Run with me through rows of Speeding Cars

[believing_isaiah43]

Hi, ya'll. I feel a bit like I need to post about my life in Piecing, and yet here is where I started lurking - for obvious reasons - and where I feel I "know" the wise and strong posters in this forum, and yet none of you know me. I'll try to do this in a nutshell, but it's got some crazy twists so please bear with me as I try to make it understandable.

Me: 39
formerly WAH: 40 next month
D6
S5
Married: 10 years, together for same. We met and married (eloped!) very quickly.
Multiple Bombs: December 2005 ("We need to separate"/ A discovery/ H was fired from job b/c of A/ and b/c I turned him in -ouch- worked in a Christian organization where you just don't do that and keep your job)

H's job had him traveling extensively over a third of the year for the last 5 years. Our marriage had been getting progressively worse during that time. He was pursuing me for a 'real' relationship, and I was defensive, controlling, passive/aggressive, just in complete denial about what a good marriage needed to be/looked like. Long nasty childhood, blah blah. I pushed and pushed him away emotionally, and he turned off the physical and stayed up late every night and never came to bed with me at the same time (we are opposite male/female stereotypes); these were the 2 big stalemates in our marriage.

Turns out he has had a business relationship/friendship with OW (also married with children) in a state waaaay across the country from us for the last 4 years, would see her for several weeks once a year when he was over there for business, sporadic emails throughout the year, and it turned 'personal' friendship (sharing too much info re: lives/marriages) around Nov 2004, became a 'sudden' EA around Nov/Dec 2005, and I stumbled upon it (emails) as it was 'becoming' in early December. I 'watched' it unfold via emails (hacked his personal email account after the 'we need to separate' phone call while he was away), found one 'inappropriate' email, forwarded it to his boss (emotional reaction encouraged by boss' wife, my friend. my first mistake). EA still had not become PA yet.

I fly out there to fight for my marriage within 2 days of discovery, and yet do not tell H that I know anything about OW, or that I have told his job and it's now in jeopardy. My own misguided fear that he should come back 'on his own' and not out of guilt from being 'caught'. Bear with my stupidity, I am in a panicked, haven't-eaten-or-slept-for-days fog of the worst sort at this time. Can't (and won't) see this error clearly for a month or more. Trip and ensuing discussion with H a complete disaster (he was too mad at me by then, and far gone) and I fly home the next day. STILL not having told him, 'hey who is this chick, and guess what? your job knows about her too.' Meanwhile (unbeknownst to me until much later), his company is pulling emails, and all correspondence he's ever had with OW, and building their case. All based on my little forwarded email. And NOT confronting him either, just behind the scenes stuff.

SO: 2 days after I fly home, EA becomes PA (again 'watched' as it unfolded via emails. OMGosh, it's still hard to think about this now). Only one time, but once is enough thankyouverymuch. "Misses" his plane home the next day, has to take the red-eye flight home, where he is met at work by 3 higher-ups and an interrogation. Sent home, crying, (calling her on the way) to tell me of the A. Swears it is over, that he 'wants to love' me like he used to, etc.

Within a day, that attitude is gone, and he is emailing OW into the wee hours of every night about how much he loves her and just doesn't love me anymore; she is the perfect woman, that was the best night of his life, all kinds of sexual stuff, etc. YA'LL. DON'T SNOOP; God, I would get up at 4 am every night during this time, and print them out (since he wanted to leave me, I thought I was getting evidence). Now that we are trying to work it out, THOSE WORDS he wrote haunt me - no matter how he renounces them now. They fall on me like a swarm of bees some days, and I can't breathe from the pain of remembering them so vividly. Snooping will get in the way of your future reconciliation efforts; just makes it that much harder of a hurdle to get over. Please trust me here. It sux to have those words etched in my soul. Plus I started to get deceived that perhaps THEY were meant to be together since they were friends for so long first, and we just met and fell madly in love quickly w/o a base of strong friendship first. This is what my friend calls "feeding the bad dog". If you have 2 dogs against each other, which one will win? The one you feed. You need to feed the 'good' dog (spiritual, emotional well being) vs. the 'bad' dog (obsessing over the affair partner, comparing yourself, etc). I still struggle with feeding the right dog.

Anyway, he's fired 12/20 (Merry Christmas), friends turn their back on him, and he now continues a phone/email relationship with this chick IN MY HOUSE until 1/24. The worst month of my life. PLUS he finds out (not from me) that I turned him in AND knew about it all along AND never confronted him. Is "done" with me, doesn't love me, "will never love" me again.

I can't move out, b/c in my state that's Abandonment, and I can't make him leave b/c Hi, he's unemployed, and I've been a stay-at-home mom for 6 years, and we have no income. So I go back to work, as I'm the only employable person in my household right now, in our small town.

Okay, I'm winding down (just worked a 12hr shift today, and am pooped!), so I'll finish the story later...
THUS ENDS PART ONE of my little saga. If you've read this far, I thank you for joining me and I'll leave you with some lyrics from a new Imogen Heap song that I play on repeat constantly on my iPod:

Here's the day you hoped would never come
Don't feed me violins just run
with me
Through rows of Speeding Cars

The paper cuts
The cheating lovers
The coffee's never strong enough
I know you think it's more than just bad luck

There, there baby, it's just textbook stuff
It's in the ABC of growing up
Now, now darling, oh don't lose your head
'Cause none of us were angels
And you know I love you, yeah

[RBinBR]

Wow! What great start to getting everyone fascinated in your sitch. I can't wait to read more.

[GratefulMama0204]

Say it isn't so... tell me more

[MonicaP]

Hi Believing,

Thanks for what you said about being deceived into thinking THEY are meant to be. I wonder (obsess) about that too. And I like the analogy of feeding the right dog I'm working on it. I'm curious about the rest of your story...

[deezee]

Is your new career as a writer? You're goooood at hooking the reader.......

[believing_isaiah43]

I know I shouldn't be surprised, but thanks so much for your generous encouragement to continue with my saga. I've seen ya'll post such support to each other during my lurkdom, and it's nice to be well-received. So thank you. There is nobody, I don't care how empathetic they are, that can really GET the enormity of this stuff except for those who've suffered it too. For that I am so grateful for all of you. It's an exhale of relief to tell this story to those who 'get it'. Although, Lord knows, I'm so sorry we're all here.

I have to say it's quite the undertaking to stop, turn around, and truly look the last 5 months full in the face in my effort to tell ya'll about it, when I've just mainly had my head down trying to plow thru the days without slitting my wrists. Ya'll know.

SO. where were we?

Ah, yes. The fourth Circle of Hell. Let's continue.

So, H has been fired, life as we know it has completely imploded, both inside and outside the marriage. His entire life, my H has been the picture of integrity. No, really. If you were to look it up in Webster's, he would have been pictured next to the definition. Yes, our marriage was rocky and difficult for some time, but never in ten thousand years did I expect this. I actually expected it from myself, had the opportunity presented itself, before I would have from him. I was the one with the high physical desires that were not getting met, and feeling unattractive, undesired, etc. w/in the marriage. If anyone was going to have an A, it should have been me. The irony does not escape me. Hell, I thought the man had low testosterone or something. Um, nope. He's just not digging ME. ouch. And writing words to OW that I would trade YEARS OFF MY LIFE to have had him saying to me all this time. Just yank my heart out and roast it over some charcoal. Same effect.

And let's just get a little snarky about the OW, shall we? Allow me that vent here if you would, b/c I can't do it much elsewhere. He's fired, they're emailing/calling in the wee hours, and she's going to tell her husband. Oh, yes, OF COURSE SHE IS (wink wink). She thinks she'll tell him over Christmas, since they'll both be off work to better work through things. Well, no she didn't tell him over the holidays b/c she didn't want to ruin her family's Christmas. Um, like MINE was? She'll find the right time to tell him....oh, and H's job hasn't told OW's job have they? Can you find out if they are going to tell? Maybe OW should go to counseling with her H, and the A come out then, in a safe environment. Well, no, she's not found a counselor yet. She's just not sure if there's a right time for this, and gee, if my H hadn't been fired maybe he wouldn't have told me, right? OMGosh, SHUT UP already. Ya'll. Is it any surprise to you that it's five months later and OW's H STILL DOESN'T KNOW? What a shock. Could she BE any more selfish? And any time my H emailed her with any remotely positive thoughts about me (esp. nearing the end of their contact), she said 'you know I've always said nothing but positive things about your W, but are you forgetting she's the one who threw you under the bus?' and rile him all up about my behavior. OMGosh, I so hate her. Yeah, still working on that forgiveness thing. Ya'll know.

Somehow, in this crisis I managed to do all the wrong things, but the LORD was/is still on His throne. I cried, cried, cried. Pleaded. Looked pathetic, and then would get mad and be a complete b*tch. Zero to 60 in 5.2 seconds. I was all over the place. Completely freaking out and could not get a handle on it. Then a very dear childhood friend shipped me "Love Must be Tough" - the book by James Dobson, and the CDs from the radio broadcast they had on it. It was my first resource in the Journey of Pulling My Sh*t Together. I highly recommend it to anyone coming apart at the seams over this stuff.

Again, I really take little credit in the U-turn this disaster took. It was all the Lord, and I still do not understand it. H realized that he could not have the destruction of a 2nd family on his head, no matter what happened with ours. He knew he had to get out of the picture of OW's life, and it felt like FOR-EVAH between him knowing that and completely doing something about it. In reality it was maybe two weeks, but I didn't think he would ever break it off, b/c frankly if it were me and I was crazy, wide-open in love with someone else (his words, remember. they still haunt), I would not have had the strength to leave it. no way. I am too selfish, I think. I would have been all "F this, I'm going with who I'm crazy about. damn the torpedoes", which is perhaps why the Lord protected me from being the WAS. I also think it's why God didn't protect H from losing his job. The fact that his ENTIRE LIFE was ruined beyond recognition played a huge part in getting H's attention.

The breaking-off process initially looked exactly like the A, frankly, up every night emailing. But then it got surreal. He would come to bed, wake me up and tell me a little about what was happening, "it's getting closer" etc. Leaving out the fact that there was still sexy talk, etc. that I knew about. By now, they had each switched email accounts twice, since my master hacking abilities were now public knowledge, and were completely confident that they were 'speaking' in private. Fools. I had a kick-*ss program installed on H's computer that logged his keystrokes, sent me screenshots, and logged every website he visited. Again, though, let me reiterate: DON'T SNOOP. That crap will drag down your reconciliation efforts. I am Exhibit A of that case.

Ya'll. This is draining, reliving the saga. Let's pause again for another day (or more, I work night shift this week. groan), and I'll leave you with some more lyrics from a song I love, "Reasons Why" by Nickel Creek:

Where am I today? I wish that I knew
Looking around, there's no sign of you

I don't remember one jump or one leap,
Just quiet steps away from me

I'm holding my heart out, and clutching it too,
The feeling is short of the love that we once knew

Calling this a home when it's not even close,
Playing the role with nerves left exposed

Standing on a darkened stage, stumbling through the lines
Others have excuses, I have my Reasons Why

[always_14]

WOW. First, happy mom's day.

Sorry about your saga of the past 7 months. Same time as mine. It's rough and takes every living breath out of you, it's a very special kind of hell. Come check me out in Piecing if you like.

So, where are you now? You said reconciling? Good for you. It's damn tough. How are you with it? So the A is tailing or over?

How are you doing? Health? Emotions? What are you doing to detach and take a breather? If he's still ending things and being weird about it, it's important to realize that you're not fully in reconciliation yet, and are still in detachment mode. Stay detached, if only to protect yourself and protect the little compassion you might still have left for H...you'll need that for the reconciliation and forgiveness part.

It's been a tough road, and will probably have tougher bends soon. Hang in there.

Something that you wrote in your original post that's wise to remember when you're feeling like falling in the deep pit of "why is this happening to me, this hurts like HELL." You mentioned that H DID approach you for a real M before, repeatedly, and you pushed him back. I DID THE SAME. I keep this in mind now. I look back at my behaviors and wonder "who in the WORLD was that b*tch? ME??!! How could I have acted like that and why didn't I wake up sooner?" Well....you didn't, neither did I. H's tried, waited, tried again. Then they moved on.

Now, it's OUR turn to try, wait and try again while they lift from a weird fog.

It's hard for me to think about my pain without thinking of H's. It's hard to believe that 2 people could hurt each other so badly especially after how crazy in love we were when we married. Ugh.

Hang in there...lots of pain all around...you'll be sifting for a while.. you can do this.

[believing_isaiah43]

Thanks A14, our lives are parallel. I completely agree with you about the what-was-i-thinking, who-was-the-b*itch-that-was-me stuff. Unbelievable. and sadder than anything that it took this for me to finally wake up and smell the French roast. I really don't think anything else was going to lift my blinders, and that makes me sick.

Yes, H is completely out of the affair, cut off contact in January, (remember she's many states away, so at this point it was not physical) and despite some repeated attempts of OW to contact him, H has remained steadfast in not responding or contacting her. Oh but I did - after her last attempt on my 10th wedding anniversary. Did she know if was our anniversary? No, but satan did, sister, you can believe that. But I'll save that story for when I get there.

It's taking me forever and a long day to get thru all this stuff. I apologize for being get-to-the-point challenged, but it's somewhat therapeutic for me to go slowly and look at each piece in perspective as I write the narrative. So I thank you all for your patience in waiting out the 'where the heck are they NOW?' answers.

Well, now I've started a habit, and I just cannot post without leaving you with some lyrics. Here's some Nichole Nordeman (haven't made it thru this without her music):

Started rubbing sticks together
I thought a spark would take forever
I never dreamt this fire would appear

When Moses saw the Bush in flames
And heard the branches speak his name
I wonder if he felt this kind of fear

'Cause I'm burnin' Yeah, I'm burnin'
And I know I'm gonna blister in these flames
So I'll stay here, 'Till this smoke clears
And I'll find you in the ashes that remain

[always_14]

Icky, parallel they are.

Sounds like you're doing well, overall. It certainly is the toughest thing I've ever been through.

So, GOOD NEWS, H is totally out of contact with OW. Aside from your 10th Anniv story (which you simply MUST tell soon, inquiring minds want to know), how are things between the 2 of you? Do tell.

In my case, H is still in contact with OW, away for the last 2 weeks, but 2 weeks before he left, he had a 'turning point' of sorts. It's all in my sitch in Piecing...if you can weigh in, I would appreciate. Feeling a little lost in the analysis dept, and would appreciate the wise advice.

Are ya having a good mother's day?

Post in your wonderful stories...we love them. Don't get to the point, we'll figure the point out ourselves. Tell your whole story....do what you need.

[grasshopper]

Ok, more already, lol. And I though I could post the long ones!

GH