Looking backward but only to look forward SIX

[amd]

How's that new plan working, Sage?

[sage]

Guys -- I'm sorry to have posted and run...disappeared actually! The only time I feel like I have to post is during the work day and I feel quite weird about doing that (boss is an IT guru and is most certainly keeping track!).

Anyway...I do very much appreciate the insights and support and help from you all so please don't take my silence as a lack of gratitude.

The weekly dates have been put into place (we've only missed one week -- we were all horribly sick) and seem to be making a positive difference. H is definitely more relaxed, more lowkey, more I don't know...everything good. I'm also trying to be more attentive, to be more focused on him when possible (much more often and more directed) though truth be told, I'm sure I could still use an attitude adjustment more often than not. I'm still quick to leap to negative conclusions in my mind regarding his actions and even though I don't act on those thoughts, I'm sure they're clouding my judgement. I've got to get back into a more positive, let it go, frame of mind.

And, of course, regularly posting would help that a great deal, no?

Positives:

1. H has emailed and texted me a few times today -- all good stuff!

2. He acknowledged that I had a rough night last night (as baby did)

3. He told Charlotte that "mommy looks good in her new jeans" -- I don't :-( but it was nice to hear anyway!

BBL, Sage

[amd]

You sound good, Sage!

"I'm sure I could still use an attitude adjustment more often than not. I'm still quick to leap to negative conclusions in my mind regarding his actions and even though I don't act on those thoughts, I'm sure they're clouding my judgement. I've got to get back into a more positive, let it go, frame of mind." So, what steps will you take to get there?

[IAChild]

Sage,

Just checking in to re-bookmark your thread. I'll be back later with some thoughts, though I must say it's hard to remember waaaaaaaaaay back when my kids were babies!

[sage]

Hi guys,

GRRRRR. Let me say upfront that my posts in the coming days/weeks will touch on the trivial -- the downright banal -- nothing earthshattering, nothing gripping, just day to day BS that is driving me nuts. It's amazing to me how "quickly" the stuff I so consciously let go of lo many years ago is back driving me absolutely nuts. But, I want people reading to know that I recognize that this is not the stuff that big deals are made of...but I swear, it's the little stuff that is like sand in a bathing suit...know what I mean?

Last night, h called me to tell me that he was going to be late coming home...bad thing is he called me 5 minutes after I normally get home (I wasn't home yet, had run into traffic), which is a full 40 mins after he usually leaves work. arrgh. That just drove me bats*&t. It's all about expectation...I expected him to be home to help and he wasn't whereas tonight, I knew he was going to be out (yes, Ellie, a work function -- no spouses!), and he's tripping all over himself to apologize about being gone. Here's the deal, h, (and I tried to tell him that tonight)...if I can plan for it, mentally, I'm fine. It's the surprises (not caused by famine, tragedy, natural acts of God) that drive me batty.

I can admit now that I did not put my best foot forward last night. Instead of sucking it up OR telling him that I was peeved, I just kind of got mean-spirited...said some offhanded things that were not necessary. See...I'm pretty sure (ASSumption?) that it wasn't "work" that kept him late...more likely some chitchat with a coworker or two. Again, I swear I'm not trying to say he can't ever do that...but some warning when I've got a screaming, exhausted, hungry kid and only two hands?

So, amd, you asked about my attitude adjustment....er, I don't know....maybe trying to be more upfront with h? Stopping the ASSUmptions? Choosing what's important and what isn't?

Here's what I would tell h if I felt like I could...

1. I honestly am ok with you going out, taking time for yourself...but I would like to know in advance.

2. I would like some time to myself...that I don't have to "pay" for later (for example, h "let" me go to the gym this AM but then sulked and did his "dead man talking" impersonation when telling me how she woke up 5 mins after I left)

3. I need help. Just roll up your GD sleeves and get in here. That's what I need.

I'm sorry. this isn't going well. I'm in stream of consciousness aggravated mode. Weird thing...I'm still so darned angry about "the bomb"...I feel like it comes up in my mind again and again, lately, a la "yah, this is the kind of thing that made you stray" before kind of mindset. Why am I still so pissed off????

I think I need a massage, a martini, and a good long nap.

Sigh.

Sage

[kml]

Sage -
One question - if he's late because he got caught up in chatting with coworkers at the end of the day, how CAN he call to let you know in advance? What's he supposed to do - call and say "gee, I'm leaving now, but I see Charlie and Johnny by the water cooler, so I'm just warning you that they might ask me about the football game last weekend and I might be late?" Seems to me, the only thing he CAN do is what he did - call you once he realizes he's made himself late.

I know how frustrating it can be on your end. My h used to call and tell me "I'm leaving the office now". I'd start dinner, anticipating he'd be home in half an hour - then he'd call me forty-five minutes later, to tell me he ran into so-and-so on the way out and got to talking about such-and-such, but he's getting in the car now. But you know, that's just his nature, he's a social guy.

Can you figure out just WHY it bothered you so much? Is it just because you don't like change? (How's that rut, anyway, girl? ). Is it because it strikes fear into your heart that he's cheating again? Or is it just because you're so exhausted and stretched so thin that you NEEDED him to be home the second you got there?

Ellie

[sage]

Sage -
One question - if he's late because he got caught up in chatting with coworkers at the end of the day, how CAN he call to let you know in advance? What's he supposed to do - call and say "gee, I'm leaving now, but I see Charlie and Johnny by the water cooler, so I'm just warning you that they might ask me about the football game last weekend and I might be late?" Seems to me, the only thing he CAN do is what he did - call you once he realizes he's made himself late.

Ellie, I guess I'm just hyper-aware of time at all times. So...if I know it's 10 minutes before I'm supposed to leave and someone engages me in a conversation, I'm conscious the whole time of "X minutes have passed so I'd better get ready to draw this to a close". Now, I'm the one who has the "hard deadline" of picking Charly up at daycare but I've been considering h's arrival home as a "hard deadline" as well.

I know how frustrating it can be on your end. My h used to call and tell me "I'm leaving the office now". I'd start dinner, anticipating he'd be home in half an hour - then he'd call me forty-five minutes later, to tell me he ran into so-and-so on the way out and got to talking about such-and-such, but he's getting in the car now. But you know, that's just his nature, he's a social guy.

OK...you've made me feel better because that would drive me absolute batty. At least h doesn't do that!

Can you figure out just WHY it bothered you so much? Is it just because you don't like change? (How's that rut, anyway, girl? ). Is it because it strikes fear into your heart that he's cheating again? Or is it just because you're so exhausted and stretched so thin that you NEEDED him to be home the second you got there?

It's all three and more, probably. Yes, I don't like change or, in this particular case, it's about expectation...I expect him to be home and when he isn't (and it's not some unnatural occurence that has kept him away), it unnerves me. He went out last night and was all apologetic about it but I told him that the planned outings don't bother me because I can prepare in advance...because I knew he wasn't going to be home last night I spent time the night before making sure I had Charlotte's Thursday night dinner ready to go already in the fridge so I'm not trying to calm her and make her dinner at the same time.

So, to address the third issue...yes, I am stretched thin and exhausted. I'm working full time and am also responsible for pick up and drop off (my choice because I wanted her near my work). I'm also responsible for all overnight duty (because h quickly becomes an A$$ w/o sleep) so our agreement is that he is supposed to take care of all domestic stuff. NOT HAPPENING. So, by the time I get home after working all day, and driving home with a kid who has as likely as not screamed for the drive home, I just want someone there to hold her while I pull out dinner or feed her while I make her lunch for the next day or whatever. Trust me, I'm not running in the door and plopping down with a magazine. (ETA: I know you know this. I didn't mean to sound so glib. I'm trying to get him to see that if he prepped dinner before we got home life would be much easier.)

And as for the second issue...it's not that I think he's cheating again but it IS that late arrivals home were one of the signs when he was so the other night the whole time flashed through my head again...and TBH, it's been in the forefront of my mind a lot lately because I think "if he cheated before when things actually weren't THAT bad (IMHO), how can he be true when he's clearly stressed and our lives are in chaos?" plus I'm finding a lot of unresolved anger bubbling up here and there (I think it's that I feel angry anyway so why not get pissed at just about everything)...which brings me to my insight of this morning (darned insights!).

One of the things that h does that drives me nuts is apologize for little things all the time (still waiting for the apology for the big thing...hahahaha). It makes me feel like a shrew or his mother or something (I know, I'm sure this sounds like I've completely lost my mind). Well, this AM he apologized for not leaving me enough room for my car in front of the house (it snowed last night so I moved my car out front to make it easier to load the baby + carseat into the car). Well, that didn't bother me at all so I was thinking "why the heck is he apologizing for that??" when it hit me...h is apologizing for everything (well...) because lately he can't tell what's going to set me off...why? because I'm stuffing my anger about 1,000 different things, never telling him clearly what I need/want, and then randomly blowing up about silly little things. NICE, HUH???? What a bind to put him in!!! No wonder he's like a deer in headlights.

I need to:

1. Clearly tell him what I need. There ARE things that work me up and if I can get them out and we can agree on a compromise, then neither one of us won't be so blind sided.

2. RELAX. I'm back to thinking everything needs to be "just right, right now" I need to get out of that mindset.

3. Stop stuffing things and then blowing up (mind you, this is not overt as it use to be...now it's the PA mean-spirited blow up of the other day...even more insidious!)

4. Get some GD time for myself that I don't have to pay dearly for. I really need to talk to him about this. When he gives me "a break" he takes it out of my "account" so that I end up in the same hole as before. Either he needs to figure out how not to make me "pay" for my time alone or I need to use a babysitter.

I'm sure there's many more but I gotta get back to work.



Sage

[amd]

Wow. That's a lot of insight all right!

Martinis and massages are a great way to restore attiutde! I think your goals at the end of your post will be more effective for that in the long run, though. Sage, your goals helped me so much when I started this journey. I know that you can do this. Can you take just one of them today and write down what it will look like and what you'll do to get there? Even just a brainstorming list.

Be well. Be sane. Be you.

[Underdog]

Hi Sage!

It's been a long time... I popped in to post to H2H and meandered down to find your update. (((Sage))) It's hard having a baby, juggling a full time job and trying to maintain a marriage and still have time for yourself, isn't it? It didn't take me long to remember being in your shoes, and I remember how tough it was.

You seem to have figured most of this out and have an idea of your plan of attack. Kudos to your list... and I'm sure you have it broken out into tasks that are measurable and achievable.

Since I know you're the model here, I guess I want to go back to DB basics with you. You can stick your tongue out at me if you'd like!

First step is the resentment that is pouring from your post. You and your H seem hell bent on keeping score for that free time. PLEASE know this is not a judgment call, because Mr. W. and I got caught up in the same trap too. From where I sit, you are both crying out for "me" time, yet compiling a list of how much you do and how little the other does. Stop it!

Let me tell you a funny snippet--and it's only funny to me now. During one of my pleas for free time and bartering for it, Mr. W. told me, "I don't understand why you need more time away. You got enough ME time when you went to the grocery store earlier today." I thought he was kidding (he wasn't).

Right now, I think it would be a good idea to assume that he needs WOA and validation--even though you may not feel like he does much to contribute to the running of your household. It all goes back to a theory I know you know well and embrace: WHAT YOU FOCUS ON EXPANDS.

You're focusing on all the negative that he's bringing to your R right now, and he's all to happy to give you proof by wearing those expecatations out on your sleeve and projecting your resentment.

Don't get me wrong, Sage. I firmly believe in asking for what you want. But just make sure that the spirit of that conversation is all about love and not about forcing him to give you something he might not want to give you.

That being said... you remember what resentment is all about, right? Resentment occurs when you expect someone else to fill needs that are yours to meet. Cheryl Richardson (whom I have come to really love) makes a point of telling us to step up the self care when we're in this trap. The important thing is for you not to wait for him to offer to watch Charlotte... or to find you a sitter... or to schedule your self care. You take the bull by the horns and start meeting your needs. Once he sees you prioritizing yourself, he'll undoubtedly follow suit.

Now, I have to admit that I'm with Ellie in the late camp. Sage, they don't mean to be inconsiderate. Mr. W. still tells me when he's late, "What did you expect me to do? Be rude and tell my boss that I need to cut off the conversation to pick up the girls?" You, Ellie and the rest of the women here see this as obvious, but they don't. Expecting them to think outside that box is unrealistic. So, what can YOU do to change your outlook on this one?

I can tell you what helped me, and it might work for you. I send myself some friendly self chatter. I tell myself, "You know that he's not deliberately trying to pi$$ you off, right? And you love those girls enough to step up to the plate and be the mom on-duty, right? Well, then just get moving. You'll figure it out." I'm not discounting that he might be exhibiting some P/A behavior to "show you who's the boss of him". If there is any chance it is, the only way to get this to cease is to stop trying to control what you can't. I'm not saying you shouldn't expect courtesy, Sage. But you can't force someone to be courteous--the only thing you can do is point out to him after the fact, "H, I feel hurt and angry when you say you're going to be home at X and you're not only late, you don't let me know so I can change my plans."

This is enough to start on--so tell me what he IS doing right? And what are YOU doing right?

Sage, raising small children is HARD work. You couldn't pay me enough money to have toddlers again! What are the expecations and routines that are not serving your family best? Can you change how you view certain activities to accommodate the specialness of your own family? For example, I used to try my darndest to get my kids to bed by a specific time... so much so that our routine held us hostage to meet this self imposed bedtime hour. I realized at some point that getting them to bed by XXX was a nice guideline for people who didn't have my grueling schedule. Once I let go of trying to control that outcome, our routine settled in more comfortably and I became a little nicer person to be around. Wish I had known about this BB back then...

Take care and try not to be so hard on yourself. There aren't any manuals to help, and the only thing you can do is tell yourself that change is on the way. THAT is a given!

Okay, time to give you back the floor.

Betsey

[oldtimer]

Sage,

Maybe it would help to try to look at ways to lessen the stress around homecoming every night with the baby?

Perhaps it is baby or age sensitive, but we have a much more smoother evening transition with our 7-month old baby girl. One reason is that she isn't hungry when we pick her up. She usually eats about an hour before we get her. Will your childcare person give her a snack before you pick her up? I'm guessing Charlotte can do finger food of some sort, so this shouldn't be too much of a chore.

This might mean delaying dinner a bit when you get home, but if everyone is happy, you'll have a chance for quality time instead of nightmare hour...

Also, can you simplify dinner somehow? If you are actually cooking the meals for Charlotte, could you consider some of the organic baby foods on the market? Earth's Best is pretty healthy and pretty tasty.

Anyway, just a couple of ideas to try to get to the source of some of the stress to eliminate it if possible. Trying to manage is harder than getting rid of it to begin with :-)

Great ideas about increasing your directness. There is nothing more helpful or attractive than that!