Goin’ with the Flow

[Wilma]

Hi Andy --
What's your W's reason for not wanting to ride together for now? Curious, is all -- I had a thought but will withhold it for the present.

I'd rather be happy than right, but sometimes it does feel good to be happy AND right. You're a human, not a robot.

wilma

((((((ANS))))))

[treesa2]

Hey Pal,
I am glad I picked today to see how things were going with you and yours.

first - a side bar to Matilda. I used to work in the disability field, and Iearned that everything you are saying about your BIL and his need to be independent from his parents is critical and so true. They really do need to dump the martyr attitude. However they are from another time when children who were viewed as different were not "allowed" to blossom in any way. But stick to your guns on this one Mattie, and perhaps things may change.

Andy... ebb and flow for sure.... I wouldn't give up on your dreams... not at all. It just might have to happen in a dfferent way. As your other children finish school and college and move on with their lives you might be surprised how they will want to help you both... but it won't be for a while yet. Who knows how things will unfold.

Blood tests.. and fatigue... might also be a case of low iron levels. Just as bombed dropped for me, and I got the 'never enough sex" speech (mostly true) I learned that I was border line anaemic. Have been on high doses of iron and LOTS of red meat and it has made a difference. I am fortunate however to not have to work all day with a special needs kid. That would be exhausting.

Andy, does W still feel resentment, do you know, at the fact that you are the one leaving home everyday? I m sure that intellectually she understands someone has to bring home the bacon but is this a "thing" for her?

My H too, makes disparaging comments about our neighbours who've deep 6'ed their marriages. If it wasn't so bizarre, his comments would be funny given what we are living. Your gotta shake your head. It might just lead me into serreptious OR talks

And hey... fireworks once in a while... as long as it is sincere... that's gotta be a step in the right direction.

take care & HUGS

tree

[ANS]

Thanks again, gang, for all of your encouragement.

Rayanne radar is functioning perfectly!

Had a good night last night, and slept the sleep of the dead. I’m feeling much better today. It makes it a lot easier to keep positive, greenbar

You said a mouthful, Matilda. I don’t know what to do about my dreams, but I think their loss did make something die inside of me. Last night, W mentioned that she sometimes worries about where we’ll be when S#2 is 20 yrs old. Will we ever be free? I think this is the crux of her MLC, and to be honest, mine too. We don’t know what we can realistically dream about. You make some good points about the options that may be available to us down the road. I know there will be options. I just don’t know what they will be, and as you can see, W worries about this too.

We don’t know how the future will turn out. Especially in our case.

quote:Originally posted by betty_sk October 22, 2001 11:54 AM on We don't know how the future will turn out (Page 1):

And your wife is right - none of us know how the future will turn out but we have the choice to let go of worrying about it and live in the present (again over-simplified but a point of thought).

Betty is right about the choice to let go of the worry, but like you said, Matilda, we have to have our dreams, and dreams are about the future.

BTW, Matilda, you most certainly did not offend me. I’m all too aware about the necessity to institutionalize some children. I know a couple whose son is severely autistic. They had to reluctantly place him. My older brother is schizophrenic. He was institutionalized at the age of 15. Parents have limits, but we also feel obliged to push those limits to the maximum. Like you said, my children are my #1 priority, even over my own happiness. It’s not martyrdom. It’s just a responsibility that fate has thrust upon me. And my W!

That’s my past. That’s my present. That’s my foreseeable future.

Which brings me to Wilma. Why doesn’t W want to ride with me? Presently, our freedom is limited by our son’s special needs. We can rely on our girls to baby-sit sometimes, but would it be fair to rob them of their childhood to accommodate our second childhood?

W has taken up activities that make her happy. Despite her onerous responsibilities, she has accommodated me to the extent that she includes me in some of them. Like I said, this necessarily means putting responsibility for S#2 on our girls’ shoulders whenever we’re out together. This also means that we have to “take turns” doing things. Riding is one of those things.

Our kids have needs too. Last night, W looked very tired. S#1 hadn’t stopped talking since he got home from school. D’ya think she wanted to hear about my day?

Whew! I’m getting tired just writing this post!

I guess the upshot of all of this is that W and I don’t have the time and energy to keep up with our family needs, her needs and my needs.

All we can do is go with the flow.

quote:Originally posted by Wilma:

I'd rather be happy than right, but sometimes it does feel good to be happy AND right. You're a human, not a robot.

The issue isn’t really one of the principle of being right. I guess it comes down to the fact that what’s right for me isn’t necessarily right for W. Throw what’s right for our kids, and it gets kinda messy

Michele wrote somewhere that a couple doesn’t have to agree on everything to have a successful R. They don’t even have to agree on most things, or on major things. All they have to do is to learn to resolve their differences.

But, as we all know, that’s a tall order.

Andy

Tree... Haven't read your post yet. Will get back to ya.

[ May 03, 2002, 12:12 PM: Message edited by: ANS ]

[ANS]

Thanks for dropping by, tree.

I guess there are some dreams that simply aren’t realistic. Gotta give up on those ones. If they turn out to be feasible later, then great, but in the mean time, I gotta come up with some new ones.

Fatigue, stress, hormones, iron levels… Who knows? Loss of libido can be caused by these, and certainly by R problems. All I can do is to work on the R issues, and hope that W will look into the others.

Does she still feel resentment? I don’t think so You’d be amazed at the progress we’ve made on that front!!! In any case, I don’t think the resentment ever was due to me bringing home the bacon. She’s always said that she appreciated that. I think the resentment was due to her perception that I didn’t appreciate what she was up against, and that I controlled everything – including her. That has all appeared to have changed.

There are a few knee-jerk reactions that indicate things have been forgiven but not forgotten, but on sober reconsideration, she usually sees these for what they are.

quote:Originally posted by treesa2:

And hey... fireworks once in a while... as long as it is sincere... that's gotta be a step in the right direction.

Yeah.

Gotta go now, all of a sudden, I’m being swamped with work.

Andy

[Wilma]

Andy -- thanks for sending me to Matilda's thread. I see what you were getting at, and a lot of that discussion seems so familiar. Fred's biggest problem is that he will not allow himself to be vulnerable enough to be intimate. That's what this is all about, I think -- what he needs to work on and what I cannot help him with.

It's all in the ebb and flow -- our lives are so crazy these days. It's a no wonder people can't connect. I think it takes all the strength we have just get up and face the day, sometimes!

Thanks for all your support and insight, Andy. Know that you have my support whenever you need it!

wilma

[matilda]

Andy,

If your other kids are able to handle S#2 and his problems long enough to baby-sit for a couple hours, then for heavens sake have them do it occasionally. Giving up their childhood!? How much giving up would they be doing if you and your W went out for a couple hours to ride the motorcycle, or go to dinner, etc? We're not talking about a 2-week vacation here.

And, let's face it, if it results in their parents being more relaxed and happier, they'll reap the benefits from that, too. You'll be leaving them a wonderful legacy if they see their parents affectionate and loving towards each other, HAPPY being together.

Honestly, you're a family unit. Let your kids help you. It will make your entire family stronger and more unified.

Get that work done, and have a great weekend.

Matilda

[greenbar]

I agree with Matilda. You are a family. Face the problems as a family. Share the joys as a family. You are in this together. Your other children will learn and develop character by dealing with the experience.

[ May 03, 2002, 04:12 PM: Message edited by: greenbar ]

[FS]

HI Andy,

I'm concerned about the 'giving up the dreams' thing and the 'something inside of me has died' line. First, the dreams...they can be put on 'hold' - they are dreams. Something for the future, right? The 'something inside of me has died' line got me - that's the line my H gave me...don't like to hear that one.

About the riding together...couldn't your girls be with your son once in a while for you two to go out - do that instead of going to the friend's place...or ride to the friend's place together?

FS

[darmar]

Read a comment somewhere about forgiven but not forgotten. Something to that. We can never forget, because it is sometimes that memory that keeps us from having to forgive the same thing again down the road.
For me with the alcohol, I can never forget that awful place, but I have forgiven myself for it. Kapish?
As you know I used to be in the special needs field as well and alternative thngs are generally good, as you probably know. Be inventive Andy. Just when you think you havetried everything something else pops into your head. I don't know if it is pertinent or not but why not even get a flippin sidecar for the bike and take S-2 along. I bet he would be thrilled. I rember one time when I was teaching we strapped this CP girl to a boogie board and took her water skiing. A little outside but it was the biggest thrill of her life.
I am starting to think that it is not so much what we do for W's and such but that they know deep inside that they are important and valued. For some this might mean flowers and candy for others trips and for the very few a knowing smile.
What is it for you. And I have to keep telling myself what I think it is for W is much different then what W thinks it is for W.