This is the second time I've seen a sales call made in what seem to me to be remarkably inappropriate circumstances. The first time was with a guy with little money who was actively suicidal.
Lostlove has been around for years and can DB with the best of them and certainly does not need to be told about the availability of phone consults.
I'm not sure if yours is a new position or you have been given new direction by management on how to do your job. But, I can say from this end the two posts of yours that I have seen have been a HUGE TURNOFF in terms of recommending DBing to others. They have been a huge turnoff in terms of the noncommercial supportive atmosphere that used to exist in these forums being quickly undermined by your posts that smack of **contentless telemarketing in print.**
Your posts have a strong copy-paste feel and don't express any genuine familiarity and concern for the sitches of harlydavidson or lostlove.
I am truly disappointed to see the commercialization of these forums. I hope other posters will also let the powers that be know of the bad taste these telemarketing posts leave in one's mouth.
I was really appalled to see this on lostlove's thread when she was reaching out for help again after a period of silence. She deserves better than junk mail.
Quote: What happened to the porn on the computer and the semen in his underwear?.
the porn on the computer was apparently a one time thing and the blame was laid and taken by one of his buddies. What he (h) does on his computer at work is another story but I can tell when he's online during the day (same server and user name so I get bumped off) and it's not very often and most days not at all unless he's tracking weather as work is conditional on the weather. the whole sticky undies thing...seems to have subsided though I'm no longer looking or doing his laundry very often (why should I). When I confronted him he first, denied, then used a lame excuse of he uses them to wipe up the floor after taking a shower to which I asked well then why are you doing that on the floor to which he then replied well sometimes it just happens. So, again back to the he's not doing anything it's just happening.
Quote: Maybe it is time to do something very different and hire a PI to figure out where he is getting his sexual needs met.
that's more an issue of money than a lack of interest in doing so. If it weren't so tacky and Jerry Springerish I'd call that show cheaters and have it done for free.
Quote: What about telling him you are considering a separation?
He's not going anywhere...I get the "if you don't like it YOU leave" bit..and where are me and our two children supposed to go?
Quote: What about asking him for an open marriage?
I don't really want an open marraige...I either want a happy fullfilling marriage OR a roomate who happens to be the father of my children. Plus having an open marriage would leave him the option of entertaining others...if he's not entertaining me why should I be OK with him entertaining others?
I know I've got to do something. I just don't know what to do.
Thanks for responding to Karen...I was going to just ignore her because I agree completely with you on how insencere and telemarketish her blatantly copy paste respons was. what do you bet she doesn't return to this thread to read either of our remarks.
Quote: When your H first returned home, how were things?
first off H didn't fully return right away. he started coming around to specifically see me (not just the kids) around Halloween didn't give up his apartment until the following May (7 months later). The distance and lack of trusted started before he was even back. We tried a C (he was only willing after I was ready to give up and had an appointment with a lawyer) but it got us nowhere unless I acted like everything was fine.
Quote: Do you think he could be involved with someone else?
Sure but I wont know until I know...ya know?
Quote: sounds like your H does need a huge wake up call. Don't wait, as things will not get better on their own.
See, I really believed he had that wake up after the seperation...he sure knew how to sell himself to me. What a fool I feel like now. I bought a lemon and have let the warranty run out.
Quote: So, why do you suppose your H works so much. Make a list of possibilities and ask non-accusatory questions like, "when you work xyz how does it make you feel, what drives you?
He works because it's who he is. He enjoys writing himself his paycheck at the end of the week...it makes him feel good to know he's providing for his family. He enjoys being voted "the best of" in the town he runs his business out of. He started his company from nothing and it now provides for his family and offers employement to 11 others.
Quote: You say he had an "EA" of some sorts. Did he say what he got from the EA? Lots of men get different things from EA/A's. I could only guess what your H got from his.
Not from him...he had a hard time even admitting it was an affair...wouldn't even call it an inappropriate relationship...now he just calls it BS. I know he used words like "they had a connection" and that he could "be himself with her" etc. It's probably typical but a lot of the time I find myself feeling like maybe they were meant to be together and not us.
Sure, I guy who completely hides his sexuality from his W is going to jack off in the bathroom and use his undies rather than TP to clean up... Whatever...
What are the laws about who has to move out, etc..., if you were to pursue a legal separation?
Is there a women's legal support center around you? It might simply help to know what you are entitled to legally when he gives you the "fine, then you leave," line.
For instance, if you could say, "no, not until we have an order of support in place for the separation or alimony and child support in place for the divorce. Until then, one of else will be sleeping elsewhere in the house and I will take the necessary steps to ensure we begin a legal separation. I am confident that the courts will award me alimony and child support if this leads to divorce, and it is also likely that I can get support during the separation. If that amount is sufficient, then I will leave, though I expect you will find that it benefits your financial situation to be the one to take up residence elsewhere rather than moving your W and children."
I'm just thinking that it will help for you to feel like you have viable options here. You need to find a position of power in which you feel you are choosing your own life. Child support is pretty automatic, and NH looks like a good state for alimony (http://www.divorcenet.com/states/new_hampshire/nhfaq_01).
Simply being armed with this information may make H stand up and take notice. If it doesn't, I'm not sure anything would in any case. He may very well simply be a WAH past the point of no return who is staying in the M for financial reasons.
I guess what I'm suggesting is that you pretty much drop the bomb on him without yet being a WAW -- drop the bomb while still being open to reconcilliation *if* he steps up to the plate.
Otherwise, I'd say it pretty close to time to cut your losses. Staying in a bad M isn't good for anyone, including your kids. Life can be soooo much better and you deserve that -- hopefully inside your existing M, but if not, so be it, move on.
(((((((LL)))))))) I hate to see things still going on like this for you. You are such a warm, bright, beautiful woman and you seem so beaten down and lost now.
Try to really figure out your options so you have some autonomy and feel empowered. You are not hostage to your bad M. You will find a way to live better.
Best, Oldtimer
P.S. hopefully *moderator* Sage will see you over here and read our reactions to the sales spamming posts...
Sorry to find you are still here and still completely stuck in the shell of an M. I couldn't really find anything more to say than what Oldtimer has said to you and she has put it very well.
You sound "spent" - would that be accurate?
OG-Lou said: "At times it seems like everyone else wants something from me" This is exactly the kind of thing my H has said to me, why can't they realise that we would pay them back 10-fold if only they would send a little love and affection our way. It is an investment and a very good one at that.
take care LL, keep posting.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
You know, my mother has advised me to do exactly what you say. After all there's no harm in knowing what my options are. Trouble is even taking steps to find out such information seems so final to me and I'm still not sure I'm ready to take that step. I know that when h and I have had our arguments...or to be more specific when I've let him know how I really feel about the state of our marriage he's not received it well...the last resort technique may work for some but I'm not going to put my money on it...the only way it will work in this case is if I don't back down and I'm not at that point yet. teetering but not there.
Yes, I'm still plundering away in what feels like more of an arraingement than a marriage.
The silence from our tiff the other night has ended...took the typial course...silence..blantant avoidance ended by neccessity (a home project needing discussion) with no resolution or closure just more dust under the rug.
I wonder...is it possible for people who's love languages fall in these orders to have a fullfilling relationship?
quality time, physical touch , words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts
words of affirmation, acts of service gifts, physical affection, quality time
to the best of my assesment capabilities the two above orders are that of my h and myself (not hard to figure out which on is me huh?)
I had the love language conversation with h a few years back and though he seemed to understand the concept he was still stuck on the "that's just the way I am" I couldn't get him to understand that by stepping out of his mold as I try to step out of mine we'd both find the rewards benificial. But then in regard to the ssm issue I've gotten him once or twice to admit that there's a calm and closeness after a physical interaction and yet he doesn't bother to keep that going either (last countdown lasted over six month till I finally gave him little choice now we're starting a new countdown at a month and a half since our last interaction)
we are going to a wedding this weekend...I used to enjoy weddings for the party aspect...never thought much about the future of the couple getting married until after I was married myself and well thought about it more after our seperation (went to a wedding during seperation that h was the best man at...I had fun the only time I got upset was when h gave his toast and boasted about how bil and his new wife have something real blech...the rest of the night I had so much fun members of his family who knew of our sit at the time asked how I could be so happy was I on meds or something...nope...I just knew how to enjoy life at the time...too bad I've let h drag me back into this funk of a so-called life)
oh well...singing off before I start an unnecessary rant.
Lostlove... When you get to that place where you are willing to risk the relationship you will know it. You are wise to hold off until you are at that point because then it's just a lot of empty threats. Are there small ways that you can make the situation better for yourself?
BTW I like your name as we are all on a journey aren't we.
Quote: Are there small ways that you can make the situation better for yourself?
I keep myself busy with lots of mentaly stimulating activities as well as physical. I plan projects for myself..things to do around the house..make changes (minimal cost a bucket of paint or just rearrainging furniture) it helps but it's not enough.
I don't know when the time will come when I'll be ready..sadly I think it's not that I'm not ready I think it's that I'm not ready to put my kids through it.
Just got back from a wedding with h's side of the family. a fun time..there are lots of cousins on his side that we don't see often but I like and have good conversation with. Usualy lots of dancing but the music was lacking..did have fil ask me to dance though (h doesn't dance even if the music is good) I've noticed recently that h is drinking more than usual. I can't tell what he's doing during the week because well he most often falls asleep but it's possible he's having a few beers a night and maybe a swig or two of jack daniels or jim bean..not good for a guy who works hard outside all day and most definetly isn't drinking enough water during the day. He didn't drink a lot before our seperation so I'd just like to take a min to point out some things I've noticed...
h is seeming to be drinking more than prior to seperation
h is on anti anxiety meds for the past year (not a problem prior to seperation though he did start having what I would consider minor attacks toward the end of seperation)
h quit smoking ciggarettes but smokes cigars now instead
these things may mean nothing but to me they say he's not happy.
oh and oldtimer if you're still reading...I took a peek at his recent pile of laundry (I stopped doing his laundry a few months ago when he pulled only his stuff out of the hamper to wash repetedly) and low and behold there are remnants of lil soldiers there.
To clarify on the lil soldiers...yes, I know it's normal for men to have occassional wet dreams etc esp when they aren't getting any, but that's not what this looks like...this looks like he got some...didn't clean it all of and then put his boy away with some drippings still on. Make sense? what am I to think?
it's 1:20 am the kids are staying over my moms, h stumbled his drunken self up to the bedroom and is probably by now sprawled all over our bed passed out...I have no desire what-so-ever to go up there...I'd almost rather stay awake all night getting things ready for fathers day than to find a spot on the bed to sleep.
