Burying the Past

[matilda]

Andy,

Your W sounds a bit like my H in the "right to have things of my own" department. Only his was that he "deserved" to have a motorcycle. He works hard, makes good money, does all of the repairs on house, cars, etc. So he "deserves" a Harley Davidson. Mind you, this was last year while he was having an affair. How in the world does one justify "deserving" anything while being in the midst of destroying the person you supposedly love? I finally gave in to him buying a motorcycle. We've had fun on it together. It is expensive. And it's also a reminder to me of what a jerk he was last year.

I wonder if your W was testing you in some way? Probably a test that you wouldn't have passed either way. Sometimes I think we need to stop analyzing everything he said/ she said. It gets exhausting. And you know what, we usually come to the wrong conclusion anyway. I know this DB'ing works, but don't you get tired thinking about every word that comes out of your mouth -- if it was the "right" thing to say and how will they take it?

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. My M probably wouldn't be in such a mess if I were smarter.

Keep your chin up. You know in your heart things are getting better. It's just way too slow for you, I know.

Matilda

[KentS]

M,
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. Sometimes I think we need to stop analyzing everything he said/ she said. It gets exhausting. And you know what, we usually come to the wrong conclusion anyway. I know this DB'ing works, but don't you get tired thinking about every word that comes out of your mouth
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Ya sound pretty smart to me.

[ANS]

Thanks for dropping by Matilda and Kent. And, of course a thank you to Esperanza, FS and Duchess, too.

Been thinking about “but don't you get tired thinking about every word that comes out of your mouth.” To be honest, I’ve always thought out what I have to say before saying it. If I’m in any doubt about hurting someone’s feelings, I may choose to not say it at all. This is especially true if what I have to say could be misconstrued as critical or hurtful. I do this for anyone I talk to. For me, it’s common courtesy.

I’m a strong believer that we should extend our spouses at least the same level of courtesy that we would any other person.

The big difference is the level of importance attached to my feelings relative to my W compared to any other person. I may have an opinion on someone else’s behavior, but my W’s behavior directly affects me. I cannot, nor should I just “shut up” whenever my W does something I disagree with. We’re supposed to be a team. We are supposed to cooperate on a lot of things. And, despite her contrary behavior, W says she agrees with this.

For me, the only people whose opinion of me counts is my immediate family. My W and my kids. The only people who I have to cooperate with on personal matters are my W and kids.

When I express a desire or opinion, I have to brace myself for a personal attack from W. Therefore, I have to be careful how I word things, and be ready for misinterpretation. If I don’t express my desires/opinions, then W either assumes I don’t have ‘em or assumes I’m bottling up my feelings to unload them on her at a later time.

That’s what I’m tired of, Matilda.

Is she testing me? Possibly. Or, perhaps she’s just trying to stop me from opposing her by moving to the attack. The best defense is a good offense.

Matilda, I’m trying to keep my chin up, but every time I think things are getting better, it seems like nothing’s changed. At times, I really wonder if things’ll ever get better.

Sunday, after our motorcycle blowout, W started thinking in terms of letting me buy my own motorcycle. Not a new one like hers, but perhaps a “learner”. And, like I posted before, she backtracked on letting me take the course. She also mentioned to the kids – in passing – that she was “neglecting papa lately.”

Does she believe this, or is she just trying to placate me? I don’t know. Should I just let it all slide off of my back? I hear Kent saying, “Just let her work on her own issues.” But, her issues are inextricably interwoven with mine.

I don’t think I’m overanalyzing things. Just trying to figure out how to make my desires and opinions known w/o seeming to stomp all over W’s. Just trying to figure out how we can learn to “play together.”

Andy

[Duchess]

quote:Originally posted by ANS:


When I express a desire or opinion, I have to brace myself for a personal attack from W. Therefore, I have to be careful how I word things, and be ready for misinterpretation. If I don’t express my desires/opinions, then W either assumes I don’t have ‘em or assumes I’m bottling up my feelings to unload them on her at a later time.

How frustrating this must be for you!

This is just a thought. I wonder if you might want to try "echoing" i.e.whatever she says you say "It sounds like------" or "If I got it you said---------"

I have found this to be immensley helpful.

Your W's perception may be that she has to go on the attack to make sure you have heard.
I know I used to do it.

With echoing the other person knows you have heard 'cos you are repeating back. It doesn't mean you have agreed/disagreed with her..just heard her.

When I started doing this my H changed dramatically.It seemed I hadn't been listening all that time

It IS somewhat contrived and doesn't always feel natural....anyway I'm rambling just thought I'd throw that out there.You are probably already doing it if I think I know you

Andy BTW I do so agree with you. In ALL walks of life and with all the people we deal with... we DO have to think about what comes out of our mouths.For the longest time I didn't..I'm learning how to.

Duchess

[ANS]

Thanks for the post, Duchess.

I’ve heard of this technique, but the issue isn’t that she doesn’t think I’m listening. The issue seems to be that I always misinterpret what she says. So she’s given up trying to tell me things. It’s time for this thread to meet it’s maker, so I’m moving on over to How can I listen if she won’t talk?

See y’all there,
Andy