I THINK the divorce is busted?!!! NOW what?/

[treesa2]

Well... it's been awhile...
Cable access show... snort snort... have some ideas for you Fee but.... shall save that for a private email ok?

So... another story...
Our neighbours - I'll call them Jim and Jane.... split last summer. Jane is the WAW... Jim was devastated at the time.. I gave him the DR book after my H told me about them. She's so alien - fits the patterns we see here all the time.
Jim and I chatted a lot because I told him about our sitch. He was very very surprised because of course, my H has said nuttin to no one! Jim and H play sport together one evening a week.

Well Jane asked Jim to leave... They have been separated since Sept and Jim now has a new female friend. He stopped with the sport because of the new romance and my H and "the boys" are quite PO'ed about the whole thing.

Jim and I have had several long talks about his sitch, I warned him about what I figured would happen with Jane and if I do say so myself, I read things pretty accurately. In spite of her "fling" with the cliche guy at work, she's been having doubts and calls Jim a lot and I believe trying to find a way back. But Jim is pretty much done and couldn't do the DB thing.

Well Jim is now getting hot and heavy with new LF - they are buying a house together... and Jane is pretty much out of the picture... in spite of the fact that she's a mess.

So.... H and I are talking this weekend and he mentions about Jim not being around and that his new LF seems to have him on a tighter leash than Jane ever did. AND H then pipes up and says... "ya know dear... he seems to have gone out of the fire and into the fry pan. I just don't think he's behaving the way he should!"

Well to think that about 16 months ago, my H was ready to go the same route with a new LF himself and somehow seems to have curbed that desire from what I can tell. He sure is not impressed with friend Jim even though Jim was the deceived party and all that... curious.

We spent a very nice Easter with friends. Saturday evening dinner was a tad tense... with the teeny bopper daughter in serious selfish ME mode driving us all a tad mad... However we seemed to have survived yet another of her hormonal outbursts... and keep hoping she shows a human side occaisionally! This adolescent behaviour showed itself at church on Easter Sunday when again while at Mass I thought I was going to throttle her, and realized... oh gee I am in a holy place on the holiest day of the year... there's got to be a better way... and so... chose to ignore her bopper behavior... which seemed to work.

Prayers, hard work, zipping up with duct tape, supporting him whenever he does talk about work and stuff, letting him run the kitchen.. and just letting go... has really seemed to work for me and us. Slowlee slowlee... this monkey has his foot in the camp and in the trap....

tree
who actually has DONE a cable access show of her own.... really Fee... I'll send you the tapes! I was a cable star!
( ok.. I hosted a talk show talking to lawyers.... OMG... ever try to make civil litigation look interesting... never mind commercial law!)

[ April 01, 2002, 11:49 AM: Message edited by: treesa2 ]

[Duchess]

So tree let's see if I got this right..ya gotta an H who doesn't mind cleaning up kids vomit AND he likes to run the kitchen.

sigh..every girls dream..

duchess

[ April 01, 2002, 07:50 PM: Message edited by: Duchess ]

[treesa2]

well gee Duchess... when you put it like that.....

T

[darmar]

Haven't been by over in a while and thought dropping in would be a good thing. Wow the air here smells so good.
A real kiss. hmmmphhh have to say Im a little jelousbut remain hopeful at the same time.
So what do you think brought it on...time...Dbing...a combination. I used to think I was at this a long time, but Tree you got the er...er...er...fortitude (thats it) to hangi nthere. You are inspiring me. My bomb was really October, well barracks in July but "I want to be seperated came in Oct and finally the Q last month so wow!
See you here soon I hope.

[treesa2]

Story time - so you know me and lingerie hanging on the line. I did laundry on the weekend and had a row of lovely coloured undies on the line next to the sports gear. This included two pairs of undies H has not seen me wear. As I was taking things down he came up to me, grabbed things out of my hand and asked me why I had a "pantie parade" on the line and what was I doing to him, and WHERE did these two little items come from??"

So we had a good laugh and I told him that he could hang his little items next to mine on the line.

It took more than a year for him to say a thing... but it DID happen... a whole year!!!

As I told FS on her thread, I think I might create some "pantie parade art" next time I do laundry and include his little undies as part of the landscape....

On another front... my mom, only 69 years old, is very very ill. We don't think she'll live much longer as I learned from a very dear nurse friend last night. I got off the phone from talking with her and cried a good cry. H heard me, and came in and held me. It's really interesting.. his practical side just kicked in for me. It felt to me as if he was awkward in how he needed to help me but he was there. We talked about how I needed to headed home again - how I had to get my new laptop fired up, the sales trip cancelled for next week and a lot of things. He's been supportive in his own quiet way.
My C warned me of "using" emotions either from my own sicknesses - flu and minor stuff; as well as issues with parents to drive how I feel about him or to "force" him into playing a part he may not be ready to play. He does the "right" things. Does he do them because he feels he "has to" or because he "wants to?" Who knows. But I do wonder about this.

Tree

[ANS]

Hi tree,

quote:Originally posted by treesa2:

Does he do them because he feels he "has to" or because he "wants to?" Who knows. But I do wonder about this.

Has to? Wants to? It’s the same thing. Of course, he doesn’t want to have to. When one human being shows compassion to another, it’s completely voluntary. He would feel “obligated” to do the “right thing” for any good friend – even if it were to make him feel out of character. But, he’d want to do the right thing.

Don’t know if I explained this right, but all I’m saying is that for him to do something for you, on your terms, is a good thing. He doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to do.

BTW, sorry your mom isn't doing better.
Andy

[ April 09, 2002, 12:11 PM: Message edited by: ANS ]

[Wilma]

Hi tree -- thought I'd come visit you over here for a change. It's nice here. Not so desperate. I hope I'll be coming to live here soon.

I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry about your mother. It must be very difficult for you and I hope you know that we're all thinking about you and sending our love and strength.

I really like what Andy said -- about "have to" and "want to." That makes a lot of sense, but sometimes I know Fred has done exactly what he didn't want to do because he felt he had to. At least that's how he explains it to himself. So, as I understand what Andy's saying, it's really the same thing. He DOES want to because regardless of whether he wanted to exercise his choice, he did have one. And, wanting to do the "right" thing (i.e., obligation) is wanting to. Am I getting that, Andy? Maybe the problem is that they don't want to want.

Anyway, here's me -- -- wishing you well.

Take care,
wilma

[Duchess]

(((((((Tree))))))))))...I am so sorry about your mom.

Hugs

Duchess

[ANS]

Yeah, Wilma. You got it. Glad I wasn't too confusing in my explanation.

Like you said, the problem is that they don't want to want. I was thinking of it more in terms of I want to be wanted. My W tries to make me feel wanted, but for all the wrong reasons. She often tells me that she's glad I make enough $$ to keep our family relativly comfortable. Though that is important, it just makes me feel like money-bags.

Sometimes, she empathizes with me. She says things like "It must be hard for you when I don't react the way you want (to affection). When she says things like this, it makes me think that she wants to want, but just can't do it.

That hurts too, and perhaps that's what tree feels is missing for her too.

TTFN,
Andy

[treesa2]

thanks all... Andy... your distillation is good as always... and with Wilma's help... I think I am getting it.

Thanks all. I am hangin in.. I'll keep you all up to date. My hotmail is not accessible from the old laptop... settings changed... so I am behind in the hotmail. Ill get back in soon.
thanks for your hugs Duchess
Your thoughts and wishes are really appreciated. Know that it helps!

tree

[ April 09, 2002, 03:25 PM: Message edited by: treesa2 ]