Joanne, I am really happy that things are a bit better between you. I’m thrilled that he’s changing and that you’re noticing it and responding better in kind. That’s the beginning of a solution avalanche! So let’s keep going. You wrote:
Anyway, I'd better get down to the main topic. "I would like him to treat me at least as well as he does other people." 1. Yes, I want him to smile when he comes home and look happy to be here. He might tell me he's missed me or ask what's for dinner, suggest something to do that evening. 2. He can talk about work. If he's stressed about something, he can talk about it and I'll listen. Half an hour or longer, if necessary. When he's finished talking about it, I would like him to be interested and talk about plans for the evening or things in the house or ask me about my day. Basically though, he can talk at any time about anything that is on his mind about work but make sure he balances it with other things. 3. OK, sincerity and lightheartedness are attitudes, not actions. Perhaps he would tease me or ask what is for dinner, or notice something I've changed in the house, or changed about my appearance.
This is perfect. You got it right this time. You are being concrete, action-oriented, and your requests are certainly do-able.
I have said that he found certain things controlling and I suppose I'm not really being fair about that. To be truthful, his whole attitude during most of our marriage was that he felt I was controlling but he has changed that attitude and now realises that it wasn't controlling at all but that I was trying to build a balance in our life and relationship. He doesn't say that about me any more.
That’s great. I’m glad he realizes that your attempt at closeness was not a controlling gesture. He’s growing up! Good for both of you!
I have asked him if he feels that he is not NO 1 in my life, that I have treated him like he wasn't important and he says no, quite the opposite. However, there is a reason why I believe he might feel a lack of importance but that is not something I feel I would like to share on this board, nor do I feel it is relevant to this discussion. Sorry.
I am glad that you have done some soul-searching here. Joanne, it’s not important that I or anyone else on the board knows about this issue. What’s important is that YOU do, and if you’re correct about your assumptions, that you do something to make him feel more important. That’s great.
"I would like him to be interested in me, who I am and how I feel about everything and anything." He would ask me how my day has gone, ask me if I've been a basket case of tears or managed to get through the day, if I had any major traumas. It's difficult for me to go back to places we all shared and had fun and I'm not ducking that. It upsets me badly the first time and then gets easier. Going shopping is a nightmare for me.
I've also voiced feelings about what I want to do in my life. My life and my career has been standing still since I got married, and I really wanted to be a stay at home mother but always had to take a job to bolster up finances due to bad planning. So although I could have stayed at home and studied or done some of the things I wanted to, I was stuck at the same job and frustrated at not having enough time with my kids. That might sound like a bit of a contradiction. So the things he could say to me is "That sound like a good idea, tell me more." Or "Is there anything I can do to help get you information." In other areas, yes, he could say, "Why did you act like that to X?" "I heard what X said to you and I didn't like it, are you OK?" Yes, I want him to ask me more about my thoughts and feelings and I'm very clear about some things that I want in my life. My direction work wise is not clear. I've come up with a couple of ideas and kicked them around in discussions. He has started to be more supportive. The other day he said why don't I do a distance learning course in Psychology and we'd find the money so that I could do it. He also spoke to someone who has a friend whose wife does counseling here. His direct contact is going to find out some information about setting up to do that here, even perhaps arrange a meeting with this woman. So all that is positive and proactive and very helpful. I've told him I'd like to buy your package on KLA and will discuss this further to sort out the finances to accommodate it. I am happy with who I am but frustrated with not doing something productive with my life. I totally agree that if I had a satisfying career that would fit with the time I want and need to be with my family, then I might find that it simplified my thoughts and actions in my relationship. However, the relationship has to be right at the same time and support and teamwork must be part of it so that everything balances out.
You said a lot here. Basically, I think you’re saying that you want him to ask you questions about your thoughts and feelings about many different topics. This will show you that he’s thinking about you.
I’m not sure what you were talking about when you said you hate shopping or that going to places that were fun is hard for you, but that doesn’t really pertain to things you are asking from him anyway.
I know you are clear-headed about some things in your life, and not so clear about others…like your profession perhaps. It’s great that you are figuring that out and that he seems to be very supportive right now. Be sure to let him know, if you haven’t already, how very much it means to you that he is showing interest and caring about your happiness work-wise. I bet you told him that already though.
I know I probably don’t need to say this, but I really hope that you are not hanging on to lingering resentment about the past – having to work and not having felt satisfied with your job. It will only make you feel bad and prevent you and your husband from continuing to make progress. The past is the past, there’s no way to change that. But you can create your future and I see you doing that. Your thoughts about becoming a counselor sound wonderful. You’d be great as a counselor and/or …as a KLA leader. I truly can envision how you could help people find happiness in their lives. So, go for it!
You’re absolutely right that how you feel about your relationship impacts on how you feel about and the ease with which you can manage the rest of your life. So, you’re on the way to fixing that now. I’m glad that you can also see how, when you feel satisfied with what you’re doing everyday (your job, mothering, and so on), that it’s easier to feel content with your spouse. I talk with many women who don’t feel satisfied with what they’re doing with their personal lives and then spend too much time putting their marriages under microscopes. I realize that you could see flaws in your marriage with a naked eye, but I’m telling you, that once you find comfort in what you’re doing and having more balance in life, you husband will start looking better. I promise you. So, thanks for the honesty here.
"I need him to initiate talking that isn't about him or his job or other people but is about me, him and us." In hindsight, this sounds very selfish and self centered, but isn't meant to be.
It doesn’t sound selfish at all. I know you want balance. That’s fair enough.
I appreciate that this is difficult for him and he is getting better at it. No, I don't compliment him and talk my appreciation of that as much as I should.
I’m glad he’s getting better about this. I’m glad you understand this is hard for him. And finally, I’m glad you can see that you should compliment him more. Good for you on all three counts.
If he switched off everything in his head apart from the words I am saying to him, I would know this because when he replied to me he would use my words in replying to me, he would tell me that he understood and give me his perception of what I'm saying. I will talk to him about scheduling work talk time and OR talk time and we will come to an agreement.
What can I say… this is perfect.
Now, about me being too directive and him not standing up to me. Yes, I am direct and think I am pretty clear, although from this discussion I can see that there is plenty room for improvement!!! Our biggest problem in that area is that I am a very direct, up front kind of person. I don't play games, I don't manipulate and I'm not dishonest. Most of our marriage he has lied and manipulated to get what he wants. I simply ask. However, he decided that I was controlling and manipulative. I wasn't getting what I wanted from my marriage, in spite of asking, explaining why, and doing it in the simplest possible terms. For example, " Darling, if you feel you have to play golf 5 nights a week, could I please come with you once or twice?" Yes, I went for golf lessons so that it could be something we shared and enjoyed together. But he didn't want to share that with me, he wanted to play only with the boys. He wasn't getting what he wanted from the marriage and instead of sorting it out with me, he just went out and lived a life just for him. He felt me wanting to share these things with him was me trying to control him. He has always told me what he likes, wants and needs and I have bent over backwards to accommodate those but I drew the line at also living a life of my own without him. One, because I didn't want to give him permission to do that and two, because it didn't solve the problem and would only have encouraged our drifting apart. There was no way, no how, I was going to allow myself to be in a position to give in to the temptation of an affair. I can say very truthfully that I have never been in a position to be tempted and haven't cheated on my marriage in any way at all.
I am very happy to open up the Pandora's box. I want and need the whole package deal of honesty, both positive and negative. I am totally ready for the man I want him to become because I believe totally that the truth is always easier to deal with, no matter what it is. At least that way I will learn about who this man is that I am married to and learn also what I need to learn about living with that man. If I know where he's coming from, and I know where I'm coming from, we can work out the necessary compromises to make life easier for both of us and get on with really enjoying one another.
Good. I’m pleased that you are ready for the honesty you are asking for from him. The only catch is that when he tells you something that doesn’t coincide with your wishes, you really need to hold back from getting upset with him. Instead, you need to thank him for sharing, acknowledge the effort he’s making in being honest with you, and then gently tell him how you feel. IF you get angry when he’s sharing, you will shut down the door of communication.
To your earlier comment about his wanting to live his life separate from you. Some men have a hard time giving up their boyhood. They marry, but they still want to play their sports, hang out with their buddies eight days a week. If that is the person who your husband was, I can truly understand your hurt and resentment. I am so pleased that he has finally recognized the importance of your marriage and your family. Sometimes a crisis has to occur for men like this to wake up. Maybe this is what has happened in your marriage. Who knows? In any case, it’s truly a blessing that your husband now appreciates you and has a better understanding of what you want from him and your lives together. You’ve got a long way to go, but at least you’ve started on the right road. Congratulations!
Keep in mind that this road to healing is fraught with bumps and challenges. Just when you think you are really making progress, you’ll have a bad day- or a few, for that matter. That’s when you’ll start thinking, “See, I knew he couldn’t sustain these positive changes,” or “I knew these good things weren’t real.” But that’s not accurate. In truth, real change, the kind that lasts, is three steps forward and two steps back. As much as you’d like to eliminate hard times, it just doesn’t happen.
I know you’re cautious, and that’s good. The key here is to strike a balance between being somewhat cautious and somewhat excited about the possibilities. Having a foot in both camps will help you handle disappointments and allow you to feel joy in small steps forward. If anyone and do this, Joanne, it’s you.
Now onto the homework assignment. Quite frankly, I've asked myself this so many times and found it hard to come up with the answers. However, I do have to say that today we had a little disagreement and a discussion about trust. He said that he had noticed how much I have changed in the last few days and that has made him happier in the way he has treated me. I said maybe the way I'm acting is because of the way you have changed and the way you have been treating me in the past few days. He looked a little stunned and said, "I never thought about it that way."
As I’ve said over and over, it’s great that you are recognizing the changes in each other. It’s also great that you handled a disagreement in a more productive way. That’s an excellent sign. I want to remind you though Joanne, that when your husband tells you that you are different lately, I’m sure he’s right. Your changes are making it easier for him to be the man you want him to be. It’s equally important for you to figure out what you need to do more of in order to increase the chances he will continue to improve. For some reason, he likes you more this way.
Now you’re probably thinking, “I’m this way all the time, he just hasn’t had his eyes open.” Well, maybe some of that is true, but I suspect you have been different lately. And, as you’re about to see, I’m going to encourage you to figure out what’s different about you.
He is changing, slowly, but changing nevertheless. He is being much softer and gentler and making suggestions about things I do. My friend was here today and he said why didn't we both go out to lunch, he'd watch the children. He's living the caring and consideration but the difference is that he's enjoying it. I don't doubt for a second that the superficial things are important too, I do appreciate them and I tell him. But I can feel the difference now. He's not doing them because he believes he's doing something wonderful for me, he's doing them because he wants to.
I’m delight that he wants to be more involved for himself, but it’s essential that you understand something important here. There are times when it’s absolutely okay, even wonderful, if he does something to please you, even if his heart isn’t completely in it. That’s what real giving is all about. You can’t always expect him to want what you want, to value what you value. The fact that he would be willing to do things that might be more important to you than him, is an act of caring. Take it for what it is. Having said that, it’s still glorious that he’s appreciating the things you hoped he would.
He's a physical person, that's his language and I'm beginning to stop feeling threatened by it and just enjoying it. And if you want to know why I feel threatened by it, it's because that is always his way of getting me to give in to what he wants. But……..I have to keep reminding myself that those gestures are in the past and that we are working at building a new and different future. I don't expect everything to change, this is my H, and there are some things that won't change. The things that are worth keeping are his physical affection and his fun. Those are things that I need to nurture. There are probably lots more but I need to stop here. My computer time as run into excess and together time is calling.
You are being realistic here and that gives me great hope. You sound more accepting of him and quite frankly, acceptance is a big part of what makes relationships healthy. He’s coming closer to you, and you’re coming closer to him. Bingo! You’ve got it. Now keep doing what works!
Actually, there are two homework assignments
1- I want you to write down three things you need to (continue to) do so that your husband will continue to feel motivated to please you. In other words, what in your new approach makes in more likely that he wants to be kind and supportive. Please don’t just say, “His changes have nothing to do with me, he just finally understands what I’ve been saying all along.” Take some responsibility here. If you can’t figure out how you’re different, feel free to ask him. Get him to be specific. He already said that you’re being nicer to him. How are you being nicer? That’s what we need to know. 2- This is still the homework assignment I gave you a few days ago. Keep track of what’s happening in your lives together that you want to continue to happen. Be specific- just like the goal-setting exercise. What are both of you doing when things are working? What’s different about your life, your family, your work, and so on, when things are going smoothly? Then post your list here.
Bottom line, Joanne, you are truly a remarkable woman. There are many women who, when they feel hurt, resentful, or devastated in the way you have, just simply walk away. Everyone here knows that. We admire your strength and your values. Your husband and your family are very lucky to have you. And so are we, for that matter. Over to you again.
He would ask me how my day has gone, ask me if I've been a basket case of tears or managed to get through the day, if I had any major traumas. It's difficult for me to go back to places we all shared and had fun and I'm not ducking that. It upsets me badly the first time and then gets easier. Going shopping is a nightmare for me. ____________________________________________
Sorry this sounded so out of relevance. It all relates to the roller coaster of grief regarding the death of our daughter. It doesn't relate to this discussion but is obviously a very big part of our daily lives at the moment, for both of us. For me the focus on our marriage serves to busy my mind and for him I think the loss has forced him to look at our life together differently. Even as I write he is lying in bed reading DB and that can't be bad.
Surprisingly, even to me, I am not hanging on to any lingering resentments about the past. I have surprised myself about how completely I have forgiven him. I have to say there is still a sting of anger and hurt when I think about the affair, but quite frankly, these days, I just don't think about it. My mind is set firmly on the future and not the past.
I have gone through all these goals but the ones that really stick in my mind are the ones that I must take action on. I must appreciate verbally more and I am becoming better at thanking him for the things he does for me. I have always appreciated it but probably not told him that enough.
You want me to look at the way I have changed. More than anything, I have relaxed. I have accepted his intentions and that they are good. Not always on target, but I laugh more about that now instead of jumping down his throat. I'm not as defensive as I used to be (or feel) and I'm not pushing him to talk all the time. I bring things up now in gentle conversation instead of making a major "do" out of it. I'm doing more asking questions and listening to the answers instead of "telling him" or complaining. I don't expect him just to know how I'm feeling any more. I am being more physically affectionate and can feel that becoming more of one of my needs as we become closer.
One thing I need to do more of is control my mouth and listen. I am very guilty of listening and then jumping in with a question or whatever and trying to turn it into a discussion. I know I'm far more articulate verbally than he is, especially on tough subjects like feelings. I get frustrated and something jumps out of my mouth practically unbidden. This does not get a good reaction. However I am working on it and trying very hard to be more conscious of it and to not stop his flow of words.
I need to keep on being grateful for all the good things he does, no matter how small or insignificant they seem to me. I know I need to do that to build up his self esteem and belief that he's going in the right direction.
I need to keep on being relaxed and take a part in making fun between us.
That's my list for today but I'm sure I'll find plenty more on all fronts. I'll keep watching and seeing and listing and let you know.
All in all, I have to say that things are going pretty well. I know they have a long way to go yet but with both of us working on this, I am more enthusiasic than cautious. I have been writing down these goals and wondering just how I translate them into the relationship. However, they don't translate directly off the paper. It's more a case of how you think. When those goals are in your head, it's more what you do to make them happen than telling someone it's what you want from them. Little bits of all of them come into daily life. Some of them are direct requests and some of them come down to getting what you give. To me they seem to change the balance of my expectations and really make me see things differently. I cannot have silent expectations of my H and the way I go about having him meet my needs is to ask for it in a different way and not always with words. All these are of course more changes in me. I always thought I did so much for him and yet now I seem to be doing so much more by doing less and getting much more out of it for me.
It's now after 1am here and he's still reading the book. I am impressed. If that's not a major change, I don't know what is.
Just a small addendum to the above message. I asked my H to tell me what changes he had noticed in me and he gave me almost exactly what I said myself.
He's enjoying reading DB, but I was slightly mistaken last night. I found he had fallen asleep while reading with the light on and was fast asleep when I went in. Still, I'm not complaining. I'm warming up on the inside and can feel a little twinkle coming back into my eyes. For a long time I've thought that I would never feel that way about him again, so it's rather a nice feeling.
Bye for now
Joanne
I think we may do some talking tonight so I shall watch myself carefully and see what traspires.
Good to hear from you again. I will respond to your post.
Sorry this sounded so out of relevance. It all relates to the roller coaster of grief regarding the death of our daughter.
Honestly, I was wondering about your and your husband's grief. It's impossible to imagine how you're coping with that and working on your marriage at the same time. I know you say that your marriage is helping you keep your mind busy and that's good. I just want you both to know that my heart goes out to you.
Surprisingly, even to me, I am not hanging on to any lingering resentments about the past. I have surprised myself about how completely I have forgiven him. I have to say there is still a sting of anger and hurt when I think about the affair, but quite frankly, these days, I just don't think about it. My mind is set firmly on the future and not the past.
I know I've said this before, but let me say this again. You are wonderful. It's amazing how, when you set your mind to something you go after it. I know you probably have times that aren't perfect, to say the least, but you truly are fixed on the future and that's what it takes to create a happier marriage.
I have gone through all these goals but the ones that really stick in my mind are the ones that I must take action on. I must appreciate verbally more and I am becoming better at thanking him for the things he does for me. I have always appreciated it but probably not told him that enough.
So smart of you to internalize this and to act on it. Thanking people goes a really long way, even if we're not 100% sure they deserved it! YOu're definitely on the right track here.
You want me to look at the way I have changed. More than anything, I have relaxed. I have accepted his intentions and that they are good. Not always on target, but I laugh more about that now instead of jumping down his throat.
Joanne, this is what happens in good relationships. We give our spouses the benefit of the doubt. They may not always get things right, but we are quicker to assume that, for the most part, they're trying. I'm so glad you are feeling this way more and more. It will make staying on track much easier. Lightheartedness is another key to marital satisfaction. So, bravo!
I'm not as defensive as I used to be (or feel) and I'm not pushing him to talk all the time. I bring things up now in gentle conversation instead of making a major "do" out of it. I'm doing more asking questions and listening to the answers instead of "telling him" or complaining.
This is fantastic! I'm sure he feels more loved by you. You are so insightful and I'm so excited by your changes in this area! You have become much more realistic about your marriage and your husband and because you have, he will evolve into being more of what you want him to be! Just watch!
I don't expect him just to know how I'm feeling any more.
I'm not sure, but this might be one of the most important changes so far! I know he wants to please you and he will get better at it over time, especially since you are helping him get clearer about your needs. This is great!
I am being more physically affectionate and can feel that becoming more of one of my needs as we become closer.
Isn't it wonderful? He loves being physical, and now this is becoming more important to you. I'm sure he's thrilled about this.
One thing I need to do more of is control my mouth and listen. I am very guilty of listening and then jumping in with a question or whatever and trying to turn it into a discussion. I know I'm far more articulate verbally than he is, especially on tough subjects like feelings. I get frustrated and something jumps out of my mouth practically unbidden. This does not get a good reaction. However I am working on it and trying very hard to be more conscious of it and to not stop his flow of words.
Good girl. I know it's hard to keep quiet when you want to fill in the blanks or move the conversation in a different direction, but you are absolutely right about what you need to do. You are so honest with yourself. I'm very impressed, I must say. Your husband is very lucky, indeed.
I need to keep on being grateful for all the good things he does, no matter how small or insignificant they seem to me. I know I need to do that to build up his self esteem and belief that he's going in the right direction.
I need to keep on being relaxed and take a part in making fun between us.
You're right about both of these things. They are both keys to making your marriage work.
All in all, I have to say that things are going pretty well. I know they have a long way to go yet but with both of us working on this, I am more enthusiasic than cautious. I have been writing down these goals and wondering just how I translate them into the relationship. However, they don't translate directly off the paper. It's more a case of how you think. When those goals are in your head, it's more what you do to make them happen than telling someone it's what you want from them. Little bits of all of them come into daily life. Some of them are direct requests and some of them come down to getting what you give. To me they seem to change the balance of my expectations and really make me see things differently. I cannot have silent expectations of my H and the way I go about having him meet my needs is to ask for it in a different way and not always with words. All these are of course more changes in me. I always thought I did so much for him and yet now I seem to be doing so much more by doing less and getting much more out of it for me.
Joanne, what you wrote here says it all. I truly hope that anyone visiting this site who is considering leaving a spouse because he or she believes s/he has tried everything will read what you have posted. It have hit on the real mechanics of how solution-oriented thinking works. So often I help people set goals, not so that they talk to their spouses necessarily, (and that's okay too) but so that it helps them change their thinking. Without telling you this, (it isn't necessary to do so) you have figured this out completely!
Your instincts, your insights, your love and dedication will be the building blocks you need to have the kind of closeness you've been yearning for..for a long time. In fact your last post,
I'm warming up on the inside and can feel a little twinkle coming back into my eyes. For a long time I've thought that I would never feel that way about him again, so it's rather a nice feeling.
brings tears to my eyes. I know that you both have work ahead of you, that there will definitely be ups and downs, and that we can't get over-zealous just yet, but the fact that you've got a little twinkle in your eyes is just incredible. Especially when you consider what you're both going through right now, a twinkle and warm feelings are nothing short of a miracle, a miracle that you are both working really hard to make happen. I'm very happy for you both.
Keep track of what is continuing to work.
Fondly, Michele
[This message has been edited by Michele (edited 09-11-2000).]
Well, I seem to have gone through a whole new learning experience and for that I thank you. The whole process of DB never stops amazing me. Why? Because of it's simplicity. As human beings we are in so many ways a complicated mix of feelings, intelligence, education, problems etc. Our daily lives are filled with all the things that make 'life' and it sems that our nature is to complicate matters, most epescially in relationships.
I am continually surprised at your ability to direct us to simplify things down to the absolute basics. It makes us think so differently and turns our complicated and turbulant thinking and feeling into a calm and thoughtful process. Most of all, it makes us surprise ourselves as we find the ability to loosen up our clogged up brains and see more clearly. Moreover, going through this process actually forces you to detach the emotions and be objective and quantifiable about what you want and need.
After your last post, I made the decision to let my H read this topic and see what has gone on here from start to finish. Partly because I don't like hiding things from him and if I want him to be open and honest, I believe I should be too in all areas. The other part was to let him see the process too in the hope that he might learn something about it. He also saw that I am still working very hard on both myself and the relationship.
He has asked me to say a big thank you from both of us for your caring, your assistance and the valuable time you have given here to hopefully help not only us, but others too.
I know we have a long way to go, but in the meantime, things are pretty good. He even scheduled an OR talk, so that's a move in the right direction. Patience is always hard but I'm learning not to have huge or fast expectations but to slow down and really see what is going on and appreciate the small steps.
I reckon we are pretty much finished with this for now. I know you have a really busy schedule this month and just can't thank you enough for taking the time out to do this.
It's interesting that nobody appears to have commented on any of this but I sincerely hope that it has been of use to others as it has certainly been to me.
Dear Joanne , I really appreciate your gratitude. It means a lot to me. I want to thank you too. Thank you for your honesty, your willingness to look inward and share your story here with us so that the DB family can learn from you and cheer you on. You both are special people.
The reason no one has commented is that I asked them not to, not on this thread anyway. I just wanted this thread to be a dialog between me and you, JOanne. People have been kind enough to honor that. I am going to open a thread for people's responses. Whether they write or not, I know you have touched many people here.
Also, I want you to know that if you want to stop this process now, that's absolutely fine with me. However, if you want to check in once a week or even once every two weeks and let us know what's working and how you are keeping things on track, that would be great too. It's entirely up to you. Whatever you decide, I just want you to know how very, very proud I am to have you part of this DB community. I'm sure everyone here will agree that the world would be a better place if more people were like you.
Thanks Michele. I wasn't exactly planning to stop and will be very happy to continue with whatever you think may be the next step. I'll happily discuss any topic from DB and no doubt learn from it. However I didn't want to take for granted that you would have the time to continue as I'm sure you are in demand from lots of people and lots of places on top of writing your books.
I will, for sure, check in with a progress report at the very least.
Great! From time to time, just let us know- in concrete terms- what's working, what you both are doing to stay on track, and when you hit bumps in the road, what you both do to get back on track. That's you're homework! Michele
Dear Michelle and Joanne: Whew! I just finished reading most of the post. I congratulate both of you on really showing how the process can work out. I have read DB twice, and it is nice to see things set out so clearly. Joanne, after I read your first post, when you explained the reasoning behind a walkaway wife's decision, I got cold shudders running through my body. Everything you said really mirrored what my wife is going through, and everything that she has been trying to tell me. Now she is feeling exhausted and numb. She feels that she has controlled the relationship for our entire marriage, and she is sick and tired of me not "getting it." We have been separated before, and we got back together. I thought everything was fine, but I did not listen or look closely at the signs my wife was trying to give me. There has been no affair, abuse or anything like that. I just did not know how to love her the way she has needed me to love her all this time. And now she is talking the "D" word, and I am freaking out. She has said this past January that it is over, that her love for me is no longer there, that she is afraid of being hurt all over again, and that there is nothing I can do. Obviously I am freaking out. I did not know how precarious things were. I am still in the same house, for the sake of the kids right now. They are very young (6 and 3)and so far are not showing any visible signs of stress. Daddy has his room and Momma has her room. I am learning so much of what I have done and where I have failed. Joanne, your posting hit me the hardest today. I just wish that I could somehow get her to see that I am capable of changing for the better of myself and the marriage. Recently, I saw a family picture of our family taken in November, and I couldn't recognize who I had become. I have been trying to get myself back, and I have been doing fine with it. I feel better about who I am and what is important to me. I have also invited God back into my life, for I have never done so much praying before. But I am getting desperate about changing things. I have not resorted to begging, pleading or manipulating, and my wife has noticed the changes (so much so that she does not know what to really trust). I do love my wife more right now than I ever have in the relationship, and it is hurting me like crazy that she is so closed off that she cannot accept it. I would love for her to read your postings so that she would know that she is not alone and that I am more aware about what is happening/has happened. We have known each other for many years, and I hurt her many times over the years. I knew that I had to accept responsibility for these wrongs, and I wrote out each separate incident and simply apologized for each one (it was a lot: 7 pages worth). After I saw the list, I felt awful and hopeless. No wonder she does not trust me anymore. I do not want to be like I was. I want to offer more for her, for her sake and the sake of our family. What should I do to catch the notice of someone I absolutely love, who has been hurt because I could not give her the intimacy she has needed, and I did not put her first in my life? How do I prevent what I think would be a terrible wrong? She is just like you, Joanne. She fears any changes in me would be temporary and short-lived, and that she would only get hurt again. I do not want to hurt her. I only want to truly love her. Any advice, from anyone?
YOu're definitely on the right track here.