Moving On

[wonder]

You have to remember the the WAS feels the entire time that they've been talking about the problem forever, and at the same time they felt like the LBS was the one not wanting to talk about it or fix it.

So, when I walked out, when I left, I wanted him to let me go. I wanted him to let it go. I wanted to find our way back without all the relationship crap we've been emersed in. We had so much crap around us that we couldn't see our hand in front of our face. I was no longer wanting to talk my way back there. I wanted to start doing stuff for me, him to start doing stuff for him and for us to mutually find our way back to each other. The irony at this time is that the LBS is more interested in reestablishing commitment by words than they are and just working to cultivate the relationship.

Hi Nickel,

I think a lot of WAS feel the way you describe feeling, but also think it's dangerous to assume all of them do. Many of the LBSs I've met here are definitely interested in working on the R as well as in talking about it. A lot of them work their butts off, actually.

That may not be the case with your XH. But I don't know how one can work on something effectively without addressing it upfront and fully. Otherwise isn't it all just a bunch of assumptions being made about who wants what?

Although a WAS might want to go off and do whatever and just find their way back, I think it's important to note here that to some LBSs, this is simply unacceptable behavior within a committed R. One of the things my long-ago therapist suggested to me (which turned out true in my case) is that everyone he'd ever treated in that sitch was dealing with unhappiness that's more about self than about marriage.

My best guess is that the interest in hanging on through that wanes considerably when the LBS spends more time with folks who don't put them through that kind of wondering, whether those folks are friends, OP or whatever.

I reached a point about a year before we D'd that until my XH was able to conduct himself as an adult in a R, I was not all that interested in even a friendship. I'd held out hope that he'd come to that place because I care deeply, but the reality is he's still working on that one, though some definite progress has been made.

One of the best conversations we've ever had started with me telling him that he needed to grow up and stop wishing to go back in time but to USE the time he had right here, right now, in the actual circumstances he was in to do something different.

The way he describes it to me today is that he didn't want to deal with himself and what his leaving had done to our R... and that facing his own self was the biggest thing required of him in dealing with that elephant in the room. For me, I'd rather not be in R with someone who needs to skirt what's real for me to make himself comfortable.

It's like when you fear something so much it becomes bigger and bigger in your mind, and if you just talk about it and get it all in the open, it goes away a lot faster.

"I made some mistakes, you made some mistakes, we hurt each other, but now you know what you know, I know what I know and those are all very good things, must we talk about all the things that went wrong? Must we continue to communicate in the same way? Let's just start over...Hi, I'm Nickel. I like skiing, golf, tennis, and having a great laugh. You are?"

Maybe, to feel safe, some WAS need to start over and not be willing to have frank and honest conversations about the reality between you until it's resolved.

But to feel safe, some LBSs also need to process all of it... until they are done, until they feel they have the answers they need to move forward. I know that for this LBS, I have NO desire to dwell on that past pain, but I'm sure not going to skim over it and not deal with it head-on so that it can just resurface down the road in some other way. If my XH approached me in this way, quite honestly, he wouldn't get the time of day.

Acknowledging and talking about the hurt until both parties feel resolved with it can be a big part of getting back to a place of trust. It's a loving act.

Shirley Glass, Michele and others talk about this with As, but I suspect that for some people, the very act of leaving the M feels enough of a betrayal where some of those same feelings would surface. It can be very much a trauma.

Sure, some people do get stuck in that trauma place. But many just need their time to process it, and to decide if they want to take a risk with someone who's already hurt them, especially if there are other options (and really, there are always other options).

~ wonder

[DavidM]

One of the things my long-ago therapist suggested to me (which turned out true in my case) is that everyone he'd ever treated in that sitch was dealing with unhappiness that's more about self than about marriage.

Hey Wonder... Boy does this sound familar! Why is it then that for the past 14 months it's all been YOUYOUYOU did this to me? When WILL it end? I am so tired of it all, I'm at the point that I almost welcome the D being final this Friday. And I sincerely hope W comes to a place where she realizes what her issues are and how to resolve them. She says she knows she has issues and defines some of them but then turns around and gets angry (in her quiet way) w/ me and you can just hear the venom/hurt/anger in her voice.

But to feel safe, some LBSs also need to process all of it... until they are done, until they feel they have the answers they need to move forward. I know that for this LBS, I have NO desire to dwell on that past pain, but I'm sure not going to skim over it and not deal with it head-on so that it can just resurface down the road in some other way.

I most definitely would want to discuss this to death; as a matter of fact that's what she says we needed to do in 1989 and didn't! I don't want to beat her up over this; I want to come to an understanding of who did what or not and how that affected our PERCEPTIONS of each other and the M.
I'm just so tired of it all. As is she. I pray that in 6, 8, 10 months she'll want to sit down and talk, be around me and just spend time together and see what happens. Not counting on it though.

[GratefulMama0204]

Never again will I allow others to have such a say in how I lead my life or heal. Those who love me will care enough to listen and offer suggestions when I need it and/or want it. The others don't get past the sentry at the gate to my heart and soul.

I feel like you are speaking my soul's truth as well.

I am glad you are posting. It is wonderful seeing someone who came out the other end of hell more complete than ever.

Isn't it interesting that we wouldn;t wish the pain we experienced on our worst enemies, yet it caused us all to take stock of our life and become who we always were destined to be.

Thanks for posting.

[Glenda_aka_kc]

Never again will I allow others to have such a say in how I lead my life or heal. Those who love me will care enough to listen and offer suggestions when I need it and/or want it. The others don't get past the sentry at the gate to my heart and soul.

Sometimes I find it terribly ironic how so many of us go through such similar paradigms. I remember telling XH how disappointed I was. [My honesty sometimes, well, okay, lots of times, gets me into trouble. I loved XH a lot from the start but I had what I know was a stand-offish character. Too many prior abandonments for emotional trust to just bubble to the surface. I remember him telling me how different he was and why I should trust him to mean he would love me and want to be with me always.] In our years together, I did love him and learned to trust him...giving love, heart, and soul. I think it was too much...and I doubt the guardians around my heart will ever open the gate that wide again. But, I've been thinking about this very recently and then to read the same type of thoughts on your thread makes me wonder if the LBS goes through similar MLT transitions to the WAS who is in MLC. I still think XH is in MLC. He is like a teenager and it is all about me, me, me....or so it seems. I guess I don't really know and will never really know. I'm just pleased that I'm learning to let go of those things over which I have NO control.

Tonight was power tool night again for me. I'm prepping the subfloor and will be heading out to get 1/4" plywood to put over that before the carpet gets here for my bedroom. I'm not sure if my friend and I are going to try our hand at carpet installation or just install the padding....probably the latter and then I need to hire a carpet installer. I'm going to post some pics of bathroom on my space and I'll get some of the bedroom on soon, too.

I'm becoming a whiz at this stuff. Well, if you can call six weeks to remodel a bathroom a whiz but I also had a bout of neuritis in there and I can only work on the house stuff Friday night and Saturday due to work schedule of day job and two clinics otherwise.

I'm glad you and Michele are posting again. i haven't posted to my own thread much lately. No time and little inclination. Not sure what that says about me.

[kml]

. i haven't posted to my own thread much lately. No time and little inclination. Not sure what that says about me.

Uh...it means you've been busy remodeling!!!!! You rock, girlfriend!

Ellie

[Glenda_aka_kc]

Thanks, Ellie. I will honestly tell you my 50-something body feels like it has been hit by rocks many mornings. I am quickly coming up on the one year anniversary of sleeping wherever, on whatever and the desire to get my bed out of storage [no room for it in apartment and here I made decision not to until flooring is in bedroom -- great inspiration to get 'er done] is at an alarmingly high level! I'm back to sleeping on a floor mat. I don't know what I was thinking when I got an inflatable air bed a few months ago to get by. I think the dogs must have used it as a trampoline while I was gone during the day...it's flatter than a pancake and one of them chewed the cord to the pump...not all the way through but enough I don't want to risk a homestyle perm plugging it in.

I'm still going to count the positive blessings. It beats the heck out of a park bench by golly.

My stop tonight between jobs is Home Depot again. They know me on a first name basis. Time to pick up the plywood for the over floor and call to see if the carpet is in.

kc

[Underdog]

Glenda--Do you make house calls? I'd love to have a GF who is handy, and I'd be more than happy to swap favors.

Today is my 1st Annivorcery! Nickel said, "Sorrulations?" Okay, that just cracked me up.

It sure looks like it's going to be a day worth celebrating. After last week's sadness, I've been really considering getting rid of my hot tub--which has been a sore point with me since Mr. Wonderful left anyway. I came into work with my shiny attitude, asked my colleague if he knew anyone who might want to buy a hot tub, and he's going to take it. We've been busy negotiating the finer details this morning, but I just want to say that paying for D12's braces is not going to be a problem.

Here's to life, post-D. Just color me a very happy survivor... life doesn't get any better than this. The weather is absolutely gorgeous and I'm driving a convertible. Sigh. Who needs a sullen XH? Not me!

Betsey

[CMNM]

Call me slow, but I get it now!
You see, the other day I thought to myself, "my goodness, Betsey spelled a word wrong." Then, lo and behold, there it was again today. Then it dawned on me... anniversary of divorce!!! Wow, I'm a genius!!!

Thank goodness I didn't write to you and say, "What a DILEMNA, you spelled anniversary incorrectly" because that was my first thought...
XO,
Still not Crazy making, even though I have more than enough reason to...

[koshka]

Betsey,

Happy Annivorcery! Leave it to you to find a way to make this a celebration!

I just want to say that paying for D12's braces is not going to be a problem.

Shouldn't Mr. W be kicking in on that? Seems to me that you should be able to use the hot tub money to take yourself somewhere you wouldn't need a hot tub, like, say, Jamaica? It's like when XW started talking about the porch swing in our D negotiations, and her L turned to her and said, "Who gets the porch?" Your house is your house, and D12's braces should be a shared expense, shouldn't it?

Anyway, again I say, "Happy Annivorcery!" Does Hallmark have a little card I can carry in my wallet listing the "traditional" and "modern" annivorcery gifts?

Thanks,

Joe

[Underdog]

Joe-

Okay, you got me there! If they made a line like that, I'd probably buy one... it doesn't seem like all that long ago that Meredith and I were shopping for birthday cards for our XH's in a mall (they weren't X then). We were both searching for a line that addressed birthday cards to estranged husbands. Alas, we didn't find any.

Rest assured, Mr. Wonderful and I are splitting the bill for D12's braces. It's just hefty, and requires a $1K down payment to proceed. I let him know that I could cover the deposit, and he could take over the payments after I complete my half (a month or 2 at most).

After 3 1/2 years, I don't think you have to worry about me having to go after Mr. Wonderful for money on behalf of our girls. He's been fair and equitable all along. Oh, and he's also been happy to agree to consult with my friend on the hot tub installation. It all worked out, and probably will for the indefinite future. (Plus he doesn't need to know about the hockey bets I make on the side, does he???)

Say, instead of keeping a wallet sized reminder of the type of annivorcery, what about we make a pact to get rid of a marital asset every year? I'm starting by ridding myself of the hot tub! You might consider getting rid of the porch...

Okay, time to prod D12 up to bed. We've just had a grueling evening watching hockey (can you tell Mom's bet was NOT on the Oilers?) and finishing out American Idol. She's crashed on the couch, and I need to make sure she has all her volleyball crap for her games tomorrow.

Now that's been even more entertaining than the thought of celebrating my first annivorcery.

Party on!

Betsey

p.s. Pam, I'm glad you're just slow. I'm happy this isn't a dilemna for you, so thanks for your imput.