I am definitely not one to keep my mouth shut, especially now. I told my former Mrs. (not to mention her mother, too) in no uncertain terms what I thought about her and OM. We still do many things as a family. The problem was that I waited too long to confront situations that I didn't like. Communication is the key.
Humor me here. I do believe that if tree were to say. "ok, fellow, I am tired of your nonsense, you can leave," see how fast he comes around and drops his nonsense. Another and perhaps less threatening method is to ask him why he is unhappy with his life. Tree is a great woman. Any man should be happy to have a woman like her. This whole situation has never made much sense to me.
I agree Tree is a great women. And if you want to stay east Tree don't get back o nthat flight. Lovely job for you down her at Acadia. Hmmm man in uniform too I have been thinking a lot lately and am guilty of something that I am not sure is pertinent or not. I have focused this whole time (11 Months since I checked out) on showing how I have improved, on the importance of our marriage for the kids etc.... I haven't spent a great deal of time focusing on what the benifits would be for her. She wants out or wants something (I don't think she knows) because she wants to be happy with her. So maybe it has to be about them. What is it that they're missing that they need or want. Of course communication could solve the whole dilema but who the heck knows how to communicate. If we all did most of us would not be in our sitchs. Well personally anyway. In my case she readily acknowledges my changes but I don't believe feels them. If she did the comment about if I was in a bad way you would be nowwhere to be found illustrates that. And OMs (that testing of the waters) would be non existent. Hope to link this week Tree, but if not June is good!
Undoubtedly, what they want is what they want, but do they know what they want!!! My former Mrs. has been divorced for a year. If she is still with OM, my children has yet to meet him. So does she want that. If she isn't with him, it makes sense.
As for communication, we obviously didn't communicate well, but then again how can one read someone else's mind. I can only think of one way, ask. I know for me there are things that would still need to change about me before any real R can happen. So there is no need for me to approach any OR with the former. Where do you stand in all of this? Where does tree stand? (hey, are we dear hunting!)
darmar and tree, is there any communicating you can do?
I am suggesting something. It seems to me that tree's situations just goes. It is difficult to even say that it goes along. Reality, if properly defined, can go a long way.
IMP you are so right and I should be on your post shouldn't I ...sorry. What I mean with the communication is I believe it is up to the sender to make sure the reciever gets the message. So asking for clarifacation in my mind is good communication. It tells the sender you are not getting what you want to say across here, try again please. And your right they don't know what they want. My W and I had a phone sorta OR tonight and it sucked. I asked what she wanted. She said I think a divorce. I said no really what do you want? She has no flippin idea aside from telling me what I want or think. I corrected her in that citing she should ask what I think cause only I know that. None the less right agian about reality. Reality is Tree and H have a marriage despite the condition of same. Which is a much better place to build from then where I am at. I am convinced, despite not knowing Tree's H that this is a result of her efforts. (thats a compliment Tree). Are we not all just looking to find a place that is good for everyone. I said to W tonight this is all very sad. She replies it was ALL sad. So that goes to where her head is. DB DB DB I believe! Go Imp!
That is an excellent point that you make about the receiver not getting the message. There is more than one way to communicate. In my case, verbal communication is not within the realm of effective transmission devices. Actions are. That is because if things will work out with the former Mrs, she needs to see concrete things.
It is up to all of us to seek that which works for us. I must say that I have probably had more ORs than many who come to this board. Also, I did my share of dishing dirt. I feel that the ORs were good. I received information as to the problems even though much of what I said seemed to be dismissed. She still hangs around and she still feels a connection.
The communication thing has always been a stickler for me when coming to this BB. Too many people think that ORs should be avoided at all costs. But as you said - DB, DB, DB. One of the major tenets of DB is to do something different. And since most of us never had any real ORs, that might be something different.
It's hard trying to figure out what to do. You remember how I'd do the OR talks even when Duchess and you cautioned me to avoid them. Yes, I got emotionally burned a couple of times but I needed the data.
Then H started talking a bit then a bit more. There's one subject we have let slide into our past history. (I bet you're guessing the PA---Bingo!!!!). I can handle this because I KNOW he has finally moved on. It was the not knowing how he regarded her that kept triggering my emotional roller coaster re our sit. I realize that anothere person 'in your marriage' is only a symptom of the health of your marriage. Yet I had to know that the contamination was gone before I could stop picking at the scab, so to speak.
I saw in H's log that he'd said good-bye to OW. I made myself wait forever, hoping he'd tell me the scenario, but that didn't happen. I finally asked him , "Have you moved on" and kissed him silly when he said, "Oh I forgot to tell you that I closed that door one day last month. Wrote it down in my log at work; I'll show you. . .etc."
Big sigh...time to move on to another section that needs piecing. That turned out to be the eggshell caution. I decided I didn't want to live my life like that. Turns out H was waiting for me to relax.
You and your H can't read each other's minds. Just ask him for a clarification re status of the FA.
quote:Originally posted by lily: It's hard trying to figure out what to do. You remember how I'd do the OR talks even when Duchess and you cautioned me to avoid them. Yes, I got emotionally burned a couple of times but I needed the data.
Ah yes… the good ole OR debate. Your OR talks served you well, Lily, and mine served me well too. Does that mean they were painless?????
But, despite the pain, they worked. It’s a matter of timing. I started OR talks when I thought I was making progress. It hurt to find out that I hadn’t, but I needed to know that. Later, we had more OR talks, and we’re slowlee progressing to the point where we don’t even need ‘em. At least, that’s what I hope is happening.
You are right. Those ORs can hurt. I know the last one I had did. On the other hand, I told her a lot, and put myself on the line. And she still stays relatively close. Seems like it could be of value. IMP
![[Big Grin]](images/icons/grin.gif){kind=icon}
Hmmm man in uniform too