Goin’ with the Flow

[lily]

Andy,

Your child needs help for the rest of his life, yes. He has siblings who, when they are older, will be able to help you and your W w his care.
I have friends who realized that their child's care needs surpassed their abilities to manage and they sought help with this. It is out there, friend.

Your future as a couple isn't dead. You have to figure out a new path to that dream.

All you have to do is be able to wish it. If you can do that then you can find the way.

I believe in you and her.

[ANS]

Thanks, Lily.

Our girls are old enough to take care of S#2, and they do it, too. W and I have some time together, but it's always with other friends. We go to friends' house most Saturday nights. We sometimes spend an afternoon on the weekend with same friends.

This is the most we can ask of our kids. W does not want to subordinate these outings to do things with me, and that's why we cannot ride together, golf together, or do anything I want to do together.

I could figure out a new path to my dream, but unless W buys into my dream, it won't happen.

I know this sounds like a downer, but that's the way things are.

W once said that I was waiting for her to change, and that it won't happen. To the extent that I want her to want me - both physically, and to pal around with, she's right on the first point, and to the extent that she won't change unless she decides to, she's right about the second.

BTW, she mentioned blood tests again. Figures she'll ask for the test the next time she goes for her allergy shot, but if it turns out positive, probably won't get an appointment for several months.

Thanks for the support, Lily. I really appreciate your encouragement.

Andy

[Duchess]

None of us can know what it's like to live with a handicapped child..mine was challenging, difficult, sometimes(when he was an adolescent) we felt we couldn't leave him alone..cos he might kill himself..

But this is different.

I do believe that the experience with your son has exhausted you and your W..I know you already know that.

I don't know a way around it. I am sure you have looked in to all resources.

I feel your sadness about him..it must be so very hard Andy.

Duchess

[ May 02, 2002, 08:13 AM: Message edited by: Duchess ]

[lily]

Andy

Time plods forward.

I'm glad your W mentioned the blood tests again.

I'm on an antihistamine today and thoughtss are stuck together. Good day for play dough therapy.

Take care!

[ANS]

Felt an urge to slip this into my thread:

quote:Originally posted by lily May 01, 2002 02:04 PM on Still getting over it!! (Page 4):

Another little mantra: I'd rather be happy than right.

Thanks, Lily

[ May 02, 2002, 10:05 AM: Message edited by: ANS ]

[ANS]

Duchess,

My W is exhausted. I’m exhausted. We don’t have time for ourselves, and we don’t have time for each other. I don’t know any way around it. Just goin’ with the flow. It’s all we can do.

I’ve posted with wild mood swings a lot. Both of our exhaustion certainly doesn’t help that.

Right now, all I want to do is cry. It doesn’t make sense because last night was possibly the best night of my R in over a year.

But, I’m tired. Oh so tired.

Well, maybe I should tell you all why last night was so great.

I’ve mentioned before that W has felt that I am a barrier to her having the things she wants. Well, yesterday I proved her wrong by making the financial arrangements for her bike. I did not do this grudgingly, and it was apparent to her that I was happy to do it.

We’re discussing ways to afford this expense, and even a bike for me. We’re on the same team. This is a far cry from a few short weeks ago when she was afraid to even mention her desire for a bike.

So, now we’re both excited about it. Nice.

Last night I had a nice time with the kids. D#1 (who recently got her learner’s permit to drive) drove us to the local ice cream shop while W was at kickboxing. Nice.

I asked W for sex. Recently her response has been less than enthusiastic. Usually, she made a face like I was proposing to feed her a bowl of worms, long hesitation, followed by something like “I’m really tired, but I guess tonight’s as good as any.” Last night, she simply said Yeah, and she actually seemed to enjoy it. Nice.

Things are looking up. Attitudes are changing. I think her perception of me is changing precisely because of what Lily said. I’ve decided that I’d rather be happy than right.

This morning, W restated that we can’t ride together for now. I think this is wrong. I think we need to do more as a couple. But it gives me no joy to let her be right about this. It doesn’t make me happy to be “wrong.”

Dunno. Maybe it’s just the fatigue.

I know things are much better now. Must be an accumulation of stress that’s dragging me down.

But, as tree is fond of saying, this too shall pass.

[Duchess]

Nice indeed Andy..you both deserve it

Duchess

[greenbar]

ANS,

As I encouraged you on my thread, KEEP POSITIVE!

[lily]

Ya got me smilin' Andy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[matilda]

Andy,

Giving up on one's dreams is tantamount to death. What is there to live for if you have nothing to look forward to; if you don't have your dreams. H's and my dreams are the same as your's. We have a motorhome now (have had one for 13 years), and fully expect to spend much of retirement on the road. We both love it so much. He loves to drive; I love to ride .

I've seen first-hand how a handicapped child affects a marriage. My H's brother is "slow", shall we say. He is now 37 and is still being taken care of by in-laws who are approaching 80. They are bitter, unhappy people. It is so sad and a total waste. We've tried to get them to place BIL in an assisted living arrangement. He'd be much happier there in the long run. He can do some things for himself, but does need a help and really can't be on his own. In-laws insist he must stay with them - he is their "problem". Don't get me wrong. They love him whole-heartedly and feel it is the right thing for them to do. But I think sometimes they are not really thinking about what is best for their son. They keep him with him out of guilt (and love, of course). Someday they will be gone and their son will thrown into the chaos of not only losing them, but of a whole new living arrangement. It would be much better if he were getting used to being without them before he is really "without" them.

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that you don't take responsiblity for your child as he becomes an adult. I'm just suggesting that there may be options that you've not thought of; there might be options that may in the long run be better for him - which I know you consider as your no.1 priority, even over your own happiness. Just don't fall into the trap of martorism. Really explore the options as he gets older. Ascess what will be best for HIM. And above all, keep the dream alive. There are always ways to do the things you want. You just have to keep your mind open to all the possiblities.

I hope I haven't offended you in any way. I think it takes unimaginable courage and love to deal with a handicapped child. Your son is very lucky that God placed him in your hands for safekeeping.

XOXO,

Matilda