W and I are trying to open up to each other. It’s tricky at this point because we have so little time to talk, and we’re misinterpreting each other a lot. I think we’re both trying to understand each other while not giving false impressions about our own feelings. I’m trying to “just be me”, but the “me” I’m projecting is not me.
Friday night, we went to a movie. On the way back, we were just being ourselves. I’m not quite sure what happened, but in the middle of some chit-chat, there was a palpable tension that arose. Some innocent statement got misinterpreted. I’m not even sure whose statement or whose interpretation, but things fell into sullen silence.
Last night, W was very empathetic about how hard it must be for me to always be the initiator. I replied that at least I can still ask. She said “Well, that’s one way of looking at it.” Later, we cuddled for quite awhile. We both want things to get better.
This morning, she kept asking me what I was thinking. She seemed to feel that I had something to say. I didn’t really. She then told me of some of the things I’ve been doing that makes her angry. We started to talk it out, but were interrupted by the kids.
So. You see. Just “being me” doesn’t work! It’s too open to interpretation.
This morning, I emailed her to clarify my feelings. Was that bad DBing? Perhaps, but it’s something new for me/us, so I just gotta wait and see if it works, eh?
I wish I had the solution for getting your wife to go for a T panel. If she's having any menstrual problems that could be the window of opportunity. The thyroid plays havoc w the length and frequency of the menstrual cycle. If there's any irregularity there then you could encourage her to go in and get that documented. You have to go 12 entire months without a period before you can check off menopause. My gyn is in the process of determining where I am in the game. I wish I'known about T panels when I was your wife's age; I could have avoided a lot of suffering.
One of the issues that made W mad was that I had made a comment about her book that turned her off of the book. She said that she had to stop reading it. In my email, I told her that I’m more open minded than she gives me credit for. I also told her that I’m not “spying” on her by reading the book. Only that I care for her very much, and want to know more about what’s happening with her. She seems to have accepted this.
The book discusses HRT. It recommends that if a woman is considering HRT, she should get a complete set of hormone tests, and replace only the ones that are low. I believe this includes thyroid. I would very much like W to take these tests. She’s currently taking BCPs, which she says are “somewhat” effective. I think that perhaps, they have put her hormones even more out-of-whack, and therefore has decreased her libido even more.
She has said that her peri is a very personal thing, and therefore doesn’t tell me much about her symptoms. I told her in my email that I would be interested in discussing this with her if SHE wants to.
So, the way things sit right now, I have to respect her privacy. And, if I were to bring up testing – even in the context of the book – it would be obvious that I’m only thinking of myself. I don’t know how she would take that. (sigh)
Well, shoot, get your step-mom in on this! I am able to say to some women friends, quit trying to figure it out and go get a T panel. Your W expressed a desire to reconnect w the step-mom who is familiar w menopause. She can bring up the thyroid as a cause of a lot of needless pain and aggravation. If the T panel comes back normal then she has established her base line.
It's so hard isn't it when we think we know what's best for our loved one they just don't do it. How wonderful though that your W at least knows that you understand. My H always had trouble with menopause explanations.
It makes sense thata woman should be screnied for all hormone levels. I never thought about it that way.
Do you ever get a chance to get away for a night or two..just the two of you?
I’d love to involve my step-mom, but if W is going to talk to her about it, it will have to come from W. I cannot manipulate the sitch through a third party, can I?
I would love to have a night alone with W but I think it would put too much pressure on both of us.
Boy! I’m really stuck! I think W and I are so close to the emotional intimacy that I’ve been striving for, but I can’t jeopardize that for physical intimacy.
What makes it even harder is that I don’t really know how open W is. The only thing I can think to do is to keep an eye out for signs and hope she’ll initiate dialogue.
This morning, she noted that I’d read more of her book. Was this an opening? Perhaps, but I can’t just pounce on any opening w/o looking opportunistic. (sigh)
One thing that always bothered me about my H (and others, too), is that he considered my PMS or perimenopausal symptoms, whichever was happening at the time, to be the cause for my unhappiness or anger or whatever. The truth is that the problems were there before the symptoms. The hormonal fluctuations only tend to "highlight" the problems more and maybe also give us less emotional control how we handle our feelings.
As far as emotional intimacy vs. physical intimacy, you know the answer to that, my friend. If you truely want the physical part to someday be as important to your W as it is to you, you need to nurture the emotional part first. It sounds like you're on your way. Take it easy. It's worth the wait!
Thanks for your post on my thread. Please ready my reply. I have a question for you in there. I've reached 100 over there. Maybe now it's time to move my carcuss over here!!
A post at the end of your page 1 had a comment in it about guys and their emotions. Something about how emotions are to be shared w one special person who knows how to pull them out w love and compassion. It was like a light being turned on for me. Thank you!
Nurture that emotional bond like you've been doing. The physical part is the icing. I'd rather have the cake. (Gathering the ingredients, one by one.)
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