead.
So I don't know why I lost it... but I did. Not only are they eating dinner somewhere trendy but it's turning into a regular party. I just kind of did my bad impression of a shrewish wife and said oh great how nice... a party and kind of caught my breath before I said anything majorly bitchy. All along I am thinking in my head creating my own stupid fantasies... about, my H in some fancy trendy restaurant that we never go to with people from work and spouses are not invited. sigh....
SO I told him I had to go back to work and he wanted me to explain my irrational behavior.(it was truly awe inspiring irrational!) HOWEVER I couldn't find a way to articulate what I felt and why without sounding even more shrewish.. and completely bitchy. Given that for the past week I have been out of town eating in trendy restaurants every night with my work colleagues... I really don't have a leg to stand on. Except here is the bitchy part.... I am not saying or thinking to any of my work buddies - pass the bread and do you want to hit the sack with me baby... ( although the are a few other more choice four letter words I would use instead) So H is working at prying out of me what is bothering me and I clam up and go back to work because I can't spit out the fact that my own imagination has gone into over-drive again.
STUPID STUPID STUPID. It's been a bitch of a day all the way around... with some bad news about clients, some aggravating health stuff for me... nothing serious just bothersome, and all the way around... I am feeling just really stressed and want to run away again. as Homer Simpson would say D-OH!!! and D-OH again! Oh... and haven't even gotten to the part where it's daughter's "graduation" ( oh pul-eeeese) from Grade 8 and the party etc that is happening at school - guess when... same time as his do from school. sigh...
So... HOW do I fix this stupid little mess I have managed to get myself into. I have got to get my MSN Chat up and running on my old computer. This just sucks when I need to vent.
H of course now tip toeing around me as I try and regroup. This might just be OR time.... because the bottom line is... I am tired of king of being in purgatory... that limbo land... where yeah Andy she is probably out of his mind... but who knows ya know... and Ya ... he has me in the sack, but there are days when I feel more like a whore than a wife... and then there are days most of them, when I think... yep.. we are gonna make it. But who knows... because he nevers says nuttin! sigh... oh kay... I haven't had a really good rant in awhile... must be everything just piling up here... thanks for listening evenryone. I need a good dose of Lily-talk I think!
more breathing...... and more sucking it up... tree
Treesa, how long ago did he disclose this fantasy lady to you?
Sage did more than have a fantasy; he made the dead-end trip. One thing that I picked up on thru reading Hurting Badly's threads was that if the guy then becomes absorbed in his work he is probably done w the ow. Changed my view on Sage wanted to invest his energy in the job.
A kinda gross image that I need to overlay is the dramatic pose he struck as he shared w me how he felt in response to my query re how he felt when he first met her. Mind you, we were still in shell-shock and he did not care one iota whether what he said would hurt me. He looked like a gambler getting ready to make a big play as he said "THIS is what I want-t-t-t-t.
Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!
I was still numb and the private thought I entertained was "Yes, but you weren't what she wanted. . ."
Of course months later when I was not numb and could put things together I realized that somehow Sage clung to the bit of sanity that my light showed through his fog.
Sage told me not too long ago that there was not a thing I could have done to stop what happened between them. If I hadn't been ill I probably would have made a huge mess of everything. Thank goodness that my mental, emotional, and physical ills caused a detachment and distance so that what had to happen could run its course.
Don't you think that your H realizes that she 'ain't what he wants anymore. You are all that and emotionally present for him.
An important lesson that I have learned is that Sage is the only one responsible for his integrity. Same w your H. Sage never in a million years thought that what happened would happen.
Remember a thing I heard a hundred years ago: "Any woman can get any man; the thing is, can she keep him". I laughed when I heard that. I never understood just what it meant 'til my feet wound up in these shoes.
Treesa, I pray calmness of spirit for you. I wish warts on the fantasy chic's. . .ah, nose.
I'm glad that you care so much for your R. It would be so helpful to you if one day you could get into a convesation about relationship boundaries in the workforce. Notice I did not say and OR talk!
Aye yi yi...take a deep breath (just like I tell my 3 year old).
Tough situation...not sure what to tell you. If you think you can have an honest discussion, I guess you could tell him your fears. Not sure if that's the right thing to do right now or not.
Have to be careful with what you say...cause if he thinks you've gone off the deep end (by him telling you his plans) then maybe next time he won't want to cause you any stress and will not say anything.
Lily's tender voice... just what I needed... warts on the nose eh??? Tenderness with just the right amount of..... bitchiness.. Lily... what I wouldn't give to sit across a kiktchen table with you and share a few drops of something! (beats fishin anytime I think!) and sayin a few prayers together! thanks... you make me think of my very sharp C whom I haven't spent time with in a dawg's age...
and FS.... nice to have you hear... and I believe you too got it.
Time to go sit in a tub with candles and red wine... ( the wine in a glass although..... )
I got my daily deida post that said... "what's important today becomes forgotten tomorrow!" how true is that... sigh.. deep breathe... you people make my day... thanks tree
Somehow OR take on a life of their own. We intend to say one thing, but then everything else comes out too. At one point, you seemed to have made peace with the fact that things could go on like they have been for a long, long time. Do you still feel that way? Or are you just frustrated? Can you really bear to live this way forever?
When I pray, my best prayer is to ask for peace. Somehow God always seems to grant it, even though it may only be for a short time. But then, I can always pray again.
Take good care of yourself. You're a terrific woman and person. And get that old computer kicking. You can vent to me any time. It seems that I am becoming a kinder, gentler IMP!
Lily,
That wasn't very nice about the wart! Maybe it would be better if the curse were to have tree's H see the wart and that she look normal to the rest of us!
That statement might sound facetious, but it’s not. Do you realize what you’ve just posted?
Firstly…
quote:Originally posted by treesa2: So H is working at prying out of me what is bothering me…
D’ya think that maybe… Just maybe, he cares about your feelings????
Secondly…
quote:Originally posted by treesa2: I am not saying or thinking to any of my work buddies - pass the bread and do you want to hit the sack with me baby...
Neither is he! If he had any thoughts along this line, he’d avoid “prying” like the plague. If he even had a clue that you were jealous… if there was any reason for you to be jealous, how do you think he would have reacted? It wouldn’t have been you who clammed up. He’d retreat so fast the only thing you’d see would be his smoke trail!
quote:Originally posted by treesa2: H of course now tip toeing around me as I try and regroup. This might just be OR time.... because the bottom line is... I am tired of king of being in purgatory... that limbo land... where yeah Andy she is probably out of his mind... but who knows ya know... and Ya ... he has me in the sack, but there are days when I feel more like a whore than a wife... and then there are days most of them, when I think... yep.. we are gonna make it. But who knows... because he nevers says nuttin! sigh...
Of course, he’s tiptoeing now. He’s totally clueless as to what’s bothering you. Something’s wrong (and he cares about it), but he doesn’t know what it is, so he just tries not to do anything to make things worse.
I don’t think it’s OR-talk time for you, tree. You just got a wealth of information about what he’s thinking (or not thinking about) without having to drag this all out.
He never says nuttin’ verbally, but I think he’s spoken volumes from his actions.
quote:Originally posted by treesa2: So... HOW do I fix this stupid little mess I have managed to get myself into.
Do nothing. You’re not in a mess at all. Just let it pass.
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